Forward
by littleoblivion
Summary: AU. Jennifer Jareau is a Junior in high school. More than anything she just wants to fast forward through the next two years, but what happens when secrets she thought she could keep come bubbling to the surface?
1. Chapter 1

**(Hey everyone! This is a new story that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. It's going to be different from the other works I've done. It's an AU, set with JJ as a Junior in High School. Most of the team will be making appearances, just not as their wonderful FBI selves. There will be some triggers later on in the piece, I will change the rating and trigger warning as necessary. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this weird new venture I'm making, please leave a comment and tell me what you think.)**

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." Robert Frost

 **Forward** (association football/soccer): 'Forwards are the players on an association football team who play nearest to the opposing team's goal, and are therefore most responsible for scoring goals.

Their advanced position and limited defensive responsibilities mean forwards normally score more goals on behalf of their team than other players.'

* * *

It was surely impossible that it was already time for school to start. It seemed like just yesterday that I had been hugging my best friend Kate goodbye on the steps of the school. Everyone was rejoicing that summer had officially begun, but to me it meant the end of the world as I knew it. Kate was my only close friend. Sure, there were a few people I chatted with during class and a couple girls on the soccer team who would ask if I wanted to grab pizza after games. But I had known Kate since preschool. And now she was gone for good.

Kate's dad had gotten a new job in Sacramento, meaning they had packed the moving truck the last week of classes and left early the morning after school ended. Kate quickly settled into California and her text messages were soon full of details about hanging at the beach and meeting cute guys. I on the other hand had shuttled back and forth between local tournaments and weeks away at all star camps, wishing I had something more exciting to reply with.

When Hell Week started on Monday, I had promised myself that I would be more outgoing. After all, I was going to be doing two-a-day soccer practices with these girls, surely one of them could help fill Kate's void. But I had been so exhausted from the hours of running and drills that I had turned down the offers to hang out. Instead, I had dragged my tired body to the bus stop, staring out the window on the way to my mom's house.

It was my house too, of course, but it still didn't quit feel that way. The neighborhood was so clean, so quiet. It was nothing like the noisy block I had grown up on. The houses there were small and close together. I shared a bedroom with my older sister Rosalind, and we would stay up into the early hours of the night giggling. Kate lived across the alley, also in a house overrun with children. Afternoons were spent racing bikes up and down the street and the sticky, sweaty kids spraying each other with garden hoses to cool down. The gravel street is where I had first honed my soccer skills. On hot summer nights, all of the kids would divide up into teams; boys played with girls, and there were no age cutoffs. I was always on Ros's team and we would play until long after the streetlights had come on. I had countless skinned knees and elbows but the love for the sport had bloomed ferociously.

Then Ros died. And my parents split up. My dad moved into an apartment on the edge of town. My brother Travis graduated from high school and moved away for college. Then my mom met Mark, and before I could wrap my head around what was happening, I was wearing a purple bridesmaid's dress next to a girl who was supposedly my new sister, Lindsay ("Not that anyone could ever replace, Ros, honey.") and then I was living in a new house that didn't quite smell right, in a room that was too big and too white. When I told my mom as much, she had offered to repaint but that's not what I really meant and it didn't matter anyway.

My sister was gone, my house was gone, and now Kate was gone. I really didn't know how I was supposed to survive the next two years of high school. But ready or not, it was here. I rested my head on my hand, swirling my spoon through the milk in the bowl.

"JJ, honey, you're going to be late for your first day of Junior year! And please stop scuffing your shoes, you'll hurt the floors." I reluctantly brought the bowl over to the sink. Mom poured her coffee from her ceramic mug into a travel cup. "Did you grab your lunch check from the fridge?"

I nodded and held it up as proof. "Why don't you just pay it online? They have a portal set up."

She threw a hand vaguely towards the ceiling as she dug through her cavernous purse. "I don't know, I guess I like killing trees." She takes a drink from her cup then sees the time on the stainless steel stove. "Oh God! JJ You're going to make me late. Grab your stuff, I'm headed to the car."I retrieved my backpack and duffel bag from the bottom of the stairs and followed her out the door. Once she had the car backed out of the driveway, she began to go through her daily to-do list.

"... I have that meeting with the Anderson's at 2, and you have soccer practice after school, right? Until 5? I won't be home until probably 6, so when you get home from practice please take the meat out of the freezer and put it on the counter so it'll have time to defrost. Mark wants meatloaf for dinner, with mashed potatoes and green beans. Doesn't that sound good?"

"Mm hm." I mindlessly acquiesced, staring out the window.

"JJ… she sighed, "Jen you have to cheer up, honey. Now I know it has to feel weird having Kate gone, but look at it this way, now you can make new friends! It's a chance for you to try new things and discover yourself."

"You'd know all about that wouldn't you…" I mumbled.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her hands tighten on the steering wheel. "Jennifer we are not having that fight right now. I can't and won't. Now can you please lose the attitude?" She managed to keep her tone cool and measured but I knew she was upset. She pulled in front of the main entrance and I pushed open the door, shouldering my bags.

"JJ?"

I shifted my weight before meeting her eyes. "Yeah, Mom?"

"I… Try to have a good day, okay? I know it's hard, but please try. I love you."

Shame slinks it's way into my stomach for acting like such a brat. "I love you, too." Then I shut the door and she drove away. I turned to face the building. Creekside High, home of the Blue Jays. Ready or not, school was here again.


	2. Chapter 2

**(I got a lot of great responses from you guys! Here is the second chapter. We get introduced to a few of our BAU favorites. I hope you enjoy.)**

I walked into first period English and scanned the open desks. Even with mom's declarations that I was going to be late, I was one of the first students to arrive. My entire life I had been a second or third row kind of girl. Not at the back, slacking off and passing notes, but not the very front row where the teacher was able to see exactly how closely you were paying attention. I picked a seat against the wall, two desks back. I pulled out a notebook and a pen, and threw my backpack on the chair next to me out of habit.

While I waited for the rest of my classmates to arrive, I began to doodle on the first blank page. For the past two years I'd had Mr. Parham for English. While I was a more than decent student, he had proved to deathly boring. Who knew it was possible to make reading 1984 and Frankenstein feel like tearing your hair out at the roots? But for this year, I had Ms. Prentiss. She had a reputation for being pretty strict and a complete hard ass, but surely that would be better than a teacher who made great literature feel like a chore.

"Uhm… Is this chair taken? Like by a person?" I looked up from my doodled flower meadow to find a girl I had never seen before. She was wearing a purple and black plaid dress layered under a bright pink cardigan. She had black finger-less gloves and fishnet stockings, with purple velvet pumps. Her hair was dyed a shade of red that I was shocked she hadn't automatically been dress coded for. Her peculiar look was finished off with bright pink lipstick and cat-eye glasses. For a moment, I couldn't respond, only gawk at her. "Soo… Is that a no?"

I blinked myself into action. "Yeah, I mean, no it's not. It's free." I grabbed my back pack from the chair and dropped it beneath the table. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"No problem!" She plopped down her back pack and began pulling out sparkly notebooks and a bag full of feathery pens. She slung it on the back of the chair and slipped into her seat. "I'm Penelope, by the way," she said, daintily offering me her hand.

I shook it awkwardly. "I'm-"

"Oh I know, you're Jennifer Jareau. I saw your picture on the school website. I kinda already know a lot about you, like you finished last year with a 3.89 GPA, leaving you sitting at third in the class ranking." Seeing my shocked expression, she cocked an eyebrow. "What? I wasn't going to start at a new school without doing a little research."

"Yeah I don't think my GPA is available on the school homepage. Where did you find out all of that?"

She waved a hand nonchalantly. "It really doesn't matter. Now fill me in on what wasn't available on the big, bad web. Ms. Prentiss, what's her deal?"

"Well, she's kind of known for being a hard ass. Assigns a lot of essays, but is overall okay. She's good."

She gave me a decisive nod. "Good." She pulled out a sparkly green pen with a little alien head on top. "What about Coach Hotchner? I have him for Government and P.E."

I gave her a sheepish smile. "How do you feel about pull ups and Indian runs?" The look of horror on her face answered my question and I couldn't help but laugh. "He's great in class. You'll learn a lot. But he's a real slave driver on the field."

She groaned. "I still feel like required athletic classes are akin to torture. Why can't the administration realize that _this,"_ she gestured to herself, "is the body of a goddess, and the only marathon I will be participating in is on Netflix?"

I laughed again. This girl was like no one I had ever encountered before. "Where did you move from?"

"San Fran. I'm a California girl, tried and true."

"Oh my best friend just moved to Cali. She's really loving Sacramento."

She gave a sigh. "I miss it. But I'm sure living here will be… an experience." She said, looking around the room with a discontented expression.

"Yeah, it's something all right. Do you like sports?" She gave me a glance that more than answered my question. "Welcome to Pennsylvania, where football rules and nothing else matters."

Before she could respond, Ms. Prentiss comes into the room. "Alright, alright everyone take a seat. The bell has rung, it's time to get started. Now I recognize most of you from seeing you in the halls around school, but I do spy a few new faces, so we're going to go around and briefly introduce ourselves." There was a collective groan from the class. "I know, it sucks, deal with it. I want everyone to go around and say your name, some of the extra curricular activities you are involved in, how many siblings you have, and your favorite book. I'll go first, okay? I'm Ms. Prentiss, I teach junior and senior level English. I'm also the sponsor for the debate team and help edit the school newspaper. I don't have any siblings, and my favorite novel is Kilgore Trout by Kurt Vonnegut. See? Relatively painless. So let's start here. Take us away Ethan."

As he began to reluctantly introduce himself to us, most of whom he'd known since elementary school, I could feel my heart begin to pound and my stomach ache. No one liked the first day of school 'facts about me' routine, but there was very little I hated more than being asked to quantify how many siblings I had. It used to be so simple. _Two, a brother and a sister._ But now what was I supposed to say? Do I still get to count Ros? Do I just count Travis? What about Mark's kids, Lindsay and Isaac? Am I one of two, three, four, or five?

It came to Penelope. "Hi, I'm Penelope Garcia. I just moved here from San Fran so I'm not involved in anything yet, but I'm a shoo in for the AV club. I'm an only child and my favorite book is Pride and Prejudice." She finished with a thousand watt smile and then turned expectantly to me. I swallowed thickly.

"My name is Jennifer Jareau, but everyone calls me JJ. I play forward on the soccer team. I have, um," I took a moment to swallow again, "four siblings. My favorite book is Looking For Alaska." I finished an a rush. If anyone had noticed my inner turmoil, no one mentioned it. The girl behind me, Allison, took her turn.

When everyone was finished, Ms. Prentiss passed out a stack of papers. "This is your syllabus for the year. 80% of any questions you might have for me can be answered from here. When is a paper due? Check the due date section. What are we reading next? Check the assignments. I forgot my essay at home, can I turn it in tomorrow? Check the policies. The answer, by the way, is sure… As long as you don't mind me taking off fifteen points for every day it's late."

"We're going to be reading a lot of great literature this year. First up will be The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of October we're going to tackle The Crucible. You will come back from Christmas break having read To Kill A Mockingbird and at least three others from the list I've provided," she paused a moment, waiting for the groans to diminish, "and your final essay and project will be based off of one of the novels from the list. We'll finish off the year by reading some great poetry, both classics like Shakespeare and modern works from writers like Maya Angelou, and then you'll take a crack at writing your own."

She went on to explain her class policies and what to expect from her. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and my hands found their way to the horseshoe charm I wore on a chain around my neck. This class was going to be a lot of work. Add that on top of my other classes and soccer, and it felt like it was going to be a very long year.

The bell rang and we all stood up to trudge to the next class. "Where are you headed?" I asked Penelope.

"American History. You?"

"Chemistry."

"Ah. Gross. Well I'll see you around, okay? Bye JJ!" She slid her backpack on and bounded off. I laughed and made to follow her, but was stopped by Ms. Prentiss as I neared the door.

"JJ! Hey can I speak to you for a second?" I nodded and followed her to her desk.

"I just wanted to apologize for the beginning of class. I knew that I would have you in class this year, I should have recognized you, but I didn't make the connection until the last minute." At my confused look she elaborated. "The sibling question. I had Rosalind in class."

And just like that, the stomach ache was back. "Oh… It's fine. Don't worry about it."

She gave a small nod and smiled as she leaned against the edge of her desk. "I really liked Ros. She was wonderful to have in class, so passionate." I stood there awkwardly. I didn't need this woman to tell me how great my own sister had been. "Anyway, I just wanted to grab you and say I'm sorry. And I'm glad to have you in class, I think it's going to be a big year. Junior year always is."

"That's what they say." The next class began to filter in and she gave me another small smile and patted my shoulder, letting me know I was free to go. I hurried out the door and anxiously made my way to the science hallway, trying desperately to quiet the onslaught of emotions that were fighting their way to the surface.


	3. Chapter 3

**(Alright here's chapter three! I would really love some feedback on what you think so far. Also, it has become painfully apparent to me that I know absolute shit about soccer. I'm from rural Texas where we pretty much only play football and basketball, and have been to one soccer game in my whole life. So if the soccer talk makes no sense, I apologize haha.)**

We had been practicing for over an hour and a half. The hot Pennsylvania sun had been brutally beating down, making us sweat even more than normal. My muscles were already aching.

"C'mon girls! Push!" Coach Hotchner yelled to us from the sidelines. I tightened my ponytail and wiped the sweat from dripping in my eyes, as I came back to the front of the line. We were attempting to run a complicated six position, two ball passing drill called Firework, and from the moment Coach had introduced it earlier in the week, it had become the bane of our existences. It required quick feet, clean passes, and absolute concentration, something we didn't have a lot of during a Friday afternoon practice. The girl in front of me took off from our starting position on the goaline and I got into stance, feet wide, legs bent. I took a deep breath and then snapped into action. I ran forward and caught a pass at the penalty kick mark. I quickly dribbled toward center and then passed it to the girl waiting on the halfway line. I then looped behind her and took her spot. Moments later, I repeated the same, catch-dribble-pass. Done quickly and efficiently, we were supposed to resemble the sparks of a firework erupting in the night sky. So far, we hadn't managed to pull it off.

"No, Tiffany you have to-" Coach Hotchner let out an exasperated groan as the drill once again went awry and a ball went spinning off in the wrong direction. "Stop." We all came to a halt, trying desperately to catch our breath. "That's enough, that just… It'll do for now. Alright we're going to call it quits for the day. But as always, I will be here tomorrow, ten am sharp, if anyone would like to come out for extra conditioning or drills, it never hurts." He gave a nod back towards the school. "Have a good weekend girls."

I walked over to the bench and retrieved my water bottle. Right now it didn't have a name on it, just my number, 9 after Mia Hamm. I gratefully took a swig before lifting the bottom of my practice top to wipe my face then I began the trek to the locker rooms. By the time I got there, my teammates were already stripping out of their practice grays and discussing plans for the weekend.

"Yeah I heard that Asher Cranston is planning on having people over Saturday night. His parents are out of town and his brother bought him a huge ass keg. Are you going to go?" Chloe asked.

"Of course! My mom and dad just got back from their weird couples retreat and they're driving me up the wall. I _need_ this." Elle tugged her tank top over her head. She caught sight of me digging through my own locker. "What about you, Jareau? Will little Miss Goody Two Shoes be joining the party for once in her perfect life?" She cocked her head at me. Elle Greenaway and I had always had a strained relationship. We had played soccer against each other since we were young, always neck and neck, but it was the only thing we had in common. She was popular, a cheerleader with a boyfriend, I kept to myself. Each year, I overloaded my schedule with honors classes and AP credits, she texted her way through basic algebra. Not that Elle was dumb, she wasn't by any means. If anything she was whip smart, shrewd and calculating. She just had other priorities than her GPA.

"What's that?" I asked, stuffing my sweaty clothing into my duffel bag,

"Party. Out at Asher's house. This Saturday night. You in?" She jutted her chin at me ever so slightly.

"Yeah JJ, you should come! I feel like we never see you outside of school and practice." A senior, Peyton, called from further down.

I shut my locker and busied myself with my bags. "Maybe. I'll have to see. Just depends on how much homework I have."

Elle rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'll be sure to hold my breath."

I bit my tongue. I was too tired to attempt to go toe to toe with Elle. "See you later." I called over my shoulder as I pushed open the locker room door.

By the time I got home, I wanted nothing more than to eat everything in sight then collapse onto my bed and Face-time Kate. I dropped my bags at the foot of the stairs and went straight for the fridge. As I was bent over, searching for something to tide me over until dinner, Mark came into the kitchen.

"Oh hey, JJ," he said in surprise. "I thought you would be at Ron's by now."

"No, this isn't his weekend. I'm here."

"Are you sure? Because when I talked to your mom at lunch she seemed to think you wouldn't be here tonight."

I shut the fridge door and begin riffling through the pantry instead. "Yeah, I'm sure. I'm with dad every other weekend, just like it has been for the past four years. Sorry to ruin any romantic plans you might have had." Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I was being a brat again, but I didn't really care.

"No, I didn't mean it like that, of course we love having you here honey-"

"Don't call me honey."

"JJ please-" He's interrupted again by my mom coming through the front door.

"I'm home! Sweetheart what do you think of going out to that new Thai place for- JJ!" She stopped short as she looked up from her phone to see me standing against the counter peeling open a pudding cup. "Why aren't you at your dad's?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Am I the only one who's been paying attention to this whole custody arrangement? As I just got through reminding Mark, it's every other weekend. I was just there on Sunday."

"Yes but you're out of town at the Allegheny Tournament next weekend, so we had to switch it out so you're with Ron this week. I told you all of this on the way to school this morning!"

I had a vague memory of my mom talking to me in the car, but I had been texting Kate about the new sculpture class she'd signed up for, so I hadn't been paying attention. I dropped the empty pudding cup in the trash. "Why can't we switch it with the next weekend?"

"JJ please just go pack some clothes. Don't fight me on this."

I silenced a groan and walked towards the stairs. "If you hurry we can drop you by on our way to dinner." Mark called.

"Don't bother, I'll just take the bus." I ignored the protests of my sore muscles and took the stairs two at a time. My bag from Sunday was still laying next to the dresser from where I had dropped it. I pulled out the dirty clothes and replaced them with a handful of clean shorts and tank tops from my drawer. I wouldn't need my makeup, so I left it on my dresser. I threw in my computer and zipped it shut.

I came down the stairs slowly, sending Kate a text delaying our Face-time date till the next day. As I reached the landing, I could hear my mom and Mark talking quietly.

"...all teenagers go through this, Sandy. When Lindsey was in high school, our house felt like World War III. It's just a part of growing up, especially for girls."

Mom sighed. "I know that, but it just feels so awful. Travis was never this way, it feels like she's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong."

"You're not doing anything wrong. She just has a lot going on between school and soccer. And the stress of having you and Ron split up is something that's going to hang around for quite a while. Not to mention… This winter will be five years, right?"

My stomach seemed to tie in knots as she took a shaky breath. "Yeah. Ros will have been gone five years in January."

"That has to be hard. Especially since she's almost the same age."

"Oh my god Mark, you don't think that she… JJ wouldn't…" Her voice broke a bit. "I already lost my first baby and then having to go through the divorce… I don't know that I could handle anything else bad happening."

"No Sandy, of course not. That's not what I'm saying." His voice became quieter and I had to listen more closely. "I think JJ's fine. She's strong and stubborn and she's going to be okay. But if you're worried, we could always take her back to see Dr. Morris."

"I don't know, maybe. We'll have to see." I crept silently halfway back up the stairs so they couldn't know I had been listening. I came back down, making sure to make enough noise that they would hear.

"Alright I have my stuff." I dropped my overnight bag on top of my school bags.

"Why don't you put your duffel in the laundry room, I'll wash your grays so they're ready for Monday.

"It's okay. I can do them it Dad's it's no big deal."

"Are you sure you don't want a ride?" Mark asked. I could feel both of their eyes on me as I picked up all of my baggage. I forced a smile on to my face.

"I mean if you wouldn't mind, that'd be great." The look of pleasant surprise on both of their faces made me feel like an asshole.

"Absolutely!" Mark grabbed his keys and we headed out to his suburban. "Do you have a lot of homework?" he asked once we were on the road.

"Not too much. I need to read the first 100 pages of The Great Gatsby and I have a worksheet for Pre Cal. Oh and some stuff for Chemistry."

He laughed. "Yeah, not much at all. I honestly don't know how you manage to have time for it all JJ."

I didn't know how to respond. "It's okay." I finally responded lamely.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up in front of my dad's apartment complex. "Alright, here you go. Want any help with your bags?"

"No I've got it. Thanks for the ride. I'll see you Sunday."

"Bye sweetie, I love you." I wave to my mom as they pull away, then walk to my dads door. I let myself inside. From the darkened entryway, I could hear the TV playing loudly.

"Jen? Is that you?"

"Yeah, dad."

I shut the door and made my way into the living room. He was sitting on the couch, drinking a soda. He looked up as I came in. "I was expecting you a while ago. Something happen?"

I shook my head. "Practice ran late. Coach Hotchner gave us a new drill and we're really struggling with it, especially the JV."

He nodded. "Well not everyone takes to it quite as naturally as you." I gave him a weak smile. "Penn State's playing, it's still the first quarter. You wanna order pizza for dinner?"

"Sure. Let me just, um, throw my stuff in my room." I trudged past him and down the hall. His apartment had just two bedrooms, meaning there was just one room for Travis and I to share, with a full bed and a pull out trundle. Of course, since going to college, he rarely visited at the same time as me anymore. So now the room was mainly mine. But it still didn't really feel like my room, even less so than my room at Mom and Mark's. I dumped my bags in the corner and rejoined him in the living room.

Several hours later, once Penn State had soundly defeated the Buckeyes and we had finished off a pizza, I stood up and stretched.

"Already calling it a night? I thought we could watch a movie, we can order something if you like, what about the Jennifer Lawrence movie?"

"Maybe tomorrow. I'm really tired and I have practice in the morning."

"On a Saturday morning? I hope that Hotchner realizes what a great student athlete you are. You have more dedication than some pros!"

I shrugged. "I don't mind. Goodnight."

"Goodnight baby, I love you."

I washed my face and changed into PJs. After turning out the light and crawling under the covers, I grabbed my phone. I sat an alarm for the morning then flopped over onto my back. The room was dark, with curtains blocking out the outside world. The only light came from the red numbers on the bedside clock and the bluish light filtering under the door from where he was still watching TV. I could hear the sports commentators dissecting various moments from the football game. My body felt antsy, all at once both too heavy and too light. I shut my eyes and willed myself to go to sleep but I couldn't. I tried to quiet my mind, but it was set on listening intently on every sound and movement around me. I turned over and grabbed my phone. I scrolled through Facebook for a while, texted Kate. Then I flipped back over onto my back, stretching my arms up over my head.

I heard the TV click off and froze. I turned back over to face the clock and forced my breathing to slow down. I listened as he walked back and forth between the living room, the kitchen, his bedroom, and the bathroom. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried desperately to turn off and go to sleep. Instead, I laid awake, listening, worrying, and waiting.


	4. Chapter 4

**(Okay so this is actually only half of what I had planned for this chapter but if I hadn't broken off here the chapter would have been like 6 thousand words long. I really hope you enjoy it. Dark themes will arise in the next chapter. As always, reviews are love.)**

I was out of bed as soon as my phone alarm began to go off. I tugged a brush through my long hair before pulling it into a ponytail. I changed into the first clothes I found in my overnight bag and shoved my feet into my sneakers. Cracking open my door, I didn't find any signs of life in the apartment. I stopped only to fill my water bottle up at the kitchen sink and grab a protein bar from the cabinet before quietly letting myself out of the apartment.

Even at nine in the morning, the sun was already shining down fiercely. The first droplets of sweat began to form at my temples as I began the walk to the school. I could have taken the bus and gotten more sleep, but I didn't mind. It was only a little under two miles to the school and it helped get my body limbered up.

Thirty minutes later, I arrived to an empty soccer field. I dropped my phone and water bottle on the sideline and began to warm up. A short time later I heard a voice from behind me.

"Y'know one of these days I'm going to beat you here." I twisted my body to stretch over my other leg and gave Coach Hotchner a smile.

"Yeah, we'll see about that."

"But seriously, how long have you been here? Surely you have better things to do than make me feel late?"

"I mean yeah, but where's the fun in that?"

"Alright smart alec, you at least want to help me get the field ready?" I took his offered hand and let him pull me to my feet. We set up lines of cones for speed and agility drills. He checked his watch. "Well, looks like it's just you and me again this morning. Where do you wanna start?"

I shrugged "Anywhere is good."

"You already run this morning?" I shook my head. "Alright well let's get started with that. Say… a mile?"

I gave him another grin. "If that's the worst you've got." We took our place on the track and fell into an easy, loose jog. I had begun playing under Coach Hotchner in the seventh grade, and had always gotten along with him really well. He knew what he was doing and wasn't afraid to push us, but he wasn't the sort to yell without good reason. He always kept a cool, even head. The only time I had ever seen him really get mad is during a JV game my freshman year. We were playing away from home and facing a nasty rivalry. The opposing team were playing rough and dirty, but the home refs refused to call any misconduct against us. This eventually resulted in a member of the opposing team sliding directly into one of our girls, cleats first. Somehow the official had tried to say it was fair play and Coach Hotchner had lost it. After helping our injured girl off of the field he had gotten right in the man's face, demanding that he stop being such a coward and do his job. It had earned him a red card and the boys coach had to come step in for him, but it had instantly cemented our loyalty to him. It honestly felt like he had our backs.

It wasn't uncommon for me to be the only player to show up for Saturday morning practice. It wasn't mandatory and as he had pointed out, most girls had better things to do, but I really didn't mind. It got me out of the house and extra coaching, helping me be the best player I could.

We finished up the mile and then he had me start on dribbling exercises around the cones. One thing I really appreciated about Coach is that he didn't have the need to fill the hours with chit chat. I got to have enough awkward small talk with my parents. From cones, he let me grab some water before taking his place in the net. As a forward, my main job was to score goals, so it was super imperative that I be comfortable getting the ball in the net. I started with simple penalty kicks, then gradually began to move further out. We finished off with him throwing them from the net and me running over to intercept and return. Finally, he tucked the ball under his arm and wiped his forehead with his hand.

"Alright JJ, I think that's good for now."

I bent forward and rested my hands on my knees, catching my breath. "That all you got?"

He laughed and threw the ball back to me. "I just don't want you to get over tired. Your body needs rest, y'know." We walked back to the bench so I could get some water. "I'm serious. Your body isn't meant to go every single day. You need to take a day off every now and then, or else you'll put yourself at risk of injury." I shrugged, and he began putting the cones back in the bag. "Anyway, how did your first week go?"

"It was okay. I've got a lot of homework, but it's not so bad."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"English, Pre Cal, Chemistry…"

"Ouch. Well it sounds like you have a busy day ahead of you. You taking the bus home?"

"No, just walking."

"Would you like a ride so you don't have to be out in this heat?"

I shrugged again. "I'm fine. I really don't mind."

He held up his hands in defeat. "Alright, your call. Get home safe. But I'm serious, okay? Take the rest of today and tomorrow off. Let your body recuperate. Good work today." He clapped me on the shoulder and slung the bag of cones on his back before turning and heading for the parking lot. I gulped more water and began the walk back to my dad's.

It was almost noon before I got there. I found him sitting at the table, going over some bills. He peered at me over the tops of his reading glasses when I came in. "Hey champ! Didn't even hear you leave this morning."

"Yeah, well I woke up kind of late so I didn't have time to talk." I lied smoothly.

"You should have came and gotten me up, I could have driven you."

"It's okay, I got there fine." I walked to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I flipped on the water and peeled my sweaty clothes from my body. Stepping into the shower, I couldn't help but sigh as the cool water ran over my hot and tired body. I stood there motionless for who knows how long, turning the water colder and colder until I was shivering under an icy blast. Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore I flipped it back to lukewarm and began to shampoo my hair.

Back in my room I put on a tank top and denim shorts then tugged a brush through my hair again. I retrieved my duffel from where I had unceremoniously dumped it last night and added my clothes from yesterday and this morning before walking back out to the living room.

"Is the washer busy?"

My dad gestured vaguely towards the closet off the kitchen. "Have at it." I dumped all of my stuff in and set it to wash, then flopped down on the couch with my backpack. I twisted onto my stomach and pulled out my pre cal worksheet and stared at it with disinterest.

"What are you working on?" I couldn't help but jump; I hadn't realized he had come to stand behind me.

"Just… pre cal. It's mainly a review of last year, so it's like sine, cosine, tangent. Nothing remotely exciting."

"Is that all you have?"

"No. I have quite a bit. And I'm going to Face-Time Kate later."

"Oh… Alright. I'll leave you to it then."

The worksheet itself was easy enough, but I couldn't make myself focus. I just didn't care about inverse functions. I really couldn't foresee myself choosing a career where I would need trigonometry. Not that I could really picture myself doing any career at this point. It seemed like everyone around me knew what they wanted to do, but I still felt as if I was wandering aimlessly.

Finally I finished it and stuffed it back in my bag. I pulled out my phone to text Kate and ask if she was ready to talk, only to find that she had already messaged me, asking to reschedule due to a last minute date with a cute boy. I responded that it was fine and to have a great time, but inside I was disappointed. I knew it would be hard when she moved, but we had promised we would find the time to still talk and be best friends. It was proving much harder than I had anticipated.

I took out my Chemistry book but took one look at the different isotropes it wanted me to identify and put it back. Instead I went to the kitchen to look for something to eat. My dad had little to offer in the food department, so I grabbed a leftover slice of pizza and came back to the couch. Right as I had resigned myself to recommitting myself to my Chemistry, my phone began to ring. I eagerly grabbed it, hoping it was Kate and that the date had fallen through. Instead I was met with an unknown number. Frowning, I answered it anyway.

"Hello?"

"Hi, JJ?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh good! I got the right number! I wasn't really sure- this is Penelope by the way- I wasn't sure if it was the right number because it's not listed on like your Facebook or anything so I couldn't double check my sources."

I spluttered at her, "Your… what? What sources? What are you talking about?"

"Anywho, I'm calling to see if you want to come over for dinner. My parents are making enchiladas, and I literally could not care less about the triangle things we're learning in Pre cal and I need help. If I don't get at least a B in my core classes my parents are totally going to take my laptop, and I would actually cry JJ. So will you please come over?"

I couldn't help but laugh at her antics. "Uh sure. I'll just need to find my shoes and then walk to the bus. Where do you live?"

"Oh don't worry about it, I'll come pick you up. You're at your mom's, yeah?"

"No, my dad's… Wait but you don't have either of my addresses. Do you?"

She gave a short pause. "Well I'll be there in like ten. Be looking for me!"

She hung up and left me staring down at my phone in confusion. My dad walked in to the room. "Is everything alright, Jen?"

"I met someone new at school… and I think she might have stalked me a little bit." I looked up to find him peering back at me in concern. I shook myself out of my state of shock and reached for my shoes. "It's nothing. But she um, she asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and do homework." I began throwing all of my school stuff back in to my bag.

"Don't you think you ought to ask for permission first?" I slowed my movements before turning back to face him. He was standing with his arms crossed, looking down at me.

"Sorry. Pen just called and I… Can I go over to her house? She needs help with Pre cal."

He uncrossed his arm and instead rested his hands on his hips."Well I guess. Do you want a ride?"

"No, she's on her way already." I stood up and began walking towards the door.

"Don't be out to late. And be careful."

"Yeah of course." As I walked to the front of the complex, I realized that even with her proclamation to be on the lookout, I didn't actually know what to watch for. But only a few minutes later, a black Volkswagen Beetle with the fender half held on with swaths of Hello Kitty duct tape came speeding around the corner. It stopped promptly in front of me and the window rolled down to reveal Penelope. She waved excitedly at me then patted the passanger seat.

"Hop in!" The inside of the car was no different than the out, with a black feather boa taped to the dashboard and fuzzy pink dice hanging from the mirror. As soon as I had shut the door she gunned it, sending me back in my seat. "Oh yeah, you might want to put on a seat belt. Persephone can get a little crazy."

"Persephone?"

"Mmm hmm. Meet my baby." She fondly ran her hand over the dash. "She's a little banged up but she gets me where I need to go!" As she whizzed around the next corner she began to fiddle with the radio until rock came pouring out of the speakers. She rolled down the windows so that everyone else could partake in her choice in music. I couldn't stop the laugh that came bubbling up to the surface. This girl was seriously weird, but she felt like someone I could count as a friend.


	5. Chapter 5

**(Okay everybody, here is the next chapter. Please be advised, this chapter contains, mature, dark, potentially triggering content. Please proceed with caution.**

 **As always reviews are cherished)**

I'm not sure what I was expecting when I got to Penelope's house, but I was definitely surprised. She lived in a neighborhood near my mom, in a single level brick home. There were flower beds and a garden statue of an angel as Penelope pulled into the driveway. She threw it in park and jumped out, and I followed behind her. Once we were inside, I was once again struck by how normal it was. It looked like a pottery barn catalog had thrown up, complete with throw pillows and area rugs. The only thing slightly different from every other house I had been in was a Mexican flag hanging on one of the walls. Delicious smells were wafting in from the kitchen.

"Come on, my mom wants to meet you." She seized my hand and pulled me after her. There was a man standing at the stove, stirring, while over the breakfast bar I could see a woman typing on a laptop. "I'm back! This is JJ."

The man turned from the stove and gave me a wide smile. "Hey there, it's nice to meet you." He wiped his hand on a towel that was hanging from his pocket and shook my hand. Her mom came in from the dining room.

"Hi JJ! We've heard so much about you, we're excited to have you for dinner." She pulled me in for a hug and I could immediately see where Pen got her boundless excitement from.

"Thanks for having me, Mrs. Garcia. You have a lovely home." I smiled politely.

"Oh honey, don't call me Mrs. Garcia. Call me Michelle, and this is Antonio. Now it's going to be a while before dinner's ready, do you girls want a snack of some sort?"

"Oh no thanks, I'm good."

"Alright we're gonna go." Penelope was already dragging me out of the kitchen by my hand to her parents laughter. She tugged me across the living room and down a hallway. She threw open her door and I stepped into the most Penelope Garcia bedroom I could imagine. The walls were covered in movie and band pictures, and every surface was either covered in feathers or sparkles. She immediately say down at her computer and began typing on her laptop.

"Your parents are so nice," I remarked as I sat on her bed.

"Yeah they're the best."

"So the flag in the living room, are you Mexican?"

She spun around in her chair to face me. "Nope. Common mistake, believe me. So Antonio is actually my step dad, and his parents are from Sonora, Mexico. They moved to Nevada after they got married, had Antonio, he eventually moved to California for college and met my mom who already had me. When they got married he adopted me, so I have the last name but nothing else."

"Oh got it. Your parents are divorced then?"

"Nope. My dad died of liver disease when I was three."

I could feel my face begin to burn. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry."

She shrugged. "I mean it's fine you didn't know. And I was so young when it happened that I don't really remember him."

I sat there, uncomfortable for a few moments as she spun back around to her computer.

"So… do you speak Spanish?"

She snorted. "Don't I wish! See my mom doesn't speak it really, so there was no reason for Antonio to speak it at home and I never learned. And for some reason, in school I chose to take French instead, which is _très belle_ and everything but not super useful." She punctuated this with a final few clicks of the keyboard then came to join me on the bed. "Alright, so tell me everything there is to know about the tinge of triangles."

"It's tangent," I laughed, pulling my own homework out of my bag. "Did you pay attention at all in Mr. Cooper's class?"

She gave me a sheepish smile. "I may have gotten distracted."

Several hours later, and Pen was finally able to make some sense out of the trig equations. We were lying on her bed, talking about how the first week had gone.

"...and I know you warned me that Coach Hotchner was going to be a total drill sergeant in P.E, but what you failed to mention is that he's totally dreamy. Like, Coach Hotchner, emphasis on the hot," she giggled.

"Gross! I don't know he's been my coach for forever, I guess I've just never seen him that way."

"How is that even possible? He's all tall and rugged and not to mention, those work out pants do nothing but good for his ass."

I pulled one of her pillows over my face, feeling as if I might explode from second hand embarrassment as I died from laughter. "Penelope!"

"What! Is it my fault I have eyes?"

When I had regained my composure, she turned on her side and propped her head up on her hand. "But seriously, if you don't think Coach Hottie is cute, then who is?"

I raised my eyebrows. "On the teaching staff?"

"No weirdo, just at school."

I scrunched up my nose. "I don't know. I mean I've lived here all my life, so I got to see all of the guys go through their gross middle school phases, y'know?"

She cocked her head to the side. "I guess I could understand that."

There was a knock on the door. "Hey girls, we're ready to eat." We both hopped up to follow her mom back to the dining room. The table was laden with enchiladas, beans, and rice. Everything smelled sinful and I wasted no time filling a plate, suddenly ravenous. Dinner was nice with light talk about school and work. Michelle it turned out was a children's book author and Antonio worked as a biology professor at the nearby university. He was an avid soccer fan and promised to turn up at some of our games. It was a nice evening, I felt completely at home with the Garcias. After we finished eating, I helped Pen clear the table and load the dishwasher.

"It's only seven. Would you want to stay? We kind of have this Saturday night tradition where we play board games. I'm the reigning Monopoly champ, but we can play like Scrabble or Taboo or… well, anything really. We have a whole collection."

"Sure, that sounds like fun," I said.

The next three hours were spent around the living room coffee table, laughing with her and her family.

"No way Antonio, you know the rules! If I can't use coding terms you don't get to put FIFA," Penelope chastised.

"Excuse you, Missy, but FIFA is definitely a real word, back me up on this JJ."

"I mean, I say FIFA all the time," I said, earning a high five from across the board.

"Ugh I'm being outnumbered by sports nerds," Penelope groaned dramatically as she gave him the points.

My phone chimed again, the third time in ten minutes, and I glanced down at the screen. My dad had sent another text asking when I was going to go home. I gnawed on the inside of my lip and flipped it over.

"I didn't realize it was so late, it's past ten. JJ, do you need to get home?" Michelle asked.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and smiled. "Yeah, I better head that way. But I can take the bus, you don't have to stop your game."

"Oh don't even think of it, of course Penelope will drive you home." Pen nodded and hopped up to grab her shoes, and I sent my dad a text saying I was headed that way.

"Okay. Well… Thank you for dinner. And for the games too, I had a lot of fun."

"Oh of course! Come over anytime!" Michelle pulled me in for a hug.

Antonio patted my shoulder. "And tell Penelope when the next home game is, I'd love to come!"

"Alright, let's head that way." I waved to the Garcias and followed Pen to her car. Once we were in the car, she cast a glance in my direction. "Sorry if my parents came on too strong. Back in Cali I had kind of fallen into a group of coders, well more accurately there was this guy- my ex boyfriend, I don't even want to talk about it- but anywho, they weren't the greatest. They were brilliant, some of the best computer nerds I've ever met, but complete assholes unfortunately. And I got dragged down into it. That's why we moved, for a fresh start away from all of that. And so to say that they are super pumped that I made a friend, and it's a friend who isn't on a CIA watch list, well it's an understatement. So that's why they're looking at you like you're the best thing since sliced bread."

I let my hand dangle out the open window. "It's alright. I mean, I didn't mind." She pulled to a stop in the complex parking lot. "I actually had a lot of fun tonight, so… Thanks. For dinner and scrabble."

"Of course! And thank you for helping me with Pre cal. Like seriously."

"No prob." I got out of the car. "See you Monday?"

"Sure thing, chicken wing! Ciao!" With another wave, Penelope and Persephone sped off, jumping a curb in the process. I tugged my backpack higher on my shoulder and made my way inside. Just like the night before, the lights were off but the TV was on.

"Jenny?" His voice was quiet.

"It's me." I stepped gently into the light of the television set. He was sitting on the couch, eyes trained on the Sports Center highlights, bottle of beer clutched in his hand. I swallowed, a lump suddenly appearing in my throat.

"You were out late."

"Yeah… The homework took longer than expected."

He nodded then slowly swung his eyes to me. They were large and bloodshot and they seemed to have a hard time focusing on me. "Okay."

I turned slowly away and walked to my room. I hurriedly changed into my pajamas. I shut off the light and slid under the covers. My heart pounded in my chest, just a little too fast. My breathing was shallow. I kept trying to shut my eyes but instead found myself staring at the red numbers on the alarm clock, watching the minutes tick forward. _10:32. 10:38. 10:45._

In the living room, the sportscaster droned on and on barely inaudible. Outside my window, someone locked their car, the honk echoing across the parking lot.I pulled the blanket tighter. _10:56._

The TV shut off. I could hear footsteps, from the living room to the kitchen, the kitchen to his bedroom, his bedroom back to the living room. He started retracing this path, pacing back and forth, past my door. The footsteps stopped. Even with my back to the door, I could hear the door handle turn and my door slowly push open. I shut my eyes, clenching my entire face. The bed dipped as he sat on the edge. My breath became more and more shallow. His hand began softly rubbing my leg.

He let out a long sigh and I could hear that he was crying. "Oh baby. Baby everything is wrong. Everything has gone so wrong." His body seemed to shake with the force of his tears. He scooted forward and moved until he was laying behind me. His hand moved so that it was stroking my arm. His breath made my hair flutter against my face. His hand clumsily smoothed my hair back and trembling lips pressed against my neck. My eyes shot open and latched on to the alarm clock. _11:02._

The blankets were tugged from my grip and pushed down. I kept my hands curled against my chest. Steady pressure on my shoulder made me lay on my back. I kept my head turned. His lips traveled down my throat. He slid a hand between my cheek and the pillow and turned my head. He rested his forehead against mine. I could feel the tears on his cheeks. "Oh baby. You're so beautiful. Just like your mom. Just like Ros." I began crying then, keeping my mouth shut to try to muffle my sobs. "I just miss you all so much. When Ros died I thought I was going to fall apart. And then your mom… Your mom left and she took you and Travis. Now you're all the way across town, I only get you every other weekend. It's not enough… It's not enough." His hand grabbed the waistband of my shorts and began tugging them down my legs. I twisted my head back to the side. _11:11._

The irony of the time was not lost on me. I could almost hear Ros's voice in my head, echoing as if coming from the bedroom we had shared once upon a time. _"It's 11:11, make a wish!"_ I didn't even know what to wish for. His hands smoothed my hair again as settled on top of me.

"I love you Jenny. I love you so much." Suddenly it was happening, the pain seeming to radiate through my body just like many times before. My tears redoubled. One of his hands covered my mouth, the other locked onto my wrists to still my hands from pressing against his chest.

 _11:14_

"I love you, baby."

 _11:18._

"I love you."


	6. Chapter 6

**(Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay! I've been working like crazy and then I went home to Texas for a visit before the semester begins. Anyway, thank you to everyone you reviewed after the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy Chapter six!**

 **Also, to anyone who also follows my story The Pact, it is not abandoned. I'm just super blocked. Fluff pieces are not my strong point, [which you can obviously see if your reading this fic or read my pieces like Nothing Left or Monster]. I'm hoping to pick it back up, I'm just searching for some inspiration. Thanks for your patience!)**

`When I awoke the next morning, my eyes burned from last night's tears. Sunlight poured through the window and the clock read 11:21. At first I didn't move from my tightly curled up position, instead keeping the blanket pulled close around me. I scrolled through my phone without actually taking in anything I was seeing. When I shifted slightly, I could feel the now all too familiar soreness between my legs. My cheeks heated as I suddenly became aware of the dirtiness that also resided there. I pushed the covers violently away and swung my legs to the floor. I grabbed my phone and clothes from my bag and crept to my door. Cracking it, I took a moment to listen. There was only silence. I darted across the hallway to the bathroom and locked it behind me. Peeling away my shorts, I eased into the shower and set the water as hot as I could bare.

Over thirty minutes later, I finally got back out. I didn't feel clean, but I knew that wasn't possible. I clothed myself in the sweatpants and loose tee shirt I had grabbed. When I opened the door to the hallway, I found him standing outside.

"Morning sweetie! Pancakes are almost ready." I crossed my arms and nodded tightly, following him into the dining room. I sat in a chair, knees pulled close to my chest and let my eyes rest on the TV while he busied himself at the stove. Sunday morning pancakes had been a long standing tradition in the Jareau household. It was the best part of the weekend, all of the family sitting around the table, laughing, talking about the week to come. Dad would take requests for any kind of pancake we could think up- blueberry, chocolate chip, funny face, heart-shaped, nothing was off limits. The Sunday after Ros died, we had all slowly found our way to the kitchen. No one was really talking yet. Then Mom began mixing batter, and some small whisper of normalcy seemed to fall back into place. After the divorce, Mom didn't want to make pancakes anymore. She insisted that she just wasn't as good of a cook as Dad, and had offered to take us out to IHop instead. But when Travis and I would visit his apartment every other weekend, we got to pretend for just a few hours that nothing had changed. For a brief moment in time, I could fantasize that Ros was in college, studying to be a doctor like she had always wanted. Mom was just away at a real estate conference. We were a happy family once more. But now everything was different. I gnawed on the torn skin surrounding my thumb nail.

"Here we are! Three chocolate pancakes with blueberries." He slid the plate in front of me. The berries were arranged in a face, the juice bleeding slightly into the brown. I looked up at him and he gave a grin while shrugging. "I know, I know, you're not a kid, you're too old for a smiley face pancake. What can I say, you'll always be my little nugget." He sat down and poured syrup on his own breakfast then handed me the bottle. My stomach refused to unclench, but I poured the sticky liquid over my breakfast anyway and began to eat.

"So we didn't really talk after you got home last night, how did the studying go? Does your friend understand the homework now?" His face was relaxed and smiling, revealing no hint of anything hidden. For a moment I can't say anything, amazed by his ability to act as if nothing had happened. As if I hadn't spent the night crying, traumatized at his hands.

"It… Fine. It was fine."

"Tell me more about your new friend. You said her name was…Paige?"

"Penelope."

"Right, Penelope. I've never heard you talk about her. Is she new to the school?"

I nodded, swirling a chunk of pancake through the puddle of syrup. "She moved from California. We have a few classes together."

He washed down a large bite with a drink of coffee. "Well that's good, Jen. I know it's been hard with Kate moving. I'm glad you're making friends."

"Yeah." We ate in silence for a bit, then my phone chimed. A text from Kate popped up, asking if I could Face time. I jumped up and took my plate to the kitchen, leaving it on the counter. "I'm going to call Kate!" I called over my shoulder as hurried to my room and shut the door, not waiting for a reply.

I grabbed my laptop and logged in. While I waited for it to load, I settled onto the floor cross legged and propped my computer on top of my gym bags. I drummed my fingers against the keyboard impatiently. Finally Face time pulled up and I clicked on Kate. A few moments later, my best friend's smiling face filled the screen.

"JJ!" she squealed. "Oh my God, I've missed you!"

"Well we would have talked yesterday if someone wasn't being chased by hot guys."

She laughed and teasingly flipped her short brown hair. "What can I say? I'm irresistible!"

I rolled my eyes but smiled. "Well? Don't keep me waiting! I want all the details!"

"Okay, so his name is Lucas. He's a senior, we 're in the same art class. He's got blond hair and brown eyes and is super tan from surfing, and is just all around gorgeous. Like, he could be an Aeropostale model, swear to God. I haven't seen him without a shirt on, obviously, but you can just tell by looking at him that he has abs to make Channing Tatum jealous."

"Ooh," I crooned at her with a grin. "Where did you guys go for your date?"

"Well I wanted to go to a movie but he got us tickets to this really cool concert, so we went there instead. And then we got tacos from a street vendor. Jayje, you have to come visit me, if only so you can try the food, it's to die for!"

"Hopefully I'll get to come during Christmas break. I've mentioned it a few times to my mom, just floating the idea, but nothing yet. So did you kiss him?" She smiled cheekily and shrugged. "I knew it! Was he a good kisser?"

"Hmm… Let's say a solid seven for effort and commitment, with a few points deducted for excessive slobber." We both dissolved into giggles. "What about you? What did you end up dong last night?"

I swallowed. "I went over to a friend's house, actually. We did homework and had dinner, then played board games with her parents."

She snorted. "How _Full House_ of you. Someone I know?"

I shook my head. "Nope. Her name's Penelope, she just moved. We have English together. She's… weird. I don't know, maybe that's not really the right word. She dresses kind of Gothic, but little kiddish at the same time? She's really into computers. But she's nice! And if you're going to be in California spending all of your time with cute surfer boys, then I better find someone to hang out with or I'll go crazy."

She laughed. "It's either that or hang out with Elle. Also, why are you sitting on the ground?"

"I'm at my dad's."

"Uh yeah, I know. Still doesn't answer my question."

I let my eyes raise above the screen and rest on the unmade, messy bed. I shrugged. "No reason. I just felt like sitting on the ground I guess. Did I tell you we're reading Great Gatsby in English?" I said, changing the subject.

"Really? Oh my God, I loved that movie!" she squealed, taking the bait.

"I know, your mom took us to see it like four times." I teased.

"I think I want to have a Gatsby themed wedding."

"What no way, I would look awful in a flapper dress."

"Shut up, you'll look great in anything. And even if you didn't, you're my maid of honor, you have to wear whatever I tell you to wear."

I rolled my eyes, "Only because you're my best friend." The rest of the call was uneventful, spent examining the differences between her new school and Creekside. Finally at almost three I stretched my arms above my head.

"I better go. I need to pack all my stuff up and head back to my mom's."

"Okay! Well I miss you lots. I wish you were here."

"I wish you were here too. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Sure thing! Bye Jayje."

We disconnected and I stayed sitting, staring at my computer. I missed Kate more than I could say.

Which is why it was strange that I hadn't told her what was happening. There had been lots of opportunities over the past nine months, and several times, in the cover of darkness, shoulder to shoulder in her bed, it had been right at the tip of my tongue. My body would get antsy, my heart would race, my mind would scream for me to tell my secret. But something had always held me back. Perhaps it was because I didn't want her to know how messed up my life was. Not that Kate would have judged me; she had, after all, been right by my side through all of the other awful things in my life. No, a better explanation was that if I told her, if I told anyone, it would become all too real. As it stood, he did such a good job embracing the normalcy that sometimes it felt like some terrible nightmare my subconscious had cruelly thrust upon me. But then there were mornings like this one, when the pain and soreness meant I couldn't be imagining it.

So I hadn't told Kate. Now that she was across the country, I doubted I ever would. But what would she say if I did? She'd probably cry. Urge me to tell someone. Say that if I didn't she would. Which is another reason why I couldn't tell her.

I started throwing my stuff into my bags before realizing that I had never changed my laundry from the washer to the dryer. This meant that they were probably gross and smelly, and I would have to rewash them and dry them, and wouldn't be able to go home for a couple more hours. But when I went and looked in the washer, my clothes were gone.

"Lose something?" my dad asked from behind me.

"My clothes, I forgot to change them over yesterday. I'll have to rewash them."

"I ran them through the dryer. I even folded them for you, please, please, hold your applause." He did a few mock bows.

"Oh, thanks!" I said, surprised.

"Don't worry about it, Jen." He swatted me on the arm with the newspaper in his hand. "They're in a laundry basket in my room."

I retrieved my clothes and added them to my bags. I gathered them all and deposited them by the front door then went to where he was sitting in the living room, reading the sports.

"Looks like the Lady Huskies are going to have a good season. Have you read up on their new goalie?"

"No I haven't. I'll have to look her up when I get home."

He looked up. "Headed out so soon?"

I shrugged. "Yeah I have to get stuff ready for school tomorrow, so I figured I would back to Moms."

He nodded. "Alright. Give me a second and I'll slip on some shoes and drive you."

"No, it's fine. I'll just take the bus, I don't want to bother you."

"Don't be silly Jen, I can drive you." He grabbed his tennis shoes from under the coffee table and began to unlace them. "You know, you could always get your driver's license. Then you could drive yourself."

I gathered all my bags. "Yeah, I guess." The truck was quiet for the entire ride home. When he pulled in front of Mom's house, he put it in park and extended his arms. I leaned forward and gave him a brief hug, the fabric of his tee shirt pressing against my cheek and the smell of his cologne catching in my throat.

"Have a good week, alright baby? I love you." I gave him a week smile and got out of the truck, not turning as I walked quickly towards the front door.


	7. Chapter 7

**(Hello! I'm back! Sorry for the delay. I had a bit of writer's block and then I started back to school and life got crazy. But never fear, because last night, during my 4 hour Shakespeare class I plotted out this story all the way though Chapter 32! [Also right after I finished a boy broke his finger and ended up passing out. The ambulance had to come. Acting school is hardcore.]**

 **This is one of my shorter chapters, but there's a lot happening in the next chapter. I hope you enjoy, and please read and review!)**

 _A hand over my mouth… Pain… The feeling that I'm suffocating, everything pressing in, tighter and tighter…_ I sat up in bed, heart pounding. Sweat covered my body and I struggled to catch my breath.

 _It was just a dream._ I tried to reassure myself. I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes and willed myself to calm down, that everything was fine. It had been a while since I had experienced one of the nightmares. When it had first begun to happen, I had one almost every night, but as time went on the dreams had become less frequent.

Glancing over at my alarm clock, I realized that I had majorly overslept. Untangling myself from my blankets, I forced myself into action. I hurried down the hall to the bathroom before realizing there was no way I had time to shower if I was going to make it to first period. Instead, I roughly tugged my brush through my hair and piled it on top of my head in a messy bun. Looking more closely into the mirror, I saw the dark circles adorning each eye. I must have slept even worse than I thought. I grabbed my makeup from it's drawer and did my best to cover them up. I swiped on some mascara and took another look; Still pale and tired, but it would have to do.

Thankfully, I already had all of my stuff packed for school and soccer. I pulled on the first shirt I found and my favorite shorts from the top of my dirty clothes hamper. Sliding my feet into sneakers, I grabbed all of my stuff and thundered down the stairs. I dumped it all unceremoniously by the front door and continued through to the kitchen.

"Woah, someone's running a little late," Mark joked from where he and my mom sat at the table.

"Yeah, my alarm didn't go off. Why didn't you come and wake me up?" I shoot angrily at my mom.

She gives me a look over the top of her glasses. "Excuse me, but I believe it was you who decided that you were, 'More than old enough to take care of yourself,' and 'Not a baby that needs constant supervision.'"

"Part of growing up is having to be responsible for yourself, champ."

"Can everyone spare me the lecture, please? And don't call me champ." I shot at Mark.

"JJ…" Her voice was low, a warning.

"Well I'm just saying, I made a mistake, and I didn't get to shower so now I have to go to school feeling gross, and we're out of milk so I can't even have breakfast." I was standing in front of the fridge, fuming. Tears suddenly rushed to my eyes and threatened to choke me.

"Alright, calm down, everything's okay." My mom came to stand behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. "Yes, we're out of milk, I'll get more after work, but you can still have breakfast. We have oatmeal, or I can make you some eggs." She smoothed my hair away from my face and I jerked away from her. "I think there's some pop tarts in the pantry," she added in a small voice.

I didn't look at her, instead going to the pantry and looking inside. While scanning the shelves I took several deep breathes to try and pull myself together. I grabbed one of the pouches and ripped it open, taking a bite.

"'Gee mom, thanks for averting my minor life crisis!' 'Oh don't worry, anything my darling, sweet little girl!'" When I fail to take the bait and thank her or apologize, she let out an exasperated sigh. "What has gotten into you this morning?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired."

"You'd think you wouldn't be so tired since you slept half the morning away." I looked across the kitchen at Mark but didn't say anything. My mom let out another sigh.

"Alright well, I'm going to be leaving in about five minutes, will you be ready?"

I nodded, taking another bite of my sugary breakfast, and didn't say anything else.

Once we were in the car, my mom tentatively looked over at me. "It seems like you're always in a horrible mood when you come back from your dad's apartment. Do you not get enough sleep?"

 _Hands. Lips. The blankets being pushed down. The red numbers of the alarm clock counting down the time._ "Yeah." I mumbled.

"Yeah, you don't? Or yeah, you do?"

"I get enough sleep. I slept until like, 11:00 yesterday."

"Okay so do you not eat well? Do you eat a bunch of junk?"

I let out a heavy sigh. "I eat fine."

"Okay well then what's the deal? Why are you so upset?"

"I'm not upset!"

"JJ, you almost threw a temper tantrum over milk this morning, something's up." She paused for a moment, making a turn then coming to sit at a red light. "Is it because you really like it over there? And you don't want to come back?"

Her voice was small and soft and when I whipped my head to look at her, her face looked heartbroken. "If that's it Jayje, we can look at reworking the custody agreement. I want you with us, but more than anything I want you to be happy."

I was filled with horror, both at the emotions I had apparently brought up in my mom and the thought of living with my dad full time.

"No! No I want, it's not… I want to live with you and Mark."

I could see the relief on her face even though she tried to hide it. "Are you sure? It wouldn't hurt my feelings, we all just want to do what's best for you."

"No I, I want to stay living with you guys."

She nodded and let out a breath. "Okay. Well then what is it?"

I shrugged, desperately wishing she would just drop it already. "I had bad dreams last night." I finally offered.

"Oh honey. About Rosalind?" I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. "I'm sorry you're having bad dreams. Do… Do you think it would be helpful to go back and see Dr. Morris? I can look at scheduling you an appointment if you want, It might help."

I opened my eyes but kept them trained out my window. "No, I'm… I'm fine. I'm just tired and I have a lot going on with school and soccer and stuff."

"Okay… Well you can always talk to me. You know that, right?"

I nodded, thankful as she pulled to a stop in front of the school. "I know."

I had never been more grateful to slide into my seat in English. I pulled out my notebook and copy of _The Great Gatsby_ and stacked them both in front of me, before letting my head rest on top. My eyes fluttered closed and I focused on my breathing. It felt like one of those days where everything was on the verge of shattering apart into a million pieces.

"Good morning!" Penelope's loud and unexpected voice caused me to jump and she let out a giggle. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

I shook my head. "It's fine."

"Are you sure? You kind of look sick." She leaned in just a little bit. "Like, seriously." She tried to put a hand on my forehead but I evaded her touch.

"I'm fine, just tired."

"And grumpy. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed, jeez." She said with another laugh.

When I didn't reply, she looked at me a closer. "For real though, everything okay? You don't really seem tired, you seem down. Or sad."

I could feel tears rising to the surface again and I pushed them viciously down. "I'm fine!" I snap at her. "I woke up late, I didn't have time to shower, and then I got interrogated by my mom in the car on the way here. I'm not _sad,_ I'm just trying to get through this shitty morning. and the only way I can do that is if everyone just leaves me alone okay? And no offense, but you barely even know me, so stop trying to tell me what I am and what I'm not."

She sat there in shock, hurt clearly written on her face. "Well excuse me for trying to care." She finally sniffed.

Before I could bite back a reply, Ms. Prentiss came into the room.

"Alright everybody quiet down, it's time to start class. Now, over the weekend you were supposed to read the first 100 pages of _Gatsby._ Anyone care to start us off with what stood out to them?"

As she called on the first student, I could already feel the shame and guilt begin to churn in my stomach. I hadn't meant to snap at her. I jut felt so out of control, and every time someone asked me if I was okay, I was brought that much closer to falling apart. I wished I could take back what I said, but the damage was done. As Ms. Prentiss began a discussion about Nick's father's advice about advantages, I tried to catch Penelope's eye but she refused to look at me. I knew I needed to make this right, she was the closest thing I had to a friend right now.

The bell rang and we were assigned a one page narrative about our own advantages and how they compared to those of the characters in the book before being dismissed.

"Penelope-" I started, but she grabbed her things and flounced from the room without giving me a second glance, and I was left to gnaw on my lip and wonder what to do.


	8. Chapter 8

**(Hey everyone! I'm back with another chapter! It's my longest yet! An the funny thing is, it's only half of what I planned this chapter being! I hope you enjoy, this chapter isn't quite as angsty as the one previous.)**

Tuesday morning English was tense. Penelope and I made eye contact when I walked in, but she had chosen to sit across the room, near Ms. Prentiss. This left me to cross to our normal table. I grumpily decided that if that's the way she wanted to be, that was fine. I was perfectly fine alone. But during class I found myself wishing I had someone to talk to. That night, after finishing all of my homework, I texted Kate to see if she wanted to Facetime, but she had auditioned for her school's production of _South Pacific_ and wouldn't be out of rehearsal until it was almost one in the morning on the East coast, so instead I resigned myself to flopping on my bed and watching Netflix alone.

When Penelope walked into English Wednesday morning, I was ready. My stomach was tied up in nervous knots, but I needed to make this right. When she saw me at our shared table, she gave a sniff and turned as if to sit in a different chair only to find them all occupied. She reluctantly turned back and took her seat beside me. Her posture was too rigid, as if she was refusing to let herself relax just in case she slipped up and tried to talk to me.

"Penelope-" I started.

"Do you need something Jennifer?" She was staring at the whiteboard with impressive determination.

"I just… I wanted to say I'm sorry." She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye but didn't say anything. "I mean it, I am. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I mean," I sighed, "I was pretty much a huge bitch to you. And you were just trying to be a good friend. Something I could really use, right now." She gave me another, slightly longer glance, and I could see some of her resolve slipping. I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm really sorry."

She nodded very primly and let out a short exhale. "Well thank you for apologizing. But that was so not okay. I just spent a year being friends with people who were dick bags, and I'm not in the mood to do it again."

I nodded, unsure of what to say. She brushed her hand along the front of her dress as if to get rid of a nonexistent piece of lint. "What was wrong with you, anyway?"

"Nothing," I said, but it was a little too quick and insistent. She tilted her face towards me, clearly not impressed.

"I just… I had kind of gotten in a fight with my mom. And I hadn't slept well so I was grumpy, and…" I paused to take a swig out of my water bottle, searching my mind desperately for a reason to give her that wasn't the truth. "I had just started my period; my PMS had me all over the place. I was cramping so bad." I lied, making sure to look her evenly in the eyes.

Her eyes were instantly empathetic. "Ouch. I'm sorry, that really stinks."

I nodded. "Yeah, but I still shouldn't have acted like a bitch. I'm sorry."

She gave me a shrug and a smile. "I get it. We all have bad days." She stopped for a moment, her eyes seeming to search my face for my something while I sat uncomfortable under her scrutiny. "But you just tell me next time. Okay?" I nodded.

She gave me another smile as she relaxed into her seat and began to rummage through her Disney villain backpack. "So was it just me, or did you feel like a complete asshole after having to write this paper about privileges? Like, I automatically felt like I needed to tutor orphans or donate to homeless people."

I laughed. "Oh definitely. Like the most spoilt person on Earth."

"Hey. Quick question, can we have another trig session this weekend? It doesn't matter how much I try to pay attention, I'm absolutely useless. Please JJ?" She clasped her hands under chin and gave me pitiful puppy dog eyes.

"As much as I would love to, we have the Allegheny tournament this weekend. We leave Friday after last period and don't get back until Sunday. If you want, you could come over tonight instead? I mean, the food probably won't be near as good as what your parents made, but we have ice cream?"

"Oh, trig help and sugary goodness? I'm so in." She began flipping through her notebook to an empty page as the bell rang and Ms. Prentiss began calling for quiet. "At your mom's right?"

"Yeah… whose address you know how by the way?"

She gave me a look of pure innocence. "I have my ways. Text me when you get home from practice."

That Friday we arrived in Pittsburgh just before five. The bus had been loud and rowdy, with boys' and girls' teams travelling together on one bus. I had chosen a seat towards the front, just a few rows behind the coaches and immediately put in my headphones. Imagine Dragons' Believer began to play and I settled into my seat, a pillow propped between my head and the window. There was something so calming about travelling by bus. The warmth of the sun through the windows, the steady roar of the engine, then gentle rock back and forth as the outside world whipped by. It was one of my favorite things about travelling for soccer.

We went straight to the pizza place, and while we waited for our table we were given our room assignments by Coach Hotchner. I had hoped I would luck out and be put in a room with some of the seniors on the team, but I had no such luck. I would be sharing with a fellow junior named Olivia, a sophomore named Tori, and none other than Elle Greenaway. Each room had two full size beds that we were expected to share without complaint. On one hand, I had the urge to call sharing a bed with Liv, but I wasn't sure Elle was above kicking the younger girl to the ground and demanding their entire bed for herself. Instead I decided to stay quiet and see what happened.

The waitress led us to a room at the back with a long table and several nearby booths. The coaches immediately claimed the booth farthest from everyone else in hopes of maintaining a little peace and quiet. The boys on the other hand dominated the long table, laughing and yelling, already throwing things at each other. I slid into one of the booths, across from Peyton, our goalie, and the team manager, Baylee. The waitress came by and took our drink order.

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" Peyton asked, picking at the skin around her thumb.

I shrugged. "I guess. Who do we play first?"

"Prospect at 9 on Buffalo Field. Second round starts at 11, winner plays winner of Butler and Bethel Park," supplied Baylee.

"I think we'll beat Prospect. Their strongest player graduated last year."

"But her little sister is a sophomore this year, I bet she's just as good as Shelby," I reminded Peyton.

"Maybe. Either way, I don't think we have to worry about Foxburg. Apparently they have a new coach who can barely find his way to the field," Peyton said as the waitress dropped off our sodas.

I tore the paper off a straw and jammed it into my cup. "And hands down the toughest team to beat is going to be Seven Springs."

Peyton rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it. I mean, I'm a pretty good goalie, but I swear their striker is out of this world. She's insane."

"So assuming that Seven Springs beats Oak Hill, they'll play the winner of Foxburg and Blairsville. And if we beat Prospect first round, and win second round, we'll face off with Seven Springs in round three."

"But if the loser of round three wins the loser's bracket, there's a chance we could face off again in the finals, right?" I ask Baylee.

She nods before standing to get a plate of pizza. "And possibly a third time."

When we got back to the hotel, Elle dumped her duffle bag on the bed closest to the door. "I'm sharing with Liv," she declared. "I don't know Tori well enough and I'm pretty sure if I share a bed with Miss Goody Two Shoes, she'll probably burst into flames."

I couldn't stop from rolling my eyes. "You're so freaking dramatic," I mumbled as I placed my own stuff on the other bed.

"Ooh! What a biting retort! I'm reformed from my ways!"

"I don't know why you think I have a problem with you. If anything, you're the one with the problem."

"Are you guys going to go down and swim?" interrupted Liv from the other side of the room.

"Duh," called Elle as she pulled her bikini from her bag.

"I don't think so." I just wanted to stay up here in the room to make sure I was rested for what was sure to be a very long day tomorrow.

"Oh come on, Jayje. Come swim, it'll be fun." I opened my mouth to argue with Liv and she held up a hand. "And don't even start with the excuses, you need to relax, and by the pool is the perfect place to do so, even if you don't get in the water."

"I brought an extra book if you want to borrow it?" added Tori from where she sat on the bed.

"Well… I guess I'll go down for a little bit." I finally conceded, pulling out my own bathing suit.

My resolve to stay out of the water lasted all of fifteen minutes. I knew that as a student athlete who was serious about her sport, I should be careful not to tire myself out the night before, but then the halfback from the boys' team began loudly bragging that he could outswim any girl on our team. I was doing a good job of ignoring him and keeping my eyes on my book, until he challenged me directly.

"Come on, Princess. If you're so great let's see you in action" he said with a cocky smile.

"Get lost, Derek," I deadpanned.

"Ooh, sounds like somebody is scared."

Coach Hotchner spoke up from where he had been observing. "Are you really just going to take that, JJ?"

I gave him a look before setting my book aside. "Fine," I said to Derek, kicking off my sandals. "Let's do this." Our classmates began to cheer. I pulled my shirt over my head and shimmied out of my shorts, before coming to stand beside him. "What'll it be then?"

"From here to the edge of the deep end and back, first one to touch the wall wins," he crowed, pulling his own tee shirt over his head. He was objectively very attractive, tall and dark skinned with abs that I could only imagine would take most girls to their knees, but we had known each other since kindergarten. I had a very clear memory of him as a scrawny ten year old, coming out of a ride at Hershey Park and barfing all over my favorite shoes on a class trip. Needless to say, this had somewhat hampered his appeal.

I took my place at the edge of the pool and got ready. While I wasn't nearly as good of a swimmer as I was a soccer player, I knew what I was doing. "Give us our start," I called to Coach Hotchner.

"Alright. On your marks, get set… go!" I dove into the pool and began to swim furiously. My inner competitive drive had kicked in and I was now determined to beat Derek Morgan. Every time I lifted me head to take in a deep breath I could hear all of our teammates yelling. My fingertips grazed the wall and I quickly flipped in the water and pushed off against the wall as hard as I could, cutting through the water. Chancing a glance to the side I could see that Derek was just barely in front of me. I stroked through the water with all the strength I could manage until-

"JJ wins!" Agent Hotchner cried. I leaned against the side of the pool, trying to catch my breath, and grinned at Morgan.

"Aw come on now, best out of three. That was just a warm up, after all!" He said with a smile.

I splashed him with water. "Warm up, my ass!"

I stayed in the water for the rest of the evening, reasoning that I couldn't do anything more tiring than competing to outswim someone twice my size. Just as the sun was beginning to set, the guys started up a game of chicken. I was sitting on the steps into the pool, talking to a few of the seniors about how their college searches were going, when one of the boys approached us. I had seen him a few times since the beginning of the school year, but I didn't have him in any of my classes, so I didn't know anything about him. He had a long thin nose and high cheekbones, with dark hair that fell messily across his forehead.

"Hey Will, what's up?" asked Peyton.

"I need a partner for chicken, I was wonderin' if you maybe wanted to rub Derek's nose in his loss?" His voice had a soft, southern twang to it, and it took me a second before I realize his grin was aimed at me.

"Oh, um-" before I had the chance to respond, the boys' coach, Coach Cruz, came to the edge of the pool.

"Alright everybody, out of the pool." He was met with a chorus moans and complaints. "Yeah, yeah. You'll be thanking me in the morning. First game starts at nine, so the bus will be pulling out of the parking lot at 8 o'clock sharp so that you have time to get nice and warmed up. Breakfast starts at seven, and just as a reminder," he paused to throw a look at Derek and his fellow players, "lights out is in thirty minutes. That means everyone in their own hotel rooms, no exceptions. I'm serious, you guys, don't make me tape your doors." He gestured with his hand for all of us to head up stairs.

I went to pick up my things before realizing that I hadn't brought a towel down since I hadn't planned on getting in the water. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to find Will, who was holding out a towel. "Need one of these? We brought down extras."

"Thanks." I wrapped myself in it and slid my sandals on. We fell into step together as we walked towards the elevator that would take us up to our floors. "So… You're new right?"

"Yeah. I just moved here from New Orleans over the summer."

"Why Pennsylvania?"

He shrugged and grinned. "My mom's mom got sick, so we moved to be closer."

"Who's your grandma?"

"Norma Jackson?"

"No way? I took piano with Miss Norma when I was little."

"Really? And how did that work out for you?"

"Um… I was hopeless," I said with a chuckle. "I couldn't sit still for very long, I wouldn't concentrate, I was a mess."

"Well I mean you're a pretty good swimmer, and word on the street is that you're one of the best soccer players in the region, so I wouldn't be too concerned."

I could feel a faint heat in my cheeks. "Yeah? That's the word on the street?"

"Yeah," he replied simply.

I suddenly felt a little tongue tied so I lamely echoed back, "…yeah."

The elevator doors opened and I walked forward to get on. He started to follow, but was cut off by a few giggling sophomore girls who darted in front of him. He stopped short and smiled, before giving me a half wave that I awkwardly returned as the doors shut.

I felt weird as I returned to my room. Even after leaving the elevator, my stomach seemed to be having difficulties settling inside of me. I thought of Will smiling at me, and the feeling intensified as the cool air of the hotel hallway suddenly felt warm. But as I let myself back into the room and changed into pajamas, I attempted to shake myself from this odd alternative world it seemed I had stumbled into. Morning would dawn bright and early, and we had a tournament to win.


	9. Chapter 9

**(Chapter 9, woohoo!)**

When we returned to the hotel Saturday night, we were completely exhausted. Just as Baylee had predicted we had won our first two games against Prospect and Bethel Park and faced off against Seven Springs in the third round. They had proceeded to completely wipe the field with us, beating us six to zero. This had knocked us down to play the Bethel Park again in the loser's bracket. The game didn't start until 6 that evening and we were already tired as we took the field. This had led to both teams playing much sloppier than we had in round two, with several fouls on both sides. In the end we had pulled ahead by just one goal in the last few minutes of play.

This meant that Sunday morning we would be back on the field opposing Seven Springs. If they beat us, we would finish the tournament in second place. If we won, we would be forced to play a third time to determine the overall winner.

I came out of the bathroom in my pajamas to find my three roommates gathered on Tori and I's bed. My legs were sore and even though it was barely ten, I was so ready to go to sleep.

"JJ! Truth or dare?" Liv called.

"Are you serious? Aren't we a little old for slumber party games?"

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Tori unwrapped a Jolly Rancher and popped it in her mouth with a wide grin.

"No, I'm tired; I want to go to sleep." I shot a pleading glance at Liv, wanting her to back me up.

"If you'd rather, we could wait until you're asleep and draw on your face with sharpie?"

I rolled my eyes at Elle. "Fine. Um, dare I guess?"

Their eyes filled with glee and I instantly began to regret my decision.

"I dare you to…" Elle's eyes wandered around the hotel room for inspiration.

"Show us your best sexy dance!" All eyes snapped to Tori's face. "What?"

"You thought of that a little too quickly," quipped Liv.

"The sophomore has spoken," seconded Elle. "Alright Jareau, let's see it."

"I don't- No way! I wouldn't even know where to start. I can't."

"Well you better figure it out because that's the dare. Get to it." Elle crossed her arms and looked at me expectantly. I stood up from where I had perched on the edge of the bed and awkwardly took a few steps back. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as I stood there, unsure of what to do.

"Here. I'll even give you some music!" Live fumbled with her phone for a moment and then a jazzy cover of I Put a Spell on You began to play.

"What the hell is this?"

"I don't know, I typed in strip tease on Spotify and picked the first playlist that it gave me. This is from the Fifty Shades movie, feel free to incorporate that into your dance." Liv replied.

I slowly began to sway my hips side to side, but really didn't know where to go from there. I brought my hands to the air above my head, because it seemed like something a girl in a music video would do.

"Oh come on, my grandma can dance sexier than that!"

"Bend your knees, relax a little bit!"

"I hate all of you." I deadpanned, looking at the wall above their heads.

"Alright, sit down before you pull something." I gratefully resumed my place on the bed, feeling like I would die of embarrassment. "You know for someone who's such a great athlete, you would think you would be more in tune with your body." This was the closest Elle had ever come to complimenting me.

"Who's next?" Now that my turn was over, I was more than ready to dish some comeuppance to my teammates.

"Olivia's next. Truth or dare?"

"Truth," she replied without pausing.

I thought back to the conversation Penelope and I had gotten into last weekend. "Do you have a crush on any teachers? Specifically on any of the coaches?"

She grinned and bit her lip. "Uhm… I guess so?"

We all looked at her expectantly. "Well? Which one?" asked Tori.

"Coach Cruz." We all broke into giggles. "He's just really cute, okay? And he's nice, and his eyes, and his butt-"

"You checked out Coach Cruz's ass?" Elle practically screamed.

"Can you find some chill, please? Someone might hear you!"

"Have you checked out Coach Hotchner?" I asked.

She paused for just a moment too long, and we all dissolved into laughter again.

We kept going back and forth with the game, laughing until our stomach's hurt. Around 11, it was Elle's turn.

"Dare," she said, chin jutting out as if to prove that she wasn't afraid.

The three of us quieted down as we stared at her, wondering what to give her. Then it came to me.

"I dare you to run down the hall, knock on the coaches'' door, and come back-" she began to scoff but then I added, "-wearing only your bra and underwear."

"What?" she spluttered, staring at me as if she couldn't believe I was serious.

"That is, unless you're too scared."

Liv and Tori both let out low "Oooh's" as she stood up defiantly.

"I'm not scared of anything," she retorted. She pulled her T shirt over her head and threw it at me. She pulled off her shorts and threw them at Liv who cackled mercilessly. She tossed her head back. "Let's do this." The three of us leapt from our positions on the bed and followed her to the door. I cracked it open and poked my head out, checking that coast was clear. Finding that the hallway was deserted, I opened the door wider and gestured for her to begin.

"Room 1208?"

"That's the one." I replied.

She took a deep breath and for a second I thought she would chicken out, but then she took a quick glimpse down the hall and took off at a sprint. Liv, Tori, and I darted into the doorway, hands slapped over our mouths to try to silence our now uncontrollable laughter. She slid to a stop in front of the correct door and quickly knocked before pivoting and running back towards us as fast as she could.

We jumped out of the way so that she could get back in and attempted to shut our door as quietly as possible. She stood in the middle of the room, panting, trying to catch her breath as the rest of us cried with laughter.

Suddenly, we heard a door open from down the hall and footsteps. "Shit!" I whispered and ran over and turned off the lights. All four of us dove into the beds and tried to be completely silent. The footsteps paused in the hallway and there were three raps on our door. We all looked at each other in a panic. Elle pointed at me and I frantically shook my head, pointing back. She lifted the covers to reveal that she was still only clad in her bra and underwear. Three more knocks sounded and I reluctantly got up and went to the door.

I arranged my face in what hopefully appeared to be a natural reaction to someone knocking on your door when you were trying to sleep and cracked open the door. Coach Hotchner stood in the hallway, hands on his hips.

"Yes?" I asked, unsure of what to say.

"Did you hear someone out in the hallway?"

I pinched my leg that was hidden by the door as hard as I could to try and keep a straight face. "Uh I heard someone come by just now. I thought it was one of guys or like, the cleaning crew. Why?"

He stared at me for just a moment. "Just wanting to make sure that everything's okay." He turned to go and then stopped. "You played well today, by the way."

I smiled, still pinching my leg. "Oh! Thank you, sir."

He nodded. "Well, get some rest. Big day tomorrow."

I nodded. "Yeah, of course. Goodnight." I shut the door and leaned against it, unable to believe I had just pulled that off.

I snuck back over to the beds to find my teammates practically in tears from trying to stay quiet.

"That was amazing. Honestly, that was spy level." Liv whispered from her bed.

"I can't believe I just lied to his face." I crawled into bed next to Tori.

"I can't believe he believed you," said Elle with a soft snort as she got up to put her pajamas back on.

We laid in the dark for a couple minutes before Elle continued. "Well, it's your turn. Truth or dare, JJ?"

"If you think I'm giving you an opportunity for revenge after that you're crazy," I replied. "Truth."

They all took a moment to think. "What's the farthest you've gone with a guy?" It felt like my blood froze as I heard Liv's question.

"Ooh yeah! I wanna know what Little Miss Perfect does when no one's watching," crowed Elle.

I swallowed hard. "Nothing." I mumbled.

"You've saying you've never been kissed?"

"Well no, I've kissed someone, but not… Nothing more." My voice in the darkness seemed to belong to someone else.

"I believe the game is called 'Truth or Dare' not 'Totally Fake Lie or Dare.'"

"I'm not lying," I shot back defensively, suddenly wishing I had never agreed to play this stupid game.

"So you managed to make it to your junior year of high school without some guy shoving his hand down your pants?" I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended like I couldn't hear her.

"I mean if she says…" Liv tried to come to my defense but Elle was having none of it.

"No, she has to play by the rules! If she didn't want to answer truthfully she should have picked dare!"

"I'm telling the truth!" I interjected.

"What so we're just supposed to believe that you're some perfect little virgin who's what, promised her daddy she wouldn't have sex before marriage? Are you one of those purity ring freaks?"

I felt like my blood was actually boiling beneath my skin. "Just because some of us aren't huge sluts who are willing to fuck half the senior class, doesn't mean I'm the freak."

"Well at least I'm not a frigid little bitch," she bit back. Any feeling of friendship we had cultivated during the night was no longer in sight. Instead, the darkness held nothing but iciness.

"We should probably get some sleep." Olivia said softly. I turned over to face the wall, not saying anything else.

Elle and I steadily ignored each other all of Sunday morning, not talking as we got ready and ate breakfast. When we were on the field for warm ups I found myself standing beside her on the line.

"Look I don't want this to affect today's game." I said.

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine. I'm not the one who thinks she's better than everyone else," she replied without looking at me before stepping into the drill. I sighed and followed suit.

It was a tough game, but somehow we managed to come out on top of Seven Springs. The boy's team, who had been taken out in Round 4, was seated on the bleachers and had proved to be a very enthusiastic, if somewhat loud and inappropriate fan base. Our win left us tied with Seven Springs for first place. The tie breaker game began at noon. Both teams were determined to win and we came into the last few quarter of the game tied at zero-zero. Finally, with just few minutes left on the clock, one of the midfielders, Annemarie, intercepted the ball, dribbled a couple feet and passed it off to Elle near the sideline. She faked out her girl and dribbled around before sending it my way with a hard pass. Everything seemed to slow down as I took in a deep breath. I spotted a hole and drew back my leg, kicking the ball as hard as I could and hoping it would hit its mark. I let out the breath as the ball soared through the air, and sank into the corner of the net. I couldn't help the wide grin that graced my face as the scoreboard changed to reflect my point.

We shifted into defense and held back against Seven Springs. Just as the clock ran out, their striker kicked hard into the net, but the ball was deflected by Peyton. The entire team ran into a group in the middle of the field. We had won! We had gone against what was arguable on of the best teams in the region not once but three times and had come out in first place. As we came back to our bench the boys team could be heard whooping loudly and even as Coach Hotchner waved at them to cut it out, he also was sporting a wide smile.

Directly afterward, we went into the award ceremony where we were given our first place medals. We all gathered around Coach Hotchner, sweaty and grinning as our picture was taken. Then we were loaded onto the bus. They stopped at a McDonald's and handed out money so that we could grab some lunch and then we began the trip home. I pulled out my copy of The Great Gatsby in an attempt to get some reading done while I ate my chicken nuggets, but was interrupted by someone tapping me on the shoulder.

Will was holding his own McDonald's bag and standing in the aisle of the bus. "This seat taken?" He asked.

I shook my head no and pulled out my headphones. "You played great today." He told me.

"Thanks! There for a second I thought we were going to have to call it a draw."

"Have you always played forward?"

I nodded. "Yeah, ever since I was a kid."

"That's awesome." We sat for a moment in silence. "I'm not that great of a soccer player if I'm being honest. I'm more into baseball, but soccer helps keep me in shape."

"I'm sure you're better than you think."

"Well I'm certainly not as good as you." He gestured to my book. "English with Ms. Prentiss?"

I nodded. "Yeah. What do you think of Gatsby?"

"I mean, I'd rather be reading John Green, but it's not too bad."

"I love John Green! What's your favorite book?"

"Paper Towns, you?"

"Looking for Alaska." We began talking animatedly about what we liked about his novels, and then our favorite music, and suddenly we had talked the entire trip home.

As we left the bus he asked where my car was.

"I don't have one. I don't really drive yet."

"Oh, do you want a ride? My truck's right there."

That weird weightless feeling was back. "Thanks but Peyton already offered to drive me home."

"Next time, then."

"Sure. Next time."


	10. Chapter 10

**(Here's Chapter 10! I hope everyone reading is having a great Monday, and is super psyched for Halloween! The spoopy time is almost here!**

 **Also, I had someone PM about social media, and I'm totally cool with people following me if so inclined! On tumblr I'm thetheatrelady, on instagram I'm jordonacker, and on twitter and snapchat I'm jordonshyanne. See you there! haha.)**

The school week had passed quickly. I went to class, went to practice, went home and did my homework, then went to sleep and started it all over again. If any part of me had thought Coach Hotchner would take it easy on us in the aftermath of winning the tournament, I was sorely mistaken. If anything, he had resolved to push us harder than ever before.

Friday practice had run later than expected. I had slowly changed out of my workout gear as my teammates talked and laughed around me. It was my dad's weekend. Something akin to shame and dread had been ruminating deep within my stomach all day, creating a dull ache. I had began trudging my way to the bus station when Peyton pulled up beside me.

"Get in! I'll give you a ride." Ordinarily I would have waved her on, prolonging my trek to my dad's as long as possible, but suddenly the ache in my stomach strengthened into a full on cramp. _Great. My period. Exactly what I want to mess with right now._ So I had grimaced through the pain and gotten in her car. I hadn't been expecting to start my period today so I didn't have any tampons on me, so I asked her to take me to my mom's house. When I let myself in the front door, I could hear my mom calling to Mark from the kitchen.

"JJ! Why aren't you at your dad's?" She asked as she came into the front hallway.

"I'm headed that way. I just realized I don't have any pads or anything and I think I'm about to start."

She nodded. "Probably. You are a little pale." I went upstairs and retrieved a box from underneath my bathroom counter. When I was almost to the bottom of the stairs the pain strengthened again, knocking the breath out of me. I grasped the railing and pressed a hand to my stomach until the pain lessened.

"Jayje? You okay?" Mark asked from behind me.

I nodded and tried to tell him that I was fine, but then the pain hit again.

"Sandy!"

"What, dear?"

"Can you come here for a second?"

"Mark we're already running behind schedule for meeting the McBride's for dinner and I'm not even packed yet. Can you handle whatever it is?"

"Sandy!"

My mom came out from the kitchen. Her face quickly changed from one of annoyance to concern when she saw me. "JJ? Jenny what's wrong?"

"I… I don't know." I finally got out. I descended the few remaining steps and she came closer. She instinctively put a hand to my forehead.

"JJ, you're burning up! Have you felt like this all day?"

I shook my head. "I mean my stomach hurt a little all day but I didn't really think anything about it."

The pain came back, somehow seeming even worse than before, to the point where I was almost doubled over.

"Do you think… Could it just be… You know… Her lady time?" Mark asked in an low, uncomfortable voice.

My mom through her hands in irritation. "Really, Mark? You've been married twice and you raised Lindsey from birth to graduation and you can't say the word 'period?' Pull yourself together."

"Well, do you think that's what it is?"

"If I thought it was just her period, do you think I would be as concerned as I'm being? Also, have you ever known this child to complain of pain, during the entire two years we've been married?"

"Well, no but-"

"Guys." I finally ground out, pulling them back from their argument.

"You said you didn't really feel bad at school?"

"Not really, I mean my stomach kind of hurt but I didn't-" Suddenly my mouth flooded with saliva and I dashed towards our guest bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before everything I had eaten that day making a reappearance. My mom stood behind me, holding back my hair and rubbing soothing circles on my back. I stayed there, retching, until I finally slumped back, wiping my mouth with a piece of toilet paper.

"Do you feel better now?"

I nodded and took the cup of water Mark brought me from the kitchen. I washed my mouth out then took a few sips.

"Maybe you just ate something bad. And now that it's out you'll be okay."

I nodded wearily but then pain burst through my entire abdomen again, this time seeming to wrap around into my lower back as well. I couldn't stifle my cry of anguish.

"Okay, that's it. You go ahead and meet the McBride's at the restaurant, I need to take her to the emergency room. This isn't normal."

"No Sandy, if she needs to go to the hospital, we can both take her, they'll understand."

The pain eased and I took several deep breaths as I wiped the sweat from my forehead. My mom helped me up from the bathroom floor and waved her hand at my step father. "No, no it's fine. You need to talk to Paul about the Houston deal, go meet them. Well actually, first help JJ to my car. I'm going to grab my purse and call Ron."

I opened my mouth to argue that I was fine, that I just needed rest, but my mom cut me off before I had a chance. "Don't even start. Something's wrong, we're getting you checked out by a doctor." She disappeared into the living room and Mark awkwardly extended a hand towards me.

"Alright, you heard the boss. Let's get you to the car."

We wait in the emergency room waiting room for over an hour before a room becomes available. Once inside, a no nonsense came in and began taking my temperature and blood pressure while firing off questions. When she finally left, I curled on my side on the hard examination table facing my mom.

"Do you have a lot of homework?" she asked after a moment.

I shrugged. "A worksheet for Chemistry. A paper for English."

"What's your paper on?"

"Gatsby. We have to analyze the party scene and tell whether we think it was successful or not." The pain came back and I squeezed my eyes shut. She leaned forward and ran her fingers through my hair. Even though I was in such awful pain, there was something so comforting about having this time with her. It reminded me of when I was younger, before all the shit hit the fan. Back when I was a normal girl with a brother and a sister and two normal parents.

The pain passed and I opened my eyes. She gave me a small smile and ran her thumb across my cheekbone. "Sweet girl." she murmured.

My eyes immediately began to tear up and all of a sudden I wanted to throw myself into her arms and tell her everything. Then the door opened behind me, and the doctor came in.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Carroway, I'll be taking care of you tonight. What seems to be the issue?"

I let my mom tell him what was happening. He had my turn onto my back and began to press down on my stomach as I hissed in pain.

"Is there any chance you could be pregnant, JJ?"

My eyes didn't move from where they were trained on the ceiling.

"No."

He nodded and turned to the cabinet along the wall. "I'm going to need to get a urine sample from you, the bathroom is just down the hall, I can have a nurse take you."

I shuffled off the table and took the small clear jar he offered me and did as instructed. The nurse brought me back to the room and I waited with my mom for the results.

After almost thirty minutes Dr. Carroway came back.

"Well I have some great news, you're not pregnant."

"I told you I wasn't." I snapped before I could help myself.

"JJ…" my mother admonished from her chair.

"We'll have to wait 24 hours for a complete confirmation of your urine culture, but it looks like you've contracted a urinary tract infection. I'm going to prescribe a round of antibiotics and you'll be feeling good as new by school on Monday."

"But… Aren't UTI's caused by sex?" my mother asked.

Dr. Carroway nodded. "A lot of the time, yes. It's surprisingly common in girls JJ's age. The female reproductive system is just naturally more susceptible to UTIs. In the future," he continued, turning towards me, "you can prevent UTIs by making sure you're drinking enough water, always wiping front to back after using the restroom, and making sure to always go to the bathroom after you have sex. It helps flush out the bacteria." I could feel my face burning as he kept talking with my mom about which pharmacy to send the prescription to.

He left and we gathered our things in silence. Once we were finally in the car and headed to CVS, she glanced over at me.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me."

"What are you talking about?"

"JJ I didn't even know you had a boyfriend!"

"I don't!"

"So you're just having sex with random boys at school?" Her voice was layered with disappointment and disgust.

"Mom! I'm not having sex. With anyone!"

"I don't care if you are, but you can't lie about it!" Her voice had taken on the shrill quality it always did when I had let her down. "I just hope you and this boy are being safe. What would you do if you got pregnant? You're not ready to be a mother. I hope to god you're being smart enough to use condoms."

I let my head fall against the car window and stared out at the street as it passed. How in the world could I possibly explain to her that she didn't need to worry about me getting pregnant? It wasn't possible; my father had gotten a vasectomy performed shortly she had gotten pregnant with me. Of all things gone wrong in my life, the worry of getting pregnant simply wasn't one of them.


	11. Chapter 11

**(Here's Chapter 11! I hope everyone's having a great Wednesday!)**

My mom's bad mood had not dissipated by the time we got home. I had been plopped on the couch with my antibiotics and the bag of McDonalds we had picked up on the way home without a word. Mark leaned against the doorframe and observed us with his arms crossed.

"So what'd the doc say?"

"She has a urinary tract infection," she huffed from the kitchen.

"What? Are they sure? But isn't that from…" He trailed off and neither one of us finished his sentence. "Oh." He paused for a moment. "But you're gonna be okay? They were able to prescribe you medicine?"

I picked up the white paper pharmacy bag so he could see it, not saying anything as I began flipping through the TV channels, eventually settling on a random horror film.

"Obviously this means that we will not be taking our trip to Niagara Falls," she told him as she came back in to the living room. "It's too late to send her over to Ron's, I already told him not to expect her because she didn't feel good."

I sighed. "Mom, I'm fine. Don't skip out on your anniversary trip just because my stomach hurts. I'm not a baby, I can handle being by myself, you don't have to stay."

"JJ, I'm not leaving a sixteen year old alone for a weekend with no adult supervision."

"If you stay here you're just going to be mad at me all weekend."

"Well that would be because I'm pretty damn upset with you right now!"

"Sandy, Sandy…" Mark began to rub her shoulders. "What if she just stays here tonight, and goes to Ron's in the morning?"

"No! I don't feel like I can trust her right now. And anyways, when I called Ron he said something about a golf trip he had been invited to, he might not even be there."

"I'll be fine." I said through clenched teeth.

"Like hell you will." She walked back into the kitchen, and Mark gave me a sympathetic smile before following her.

I could hear him speaking in a gentle, soothing voice. "Sandy, I know you're upset, but this is not the way to handle it. We went through this with Travis, remember?"

"But that was different! He was a senior, and he had a girlfriend, and it's different!"

"I still think you might be overreacting a bit-"

"Mark!"

"-just a little, yes. And I think you need a little bit of space in order to get some perspective and calm down. And you know where would be a great place to do that? Niagara falls, where we already have a nonrefundable suite for the weekend! Come on, if we leave now, we can be there in two hours… Order some room service… We've had this booked for months."

I heard her sigh deeply. "I know and I just… Well how would you feel if this were Lindsey?"

"Sandy, Shawna and I definitely had to go through this with Lindsey, and Isaac too. They're teenagers. It's natural. And I really think you're making a bigger deal out of this than you should." He dropped his voice again, and I lowered the volume on the television so I could try to catch the rest of the conversation. "And I think if you're really being honest with yourself, you're not mad she might be having sex. You're upset that she didn't tell you." The weight of the world seemed to settle behind my belly button, unaffected by the painkillers the doctor had given me before I was discharged. I turned the volume slowly back up, no longer wanting to listen in.

Mark came back in. "Hey kiddo. So I called Lindsey and she's going to come stay with you while we're away." I gave him a pointed look and he raised his hands in mock surrender. "I know, you're not a child, you don't need a babysitter, but you are feeling under the weather and I think this will make everyone a little more comfortable." I nodded and went back to the TV, not really taking in what was happening on the screen.

He came and sat beside me on the couch. "It's going to be okay, JJ. She's going to be okay, once she wraps her head around it."

"But I'm not even having sex!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Okay! Okay. And that's fine too. Either way, it's alright." We fell into silence as we watched the boy in the movie be murdered, blood spraying all over his room. "What is this shit?"

"Nightmare on Elm Street."

"Oh yeah. I haven't seen this in forever, I forgot how gory it is." He helped himself to a few of my fries. "You're a lot alike, y'know."

"Me and Freddy Krueger?"

"You and your mom."

"So, same thing."

He swatted my lightly on the knee with a grin. "I'm serious. You're both stubborn, passionate, with a deep need to protect those around you. It's probably why you bump heads most of the time."

We watched more of the movie in silence until my mom came back downstairs. "Alright, I'm ready. Lindsey's on her way?"

"Yeah. She just had to pack up her books and then she was going to head over. She should be here in a little under an hour." Lindsey was a second year law student in Cleveland. From what I could tell, she spent every spare moment locked away in her apartment, nose in her books.

"Alright. Well, JJ we're going to head out then. We left cash on the counter if you want to get a pizza but please eat something with some semblance of nutritional value while we're gone. Something other than Cheetos," my mom implored. Mark patted my leg and got up to load their bags in the car. She moved to stand behind the couch and smoothed my hair down, pressed a hard kiss on the top of my head. "I love you. You know that right? And we're going to have to have a talk when I get back, but I love you a lot." She straightened up and adjusted her purse on her shoulder.

"Car's ready."

"Alright. Be good, Jayje. Call if you need anything, and make sure you follow the instructions on your medicine. Bye!"

"Bye, JJ!"

"Bye, drive safe!" I responded as Mark corralled my mom out the door. I was left with an empty house, silent except for the over the top, agonized screaming coming from the movie.

Why did it bother me so much that my mom thought I was having sex? It's not as if we were particularly religious, I hadn't made any abstinence pledge. Travis had definitely had sex in high school. Ros… Well, I didn't know if Ros had. And I never would.

But practically everyone I went to school with was. Kate had lost her virginity at the end of our freshman year of high school, and we had both decided that it really wasn't a big deal. And maybe if I had a boyfriend, it would be different. Everything was just so mixed up. Because even though technically, no I wasn't a virgin, I didn't feel as if I had had sex. To me, it was something special. Maybe that was dumb and little girlish. But even if it was just some dumb jock at a house party, wasn't it at the very least an expression of desire, attraction, worthiness?

That didn't sound like my experience at all.

By the time Lindsey arrived, Nightmare on Elm Street had ended and I had settled into a Grey's Anatomy marathon.

"Hey JJ," she called as she dumped her backpack next to the stairs along with a duffle bag I assumed held clothes and a couple plastic bags. "How're you feeling?"

I shrugged. "They gave me a painkiller at the hospital so I'm feeling better. A little nauseous."

She gave me an empathetic grimace. "Yeah, UTIs are never fun. The good news is now you know what to watch for so you'll be able to catch it before it gets this bad next time." She grabbed her groceries and took them into the kitchen.

"Do you get them a lot?"

She came back into the living room, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Yeah, my freshman year of college especially; it seemed like I got one once a month."

I cocked an eyebrow at her. "Sounds like you must have been having all kinds of sex."

She laughed as she joined me on the couch. "Yeah, not so much. Sorry about your mom, Dad filled me in a bit. There are lots of different causes for UTIs, but there's still this old school idea that it's one step below Chlamydia. Honestly, you're probably just dehydrated."

"I'll be sure to pass that along."

"Wait, did the doctor give you that medicine that makes your pee turn blue?"

"Yeah, isn't that so weird?"

"Just wait, you'll be prepared the first time but in a few days you'll wake up and completely forget. You'll go to pee first thing and it'll scare the crap out of you."

"Well at least I have that to look forward to." She went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of dark red liquid. "What's that?"

"Your new best friend. Cranberry juice. One of the best home remedies to get rid of UTIs without having to go to the doctor and pay for the blue-pee medicine. When you feel one coming on just drink a bottle and it should go away on its own. Be sure to buy cranberry juice though, and not cocktail."

"Thanks." I took a drink of the tart juice.

"Wait a second, is this the 'What if' episode?" She pulled her curly brown hair into a messy knot on top of her head.

I nodded. "Yeah, do you want me to rewind? I'm not far in."

"No it's okay. I've seen it like a million times, I know- oh my god, Karev's glasses. He's like medical Clark Kent."

We fell into a comfortable silence. Lindsey and I weren't very close; when my mom married Mark I had been a freshman and she had been a senior at SUNY Buffalo. We really didn't have anything in common, and it was honestly a little weird to be gaining a sister when I still felt the loss of Rosalind every day. But she had grown on me. She seemed funny and smart and had never treated me like a small child who wasn't worth her time. We still weren't quite sisters, but sometimes it felt like we could be something like friends. We watched Grey's for a couple more hours before she reluctantly pulled herself away to study.

I went upstairs and washed my face. I put on my pajamas and got into bed curling around my pillow as I tried to make my mind turn off. The only bad thing about being around Lindsey was that it served as a reminder to what I didn't have. I was able to get up every day and have a mostly normal life, sometimes not remembering I had lost my big sister for days, even weeks at a time. But then we would do something seemingly small, like going in together to buy Mark a birthday gift, or take each other's side when trying to pick a movie to watch at Christmas, and I became aware of how much I missed Ros. The spans of time without pain did nothing to temper the grief when it came; if anything, it just made the jagged loss hurt more.


	12. Chapter 12

**(Hey everyone! Here is chapter 12. It's a bit of a shorter chapter. I hope everyone had a terrific Halloween! Also, there was yet another terrorist attack in my city this week, just a mile and a half from where I was at work. Please stay safe out there, and hug those you love. The only way to fight fear and terror is through love and hope.)**

Lindsey and I spent the rest of the weekend together, binging our favorite television shows and working our respective schoolwork. My mom and Mark had arrived home from Niagara Falls late Sunday afternoon, looking exponentially more relaxed. Lindsey packed her things back into her little car and headed back to Cleveland, but not before giving me a tight hug and reminding me to drink my weight in cranberry juice.

That night as I lay in bed scrolling through Tumblr on my laptop, my mom came and knocked on my door. "Can I come in for a sec?"

I nodded and shut my laptop. She sat next to me against the headboard and didn't say anything for a minute, instead just looking around the room. "Big week coming up?"

I shrugged. "Not really. It's an off week so we don't have a game. So just regular school, I guess."

"How are you're classes going?"

"They're okay. We have a lot of homework but it's fine."

"That's good." We fell back into silence for several minutes. Finally, she rested a hand on my leg. "We need to talk."

I stifled a groan. "Mom-"

"I know you don't want to, but we have to. Now I need you to know that I love you and you can always come to me, with anything. I might be a little upset but I'll get over it." I kept my eyes trained on my shelf of soccer trophies. "Just be honest with me: are you having sex?"

"No." I kept my voice straight and level.

"Even if you were, you know that would be okay, right? Sex is a completely natural thing. You're young and you're going to experience a variety of emotions that may make you want-"

"Mom, we had the sex talk when I started Junior High, remember? The birds, the bees, everything."

"I know that, but it's different. When you were twelve it was more about making sure you knew what sex was and what precautions you would need to take in the future. But now… Well, it is the future. It's not a hypothetical anymore."

"Well, I'm not having sex. I don't have a boyfriend, remember?"

"I know, and I… I should have reacted better, after the doctor. I was just caught so off guard. I'm sorry."

I sighed. "It's fine."

"And if… someday… in the near future… you decide that you want to go on birth control, all you have to do is tell me and I'll make the appointment, okay? I don't want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me, JJ. I'm your mom, I'm here for you. And getting pregnant could… oh sweetie it could really mess up this stage of your life. And you have such a bright and wonderful future ahead of you. No matter which path you decide to pursue, whether it be professional sports or something else, I know you are going to do some amazing things." She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me so that my head was on her chest. She stroked my hair and I could hear the steady beating of her heart within her. She smelled the same way she always had, of cinnamon and brown sugar. I let my eyes slowly shut and relaxed further against her. "You're my sweet girl, you know it? I love you. Me and Mark and your dad are so proud of the woman you're growing into."

I pulled back and looked up at her. Suddenly, it's as if the truth of what was happening was sitting just on the tip of my tongue. But her eyes seemed so calm, so relaxed. Between Ros's suicide and my parents' divorce, so many of my more recent memories of her seemed to feature her crying or stressed out, the weight of the world on her shoulders. And I couldn't bring myself to shatter this moment for her. I couldn't be another bad, hurtful thing in her life.

"Everything okay?"

I forced a smile. "Yeah. I think I'm going to head to bed, though. I'm pretty tired."

"Alright, I'll get out." She pressed a kiss to my forehead and walked to the doorway. "Goodnight, JJ. Sweet dreams."

I smiled. "Night Mom. See you in the morning."

The week had proved to be just as uneventful as I had told my mom it would be. We had a pop quiz in Pre Cal on Tuesday, and while I thought I had done okay, my classmates were super stressed out about it.

Thursday as I was leaving first period with Penelope, Ms. Prentiss flagged me down. I held back as my classmates filtered out.

"Hey JJ, I just wanted to grab a quick word about the paper you turned in on Monday."

"Is everything okay? Oh my god, I didn't bomb it, did I?

"Oh no, not at all. That's not why I want to talk to you about it. It was actually wonderful. Your analytic work is great, you were able to present your points in a very well thought out manner."

Relief washed through me. I had always been a straight A student, I had never failed a paper in my life. "Oh, thank you."

"Have you done a lot of writing in the past?"

I shrugged. "I mean, yeah for class."

"Do you like it?"

I paused for a second, as it wasn't something I had ever really stopped to consider. "I… yeah. I guess I do. I've always done really well in English."

"How do you feel about public speaking?"

"What?"

"Speaking in front of people. It's actually the most common fear across the entire world. Does it bother you?"

"Not really. Playing soccer helped me get over anything like that, I guess. Doing a presentation is nothing after taking a ball to the face and getting a bloody nose in front of a packed stadium, y'know?"

She laughed. "Yeah I suppose that will really nip nervousness in the bud." She took a sip out of her coffee cup. "I'm asking because after reading this paper, I can't help but think you would make a great addition to the debate team."

"The debate team? Oh I don't know… It's something people usually start like freshman year, right?"

"Sometimes, but not always. One of the drawbacks of being the upper level English teacher means that I don't meet a lot of you until halfway through your time here."

"I don't know, I've never really thought about it."

"Well, you don't have to make any decisions right now. It's early October and we don't have our first practice tournament until the Monday before Thanksgiving. The actual competition season isn't until the Spring. Give it a thought. There's something about your writing style, I just think you'll take really naturally to writing briefs."

The warning bell rang and she took another sip of coffee. "I don't want to make you late for your next class, just think about it, okay? And let me know if you have any questions."

I gave her a small smile. "Sure thing, Ms. Prentiss. I'll see you tomorrow."

I mulled over what she had said as I hurried to Chemistry. I had honestly never given debate team more than a passing glance. It seemed like something someone else would do. But if I was being completely honest, I had had fun writing that paper for Ms. Prentiss. There was something really satisfying about being asked a question and then taking a stance, skimming through the novel for evidence to back it up. Maybe debate would be the same way. Maybe I was meant to be more than just another soccer player.


	13. Chapter 13

**(Hey everyone! So fun news: I just put in my two weeks notice at my job, and am currently searching for a new one. So that's why there is a bit of a delay on updates! But never fear, here is chapter 13!**

 **Also, if you're ever like, why does she weirdly skip around during the soccer games? That would be because I don't play soccer. My school didn't have a soccer team, and to be honest I've only been to one game in my entire life and the players were in kindergarten and no one was keeping score. So i'm trying, but you can only learn so much about a sport on google.)**

The Thursday and Friday schooldays passed without anything exciting happening. Coach Hotchner dismissed us from practice, reminding us that he would be at the field for extra conditioning and drills the next morning, and I trudged to the bus stop. It had been decided I would spend this weekend with my dad to make up for when I was sick. Part of me that wished the UTI's severe cramps would make a sudden reappearance and send me back to my mom's, but they didn't. Both nights were spent lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and waiting, but he never came. The red numbers flickered by, but even as my ears strained for the slightest noise in the darkened apartment, my door remained firmly shut.

Sunday morning dawned with me feeling cautiously content. Dad made us both plates heaped with pancakes and we watched as the Ohio State's women's team beat out Michigan in their fifth-consecutive win. We joked and laughed and I made us spaghetti for a late lunch. It felt so natural, as if nothing had ever gone wrong. It was these moments that kept me in silence. If I had been born to alcoholics, to parents addicted to drugs that belittled me and hit me, I would have told someone. But as it stood, my parents had always been wonderful to us. Even as a kid, I had barely been spanked, even when I probably deserved it. After the divorce, Travis and I had split our time between two loving households who wanted nothing but the best for us. And I still did, for the most part. My dad was as involved as he possibly could be in my life. He came to awards banquets and soccer games; he made sure my grades were up to standard, he cared about what was happening with my friends. He was a good dad. It's as if what happened in the darkness of my bedroom was because of someone else, not the man who taught me how to ride a bike. I couldn't reconcile the strong hands that kept me steady as I shakily pedaled forward with the clawing fingers that ripped my shorts down my legs.

* * *

As soon as the bell rang signaling the end of class on Tuesday, I gathered all of my stuff and headed for the field house. It was our first home game of the season and I would have been lying if I said I wasn't nervous. This would set the tone for the rest of our year, and I wanted desperately for us to play well. An undefeated streak was a great way to peak the attention of a college scout.

I shed my clothes and pulled on my white number 12 jersey. I laced up my cleats as the rest of the team came in and did the same. I took a seat on one of the benches and waited for someone to braid my hair. We had decided in the pre-season that everyone would wear their hair braided into a ponytail, which would both serve as a way to keep it out of our eyes and make us look cohesive as a team. The only problem with that was I had never learned to French braid, and thus had to rely on my teammates. Bailey came in from filling our water bottles and started on my hair.

"Is Union City here yet?"

"Yeah their bus just pulled in, I saw them unloading."

"Are there lots of people?"

She finished the braid and reached forward, taking the ponytail holder from my wrist. "Not too many, it's still early." She gave it a final tub and patted my shoulder. "You're good."

"Thanks." I retrieved my water bottle from the caddy, my metal spikes clicking against the concrete floor.

There was a knock on the outside door and then it cracked open. "Girls? Everybody decent?"

I took a quick glimpse around, making sure that everyone was already in their uniform. "You're good!" I yelled back.

Coach Hotchner came in, rubbing his hands together to try to dissipate his nervous tension. He always tried to appear completely calm and relaxed when he was addressing us, but I had played for him long enough to know his habits. He was wearing his typical white polo with the Creekside high logo embroidered on the chest tucked into a pair of black wind pants. He motioned for us to gather around and we all took a knee in a clump around him.

"Alright girls, settle down, settle down. Okay, first game of the season, how are we feeling?" Glancing around, we all gave nods and smiles, no one really wanting to voice the weird cocktail of nerves and excitement brewing in our veins. "We've been training hard for this and you guys have a lot going for you. I've seen the same articles you have, I've heard the talk, I'm not afraid to say what you're all thinking: we're a strong candidate for the state tournament this year. But that's not until the end of November. That's not tonight. Tonight we're at the very beginning. And when you go out in just a few minutes and take that field, every single one of you have an important decision to make: What will your legacy be this year? Is this the year you allow your insecurities, and weaknesses, and inter team conflict to pull you apart? Or is this the year you leave everything you have on the field and walk away champions?"

I felt as if my entire body was alive with electricity. Coach Hotchner raised his hand and we all jumped to our feet, bring our hands to meet his. "I have faith in you, ladies. I believe that as long as you keep focused, keep in communication with each other, and _remember your defense,_ " he emphasized, "you are unstoppable. Now, Blue Jays on three: one, two, three-"

"BLUE JAYS!" we chorused.

"Now let's get out there and get warmed up!"

We followed him out of the field house and proceeded down to the field. The bleachers were decently filled, with more people trickling in from the parking lot. The blue and yellow flags atop the chain link fences snapped happily in the wind and classic rock played on the crackly loudspeaker. The score board counted down the minutes until the match would start.

As I placed my water bottle next to the bench, I scanned the crowd. It took just a few moments before I saw my Mom's blonde hair, so like my own, blowing in the breeze. She was sporting a bright blue 'PROUD TO BE A SOCCER MOM' tee shirt, and she waved when she saw me looking. My dad and Mark, sitting on either side of her, noticed and did the same. I waved back before my attention was pulled further down the bleachers. Penelope was sitting with her parents, her fiery red hair contrasting brilliantly with the yellow sundress and blue cardigan she was wearing, her version of game day apparel. She smiled widely and waved like a madwoman. I couldn't help but laugh as I returned her wave as well, and then turned back to the pitch to start warming up.

* * *

When the final buzzer sounded, I wiped my brow and bent forward to catch my breath. We had done it. We played hard and strong, and had pulled through with a 3-1 victory, two of which belonged to me. I met several of my teammates for high fives as we returned back to our bench.

"Good game, girls! Good game!" Coach Hotchner yelled out as we jogged over. He clapped me hard on the shoulder. "Very nicely done, ladies!" I gratefully gulped the rest of the water in my bottle before wiping my face with a towel. "Alright, let's hit the locker room so you can get out to your parents."

When I left the locker room, dressed in my regular clothes, gym bag and back pack slung over my shoulders, I peered through the crowd that had gathered in an attempt to locate my family. Instead, I was hit with a primary colored blur.

"JJ! That was so good! You were so good!" Penelope hugged me tight around my neck. "And you won! Oh my god, that's so great, and you-"

"Let her breathe, Penelope." Her mom gently pulled her back a bit. "Great game, JJ. You were wonderful."

"Wonderful? That was fantastic! Seriously, great job!" Antonio beamed from behind his wife, giving me a double thumbs up.

"Pen, we'll be waiting in the car." Michelle said. "Well done, JJ. Can't wait for the next game!"

Penelope hugged me again as her parents walked away. "Seriously though. I didn't really know what was happening, 'cause ew sports, but Antonio said you played really well and you looked AMAZING while doing it, which is always nice."

"What's nice?" We turned to see Derek, and a group of the other soccer boys coming towards us. Penelope gave him a quick up-and-down.

"I am." She said simply with a smirk.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Unless you've been bad, that is."

Derek gave a grin and lifted his hands up in mock defense. "Woah now! Innocent until proven guilty, baby girl."

"We'll see about that chocolate thunder."

I was pulled away from watching their flirtatious banter by a soft hand on my elbow. I turned to find Will standing beside me. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey yourself."

"You played great today."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"Congrats on the win."

"Well, I had a good team to count on."

"I think you mean your team has a great forward to count on."

I looked at the ground, suddenly flustered. "I was… it's… fine." I finally stammered out.

"Hey I was wonderin', did you preorder the new John Green book?"

I groaned. "No, I forgot and when I remembered it was already sold through."

"Well, if you want, you can borrow mine when I'm done? I went and picked it up after school. I should be done by Thursday, Friday at the very latest."

I cocked an eyebrow. "You really think you can finish it that quickly?"

He grinned down at me. "Well it's already really great. I mean, it's a good thing you were kicking ass out there or I probably would have whipped it out in the stands."

I laughed. "Well I'm glad you found me suitably entertaining." I spotted my family over his shoulder, and was suddenly hyper aware of the three of them watching me talk to Will. "Uh… I've gotta… My parents."

He turned and saw them as well, promptly blushing at the realization. "Okay well… Good game. And I'll catch up with you to get you the book. Are you coming to our game Thursday night?"

I hadn't been planning on it, but I heard myself replying, "Yeah, of course."

He flashed me another grin. "Sweet! I'll… I'll catch you after, then." He walked back towards the other guys and I approached my parents.

"You were great, Jayje!" My mom gave me a hug. "And you scored two goals!"

"Thanks, Mom."

"JJ, great job honey." said Mark, giving me a high five.

"Thanks."

My dad pulled me in for a hug. "Great job baby." His voice sounded a little odd, and when I pulled back, something I couldn't quite put my finger on glittered in his eyes.

"Thanks, Dad."

"Here let me take your bags, I'm sure they weigh five thousand pounds as normal," said Mark, reaching for my duffel. I handed it over, rolling my eyes at his dramatic groan. "Sandy, our health insurance covers back surgery, right?"

"Hey, if you're going to be a drama queen about it, I'll just carry them."

"No, no! What am I here for if not to be a lowly mule, forever destined to haul the young lady's baggage about?"

My mom swatted his arm. "C'mon, let's get to the car before he breaks out into a soliloquy. It was nice to see you, Ron." She gave my dad a brief hug before turning to exit the stadium. I gave my dad a hug as well.

"Bye dad."

"Bye baby, I love you." I started to follow my mom, but turned back at the gate to look at him. He was still standing where I had left him, hands shoved in the pocket of his jeans, an unrecognizable look on his face.


	14. Chapter 14

**(Alright, two days in a row! Woohoo! Also, big things happening in a few chapters!)**

"Whatchya reading?"

I looked up from my book at Penelope. "Oh it's 'Turtle's All the Way Down' by John Green. It just came out on Tuesday."

She slid into her seat beside me and fished a mirrored compact from the bottom of her backpack. She flipped it open and gave herself a once over to make sure her makeup was still flawless. "The library has a copy already?"

"No, this is… I borrowed it. From a friend."

She arched an eyebrow as she exchanged her compact for her notebook. "A friend? It wouldn't happen to be a certain transfer from down South, would it?"

I kept my eyes focused on the page. "I got it from Will, yes."

"Hmm. And when was this?"

"Last night." I caught a wild gleam in her eye and quickly added, "after the boys game. He had already finished it and he lent it to me. It's not that big of a deal."

She narrowed her eyes at me as she gave a wicked smile. "Someone's on the defensive."

"I'm not! I just… It's fine, it's just a book."

"Mm hm." She didn't look quite convinced.

"Have you picked your essay topic yet?" I asked, changing the subject. We were coming into our last week working on _The Great Gatsby_ and Ms. Prentiss had presented us with three essay prompts on Wednesday.

"Not yet."

"You better hurry up, the rough draft is due on Tuesday."

"I know, I know. Which did you choose?"

"The one about how much of the book should be considered autobiographical. Either that or the one about how it represents the American Dream of the 1920s."

"I am literally so sick of hearing about the American Dream," Penelope groaned. "Like enough already, we get it! Gatsby started from the bottom and now he's here! Blah blah blah."

I laughed. "Yeah, that's why I'm thinking the other one."

"I was thinking about the one comparing Gatsby and Tom. But Tom is honestly such a dick. I have no idea why Daisy stayed with him."

I shrugged. "Their kid maybe? I don't know."

"Hey where are you this weekend?"

"My mom's."

"Would it be okay if I stayed over tonight? I know it's last minute and kind of rude to invite myself over but Antonio was invited to some conference thing and I was going to go with him and my mom but the AV club is having this 'Women in Tech' spot tomorrow afternoon and I need to be there to help set up and-"

"Slow down! I'm sure it's fine, I'll just need to check in with my mom."

"Sweet! Okay."

The bell rang and Ms. Prentiss came to stand at the front of the room. "Also, don't think for a second you're off the hook about Will," Penelope whispered under her breath. "I'm going to get all of the details out of you if it takes all night."

"Mom! Mark? I'm home, with Penelope!" I yelled out as we came through the door. Pen had picked me up from practice and driven us home.

"In here!" Mark called from the kitchen. We walked towards his voice.

"This is Penelope. Pen, this is Mark."

Mark looked up from his laptop and offered her his hand. "It's nice to meet you Penelope. JJ says you're from California?"

She nodded, rocking forward onto her toes. "Yup! San Francisco."

"Oh wow, so you've never experienced a real winter before, right? It doesn't snow in San Francisco?"

She shook her head. "Yeah it only snows every like forty years. But my mom's sister lives up on a farm in Oregon, so we spent a lot of Christmas's there."

"Well get ready. I heard on the radio today that we're expecting a cold one this winter. Over 125 inches."

She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Oh goody."

"Is mom home?"

Mark shook his head. "She has an open house until 6."

"Wait so are you making dinner?"

"I am. I was thinking a five course meal, centering around a pleasant duck confit."

"Alright well we're going to go up and watch Netflix, I guess come and get us when the pizza gets here."

"Hey! Don't you listen to her Penelope. I am a very capable cook!"

"Sure thing, Mark. I want pepperoni and olives on my half."

"Duly noted."

We climbed the stairs to my room and I flopped down onto my bed and opened my laptop.

"Mark seems nice."

"Yeah, he's not so bad. Just super corny." I rolled my eyes. "He's a walking dad joke."

"What does he do?"

"He's a loan officer for the bank over on Oak Street."

"Oh, that sounds… super boring. Sorry."

I laughed. "No worries. I feel the same way."

"What about your mom?"

"She stayed at home with us when we were little but when I started school she went back and got her real estate license."

"Cool. What about your real dad? Sorry about the 20 questions." I looked up from my screen and watched her for a moment as she walked around my room, looking at my awards and trophies, as well as the pictures on the walls.

"It's alright. He owns a heating and AC company here in town. Do you wanna watch something funny or serious?"

"Funny. Or something classic. Like Breakfast at Tiffany's!"

I clicked on the appropriate category.

"Is this Lindsey?"

I got up and came to look at the picture she was pointing at. It was in a purple collage picture frame, hung on the section of wall between my windows. The picture showed three kids in front of a tree, blonde hair shining bright in the sun.

"No, this is Lindsey."I pointed to a different picture in the frame, this one of Lindsey and I sitting at a table together. It had been taken at our parents' engagement party. Here her curly brown hair was much longer than it currently was, and my smile was tight and closed, hiding a mouthful of metal braces I would have taken off just a week before the wedding later that summer.

"Oh got it. Well then who's that?" she asked, returning her attention to the first picture.

I took a deep breath. I knew I would have to tell Penelope about Ros eventually, I just hadn't been sure how it would come up.

"This is me," I pointed to the smallest blonde child, my four year old face covered in chocolate ice cream, "this is my brother Travis," I pointed to where he was flexing his skinny eight year old arms at my mom behind the camera, "and this is my sister Rosalind." Even at ten years old, Ros was bigger than life. She stood behind me with her arms thrown out as wide as they would go, her head thrown back in a scream of laughter.

"Wait, how many siblings do you have? I'm so confused."

"It's me, Ros, Trav, then Mark's kids, Lindsey and Isaac."

"Oh wow, holy cow that's a lot. Do you all live here? Where is everyone?"

I took another deep breath. "Okay so there's me, I live here. Trav is 20. He's studying biology at Penn. Isaac is 21, he's getting an accounting degree. Lindsey is in law school at Cleveland State. And Ros… um. Ros died. A few years ago. Five years ago."

I glanced over at Penelope to see her jaw drop. "Oh my god! I… I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

I shrugged, returning my eyes to the collage frame. "It's alright."

"It's… how… I mean, if you don't mind me asking, if it's not so totally morbid, what happened?"

"She killed herself." I said quietly, feeling that all too familiar twist in my stomach. "When she was 17."

I turned away from her and walked over to my dresser. I rummaged through one of the open drawers, in search of a pair of shorts. "I was… I found her, actually. I was only 11, but I got up for school one morning and went into the bathroom and… Yeah. Yeah."

I had my back to Penelope, but I could still hear her quiet gasp. "Oh my god. You… Oh my god. I'm so sorry"

I turned back to her and forced a smile onto my face. "It's fine," I insisted with a shrug. "I'm going to change out of my Netflix is open on my laptop. I'm good with anything."

I walked down the hall to the bathroom. When I came back a few minutes later, Pen had picked 'How to Steal a Million.' I flopped down on the bed and we pressed play, the subject of Ros decidedly tabled for the night.

My mom picked up the pizza on her way home, and Penelope and I took our pie upstairs along with a couple sodas from the fridge.

"Alright so let's get down to it: What is going on with you and Will?" she asked, daintily blotting her face in order to preserve her bright pink lipstick.

"Literally nothing."

She gave me an all knowing look and took another bite. "Puh-lease, a blind person could have picked up on the weird tension-slash-chemistry between the two of you after your game. And he lent you his book!"

"Only because we had talked about how we both really like John Greene and I forgot to preorder his new book and it sold out and- stop looking at me like that!"

She took a swig of her soda. "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!" she smirked.

"Whatever. I barely even know him."

"Who said you have to know him to think he's super cute?"

"Well even if I did, and I'm SO not saying I do, he probably doesn't even like me back so it's pointless."

"Doesn't like you back?! Please tell me you're kidding. He looks at you like you're a freaking filet mignon, served up just for him-"

"What? Ew-"

"I mean he blushes, he compliments you… He would probably kill someone for you if you asked."

"Wait why would I need someone killed?"

"I don't know! Maybe they stole your parking spot or something, it doesn't matter. What matters is he's a hottie. You're a hottie. And you guys should totally get together."

I rolled my eyes. "Alright Pen, whatever you say." I threw my crust back into the box. "And anyway, what's happening between you and Derek Morgan?"

She gave an impish smile and shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing suitable for young ears." I threw my napkin at her and she began to giggle. "Oh I don't know. I mean don't get me wrong: he's a delicious hunk of man that I would love to sink my claws into, but as of right now we're just flirting."

I shook my head, also laughing. "Whatever you say, Penelope."


	15. Chapter 15

**Three days in a row! Hooray! Also, I debated back and forth for forever about whether to make this one giant frankenchapter or split it into two, but I finally decided to cut it in two. But Chapter 16 should be coming later tonight! And it's already at over two thousand words and it's like maybe halfway through. So that's super exciting. Be on the lookout!)**

Once again, the school week passed in a blur. As the days became shorter and colder, time seemed to fly by. On Tuesday we played Cherry Hill and won in a landslide, 4-0. I had turned in my rough draft to Ms. Prentiss, then the final copy a few days later. When I laid it on her desk, she handed me a folder of current and past debate topics "just to look over." As I glanced through the papers on my way to the next class, I couldn't help but think how heavy they were. Like I had told her, debate was not something I had given much thought, but I guess I had assumed they were debating simpler subjects like the cafeteria menu. Instead, the topics seemed to be pulled from the national headlines: Should the United States guarantee a right to housing? Should adolescents have the right to make autonomous medical choices? It was definitely juicier than what should be available in the vending machines.

On my way to the field house for practice Friday afternoon, I happened to run into Will.

"What did you think?" he asked as I pulled his book out of my backpack.

"Oh my god, it was so good. But I feel like it was really different from his other works. Does that make sense? I mean, it was still John Green, but it was different."

"No, I completely understand what you mean! I felt the same way-"

"LaMontagne! Do you plan on joining us anytime today, or you just gonna stand around and chit chat?"

Coach Cruz was standing at the door to the boys' field house, hands on his hips. Most of the team was already standing around him, dressed in their gray sweats. Will took off towards them, throwing a wave over his shoulder.

"I'll catch you around."

I was the last girl to the field, a far cry from my normal 'first in, last out' mentality. I hurried into a spot at the back of the stretch lines, bending to touch my toes as Peyton counted from the front, her voice fighting to be heard over the Pennsylvania wind. I knew they weren't, but it felt like everyone was looking at me, and I was grateful that my face was hidden so no one could see my blush.

Why did I leave every encounter with Will feeling like I had just returned to land after a month long journey at sea? It was like my legs couldn't find solid ground, like my body was made of tissue paper and string and jell-o. It felt like my brain completely turned off as soon as he got near me and I turned into a complete idiot, unable to string a conversation together. What in the world was happening to me?

When I got to my dad's that night, he was standing in the kitchen stirring a pot.

"Hey."

He looked up and gave me a smile. "Hey yourself. Your cheeks are red, is it still pretty cold out?"

I shrugged, unwinding my scarf from my neck. "It's not that it's cold, it's mainly just the wind."

He looked back to the stove. "Yeah, we're supposed to be having a cold front roll in tonight. That's why we're having goulash!"

"Mmm, with lots of garlic and tomatoes?"

"I wouldn't make it any other way."

"Awesome. Well I'm going to work on my trig homework."

"I feel like lately you don't do anything except homework."

"Trust me, I feel the exact same way."

About thirty minutes later I heard his phone ring. I didn't pay attention as he answered it, until his voice suddenly rose.

"No YOU don't understand, this is… It can't wait until tomorrow? My number one guy is out of town and won't be back until- Well, yes. Yes ma'am. Yes ma'am, I am aware of the cold front. Yes m- Yes, I-" He sighed deeply. "Okay. Let me get my things together, and I'll be right there. Yes ma'am."

He came into the living room and began putting on his shoes. "Everything okay?" I asked.

He let out a sharp exhale. "The heaters apparently aren't working down at the nursing home, and Mrs. Fritch wants it looked at pronto. Which normally wouldn't be an issue but Gus had to go with his wife to Erie for a root canal and won't be back until noon tomorrow. So I have to go out." He grabbed his jacket from the hook on the wall and shrugged into it. "Never mind that I've been out making house calls all day. She insisted that I come out immediately. It's no wonder they call her Fritch the bitch."

I nodded and returned back to my homework, unsure of what to say.

"Sorry sweetie, I shouldn't unload all of this on you. I'm going to the nursing home. The goulash is ready, there's cheese in the fridge. If you need anything just give me a call, okay? I have my cell phone."

"Dad don't worry about it, I'll be fine." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top on my head. When he pulled back, he had the same weird look as he had at the game last week.

"And don't be inviting people over. No boys."

I looked at him in confusion. "Uh… okay. Wasn't planning on it."

He nodded. His phone began to ring and he looked down, swearing under his breath before answering.

"Hello, Mrs. Fritch, I'm on my way, right now." He left, slamming the door behind him.

The apartment was oddly quiet with him gone. It was very rare that I was ever here by myself. Since he only had every other weekend, my dad made a point to completely clear his schedule. If he needed to go to the store, he always asked me to go along. But here I was.

I got up and ladled myself a bowl of the pasta dish and topped it with the cheese he had mentioned. Taking my food back into the living room I turned on the TV. I began to flip through the channel but couldn't settle on anything. I resigned myself to watching old reruns of Friends. As the opening credits played, I thought back to my dad's odd behavior. No boys? What in the world was he talking about? And he had had the weirdest look on his face. A small voice crept to the forefront of my mind, reminding me it had been over a month since he had last come into my bedroom.

I pushed the thought from my mind as I finished my dinner. Our own heater clicked on and I pulled a fuzzy Pittsburgh Steelers blanket over me as I settled more comfortable into the couch. The wind outside began to howl with renewed ferocity, and my eyes began to inch close as I listened to the laugh tracks of the television.

Suddenly someone was shaking me awake. "JJ? C'mon sweetie, go to bed."

I pushed the hand away. "I am in bed." I grumbled.

The person, who I now recognized as my dad, laughed softly. "No, you're on the couch. C'mon you fell asleep watching TV, you need to go get in your own bed."

"But why?" I burrowed further under the blanket.

"Because. You just do."

I groaned and pushed myself upright, squinting against the blue glare of the TV. "What time is it?"

"Almost one."

"And you just got home?"

"It turns out old Mrs. Fritch was right, the heaters were acting up. I had to try to get them back on."

"And did you?" I kept the blanket wrapped around me as I shuffled slowly towards my bedroom.

"It's good enough for right now. Gus and I will have to take another look tomorrow when we actually have access to parts and all of our equipment."

I pushed open the door to my cold bedroom and shivered. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight. Are you going to conditioning tomorrow morning?"

"Mmhm. Night." I shut the door and fell into bed, pulling the covers over me and sliding right back into sleep.

* * *

The cold front moving in meant the field was freezing. I pulled my hoodie tighter around me as Chloe, Peyton, and I sat up cones. Even Coach Hotchner had a beanie tugged down over his ears to try and block the chill. We all jogged a couple laps, slower than normal as it seemed no matter which way we turned we were running into the wind. Afterwards, he sat us up in a passing drill. We went on for thirty minutes, halfheartedly sending the ball back and forth before he called it.

"There's no sense in staying out here in the cold if we don't have to. Thanks for coming out this morning girls, you can head home. Have a good weekend."

As we grabbed our things from the sideline, Peyton offered me a ride and I gratefully accepted. As she drove across town to my dad's apartment, she asked what I was doing later.

"Probably nothing, honestly. Maybe I'll face-time Kate, see what she's doing."

"Or you could come out to Sam's!"

"What are you talking about?"

She rolled her eyes. "I don't know how you can possibly be so out of the loop. Sam's parents are out of town so his brother came home from college and they're having a huge party."

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't know, parties really aren't my thing."

"How would you know?! You've never came!"

I sighed as we pulled into the parking lot. "I don't know! It just doesn't sound like my idea of fun."

She put her car in park. "Well you should come. Even for just a little bit."

I smiled. "I'll think about it."

* * *

I was watching Notre Dame play USC when my phone began to ring. Penelope's picture popped up and I answered it, standing to walk towards my room.

"Hello."

"Did you know about this?"

"What?"

"Did you?"

"I… don't know. What are you talking about?"

"The party! At some senior named Sam's house!"

Everything clicked into place. "Oh yeah. I heard this morning. What about it?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what? Why would I tell you?"

"So we could go!"

"But… what? I don't want to go."

"JJ we have to. This is the time of our lives when we get to go do crazy things, just for the sake of doing them!"

"College. You're thinking about college. High school is the time of our lives where we work our asses off so we can go to college and do crazy things."

"C'mon, please? I really want to go, and you're my only friend. Please, please, please?"

I let out a reluctant groan. "Fine, uh let me ask my dad."

"Just ask him if you can spend the night with me."

"What? Why?"

"Just trust me."

I walked back into the living room. "Hey dad, would it be okay if I spent the night with Penelope tonight?" I saw the immediate reluctance in his eyes, and a lie was on my tongue before I realized what I was doing. "She's just feeling really lonely. She misses her friends back in California, and she really needs me."

He pursed his lips. "Well… yeah. I guess that's fine. But you'll be back tomorrow?"

I nodded. "Yeah, here for breakfast."

He looked back towards the TV. "Alright."

I walked quickly back to my room before bringing the phone back to my ear. "He said yes."

She squealed so loud I jerked the phone away in surprise."Okay! Awesome. Oh this is going to be so much fun. Okay, I'll be at your house in fifteen. Bring your makeup. And wear your skinny jeans. And bring a top that isn't related to sports in anyway!"

She promptly hung up, leaving me wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.


	16. Chapter 16

**(See! I told you it was on the way! I've just been really inspired about this story lately.**

 **PLEASE NOTE:**

 **1\. The first half of this story deals with teen drinking. If that bothers you in anyway, please skip.**

 **2\. The second half of this story contains a fairly graphic portrayal of sexual assault. If this is triggering to you, PLEASE stop reding after they leave the party.**

As soon as we got out of the car, we could hear the loud throb of the music playing inside the house. A few people were milling around outside but it seemed the cold had done a good job of keeping the party contained inside. I instantly began to shiver as the wind cut through my flannel shirt and tank top. Penelope had insisted we leave our coats in the car to avoid misplacing them once in the party. We hurried to the door and she pushed it open.

The house wasn't large by any means, just an old ranch style home on the edge of Sam's family's land. Once inside, the music was almost unbearably loud. Teens were everywhere: standing in groups, sitting on counters, playing beer pong. The heat of so many bodies crowded in a small space was a huge contrast to the chill October weather, and I found myself glad that I had listened to Penelope and left my jacket in the car.

Penelope set off determinedly through the crowd and I anxiously followed her. I was almost certain she had no idea where she was going but I didn't want to be left standing alone like an idiot. She weaved around our classmates until we found ourselves in the kitchen. Bottles and cans of alcohol lined the counters, both unopened and emptied. They made the homey, blue gingham curtains on the window seem incredibly out of place. Pen opened the fridge and began to rifle through before standing up with a few bottles.

"Alright, what do you want?"

"What?"

"What do you want to drink?"

"I don't know, I don't-" I was cut off by a ping pong ball zooming by us, almost catching me in the face, "-don't drink." I finished lamely.

"Okay, here, try this." She grabbed a red solo cup off of the kitchen island, giving it a quick sniff. She shrugged and poured some red wine into it before handing it over.

I took a tentative sip before grimacing. "Oh my god, that's awful."

"Yeah, it really is. You learn to love it though." She picked up the other bottle she had grabbed. She twisted off the green top and handed it over.

"What is this?" I peered suspiciously at the fizzy liquid.

"It's a Smirnoff, just drink it."

I took a sip, but this was much better. "Oh, that's… That's not bad, actually. It tastes like a jolly rancher."

"Yup! Gotta love green apple." She took a drink straight from the bottle of red wine. "Alright let's go mingle." She grabbed my hand and pulled me after her. It wasn't long before she spotted a guy from her Chemistry class and stopped to talk to him. I stood somewhat awkwardly to the side, and kept sipping my drink. This is one of the prime reasons I had never wanted to go to parties; I was afraid of the waiting for someone to come up and talk to you. Penelope and the guy, AJ, from the sound of it, started talking about a TV show I didn't watch and I downed the rest of the sugary drink. I placed a hand on her arm.

"I'm going to get another drink!" I called over the music. She gave me a thumbs up and I headed for the kitchen. I poked through what was on the counter, trying to see if I could find another of what Pen had given me, but had no luck.

"Not finding what you want?" I looked up to find Will leaning against the doorway.

"Hey." I pushed my hair out of my face.

"Want some help?"

"That… That would be great actually," I laughed. "I've never really drank before so this is all new." He stood beside me and took a look at the bottles.

"What do you like?"

I held up my empty bottle. "This."

He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Smirnoff? Seriously?"

"What? What's wrong with it?"

"Uh… Nothing, except it's bitch beer. Only wimps drink it." He shot me a lopsided grin.

My mouth dropped open. "I am NOT a wimp." I put my hands on my hips. "Alright well then give me something that's not bitch beer. And not red wine." I added, remembering what Pen had tried to give me.

"Noted… Let's see. Have you ever taken a shot?"

I gave him a look. "What part of 'I'm new to this' did you not get?"

"Alright sassy, I was just checking! Well I think everyone should start their nights off with a shot. We'll do…" he grabbed a tall clear bottle, "vodka." He grabbed a few shot glasses from the counter and rinsed them off with water.

As I watched him fill the glasses I couldn't help but ask,"So are you like, a professional drinker, or what?"

He laughed. "No, but I am from New Orleans, where drinking is pretty much the national past time." He handed me one of the shot glasses, but stopped me before I brought it to my lips. "Wait! There's a proper procedure. First we have to toast. Make a toast."

My mind seemed to go blank. "Um… To… Soccer." My face flushed as we both laughed. "No that's super lame, let me think…"

"How about to a great junior year?"

"Yes! To that."

"Okay so first we clink our glasses together," we did so, the vodka sloshing over the top a bit, "then you bump them on the table like so, and now you drink it all, in one go." I threw the liquid back and tried to swallow it all but it burned the back of my throat and I began to splutter and cough.

Will laughed and patted my back. "Wow you weren't kidding, you really are new to this."

"I told you!" I exclaimed as I gasped for breath.

"Here," he said, pulling a bottle of coke from the fridge, "This was supposed to be for mixing but I think you should probably take it easy." He poured it into a cup and did the same for himself, then added a amber liquid to his. "Jack Daniels," he explained. "You can never go wrong with a Jack & Coke." I nodded and took a drink of my plain soda. The shot had burned but now it was creating a rather pleasant warmth in my chest.

"So how are you liking Pennsylvania?" I asked.

"It's really nice, y'know? I mean I miss my friends but it's pretty okay." He shifted so that instead of leaning against the counter next to me he was standing in front of me. "And also, there's this girl here."

My breath seemed to catch in my throat. "Oh yeah?"

He nodded. "Yeah. She's really pretty and smart and she has good taste in books and I'm pretty sure she could kick my ass, but I'm strangely okay with it." He laughed then leaned so that we were looking each other in the eyes.

"She sounds pretty cool."

"She is."

"You," I swallowed, my heart pounding in my chest, "you should introduce us. I'd love to meet her."

"Maybe that can be arranged." His face slowly came towards me and it felt as if my entire stomach flipped over inside of me. Then his lips met mine. They were soft and warm and pressed against mine, softly at first, then a little bit harder. One of his hands came to rest on my hip and I brought the hand not holding my soda up to his shoulder. He tilted his head and kissed me again, deeper. I felt completely lost, as if I was floating in space.

He pulled back. "Do you wanna go somewhere a little quieter?"

I nodded dumbly, and he took my hand and led me through the kitchen and living room. We went down the hallway before Will pulled open a door and held it open for me. We found ourselves in what looked like a guest bedroom. I anxiously fidgeted with my horseshoe necklace as he turned on a lamp, unsure of what would happen from here.

"So…" I slowly said.

"So…" he repeated. We looked at each other and began to laugh.

"God it's so hot in this house." I commented, fanning myself.

"Yeah, I don't think they were quite prepared for her how many people were going to come." He placed his drink on one of the side tables.

"They should have turned on the AC."

"Well it's no wonder you're hot, you're wearing two shirts!"

I looked down and laughed. "Well to be fair I was also dressing for the weather outside." I slipped out of my flannel top. I folded it and placed it on the dresser before turning back to face him in my tank top.

He took a seat at the foot of the bed. "So who do you guys play next week?"

"Bethel Park."

"Ah. But you guys pretty much stomped them during the tournament, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm not too worried." I sat next to him. "What about you? Do you think you'll beat Seven Springs?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure. I mean, their men's team isn't as good as their women's, but then again, neither is ours." He gave me a cheeky chin that then softened into a small smile.

"I meant it, just so you know. I think you're really beautiful."

I was grateful the room was so dimly lit so he couldn't see my face flush maroon.

"Thanks, I guess. You're sweet." I whispered.

He comically clutched his heart. "'You're sweet?' Oh man, just what a guy wants to hear!"

"No, that's not what I meant!" I exclaimed, laughing.

"Well what did you mean?"

Our faces were close together once more.

"This." I murmured. I leaned in and kissed him. He reciprocated, one hand finding it's way into my hair. I let my hands gently caress the planes of his chest and back, and his other hand lightly grasped my hip.

His mouth opened slightly and our kiss grew deeper. He gently pushed me back until I was laying on the bed and he was leaning over me. One of his fingers came into contact with the small sliver of skin between my jeans and where my tank top had ridden up, and he caressed it softly.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" I pushed Will away in shock and we both turned to see Elle standing in the doorway. "No, no, don't stop for me, things were just getting interesting." She swaggered forward and took a sip from her own cup.

"Hi Elle." he said with a sigh.

"Hi Will. Are you enjoying the party? Oh wait don't tell me, I can see you obviously are."

She glanced suggestively at his crotch and threw her head back with laughter when he sat up with a start, pulling away from me completely.

"Did you need something?" I asked, unable to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

She laughed again. "Oh wow, Goody Two Shoes Jareau is ready to go. I'll leave you to it then." She exited the room, pulling the door shut behind her.

The room had taken on a slight air of awkwardness. "Sorry… about Elle." I finally said.

"Why are you apologizin' for her?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, it's just… We grew up together. Like literally, we've known each other since we were tiny and now we have this weird thing."

"Maybe she's jealous of you."

I rolled my eyes at him. "I'm sure." I stood up and grabbed my flannel, pulling it back on.

"Hey," he caught my hand and pulled me so I was standing between his legs. "I really like you, JJ. I mean it. And this isn't the booze talkin', it's not me trying to get into your pants. I think you're honestly great, and I… Well, I'd love to take you out sometime. If you'd like that, anyways."

I placed my free hand on his cheek. "Yeah, I think I would really like that." I leaned down and met his lips for another small kiss, then pulled back.

"We should probably head out before Elle starts stirring shit up," I said. "And I should find my friend Penelope."

"Yeah she… She's a lot. In a good way, but she… Yeah."

I laughed. "No I know what you mean. She comes on pretty strong." I took his hand and he led me back out into the party.

Things hadn't calmed down. If anything, more of our classmates had piled into the house while we were otherwise engaged. Noticing that both of our drinks were low, Will wound us back towards the kitchen. He refilled my cup with coke and then topped it off with a liquor. "Coconut rum," he explained, seeing my furrowed brow. I nodded and took a sip.

"Not too bad."

"So where do you think she would be?" he asked, peering around.

I let out a sigh. "I don't have a clue. Last time I saw her she was talking to some guy named AJ from her Chemistry class."

"Okay… Well I have no idea who that is. What color is she wearing?"

"A red and blue plaid romper."

" I don't see her. Maybe she's outside?"

As soon as we stepped outside we were hit with the bitter wind. "See!" I cried, "this is why I wore two shirts!" He laughed and we quickly returned inside.

As we were picking our way back through the living room, one of the girls in my English class, Allison, came up to us.

"Hey, Penelope needs you!"

"Where is she?" I asked, yelling over the nearby speaker.

"She's in the bathroom." She pointed and we followed. Outside the door was a line of angry people needing to pee.

"Tell her to hurry up and get out already!" One of them yelled.

I cracked open the door to find Pen kneeling in front of the toilet. Her eye makeup was smeared, she had obviously been crying. I could also tell by the smell emanating from the toilet that she had been sick.

"JJ!" she cried, eyes welling up with tears at the sight of me. "I don't feel good…" she moaned, before turning and retching into the toilet again.

I grimaced at Will. "Something tells me she's not going to be able to drive us home."

"Are you good to drive?"

I pointed at myself. "Me? I don't even drive sober!" I ran my fingers through my hair. "Okay what are we going to do…" I crouched beside her. "Pen we need to call your parents."

"No…" she began to sob harder. "They're going to be so mad."

"Well you can't drive, and I can't drive, and we have to get home. I think they'd be a lot madder if we didn't call."

I finally convinced her to make the call and hiccuping, she did. I flushed the toilet and with Will's help got her back up on her unsteady, high heeled feet. He helped us get to the front door and then stayed while we waited. Twenty minutes later the Garcia's black suburban pulled into the long drive, and we carried her out to meet her parents. They were definitely upset about us drinking but repeated over and over that they were glad we called. Pen and I got in the backseat behind Michelle, and Antonio got her keys to follow us home in her car.

The ride to my dad's apartment was tense. When we pulled into the parking lot, I reached for the door handle to get out but Michele stopped me. "Sorry JJ but your dad needs to know what happened." She put the car in park and followed me to the door. Even though it was nearly one in the morning, I could hear the TV playing. She knocked on the door and after a few moments we could see the living room light turn on then the door swung open. He was in his pajamas and his hair was messy, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he had been drinking.

Michelle briefly explained what had happened in a low voice. Before she turned to go back to the car she pulled me in for a hug. "It's okay," she whispered. "And thank you for calling us." She released me then turned and went back to the car. My dad stepped back and let me in, shutting the door against the cold.

I walked a few steps towards my bedroom before he stopped me. "Jennifer." My stomach dropped somewhere below my knees. I could count on one hand how often my parents had been upset enough to call me by my full name. I turned back to face him and took a deep breath to try to steady myself. I hadn't had nearly as much to drink as Penelope, but I was definitely feeling it.

"I'm sorry." I finally mumbled.

"You're sorry?" he yelled."How could you do something like this? You lied to me! You stood right there and you lied to straight to my face!"

I dropped my bag on the ground. "Well, what was I supposed to do, Dad? You never want to let me go anywhere! You want me to just sit at home and be a little girl."

"Well apparently, I can't trust you when you do go out! Drinking? Have you lost you goddamn mind? You could have gotten alcohol poisoning! You could have choked on your own puke and died! Someone could have hurt you."

Anger welled up inside of me and I started shedding my coat and shoes as I became unbearably hot, throwing them on the ground. "Someone could hurt me? Hurt me?!" Hysterical laughter bubbled up out of my throat. The alcohol made me bold and loosened my tongue. "You would know all about that, wouldn't you."

He took a few steps towards me and jammed his finger into my face. "Don't you dare talk to me like that, JJ. I am your father."

"Well you know what? I have a few of those now, and you're kind of a piece of shit!" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I had crossed a line. His eyes seemed to belong to someone else. His hand caught me across the cheek, and the blow sent me stumbling backwards. The alcohol had lowered my equilibrium and my feet came out from under me, sending me sprawling backwards, catching myself on the arm of the couch at the last minute. I looked back at him with shock and betrayal.

"I hate you!" I cried, barely able to breathe with the ferocity of emotions running through me. "I fucking hate you."

He pounced on top of me and we slid down to the carpet between the couch and the coffee table. Fear froze the blood in my veins. This was something completely new. He had never hit me in any way. He had never come for me in any place other than my bedroom. And more than anything, he had never attacked me with the light on. In the dark, I could pretend it wasn't happening. I could pretend I wasn't me, that he wasn't my father, that I was a thousand miles away. In the glare of the overhead light, there was no escape.

I fought him as I never had before. There was something about being able to see him above me, see his face contorting with rage and lust, that was absolutely devastating. I brought my hand up and dragged my nails across his cheek. He retaliated by grabbing my hands and holding them above my head. I arched my back and kicked my legs trying to buck him off of me but I couldn't move.

The hand that wasn't holding my wrists grabbed the hem of my tank top and pulled it up. My body convulsed with sobs. "You were with that boy from the game, weren't you? Weren't you?!"

"Please, please don't, daddy please!"

He didn't listen to me. His head dipped to where my neck met my shoulder and bit and sucked on the skin there. The cries echoing from my throat built into a hoarse scream. A hand came over my mouth and muffled me. I couldn't breath. He unbuttoned my jeans and pushed them roughly down my legs.

Even with my mouth covered, I tried to plead with him, reason with him. It did nothing. Before I could do anything, my knees were being pushed into my chest and he was inside me, hurting me, tearing me. Without my faithful alarm clock, red numbers shining through the darkness, there was no way to count down the time, and it seemed to stretch on forever. I gave up my begging, knowing it was no use, and just cried and cried and cried.

Eventually it stopped. He stood and pulled his pajama pants back up. I stayed where I was on the floor, unable to move except for body gasping air as I cried. He looked down at me, and as the rage subsided I saw some semblance of clarity seemed to click back into place. He gazed at what he had done, then stumbled backwards, walking down the hall to his bedroom and slamming the door behind him.


	17. Chapter 17

**(Hooray for consecutive updates! I hope everyone is having a good end of fall/beginning of winter! Stay safe my loves.)**

My eyes shot open. I had laid on the living room floor for what felt like hours. I couldn't stand; I couldn't even force my hands to pull down my tank top or pull up my jeans. At some point I must have fallen asleep. I stared at the ceiling, unable to comprehend what had happened the night before. Finally, when I saw the light begin to creep in through the windows, I was able to shake myself out of my stupor.

My body ached in protest as I came to a sitting position. In a daze, I adjusted by bra back into place and pulled my shirt down. I pulled my underwear and jeans up from my knees, hissing as they brushed against a tender spot on my butt. I didn't bother to button them as I stood, but rather stumbled forward and switched off the overhead light. I grabbed the remote from the armchair and switched off the TV. Even in the near darkness I could still see the evidence: the pillows in the couch askew from where I had fallen, the coffee table pushed out of place, the dark stains dotting the carpet. Tears suddenly welled up in my eyes and I took a deep breath.

I tiptoed down the hallway and eased my door open. I threw all of my things into my bags. I yanked my phone charger from the wall and shoved it into my backpack. I shouldered both bags and brought them with me to the bathroom. When I flipped on the light, I couldn't silence my strangled gasp. My hair was wild around my face. The mascara and eyeliner I had painstakingly applied in Penelope's car was no streaked down my cheeks. The faintest of bruises was becoming apparent on my cheekbone. But the most ugly of all were the vivid red and purple marks on my lower neck and collarbones. I felt disgusting, like a bone pulled from jaws of a dog.

I tore my eyes from my reflection and grabbed a washcloth and wet it at the sink. I scrubbed the makeup from my face until my cheeks were spotless and pink. I snatched my toothbrush and toothpaste from the counter and added them to my bag. Then I backed out of the bathroom, turning off the light as I went I pulled on my jacket and shoved my feet into my shoes before heading for the front door.

"JJ."

I whipped around to see him standing behind me. I pressed my fingernails hard into the palms of my hands as my eyes lingered on the scratch marks decorating his cheek.

"Baby."

"I'm going home." My voice was hoarse and shaky. I turned on my heel and left the apartment, slamming the door behind me.

The bitter wind from the day before had died down, leaving the early morning brisk and fresh. The first pink tendrils of the sun began to clear the horizon as I arrived at the bus stop. I wiped furiously at my eyes as they threatened to overflow. I was sick of crying; I never wanted to cry again. I dug a hair tie out of my duffel bag and pulled my locks roughly into a ponytail.

By the time the bus had dropped me off at the end of my mom's street, I had pulled myself together a bit. I eased through the front door and quickly input the alarm code so I wouldn't wake my mom and Mark up. I went to the upstairs bathroom and locked myself inside. I turned on the shower as hot as i could stand it and began to ease my clothes off. I did my best to avoid my reflection in the mirror. When I pulled my underwear down, the sting of pain I had felt that morning flared up again. Twisting around and standing on my tiptoes, I peered at my backside. I was met with an ugly red abrasion. After a few seconds I realized it must be carpet burn.

I got into the shower as quickly as I could and began to scrub. The water burnt my skin but I ignored it. If anything it just made me more determined to get clean. I had been in the shower for quite a while when there was a soft knock on the door. It scared me, making me jump and fight not to lose my balance.

"JJ," my mom called quietly from outside, "your dad called. I need you to come down to the kitchen when you get out of the shower."

I pushed down the urge to vomit. "Okay."

I reluctantly turned off the water and wrapped myself in a towel. Gathering my bags, I darted down the hallway to my room. I grabbed fresh under wear and a pair of sweats and pulled them on. I grabbed a tank from my dresser but when I turned to put it on, my eyes were drawn to the hickory on my neck. _I can't wear this. I can't let_ _M_ _om see me like this._ I grabbed a thick, high necked sweatshirt instead, then wound a scarf around my neck. I quickly tugged my brush through my wet hair then retrieved my make up bag. I had gotten several black eyes and bruised faces from my years of sports, and had learned how to cover them up. I dabbed the concealer over my cheekbone and hoped it would be enough to keep it hidden.

When I got to the kitchen, my mom and Mark were sitting at the table, looking very serious. "Take a seat, Jayje." I pulled out a chair and sat, pulling my knees up in front of me.

"Your dad called. He told us what happened."

My eyes flickered back and forth between them. "What did he say?"I asked, my mouth dry.

"He told us that you lied to him about spending the night with a friend so you could go to a party, and then got drunk." I pressed my lips together. "Well?" My mom asked, "is that true?"

"I _was_ going to spend the night with Penelope. I didn't lie about that."

"JJ..." my mom began, but Mark put a hand on her arm.

"While that may be true, I think we can all agree that you weren't necessarily being completely honest."

"And anyways, what we really care about is that you were out drinking. I mean Jayje that's not like you."

I took a deep breath. "I just... Pen really wanted to go. And I'm really her only friend right now."

Mark furrowed his brow. "But JJ your actions have consequences."

"You're going to be applying to college soon! What if you had gotten an MIC? Or a DUI?" she cut in.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah except I don't drive sober or drunk so that's pretty unlikely."

"Cut the attitude, you know what I meant! And it's more than that! You're an athlete, kids in the community look up to you."

"Mom, I'm sorry okay?" My head began to pound, no doubt from the crying. "And to be fair, I was actually really responsible. Did he tell you that? I barely even had anything! I had like two drinks and a shot and then I stopped. And I was the one who recognized that Pen couldn't drive home and made her call her parents. Did he tell you that?!"

Mark winced slightly as my voice became loud and shrill. "Yes honey, he did. And while we're happy that you called the Garcia's, we're disappointed that you allowed yourself to be put in that position."

"Very disappointed. You know better than this."

I didn't know what to say to them, so I said nothing, sliding further down behind my knees.

She sighed deeply. "You're not... in trouble, really. We would much rather you call us in situations like this. But we are concerned. Teenage drinking is dangerous, it's not safe."

I sighed. "I know that." I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the bowl of fruit in the middle of the table.

"We love you honey. We love you so much." my mom said.

"And from what your dad said on the phone, the two of you really got into it last night. But you need to remember that he loves you too, and just wants what is best for you."

I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat, so I just nodded in Mark's direction.

"Do you want something to eat?" My mom asked.

I shook my head.

"Do you want to go to your room?"

I nodded and stood up. As went to leave the kitchen, Mark tried to lay a comforting hand on my shoulder, but I automatically wrenched away as soon as he made contact.

"It's okay." I heard him say softly to my mom as I continued up the stairs. I spent most of the day in bed, Netflix playing on my laptop as I stared blankly at the screen. I didn't work on any of my homework, didn't complete any of my reading. I just burrowed underneath my comforter and tried to shut off my brain. A few times my mom came in and asked if I was hungry, but I turned her down, not wanting to get up. Finally, that evening, she put her foot down and insisted I come down and eat dinner with her and Mark.

I had a hard time falling asleep that night, and eventually woke much too early, heart pounding from a series of terrible nightmares where I was stuck underground, and wet clay kept filling my nose and mouth every time I tried to take in a breath. I knew there was no way I would be able to get back to sleep, and so I went ahead and got up for the day.

I carefully layered makeup over the small bruise on my face and the marks at the bottom of my throat. Over that I put a flannel and a scarf, thankful it was cold enough that they wouldn't be questioned. I switched out my normal jeans for leggings, hoping they would rub less on the carpet burns.

In first period, it was a very contrite Penelope who sat beside me. "I'm so sorry," she gushed. "I dragged you into going to the party, you didn't even want to go, and then I got way drunker than I meant to, and how mad are your parents?"

I sighed. "I mean they're definitely not happy, but they ended up going the 'we're so incredibly disappointed in you' route."

"Yeah mine too. Except also they took Persephone away for an entire month. How am I supposed to get anything done without my wheels?" she pouted.

I offered her a small smile, "I'm always happy to show you the public bus system." The look of disgust on her face was priceless.

By the time I got to athletics last period, I was already exhausted. The lack of sleep was catching up to me, and I nearly nodded off several times during class. I went to my locker and began to undress, praying that I would be able to find some focus before taking the field for practice.

"Oh my god, is that what I think it is?" I turned, confused at Elle's loud voice. "It is! Goody Two Shoes over here has a hickey!" Looking down, I realized that most of the makeup I had applied that morning had rubbed off onto my clothing, leaving the bites visible. My face burned and I rushed to pull on my practice top and hoodie.

"Not just one but several! Man, who would have guessed that Will would have been so ferocious in the sack?" she taunted.

I slammed my locker shut and sat on the bench to pull on my cleats. "Shut up." I said quietly.

"No freaking way. You finally got knocked off your pretty little pedestal after all these years! This is the best day of my entire life."

I turned to face her head on. "Leave me alone." I said, as evenly as I could. Then I turned and stormed out of the locker room to the field. I stood in the very front line for stretches, and refused to look at anyone, keeping my eyes on my shoes. When we finished, Coach Hotchner called us to gather around him.

"Alright, we're going to be learning a new defense. Now, the most important thing to remember when we're going through it, is that you need to stay on your man-"

"Oh man, JJ's going to be great at this." I could hear Elle say under her breath, and a chorus of giggles broke out in my teammates.

"Is something funny Elle?" Coach Hotchner asked, peering over at her.

"Nope! I just think it's good we're choosing to play to our newly discovered strengths." She replied with a satisfied grin.

"Well, thank you, but feel free to keep your remarks to yourself." He glanced back down at the clipboard in his hand. "The other thing to focus on is that when used properly, this defense will lead to quick turnovers, so Megan, JJ, as forwards I need you absolutely ready to go-"

"Good thing she's Ready To Go Jareau." This time Elle said it loud enough that everyone could hear.

Something inside me snapped. All of the shame and grief and confusion and rage that I had been desperately pushing down came roaring to the surface. Every last inch of self restraint I possessed seemed to vanish, and I launched myself at Elle. I caught her by surprise and we toppled to the ground. I landed halfway on top of her and grabbed a chunk of her hair, pulling as hard as I could. She let out a short screech before landing a slap across my face. She was at an awkward angle so she couldn't put much power behind it, but it still stung. I retaliated by balling up my fist and punching her in the nose. Before anything else could happen, Coach Hotchner grabbed me and pulled me off of her.

"What in the world has gotten into you!" he bellowed. I wrenched my arm from his grasp and rested my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. Elle jumped to her feet as a small trickle of blood began to make it's way out of her nose.

"Both of you! To the office! Immediately!" He began to escort us back to the school, calling over his shoulder for the girls to set up and scrimmage.

I had only been in Mrs. Strauss's office a few times, and it had never been because I was in trouble. As Elle and I steamed in our separate chairs, Coach Hotchner explained what had happened.

After he did, she removed her glasses and sat them on her desk. "Well it goes without saying that I'm appalled at both of your behaviors."

"Me?" cried Elle. "She attacked ME-"

"I told you to leave me alone-"

"Be that as it may," she said loudly, waiting for us to get quiet. "you both physically assaulted another student. Which is a clear violation of the handbook."

"I was defending myself, she could have broken my nose!"

"Let's take the hysterics down a notch, Miss Greenaway." Mrs. Strauss commanded with a frown. "But I have to say, Miss Jareau I am most shocked at you, this is not the kind of behavior that we have come to expect from you."

"She deserved it," I spat, unable to stop myself. "I told her to leave me alone and she wouldn't."

Mrs. Strauss held up her hand. "Enough. Now, there's the issue of punishment. Normally, you would be suspended for the rest of the day and the two following, but seeing as today's almost over, and you're both normally such well behaved students, I'm willing to let that slide. You will however be serving detention this coming Saturday from eight am to twelve thirty. I also assume that Coach Hotchner will be giving out a separate punishment."

I looked over my shoulder at where Coach Hotchner leaned against the office wall, arms crossed over his chest. "Oh absolutely. Today's practice has absolutely been ruined, but more importantly, you're both upperclassmen, and leaders of this team. And today you set a horrible example for your younger teammates. You're both benched for the next two games."

We both rushed to protest but he held up his hand. "Honestly you're lucky I'm not kicking you both off the team. But like Mrs. Strauss said, this behavior is extremely out of the ordinary, so I'm willing to give you both a second chance."

I clamped my mouth shut and sunk even lower in my chair. Detention? Suspended for two games? My parents were just going to love this.


	18. Chapter 18

**(Heyyy! Here is chapter 18! A huge thank you to my friend George for proof reading this for me (because I've had two glasses of wine, eyyyy.) I hope you enjoy the chapter, please leave a review!)**

Coach Hotchner went back to practice and Mrs. Strauss insisted on calling both of our parents to come and get us. To say that my mom was mad when she got there was a bit of an understatement. Her lips were pressed so tightly together they almost seemed to disappear. She had said very little as the situation had been explained to her, only nodding occasionally. I was turned over to her after Mrs. Strauss stressed just how thin of ice I was on, and that another toe out of line would result in much harsher consequences, namely detention and potential expulsion.

She said nothing as we walked out to her suburban. She drove me back to the field house and parked outside, waiting as I went inside to retrieve my things from the locker room. Once I was back in the car, she pulled out of the lot and began to drive down the street, not once looking over at me.

"Where are we going?" I finally asked, noticing that we were headed the opposite direction of our house.

"The supermarket. We need groceries for dinner." Her voice was strangely detached and emotionless.

I sat uncomfortably in the silence that followed, unsure of what to say. I had been fully prepared for her to lay into me the moment we were away from the watchful eyes of Mrs. Strauss, but this was somehow a thousand times worse.

As she pulled into the grocery store, I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Mom..."

"JJ what the hell is going on with you?" Her voice was still too even, as if it belonged to someone else, someone playing the role of my mother.

"I..." I had no idea what to say to her, how to explain myself.

"I just can't... You... C'mon. We need food. We'll talk about all of this when we get home." She got out of the car and I reluctantly followed her inside.

I trailed behind her as she strolled down the aisles. I couldn't help but study her. She had come from work, and was still dressed for it in black slacks and a light blue turtleneck. Her strides were quick and measured, her heels clicking on the peeling linoleum floors. Her dark, designer sunglasses were pushed on top of her head, holding her hair out of the way. Every now and then she would pass someone she knew and she would give them a nod and small smile before quickly moving on, eye scanning the shelves and taking what she needed. I found myself in awe of her. I knew that she was beyond upset with me but to look at her you would never know it. How did she do it? How was she able to so easily mask what she was really feeling and put up this unaffected facade for the outside world?

I didn't say anything as we checked out, instead chewing on my lip as she spoke politely to the cashier. As we stepped out of the store and began walking to the car, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Don't you at least want to know what happened?" I asked.

"I know what happened, JJ. You hit one of your classmates." She pushed the cart forward, not looking at me.

"But don't you at least want to hear my side of the story?!" Desperation created a hard edge to my voice.

"I don't know, JJ! I don't know because frankly right now I feel like I don't even know who you are. Lying? Drinking? Getting in fights? This is not the daughter I raised." she said in a low voice.

"That's not fair!" I shouted, coming to a stand still.

She whipped around to face me. "This is not the place to do this. Trust me, we are going to discuss this but you need to pull yourself together and get in the car."

I stayed right where I was, tears welling up in my eyes and spilling over before I had a chance to stop them. "You don't even care! You don't care about anything except how stuff looks! You spend all day at work making sure your houses are picture perfect so you can show them to people. It doesn't matter if they're actually okay, just what they look like! And once you married Mark, our old house wasn't good enough and we had to move somewhere bigger and better and prettier and I had to give up my room. Not just my room, but the room I shared with Ros, and it was like losing her all over again!" I took a giant, gasping breath. "And you want everyone to think that we're so perfect! You, you with your stupid, fancy, realtor clothes and your suburban, and always wanting me to be so smart, and responsible, and pretty. I can't do anything bad, I can't make mistakes, I can't make a scene in public. And I always have to be the best! I have to be the best player on the team, I always should be getting the best grades out of the class, or I'll let everybody down. But I'm not perfect! I'm not, and I'm sorry if that disappoints you, but I can't help it and I'm sorry!"

Sobs overcame my body and I stood in the chilly parking lot and let the tears wash over me. I hadn't even realized I felt half of those things until I had started, but they were all true. Her arms wrapped around me and she puled me tight to her chest. I buried my face in her sweater. She smoothed my hair down and rocked us side to side.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I gasped.

"No, Jayje… I'm sorry sweetie. I'm so sorry, I never meant to make you feel any of those things."

I stayed in her embrace until my tears finally slowed, then stopped. I pulled back and took a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you in a parking lot." I said, looking up into her eyes.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't tell me those things sooner." She wiped the last remains of tears from my cheeks and I hissed as she grazed the bruise from this weekend. She tilted my head back so she could look at the side of my face. "Jeez, Elle really clocked you honey. It's already begun to bruise."

I looked into her eyes, warm with concern, and swallowed the truth, instead just choosing to nod.

"C'mon, let's get this food home. You can help me make dinner and explain what happened."

I sat on the counter and watched as she stirred the pot of pasta on the stove. "Alright, are you ready to talk about it?"

I sighed.

"C'mon. Out with it."

"So… At the party Saturday night, I was talking with this guy. Will."

"Will… Will that we saw at the soccer game?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Him. We were talking at the party, and we, well he kissed me."

I saw her eyebrows shoot up but she tried her best to keep cool. "Oh. And… How was that?"

"It was… god, fine, that's not the point. Anyway, Elle kind of… I don't know she walked in and she… We've always had this thing, right? This weird, rivalry, I don't know what it is. But she always calls me like, Miss Goody Two Shoes, and a prude, and… I don't even know, a little girl basically."

"Alright."

"And so she saw me kiss Will and so today before practice she was saying all this stuff, implying that we had… well, y'know, but we didn't! But anyways she was saying all this stuff, and I was mad, Mom, I wanted to freaking kill her, but I didn't. I left. I went out to the field and kept a cool head. And then after we stretched we were all gathered around Coach Hotchner and she started up again, where he could hear her! And she was basically calling me, well a slut, and I couldn't take it anymore and I just lost it. And I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but I was just so mad."

"Well… I can understand that. And I mean, it sounds like Elle needed a good punch in the face, if I'm being completely honest. But you have got to be careful. You heard Mrs. Strauss, you're close to the edge."

"I know." I sighed.

"And while I understand what happened, you're still grounded." I groaned and leaned back against the cabinets, banging my head in the process. "I'm sorry, there's no way around it. You hit a girl. You could have broken her nose."

"I said I'm sorry!"I complained.

"I know but sorry doesn't change what happened. You can't go out for two weeks, no hanging out with Penelope, no pizza with the soccer girls, and no dates with Will."

"What? No Mom, we're not dating."

She simply raised her eyebrows. "Well, not for the next two weeks at least. Now hop off the counter and set the table, please."

The next day, Ms. Prentiss caught me after class. "Hey. I heard about what happened."

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Yeah."

"And you're benched for the next two games?"

"Yup. Today's game and next week's game."

"Ouch. How are you feeling?"

I shrugged. "I don't know it's just… It was dumb. I should have kept my head and I didn't and now I have to pay for it."

She nodded. "Well, you'll get through it. It'll pass faster than you think. I'm sure that doesn't help right now, but it will."

"Thanks, Ms. Prentiss." I said with a small smile.

"Have you started _The Crucible_ yet?"

"No… I've been a little busy."

"Ah yes. It's hard to fit in Arthur Miller amid soccer field brawls."

I rolled my eyes as I made my way to the door. "I'll probably start it tonight."

"Give it a chance. I think you'll really like it!"

"I will. I promise."


	19. Chapter 19

**(Chapter 19!**

 **Warning: There is discussion of violence at the end of the chapter.)**

I had known to some degree how difficult it was going to be benched for two games, but it turned out I had no idea. Even though I couldn't play, I was still required to get dressed and take the field. Elle and I sat decidedly on opposite sides of the home bench in our matching blue warm ups and watched in icy silence as the team began passing drills. Neither of us had said a word to the other since being hauled to the principal's office. I was no longer bothering to cover the mark on my cheek; Everyone had assumed it was from Elle and I didn't care to correct them. She on the other hand had went to great pains to try and hide the bruise that had blossomed across the bridge of her nose but with no luck.

Watching the game and knowing I wasn't allowed to play was a nightmare. The other forward, Megan, was a decent player but with no relief she quickly became tired and sloppy with her shots. Several times I found myself instinctively kicking out from my spot on the cold metal bench. And as much as I hated to admit it, Elle was a good player, one that we depended on. The team needed us on the field. In the end, we barely squeezed out a 2-1 victory over the team we had beaten soundly during the tournament.

I returned to the locker room with the rest of the team, and sat through Coach Hotchner's end of game recap. Finally, we broke from the huddle and I grabbed my bag, exiting the locker room.

"Hey there Rocky." Will happened to be just outside, leaning against the side of the field house.

"Man, I'll be glad when that gets old." I groaned with a smile.

"Good game, you were great."

"Thanks," I replied sarcastically. "I do it all for my fans."

"So... what the hell happened?"

I sighed. "With Elle?" He nodded. "She was... just starting things up like I told you she would. I was already in a bad mood and I just... I snapped. Super cute, right?"

He grinned. "I mean, I had been kidding when I said I thought you could kick my ass, but remind me not to get on your bad side."

"That's right LaMontagne, fear me."

"Do you wanna ride home? Or we could grab something to eat? I'm sure you're famished after leaving it all out in the field." he teased.

The butterflies I was slowly starting to become accustomed to stirred up inside of me, but before I could answer I saw my mom's car on the other side of the chain link fence.

I sighed. "As much as I would like that, I'm actually super grounded."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Turns out I'm not allowed to punch classmates in the face, no matter how much they deserve it. But... rain check?"

"Sure thing." We smiled at each other for a moment. "Would it be weird if I hugged you? Or are you grounded from hugs?"

I laughed. "I mean she didn't specify but I think that would probably be okay."

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck as he squeezed me gently around the middle.

As I pulled back he whispered, "I really want to kiss you right now. Are you grounded from kisses?"

I ducked my head a bit. "Unfortunately yeah probably." I sighed. "But... Maybe I'll take a rain check on that, too."

He smiled. "I'll hold you to that." I trudged out of the stadium and got into my mom's front seat.

"So that's Will."

"Yup."

We both watched as he left the stadium and crossed the street to get in his truck. "Well he is very cute."

"MOM."

"I'm just saying! He seems like a very nice, attractive young man."

I groaned. "Can we just go home, please? Pretty please? I can't take this."

She laughed as she flipped on her blinker to join the line of people leaving..

With the exception of having to refuse Will's invitation to dinner, being grounded really didn't change much about my day to day life. I woke up, went to school, went to practice, and came straight home to do homework. I tried to read The Crucible, but I couldn't force myself to pay attention. I hadn't read many plays before, and the weird formatting threw me off.

That weekend I was with my mom and Mark, and both days were spent helping out around the house. I wiped and scrubbed and polished nearly every surface in our house. Lindsey and Isaac were coming here for Thanksgiving, and my mom wanted to start on the prep super early. Travis and I wouldn't be here; this year we would be spending Thanksgiving with our dad, Christmas with our mom. We were still almost 4 weeks out from the holiday break, but I was already growing excited. I didn't see a lot of Travis now that he was off at school. We tried to keep in contact through texts and phone calls but we were so busy that often an entire month would pass without us talking.

That Tuesday, Halloween, we had an away game in East Monroe. The girls played hard but without Elle and I on the field, what would have been an even match became a 4-1 loss. The mood on the bus back home had been somber; Usually it was full of talking and laughing, releasing the stress that had built up in preparation for the game. But the loss against East Monroe meant we were just one loss away from being knocked out of the state championship. No one said as much, but it felt as if everyone had agreed that if we ended up losing the championship it was Elle and I's fault.

As I leaned my head against the cold glass window, I couldn't help the anxiety that began to settle in my stomach. For as long as I could remember, all I had ever wanted to do was play soccer. I wanted to play in youth leagues, I wanted to be the best on the middle school team, I wanted to be on varsity. When I looked ahead to the future, I had no plans outside of the sport. I wanted to go to college of course, and I had the grades needed to go to a good university. But the thought of picking a major or picking a career path, filled me with nothing but dread. I had no idea what I wanted from life. Everything I tried on felt wrong and false. Everything that is, except soccer. But if I screwed this up, if we didn't make the final round of the championship, the chances of being seen by a college scout were close to none. Sure, I was only a junior, but the goal was always to have scouts interested before senior year, that way they watched all of your final season. If that fell through then where would I be? What would I do?

After practice on Friday, Coach Hotchner asked me to hang back. After most of the girls had trickled back towards the field house, he kicked a nearby ball towards me.

"You okay?" he asked.

I passed the ball back. "Sure."

"Do you understand why I had to bench you?"

"Yeah." I replied, but my voice betrayed my frustration.

"JJ," he started, before pulling up short. "You're an amazing player. You've got a lot of natural talent, but what really sets you apart is your dedication. You practice and play harder than any other girl I've ever coached. You're serious about your sport to a degree that I wish I could pass on to the other girls. But it's also something that I'm worried about; You can't bottle everything up. You can't push everything down until it finally erupts. Sure, it can get you in trouble like it did last week, but more importantly it's not healthy." I kicked the ball back a little too hard and it went spinning off at an odd angle. He rested his hands on his hips. "Look, I'm sure between Mrs. Strauss and your parents, you're sick of talking about it. Sick of hearing about how you should have handled it. Which they're right. But I've also coached you for several years; I know you pretty well. I've never seen you have an outburst like that. Now, I don't know what's happening between you and Elle, and I really don't want to. But I don't think that's what's really bothering you."

He took a few steps toward me, but kept his eyes focused off in the distance, towards the school. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you. I know that this winter will be five years since you lost your sister, but I can't even imagine what that feels like. But you're not alone. I'm here if you ever need to talk."

He finally looked over at me and I gave him a small smile. "Thanks."

"Alright, hit the locker room." I began to jog that way before he called after me. "Oh and JJ?"

"Yeah, Coach?"

"I wouldn't be mad if you brought some of that rage to the game next week."

I laughed. "I'll see what I can do."

The next week of course would be the first round of play offs. It seemed like we should still have months to practice and prepare, but the time had come.. The coming month would affect the rest of my life, for better or for worse.

The locker room was mostly empty by the time I got there. I took my time taking off my shoes as the last of my teammates left. Once the door shut behind Tori, I approached one of the mirrors and lifted my practice top over my head. It had been thirteen days since the party, and the majority of all of my bruises and marks were gone, with the exception of a particularly deep mark on my collarbone. I couldn't help but sigh deeply as I let my eyes linger on it. It was my dad's weekend; I hadn't seen him since I had left that ugly Sunday morning. I had no idea what would be waiting for me when I got there.

Finally, I knew that I couldn't put it off any longer and finished getting dressed. The carpet burn had healed some, but still stung as I changed back into my jeans, the rough denim rubbing against it. I gathered my things and walked out to the bus stop.

When I got to his apartment, he was sitting on the sofa, watching a show on Food Network. My eyes flickered down to the carpet before I could stop them, but the stains I had seen Sunday morning were gone. Had I imagined them? Or had he spent the rest of the day on his hands and knees, scrubbing my blood and god knows what else out of the brown fibers?

"Are you hungry?"

I finally looked up at him. The scratch on his face must have been deeper than I thought; Almost two weeks later and I could still see livid pink marks on his cheek. "Not really."

"Here, come have a seat." He patted the sofa beside him.

I shook my head. "I have a lot of homework."

He sighed and muted the TV. "Jayje, we need to talk about what happened."

My entire body locked down and I couldn't move a muscle. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, when you throw a punch you have to put your weight behind it." His face broke out in a wide grin. My bewilderment must have shown on my face because he continued. "Elle? Your mom called me and told me what happened."

Everything finally clicked into place. "You two sure are talking a lot lately." My voice had an almost echoey quality to it, as if I were hearing it from across an empty parking garage.

"Well, we have to. We're your parents. Just because we're not married anymore doesn't mean we just stop having any sort of relationship. We have to stay in communication so that we can be the best parents possible to you. We have our differences of course, but when it comes to you, we're one hundred percent on the same page." He was so casual, so laid back and relaxed as he turned to gaze back at the TV, that for one bizarre moment I thought it was all in my head, that I had made everything up. But then he looked back at me, and I saw the marks where I tried to fight him off of me and my stomach twisted. It had really happened. There was no disputing it.

I don't know if his message was purposeful or not, but I received it loud and clear. _It's my word against yours. No one would ever believe you._ I took my bags to my room in a sort of daze. That night, when he came for me in the dark, I didn't try to fight back. I watched the red, digital numbers tick way and cried, first silently, then so violently that he held his hand over my mouth, pressing me harder into the mattress until I prayed it would swallow me whole.


	20. Chapter 20

**(Here is Chapter 20! I hope everyone is having a great day and getting enough sleep (God knows I'm not, lol) I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter!)**

That Tuesday dawned hard and fast. As soon as I opened my eyes, my heart began to pound and my stomach ached. November 7th. Game one of playoffs. I could barely eat the bowl of cereal I poured for myself.

"Do you have everything you need for tonight's game?" I nodded at my mom.

"All three of us will be there, in our usual spot. Have any plans for after the game since you're not grounded anymore?"

I knew what she was really asking, but ignored it. "I mean, if we win the girls will probably want to go out for pizza or something."

"Hmm. Nothing else? No one-on-one plans?"

I rolled my eyes. "Mom."

"I'm just asking!" She poured more coffee into her mug. "Well, let me know if anything changes. Because you are ungrounded now-"

"Mom, I've got it, I promise." She winked at me as she left the kitchen to finish getting dressed for work.

I had a hard time focusing in my classes. More than once during English Penelope had to give me a gentle nudge when I had spaced off. I still hadn't read The Crucible. It's not that I hadn't tried, I really did. After I finished my paper on gram to mole conversions for Chemistry on Saturday, I had spent the entire afternoon with my copy of the play open in front of me. I couldn't get past the first few pages without getting distracted. My mind would wander to the upcoming week of school, to Kate, to what I should eat for lunch, to Will, or worst of all, the events of the night before. Eventually I had given it up as a lost cause and tossed it back into my backpack.

By the time I got to sixth period Pre Cal, my entire body was antsy. I couldn't keep my legs from jittering up and down as I sat in my desk. I tried to listen to Mr. Cooper as he continued our unit on Linear Algebra, but I was hopeless. When the bell finally rang, releasing us into 7th period, I practically jumped from my seat and bolted to the field house.

My stomach was in knots. I couldn't remember ever feeling this anxious going into playoffs, but on the other hand I had never had so much riding on the outcome of a season. I donned my jersey and took my spot on the bench, waiting for someone to braid my hair. Once Megan finished on Tiffany, she began on mine.

"JJ, sit still! If you'll just hold on a second then I'll be done and you can get up and pace around like a maniac."

"Sorry, sorry." I sat back and slid my hands under my thighs in an attempt keep myself in place. She pulled my ponytail through a final time and tightened it, then gave my whole head a spritz of hair spray.

"Alright, you're done."

I jumped to my feet and went to the door of the locker room. We weren't necessarily allowed to leave before Coach Hotchner came and got us, so I just barely cracked the door and peeked out. I could see the crowds gathering in the stands, one side clad in bright blue and yellow, the other in red and black. I went back inside.

"Dude, you have got to find some chill. You're freaking everyone out." Peyton called from her locker.

I sighed. "I know, I'm sorry, it's just… I don't know, this year has seemed to fly past. I feel like we should still be in two-a-days, not starting playoffs."

"But we're going to be fine! Especially now that everyone's back on the field. You'll see. Just take a breath. It's gonna be okay."

I took a deep breath like Peyton suggested, but it did little to calm my nerves. There was a rap on the door.

"Girls? Everyone decent?"

"Just a second!" Once the last few girls had thrown on their jerseys, I pushed open the door and let him in.

Coach Hotchner seemed to be in the same state I was in, but did a better job of trying to mask it.

"Alright, gather around everybody." He looked around at each of us and took a deep breath. "Here we are. November. First game of playoffs. This is it." He looked down at his clipboard, as if he was trying to gather his thoughts. "I know last week was hard. We were down two players, we let it shake us, and we didn't play our best game. And that blame doesn't fall on any particular person, but on every single one of you. But that was last week. Tonight is a new game. It's a different team. So I need everyone take a second and close your eyes." I shut my eyes and forced myself to breathe.

"Think back to last week. About all of the feelings you had, all the regrets you still have. Now throw it away. It's done. Nothing can change it. The only thing you can do right now is resolve to play your best game. We've worked hard all year to get to this point, and you owe it to yourselves. Alright, you can open your eyes."

His words appeared to have the desired effect, as the entire atmosphere of the huddle seemed to take on a new energy.

"Now Prospect is here for a fight. Since we never matched up in the tournament, they are looking to come out and prove themselves. I know there's been bad blood in the past between us-"

"Yeah, I'll say. I still have that scar on my shin from freshman year." Olivia piped up.

Coach Hotchner gave her a smile. "-but I don't want you girls to let them pull you down to that level. You're better than that. Let's go out, play our best game, play a _clean_ game, and kick off playoffs like a team that's slated for the State Championship. Sound like a plan?"

We chorused our agreement and got our feet. "Blue Jays on three: one, two, three-"

"BLUE JAYS!"

The anxiety was still rolling through my body as we took the field. My mind seemed flighty and scattered. I couldn't find the focus that normally came so easily. This resulted in me making several bad passes, the last going completely out of bounds. When I came back from retrieving it, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to find Elle.

"You wanna pull yourself together?"

I felt the all too familiar rise of irritation and anger. On the sidelines I could see both Coach Hotchner and Bailey zero their focus in on us, poised as if to intervene at any moment. "I'm sorry?"

She let out a sharp exhale. "Look I don't know what's wrong with you today, but its making you play like garbage. We're all nervous. It's okay. We're not going to have another game like last week because you and me are back and sometimes it feels like we're the only two on this team who knows a soccer ball from their ass. So I'll say it again: Pull yourself together. We need you. Don't beat the shit out of yourself before Prospect has the chance."

She walked away, leaving me feeling completely confused but oddly calmer. If Elle and I could have a somewhat civil conversation, then really there was no telling what kind of miracles would happen on the field.

I made eye contact with Coach Hotchner and he nodded slightly, as if to ask if I was okay. I nodded and got back in formation, my nerves in check.

We had predicted an ugly game, and we weren't disappointed. Prospect had been low and mean from the first whistle, and warnings to avoid doing so, we couldn't help but retaliate in kind. There was kicking, tripping, charging, and in one circumstance a full on tackle of an opposing player. The refs were trying to call everything they saw, but after a while it seemed as if they gave up calling anything.

In the end though, we manage to pull a 3-1 win. As the last buzzer sounded, our team swamped into a mass in the middle of the field, our blood pounding with the euphoria of victory. We hugged each other and yelled. I felt as if the weight of the world had come off my shoulders. _We won._

Our celebrating didn't stop when we got to the locker room, and Chloe jumped up on one of our benches and began to hump the air as if she was at a concert. Coach Hotchner came in a few moments later and she jumped off the bench, cheeks red. I couldn't force myself to stop smiling; I had needed us to win so desperately and now that we had, it felt like all of my other problems were nonexistent. We had won. We were one step closer to the State Championship game.

After the recap, we changed back into our street clothes and flooded out of the field house. The first person I saw was my mom, and she pulled me into a fierce hug.

"I am so proud of you sweetheart!" She whispered in my ear before pulling back, a huge smile on her face. "Your dad couldn't make it, he got called in to a job at the last second, he wanted me to send his love. But you were wonderful!"

"Yeah once I finally got into it."

"Yeah… What exactly did Elle say to you down on the field? I thought for sure we were about to have an encore of Soccer Star Smack Down when she went over to you."

I nodded. "Just… What I need to hear, I guess."

"JJ! Pizza! You coming or what?" Peyton called from where the rest of our teammates had gathered. I started laughing and took a step towards her.

"See mom? I told you!"

My mom simply gave me an all knowing smile and Mark gently cleared his throat, inclining his head to something behind me. I turned around to find Will, hands shoved sheepishly into his pockets.

"Hey!" I said, my voice a little too loud.

"Hey, great game! For real this time."

"Thanks." We stood there for a second, acutely aware that my mom and stepdad were standing behind me.

"So, um I know that the soccer girls are probably going out, or maybe you wanna go out with your folks but-"

"I'd love that raincheck." I said in a rush.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Oh! Um, okay! Great!" His face broke out in a wide grin. "Cool then let's go."

I turned back to my parents and tried to keep everything very casual. "Alright then, I'm going… to go. Out to eat. So I'll be home later on tonight."

It seemed as though my mom was working very hard to keep herself in check. "Yeah! Okay."

I stood there awkwardly, embarrassed both by how excited I was and how weirdly excited my mom was for me. "Want us to take your duffle?" Mark finally asked.

"Yes! Yeah, that would be great." I handed it over then slowly took a few steps backwards. "So… I'm going to go."

"Alright have fun. Don't stay out too late." Mark gave a half wave.

"It's a school night!" My mom tagged on.

"Yeah, I've got it!" I called before Will and I turned to walk to his truck.

"I am so sorry," I apologized once we were out of hearing distance of my parents. "I don't know why they're being this weird, it's so embarrassing." I laughed burying my face in my hands.

Will opened the passenger side door of the truck and held it open for me. "No worries, I don't mind."

"Are you sure?" I slid into the seat, resting my backpack at my feet. "I really don't know if they will knock it off." He shut my door and went around to get in on his side.

"Its fine, JJ. I mean, out of all the obstacles to take a beautiful, smart, kick ass girl out for dinner, over-excited parents aren't too bad."

I flushed. "Alright, well then… Let's go."


	21. Chapter 21

**(Guys I have been on FIRE lately with the updates. This is probably because I literally have so many things that I should be doing like memorizing my Shakespearean monologue for Friday, but I honestly would just rather do this haha. Anyway, here's chapter 21! Just so you know, the soccer girls do get a little naughty at the end, it's a bit PG 13 haha. Let me know what you think!)**

Will and I decided to grab dinner at a diner across town called Sweet Home. The waitress sat us in one of their classic red vinyl booths and handed us menus, promising to return soon for our drink order.

"Have you eaten here before?" I asked.

"Only once," he answered. "My family doesn't eat out that often."

"You don't talk about your family much."

He shrugged. "I don't know, I guess there really isn't much to say. We're pretty average. Me, mom, dad, younger sister."

"How old?"

"She's an eighth grader; her name is Cassie."

"I always wanted a younger sister."

"You're the youngest?"

"Yeah." Everything felt so awkward all of a sudden. I had no idea what to say to him. What were people supposed to do on dates?

The waitress came back. "Hey guys what can I get you?"

"I'll have a coke please."

"Just water, thanks."

"Are you ready to order?"

"I know what I want, do you need a second?" I asked.

"Yeah sorry, I haven't even looked at the menu."

"Take your time. I'll be back in a jiff with your drinks."

"So what do you recommend?"

I flipped open my menu. "My brother always gets the Montana burger, he swears it's the best in the state. But I'm more of a chicken kind of girl, so I normally get the Doodlebird Sandwich."

"Well who am I to turn down the best burger in the state of Pennsylvania?" He closed his menu. "So. Those girls from Prospect were not messing around out there. Are they always like that?"

I let out a short laugh. "Always. We actually have this weird rivalry dating back like sixty years or something."

"Really? What happened?"

I sighed as I tried to remember the story. "Something happened with the boys' basketball team back in the 60s. It was the game before State, and we were tied in the last quarter. One of our guys fouled another guy. Like, elbow to the face, something super serious and the teams ended up getting into a fist fight with the clock still running. Fans went down on the court, ended up fighting as well, the police showed up, it was insane. The cops had to walk our team back to their bus and then give them an escort out of town."

"Holy shit! I mean, don't get me wrong, I love sports but that is crazy."

"Tell me about it. And here we are, six decades later, still hating each other. Not necessarily because of that incident, there's been like a hundred other incidents since then. When my mom went to school here she was a cheerleader, and she once had a Prospect fan throw a cup of hot chocolate on her after a football game."

"Are you telling me that what I watched today was a tame, friendly game?"

"It actually wasn't bad, yeah." I grinned. "It's usually worse."

The waitress slid my water in front of me, and I gratefully took a sip. We gave her our orders and she went back to the front.

"So… Correct me if I'm wrong, but I got the feeling from your mom that you don't go out on a lot of dates."

I once again buried my face in my hands. "Yeah, its… Yeah. I guess I really haven't before."

He raised his eyebrows. "Never? Are you kidding?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? Why what?" I laughed.

"Why haven't you been on a date before?"

"I don't know! No one… asked?"

He rolled his eyes. "I find that very hard to believe."

"It's the truth! You're the first boy to ever ask me out. Well. Actually, that's not true."

"I knew it."

"Sean Abernathy. First grade. He gave me a ring pop and asked me to marry him."

Will let out a heavy sigh. "Well how the hell am I ever supposed to top that?"

I clicked my tongue and shrugged. "Feel free to try, but as you can see it obviously made a huge impression on me."

I gave him a goofy grin and he grabbed my hand from where it rested on the table. I resisted my initial impulse to pull my hand back and instead intertwined our fingers. He bit his lip.

"I'm really glad I was able to finally take you out."

"Me too." I said softly.

At that moment our food arrived, and we both pulled back so she could slide our plates in front of us.

"Alright, are you ready to try what was rated Pennsylvania's best burger by a boy who didn't learn how to operate a washing machine until his second semester of college?"

Will placed a hand over his heart. "It would be an honor."

The rest of our date went really well, and after we got done eating, he asked if I wanted to go take a walk around a nearby park. It was already pretty dark, and I tucked my body close to his in an effort to ward off the November chill. We talked about a little of everything: school, sports, TV, his old life in New Orleans, plans for the upcoming holidays. Finally the cold became a little much and we went back to this truck. He kept ahold of my hand as he drove me home, his thumb drawing gentle circles on my palm. He pulled to a stop in front of my mom's house and we both gazed at the lit porch light for a moment.

He turned to face me. "I had a really nice time tonight."

"I did too, Will."

"I'm going to walk you to the door, but first there's something I've wanted to do all night." He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I found myself enraptured in his scent. He smelt like freshly done laundry and spearmint gum, with just the slightest hint of cologne. I felt like it was something I could lose myself in for the rest of my life. One of his hands massaged my bicep and the other found its way into my hair. I deepened our kiss, letting my tongue dance along his bottom lip until I was granted access. I ran my own fingers through his messy curls and felt him shiver, which made me giggle.

He pulled back slightly. "You drive me crazy." He murmured before kissing me again. I let the hand in his hair come to rest on the nape of his neck. He began to kiss along my jaw, before lightly nibbling on my earlobe. I couldn't help but sigh and press myself a little closer into him across the console. He began to place warm, open mouthed kisses down my neck and when he reached where my neck met my shoulder, gently bit down. _His body pressed me hard into the carpet. His mouth bit down on my neck and when I began to scream, he muffled my cries with a hand over my mouth._

I pulled back sharply.

"I'm sorry," he started immediately. "I didn't mean, I shouldn't, I'm sorry if that was too much, too soon."

I took a deep breath and surreptitiously pinched my leg as hard as I could to try and calm the onslaught of emotions I was feeling. "No," I said, quickly shaking my head, "I just, its fine, I… Its late and my parents are probably wondering where I am. I should go inside."

He nodded, still watching me cautiously. "Are you sure? Because really, I don't mean to rush you into anything."

I forced a smile. "Its fine, Will."

He gave me a grin. "Okay. I just don't want to get ahead of myself and mess this up, y'know?" He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Here, I'll grab your door."

I took another calming breath as he jumped out and bounded around to my side. He walked me up to the door and pressed one last kiss onto my cheek.

"Goodnight, JJ."

"Goodnight, Will."

I watched for a moment as he ran back to his truck, and waved as he pulled away. I took a moment to collect myself, wiping my mouth and smoothing my hair, then let myself inside.

"Jayje? That you?" Mark called from the living room.

I followed his voice and found him and my mom curled up on the couch watching a movie.

"I'm home."

"How was it?" she asked.

I shrugged. "It was good. Grabbed some food, went for a walk."

"He paid?"

I rolled my eyes at Mark. "He paid, he opened doors for me, the whole thing was very gentlemanly."

"Well that's good."

My mom couldn't contain herself any longer. "Do you think you'll see him again? He seems so nice and-"

"Sandy." Mark interrupted.

"I know, I know, I just like him, I can't explain it. I feel like as far as boys go, he's a good one."

"I don't know, Mom. I'm not really thinking too far ahead with that. I have enough going on as is."

"That's the way to look at it!" said Mark.

"I'm going to head to bed."

"Goodnight!" they answered.

As I washed my face and brushed my teeth, a text came in from Will.

' **Had a great time tonight. Hope I didn't screw things up too much lmao. Sweet dreams x'**

I smiled and typed out a quick reply.

' **You're fine! I promise. Night'**

I really did have a great time with him. Once we got over the initial awkwardness, conversation had been smooth and effortless. The walk around the park had been something out of a movie, and when he kissed me in the truck… Well, for the most part that was amazing too. Up until when he had bitten my neck I had been totally into it. I was fine. But then, like someone had flipped a switch, I wasn't. As I got into bed and pulled the blankets around my shoulders, I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever be normal. If there would ever come a day when my dad wasn't in the back of my mind, waiting to destroy whatever small piece of happiness I had managed to find.

That Saturday I boarded the bus to Oak Hills with a renewed sense of confidence. The game against Prospect had helped me pull myself together, and I once again had confidence in my skill and in our team. In the locker room, we put on loud music to get us pumped up as we dressed in our royal blue visitors jerseys. My body felt strong and capable, and I was able to let go and joke along with my teammates as we got ready.

Oak Hills had tried to put up a good fight, but in the end they hadn't been a match for us. Our offense had been on fire, and our defense was listening to each other in a way that we never had before. We topped them in a 6-0 shutout, with three goals coming at my hand. It was with light hearts that we reboarded the bus home. Our win meant that we had qualified for the semifinals, and were one step closer to taking home the State Championship.

Instead of my usual spot towards the front of the bus, I went to the back where the rest of the team was celebrating our win by swapping stories. I took a seat next to Olivia and allowed myself to just relax and laugh, even adding in some stories of my own.

The subject turned, as it somehow always did, to sex. Who had done it, who had not, who was apparently very good at it. Specifically, the girls began talking about blowjobs.

"I like it. And not in that like a, 'this is my duty as a girlfriend' type of way. I don't know. It makes me feel closer to Nick." Tiffany explained. "And it… it kind of makes me feel powerful, does that make sense?"

"I guess. I mean, you could totally bite off his junk if he steps out of line." Tory reasoned.

"What?!" We all burst out laughing. "That's not what I meant at all, you psychopath!"

"Well, that would make me feel powerful!"

"No I get what you mean, Tiff," Elle said from across the bus aisle. "You make him feel really great and it's just like, I am woman, hear me roar! I feel like most world wars could have been avoided through the strategic use of blowjobs." We all howled with laughter again.

"Okay but like… How do you know if it's good?" asked one of the sophomore girls. "Like really good and he's not just saying it is."

"Okay so I learned how from my older sister, and she learned from our cousin Mandy, and she learned from her best friend who's super gay." Liv pulled her long brown hair back into a ponytail. "See gay guys are the best people to ask because they're on both ends of the equation." I was torn between being completely mortified and uncomfortable and being honestly interested.

"So the trick is all in the number. Most girls think it's just like pull down his pants and go, but it doesn't work like that."

"You're making this sound like a science." remarked Chloe.

"Listen and then judge! Okay it's like you do one," she nodded her head slightly to signify the motion. "Two," she demonstrated, "all the way up till five in a row, and then you drop back down to one, work your way back to five, but then the next time you drop back down to two and work your way back up. It's called the five star bj."

"Okay but what do you do in between? Like I get one, one-two, one-two-three, but what about the pause?"

"I don't know you just like… hang out. Check your Instagram."

"Don't tell her that, she'll think you're serious." Elle chided Liv.

"But what do you do with your hands?" asked Tori.

"Bop it," I said, purposefully keeping a straight face.

"Pull it," continued Peyton.

"Twist it!" We both shouted before lapsing into giggles.

"Yeah, none of you should be allowed near a penis, like ever." Elle said while rolling her eyes, but she was laughing as well.

The wind howled outside the bus, but we were warm and happy, and for just a few hours everything was okay.


	22. Chapter 22

**(Hoorayyyyyyy Chapter 22! Leve me a review!)**

I finally forced myself to read The Crucible on the Sunday following the Oak Hills game. Once I made myself get past the archaic language and the weird formatting, I was actually enthralled by the story line. When we had learned about the Salem witch trials in American History, it had seemed so far removed, much like the Revolution or the Louisiana Purchase. But reading it from the perspective of someone caught in the middle of it was completely different.

That Monday we had an in class discussion of our opinions on the play. For the most part, the class seemed unanimous in it's hatred of Abigail Williams.

"She's just so manipulative, y'know?" said Penelope. "She ruins people's lives for no reason.

"Yeah, she's a crazy bitch." crowed Ethan from the front row.

"Alright, language, not necessary, but let's stick to that thought." Ms. Prentiss shifted on her stool. "Why do you think Abigail would make these accusations?"

"Well… Women had like, no power then, right? They just got married and had babies and tried not to die." answered Allison. "But by saying that she was holy, and that these people were witches that were attacking her, it gave her a voice."

"Plus everyone felt sorry that she was getting stabbed with needles and stuff. She was playing off the symphony."

"See! Crazy! Chicks love to make stuff up so people feel bad for them."

"Ethan, you're only seeing this from the male gaze, you need to try to see it through other perspectives, particularly ones not so ingrained in misogyny."

He leaned back in his chair. "Ms. Prentiss, I don't even know what you just said."

The bell rang, and we all began to gather our things. "Alright guys, good work today! Don't forget, looking ahead at the coming weeks: On Wednesday, everyone needs to bring in at least five articles about the McCarthy Trails. None of the articles can be the Wikipedia page! We'll spend the rest of the week concentrating on how McCarthyism inspired Arthur Miller to write The Crucible, and how it relates to the political happenings of today. Next week we only have class Monday and Tuesday due to Thanksgiving break. When we return back from the holiday, everyone needs to have an essay topic in mind for the final paper of the semester. I repeat, I will not be giving you topics. This paper counts for 25% of your grade guys, don't mess around with it! The rough draft will be due the first Friday after Thanksgiving, December 1st. Alright, sorry to keep you over, head to your next classes."

"Do you have a topic yet?" I asked Pen as we exited the classroom.

"Not yet. I really liked the play though! I think Abigail is such a juicy character, I would love to play her someday."

"You should talk to the theatre teacher. Convince him to do The Crucible and then you can play Abigail."

She scoffed. "Puh-lease. There's no way I would be cast as Abigail. Fat girls don't get to play romantic leads. I would probably be Rebecca Nurse, and that's if I wasn't just a townperson."

"Hey," I said, pulling up short. "I don't think you're fat. You're really pretty."

She arched an eyebrow at me. "Well thanks Jayje, but just because I'm one doesn't mean I can't be the other. Make no mistake, I know I'm rocking it. But I also know that most directors would automatically type me out of the good roles because I'm not a size two."

I furrowed my brow. "I don't think-"

She sighed before cutting me off. "Look, I know your heart is in the right place, but you don't understand. You're what, 5' 6," 110 pounds? You don't know what it's like to be plus sized. It can really suck."

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

She waved her hand, cutting me off. "It's fine. I know you didn't mean anything by it. Just trust me on this one, alright?"

I started to reply but the warning bell rang. "Shit. Anywho, text me tonight, okay? I need help brainstorming essay topics!" And with that we split ways, ducking and weaving between students to try to get to class on time.

The next day, we had the semi-finals game in Harrisburg. The game started at 5:30 and we were almost four and a half hours away, so we were dismissed before lunch and herded onto the bus with Styrofoam to go containers from the cafeteria. My body had been almost too antsy to eat, but forced myself to choke down the sloppy joe and baked beans.

We arrived at the middle school that was hosting the game just after four, and we anxiously filed out of the bus and across the parking lot to door marked as our locker room. We had drawn the visitor's position, so we all dressed in our blue jerseys. Once everyone's hair was braided and cleats were tied, Coach Hotchner came in and gave the usual pep talk. Then we hurried out on to the field to get warmed up. The temperature had fallen into the mid 40s. It wasn't too terribly cold, just chilly enough that we needed to make sure that our muscles were nice and limber before starting the match. We were playing a team we had never matched off with before from Brockway. I couldn't help but try to size them up as they warmed up on the opposite side of the field in their white and kelly green uniforms. But in the end, I decided to put them out of my mind, and instead focus on our game.

As it turned out, we were pretty evenly matched. Their offense was quick and their defense did a good job of keeping us away from our goal. In the end however, it wasn't good enough, and we pulled out a 3-2 victory. My heart surged with joy as the final buzzer rang out across the stadium. We had done it! We were headed for the state tournament. The following Saturday we would be taking the field in Hershey to prove that we were best Class A women's team in the state of Pennsylvania.

We were met by our parents and friends as we headed back to the field house. My mom, dad, and Mark all hugged me tightly.

"You were amazing tonight! I can't believe it! You're headed to state!" my mom exclaimed.

"I know! It doesn't feel real." I laughed.

"You kicked some serious tush out there tonight." said Mark. "Brockway? More like Rocked Away!"

I rolled my eyes at his dumb joke. "Thanks."

"Do you have any of the details for the championship game?" my dad asked.

Just then Coach Hotchner called over the gathered crowd from where he was talking to a few men I didn't recognize. "Girls! Locker room!"

Turning back, I said, "Yeah. It's Saturday in Hershey, Mom has the details."

"I'll text it to you, Ron." She pulled me in for another hug. "I am so proud of you."

I pulled back a little choked up. "Thanks, Mom. Here, I have to go, I'll see you at home." It had been decided that even though it was supposed to be my dad's weekend, since he would have Travis and I for Thanksgiving this weekend I would be with my mom.

Back in the locker room, we hugged each other fiercely, unable to believe that we had really done it. Coach Hotchner came in, a wide smile on his face.

"Great job ladies! That's how it's done! Now, I don't want to waste our time rehashing tonight's match; we have a long drive ahead of us and we need to get on the road if we want to be home before one in the morning."

"What about food?" Chloe asked.

"Pizza, it's already on the bus, we'll hand it out as soon as we're on the road, so hurry and get changed." He looked around the group before finding me with his eyes. "JJ, I need you outside for just a minute."

I nodded and followed him, confused. Was I in trouble?

Outside, I saw the men he had been speaking with. "JJ this is Lukas Peterson and Luke Costanzo. They're from the University of Pittsburgh Athletics Department."

"Hi, it's… nice to meet you." I said, a little taken aback as I shook their hands.

"Hey Jennifer, great game tonight." the shorter one, Rich said.

"Thanks. They're a good team, but we played hard."

"I'll say. You're really very impressive to watch on the field." said the other man, Lukas. "We're Assistant Coaches with the men's team. Our girls team is playing Miami, so they couldn't come but we were in the area so we decided to swing by."

"Oh." I said simply, a little starstruck.

"I have to say, we've been following you for a while, and you are quite the athlete. Have you put much thought into what you want to do after graduation?" asked Rich.

"I… Well, I want to play soccer. Collegiality, I mean."

Both men smiled at me. "That's great to hear," said Lukas. "We won't keep you, we know you have a pretty long trip ahead of you, but we just wanted to touch base with you, start forming a relationship and see what happens. The girls team will be back tomorrow, and I know that some of the coaches are going to be at the State meet on Saturday. We can't wait to see what you do against Greensberg. Best of luck."

I shook their hands again, still in a state of shock. "Yes! Thank you! I… I guess I'll see you Saturday. Or, your coworkers I guess." They shook hands with Coach Hotchner and turned to walk toward the stadium entrance.

Once they were out of earshot I turned to him, eyes wide. "Did what I think just happen… Really just happen?" He gave me another wide grin.

"I think it did, kid. I think you just caught the eye of the Pittsburgh Panthers."

"Oh my… My… Holy shit, I have to call my mom!"

He swatted me lightly on the arm with his clipboard. "Language, JJ. Go in and get finished changing. You can call her from the bus." I turned to do as directed before he stopped me. "Oh and JJ? I'm really proud of you. You've earned this."

The bus ride home seemed to pass by in a complete fog. I called my mom as soon as the pizza was passed out. She screamed out loud and put me on speaker phone so that I could repeat the news for Mark and my dad, who were also in the car. After getting off the phone from her I had texted Penelope and Kate, both of whom had replied with all caps and a million emojis. Finally I messaged Will. He had called me 'the most badass soccer player in the entire world' and vowed to take me out to celebrate when I was back in town. I stared out at the darkening skies and let myself embrace the thrill that had taken up residence deep in my chest. We had made the State Championship. I had attracted the attention of a college sports team. No matter what awful things were happening in my life, some things had managed to stay completely wonderful.

Since the game was set for Saturday morning, our team had bussed to Hershey the night before and stayed in a hotel. Unlike the tournament, which had been low key and full of a fun energy, this time all of the girls were focused. We were so close to what we had worked our butts off for, and we weren't in the mood to mess around. As we took the field, I felt my stomach throb with anticipation as I took in the crowd. This is something I had been thinking about since the last game of our sophomore year. There were days when it seemed it would never get here, days when it seemed impossible, but now, as sure as the AstroTurf I was standing on, I was playing in the State Championship game.

I couldn't help but let my gaze fall upon the crowd gathered in the bleachers. There were twice as many as a normal game; it seemed as if every single soccer fan in the state of Pennsylvania had taken a spot in the stands. After several minutes of searching, I found my parents about six rows up from the field. Across the aisle and a few rows further back I saw Penelope and her parents as well. Will was sitting a further down on the same row along with what must be his parents and younger sister. I didn't know he was going to come; he hadn't mentioned it when we went out for Chinese Thursday night. But the big surprise was that he had come with his parents, implying that his parents knew about our budding relationship and were interested. I quickly averted my eyes, but before I could return my gaze to the field I saw two women and a man standing at the front of the stands, looking up to find a seat. I don't know what pulled my eye to them, but when he turned to look at the field I was able to clearly see the Pittsburgh Panthers logo on his jacket. These must be the coaches from the women's team I had been told about. I turned my back on the crowd. I'm not sure which made me more nervous, the scouting coaches or Will's parents, but either way my stomach was filled with apprehension for the game ahead.

Thankfully, the nervous energy seemed to completely seep away the moment the opening whistle blew. I was able to shut out everything else, and live in the moment, playing the game that had served as my constant opinion for the past twelve years. I let my mind find that magical place between worry and concentration, and trusted my body to keep up.

Unfortunately, it would not be enough.

We fought valiantly. I could honestly say that I had never seen myself or my teammates play with more heart or determination, but as the final buzzer rang out across the stadium, the scoreboard reflected our 3-2 loss. The Greensberg crowd screamed as their girls mobbed each in the middle of the field. They were crying and screaming and laughing, slowly coming to terms with the fact that they had won the State Championship.

Our team made it's way to the bench, almost as if on autopilot. Coach Hotchner rested a gentle hand on Peyton's shoulder as he gazed at us. "You played well girls. No matter what the score board reflects, you played hard today. You played your best game, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of every single one of you. Let's hit the locker rooms."

We trudged inside and changed. The mood was somber. Some girls, particularly the seniors who had just played their last high school soccer game, couldn't help but cry as it sank in that the championship had slipped through our fingers.

As we exited the locker room, the people gathered outside began to clap and cheer. I knew they were proud of us, and that all in all, this had not been a catastrophe, but I still wished they wouldn't. Penelope and her family were the first to reach me. She gave me a bone breaking hug, and gushed that I had played well, no matter what had happened. Her parents did the same, and then they excused themselves to find their way back to the parking lot.

Will appeared at my elbow. "Hey Jayje."

I found it hard to speak around the hard lump of disappointment in my throat. "Hey."

"You played really well today. Seriously," he said, pulling me into a tight hug, my face pressing against his jacket.

"Thanks."

"So… I had originally been thinking that I would introduce you to my parents tonight but… I feel like maybe we should wait for another time."

I nodded, not trusting my voice. I pulled back and looked up at him. He rested his hand on my cheek.

"I'll let you go, I'm sure your parents… But good game. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you."

He pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek, and then retreated back into the crowd. I took a deep breath, smiling weakly at the parents of my classmates who walked by, pausing to pat me on the shoulder and tell me good game.

Finally, I saw my mom. She opened her arms without a word and I hugged her as hard as I could, fighting to keep my emotions in check. She smoothed my hair and rocked us slightly side to side in the cold November sun. When I finally pulled back, she took my head in her hands and forced me to look in her eyes.

"I can't believe we lost…" I whispered.

"I know," she replied. "I know sweetie, I can't believe it either. But it's gonna be okay. Not today, but… It will be."

I nodded and she gave me a watery smile before releasing my face.

My dad was next. He gave me a hug and his aftershave filed my nose. "Those refs were not calling everything. They should have-"

"It's fine, Dad." I cut him off. "It's fine."

I pulled back and took several deep breaths. "I'm fine." I turned back to my mom. "Really, I'm okay."

"We're really proud of you, Jen." Mark said.

I nodded. "Thanks, I… I'm alright. I'm going to head back in and gather my things. I'll see you at home, okay?"

Since it was still fairly early in the afternoon, they took us to an actual restaurant for lunch. We were quiet and pensive. The poor waitress tried desperately to be upbeat and cheerful, but eventually she gave up, and let us stew in our misery.

Coach Hotchner came to stand beside me as we began to file back into the bus..

"You okay?" He asked quietly. I nodded tightly. "You sure?"

I looked up at him. "The scouts didn't come and find me. I guess that dream is done." I said with a sarcastic smile.

He furrowed his brow. "I wouldn't say that."

"Coach. We lost. I finally had collegiate coaches looking at me, interested in me, and we lost. It over."

"JJ, teams lose. High school teams, college teams... it's just a harsh reality. But just because we didn't win doesn't mean that you lost. If anything, I would say this was one of your best games." I kept my eyes averted. "I just... Don't assume the worst. Give it some time. And don't forget, you're only a junior. You have an entire season to prove yourself to them. Don't give up." I still couldn't quite bring myself to look at him, so instead I simply nodded, then boarded the bus.

Back in my seat, I burrowed down with my pillow, intending to sleep most of the ride home even though it was only early afternoon.

I had shut my eyes for only a few moments when my phone began to vibrate under my leg. I pulled it out with a frown before seeing Travis's picture on the screen. Assuming my mom has called him to help him what had happened, I sighed and answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jayje. What's up?"

I pulled myself up so that I was sitting. "Not much, I'm on the bus."

"You still don't have your license?"

"No. But that's not the bus I'm on, I'm headed home from Hershey."

He paused then exclaimed, "Oh my god! The championship! Oh god, sorry Jayje I had completely forgotten. How was it? How'd it go?"

"We lost."

The line was dead for a moment. "Oh shit. I'm so sorry, JJ. How... How are you?"

I cleared my throat. "It's... It's whatever. I mean we played our best. It's fine. I'll be okay."

He let out a sigh. "Well... Not to call and dump bad news on top of bad news, but..."

"What? What's wrong?"

"I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving." My blood froze in my veins.

"You... What? Why not? This is our year for Thanksgiving with Dad!" My words came out with a tint of hysteria.

"Well it's actually good news! I've been seeing this girl, her name is Grace, and anyways her dad is from Barcelona originally. And she and her sister were going to visit that side of her family during the break but her sister can't go, so she offered me the ticket. It's going to be so great, I'll get to practice my Spanish with native speakers, we're gonna visit all of these amazing old cathedrals..." he continued on about how much fun he was going to have in Spain, and I fought to keep breathing.

Travis wasn't coming home for Thanksgiving.

I was going to be alone with my dad for five full days.

"JJ? You there?"

"So you're not coming home at all?"

"No. Sorry kid. But hey, I'll see you at Christmas! And look on the bright side! If I'm not there, you won't have to sleep on the trundle. You can keep the real bed!"

"Yeah..."

"I'm sorry. I was really looking forward to seeing you."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Alright, I'm gonna let you go. I'm really sorry about the championship, I'm sure you were brilliant."

"Thanks."

"Alright. I love you kid."

"I love you too, Trav. I'll talk to you later." I hung up and turned to look out the window. I didn't really take in the countryside as it whipped by.

Finally, everything from the day finally hit me, and the tears began to fall.


	23. Chapter 23

**(Hey everybody! Two chapters in one night! Yay!**

 **Super serious note.**

 **1-This chapter is changing the rating on this story to M.**

 **2-The end of this chapter is very dark. If you have read this far in the story, you already know why. But just please be careful.)**

By Monday, I had found a little perspective. In the moment, it had seemed like the loss of the championship meant the loss of all of my plans. However, a good night's sleep and a day at home watching old black and white movies with my mom had made me feel a little better. After all, it was like Coach Hotchner had told me after the match; I still had my senior season to impress potential colleges. All hope was not lost.

We had woken up to a light dusting of snow falling from the sky. Every time one of the outside doors were opened, a cold gust of air would rip down the hallways, rattling the papers and posters taped to the walls.

The loss of Saturday's game meant that we no longer had daily after school practices. Instead, our athletics period had been spent inside the too hot gym, running laps and doing conditioning drills. We were released with the end of day bell. I changed out of my sweaty clothes, back into my jeans and sweater, and made my way back to Ms. Prentiss's room.

I had been thinking about it, and really I had nothing to lose from trying out the debate team. If she was right, and it was something I enjoyed and excelled at, it would be another tool to try and get into college. If not, I could say that I tried, and simply throw myself back into soccer training in preparation for the next season.

I put my stuff down at an empty desk, and joined the group of students that were gathered around Ms. Prentiss's desk.

"Hey JJ. We were just discussing the current LD topic. The official practice topic for November and December is discussing whether or not wealthy nations have an obligation to assist developing or third world countries."

I felt a little out of my element; these kids, most of whom I had seen in the hallways or had in class but didn't really know, seemed to know far more than I did. However, once we really got into it, I found myself growing more comfortable. Before I knew it, the hour was up and Ms. Prentiss was releasing us.

"Nice work everyone. We'll pick up with this tomorrow, same time." She approached me as I began gathering my things. "What'd you think? I know it can be a lot, especially when you're being thrown into the midst."

I smiled as I zipped up my coat. "No, I liked it. It was super interesting."

She smiled back. "Good! That's great to hear. So we'll see you tomorrow?"

I nodded as my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. "Sure thing."

I checked my messages as I left the classroom.

' **Hey. Wanna help me babysit? Parents had to go to a city council meeting, and I'm making food for me and Cass'**

I grinned.

' **Sure thing. Lemme text my mom and let her know. Text me your address and I'll take the bus.** **'**

' **No way! You're not taking the bus in the snow. I'll come and pick you up. I'll be in front of the school in five.** **'**

I slowly made my way to the front doors, then walked down the front walkway while letting my mom know I wouldn't be home until later. Even though it was no longer snowing, the wind kicked up what already fallen in little flurries as I waited.. Soon, Will's beaten up black pick up truck came down the road. He pulled to a stop and I hurried to get in.

"Hey there, Crazy."

I laughed at the nickname. "That's romantic."

He shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. "I try my best." He leaned over and gave me a kiss before shifting the truck back into drive.

"So why are your parents at the City Council meeting?"

"I don't really know to be honest. My mom just texted me during last period and said that they wouldn't be home until late and it was my job to watch Cass."

"Didn't you say she was an eighth grader?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I don't know, they're protective over her."

He pulled up to a red brick home and parked on the street. He took my hand as we walked up the driveway, before entering through the front door. Inside was warm and pleasantly decorated. I could hear a TV on somewhere in the house.

"Cass! I'm back!" he yelled as he helped me remove my coat.

She came running into the entryway, her fuzzy socks sliding on the hardwood floors. She had Will's same dark, softly curly hair as well as his soft green eyes. "Hey."

"Hey." I replied.

"We were at your soccer game this weekend."

"Yeah! I saw you guys."

"Sucks that you lost."

"Cass." Will said, giving her a look.

I laughed. "No, it's fine. She's right, it sucked."

I followed Will into the kitchen and had a seat at the bar. "So what are we having for dinner?"

"Uhh... I'm not sure yet. I was going to make hot dogs, but apparently that wasn't up to her highness' standards."

"That's not a real meal! You weren't going to serve anything with it. And plus, you were just going to put hot dogs on bread, that's not even a good hot dog."

I laughed and he shot me an incredulous look. "Don't encourage her!"

"Well she's not wrong!" I joined him in looking at the open pantry, and then opened the fridge. "Well you have bacon... and eggs. What about breakfast for dinner?"

I glanced over my shoulder to see both of their eyes light up.

"Yessss." She drawled out.

"Alright," Will agreed, "breakfast it is."

Thirty minutes later, we were all in front of the TV with our plates. Will had opened up Netflix and we were watching an old episode of The Office "Wow these eggs are so good," I remarked. "How do you get them so flavorful?"

"It's all in the butter." He replied cheekily.

"Butter," I repeated, poking fun at his southern accent.

Cass's phone vibrated and she snatched it up. "Will, Laney wants to know if I can come over and work on our science homework together. Her mom can pick me up, you won't even have to drive me. Please?" She hit him with one of best sets of puppy dog eyes I had ever seen.

"Well... I guess. I mean, I fed you and god knows I'm shit at science. Yeah you can go." He looked up at the clock. "It's five now, you need to be back by eight. Earlier if they get sick of you."

She stuck out her tongue at him. "No one ever gets sick of me. I'm a delight." She began bundling up into her coat.

"I'm serious though. Call me when you need to come home and I'll come get you. Don't make her mom tote you around."

There was a honk from outside. "Alright, alright, I've got it. Bye JJ!"

"Bye!" I answered.

He turned to me as the door shut behind her. "Can you believe her? She met you for the first time today and you got a goodbye but I didn't."

"Well," I began with a cheeky grin. "You're not special. She can see you anytime."

"I'm not special? Now that's just plain rude!" He grabbed me by the waist and began to tickle me. I squealed with laughter and tried to get away. He pulled me closer.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry!"

He relented, and gave me a moment to catch my breath as I laid on the couch. He gave me a lazy grin as leaned over me, then brushed my hair from my face. I leaned forward and captured his lips in a kiss. His lips were soft, and he smelled so nice. He shifted so that instead of sitting and bending awkwardly over me, he was laying on top of me. The kiss deepened further, until I dizzily had to pull back and catch my breath again. He continued kissing my jaw and neck. The further down he got the tenser I became. He must have picked up on it because he made his way back up my neck and resumed kissing me on the lips. One of his legs naturally fell between mine and our bodies pressed closely together. I clutched his shoulders as his hand softly kneaded my hip.

Our tongues fought for dominance and the hand in my hip slowly began to run up slightly higher. He stopped when he got to underside of my bra and then caressed back down. My hand went to his chest, and I could feel his heart pounding beneath my fingers. When his hand got to the bottom of my sweater, he let his hand venture just underneath it.

"This okay?" He murmured, skimming his nose along my cheekbone. I nodded. His hand slowly began to inch it's way over the soft skin of my stomach. My breath hitched slightly, and I forced my eyes open. Will pressed hot, open mouthed kisses on my pulse point and I looked frantically about his living room, trying to keep myself grounded. His hand came to rest on top of my bra and I took the deepest breath I could manage. He gently began to squeeze and massage me and my legs tightened around the knee that was resting between them. This made Will instinctively buck his hips into me, which made me gasp out loud.

"You like that?" He asked, his voice low.

I nodded slightly. Because in all honesty I did, it felt so incredibly nice. Our lips met again and we kissed fiercely.

After a few minutes of kissing he pulled back again. "Hold on a second, I'm dying," he laughed. He sat up and pulled his sweater over his head, revealing the toned torso I hadn't seen since we first met at the pool. He played with the bottom of my sweater. "Do you want to take yours off? You don't have to, I just meant if you were warm."

I took a deep breath and steeled myself, before nodding. _This is fine. This is normal. This is what normal girls do. Be normal._ I also sat up and allowed him to pull my sweater over my head. His eyes flickered down to my bra. "You… You're so beautiful." he said, dropping back down to look in my eyes.

We resumed our earlier kiss and his hands came to my chest. After a while, he moved so that he was kissing my neck, making his way downwards. As he placed, kisses along my chest bone, his hand rested between my legs, cupping me softly... My breath caught hard in my chest and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Wait!" I cried out, bringing my hands to his chest.

He immediately stopped what he was doing and pulled back. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

I blinked several times as I gathered myself back together. "Yeah… I'm fine. Sorry, I just…" I forced a laugh. "Don't know. Sorry, I don't mean to be so weird."

He brushed my hair back. "Don't apologize! It's fine. We can go back to kissing if you want. Or we can just sit and watch TV, that's fine too." he reassured me.

Looking into his eyes, I felt bad for this hot and cold game I was subjecting him to. It wasn't that it didn't feel nice, it wasn't that I didn't feel that pull in my stomach when he touched me. It was that when I closed my eyes, it wasn't Will. It was someone else's hands on my body, and it made me want to scream. I felt like a piece of trash, completely broken and used up. I felt weak for allowing my dad to bleed out of the night into the rest of my life. In that moment, I resolved that I wouldn't let him steal this.

"Wait," I said. I pushed Will back so that he was sitting on the couch, then knelt in front of him. I put my hand around his neck and pulled him forward into a kiss. Then, I slowly began to undo his belt buckle. I felt dizzy with all of the emotions charging through my body, so much so that my hands were shaky. But when I finally pulled him from his pants, he made a choked sound, and I figured I must be doing something right.

"JJ… Jayje are you sure?" He panted.

I forced a smile onto my face. "Of course." I took another deep breath and thought back over what Liv had said on the bus before bending forward and taking him in my mouth.

I became acutely aware of The Office still playing on the TV behind me. Dwight was yelling at Jim about breaking rules. It was the only sound through out the entire house beside the soft groans that were leaving Will's mouth.

I remembered what Elle and Tiffany had said, about the act making them feel powerful. I didn't feel that way at all. If anything I felt lonely, perhaps the loneliest I had ever felt. I didn't want to keep doing it, but at the same time I couldn't stop. I felt like it wouldn't be fair to Will; why should he have to suffer just because I was so fucked up? And there was also a part of me that was afraid to stop, because I didn't know what he would do. He had never been aggressive towards me in anyway, but that didn't mean anything. It's the ones who you don't suspect who are the most dangerous of all.

Suddenly his breathing changed and his hands gripped my hair. His hips rocked forward and my mouth became filled with a disgusting taste. I couldn't help but gag a bit. I pulled back and sat beside him on the couch. He lay back, catching his breath. Then he readjusted his pants and took my hand.

"That… Wow. That was incredible." He kissed my cheek.

I picked up my phone from the coffee table. "I should probably go," I said.

"Alright, I'll give you a ride. That way I can swing by and pick up Cass."

We didn't really talk on the way to my house. When we arrived, he once again came around and opened my door then walked me up the driveway. He wrapped me in his arms and I let my cheek rest on his chest.

"I'm glad we got to hang out, Jayje. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I nodded and he kissed me.

"Bye Will."

I let myself inside the warm house and went upstairs to my room. I flopped down onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I tried to control my breathing but it felt like a cavern was breaking open inside my chest. I couldn't stop the huge sobs once they started, so instead I tried to keep them as quiet as possible. I cried until the pain in my stomach and chest finally started to lessen then I went and took a searing hot shower.

When I came downstairs, my mom was in the kitchen. "Hey sweetie, do you want to help me- oh!"

I had basically thrown myself at her, wrapping my arms tightly around her middle.

"Is everything alright?" she asked in a very concerned tone.

I nodded as I pulled back and plastered a smile on my face. "I'm fine. Do you need help preparing for Thursday?"


	24. Chapter 24

**(Okay you guys. This is it. Chapter 24. This is the one we have all been waiting for. I would love to hear any feedback you have.)**

After I woke up Wednesday morning, I slowly began packing my overnight bag. As I stacked several sweaters on top of leggings and sweatpants, I wondered what the next five days would hold. I had been looking forward to Thanksgiving for weeks; with Travis home, I would be safe in the bedroom we shared, and everything would be as it once was. I had imagined the three of us watching the Macy's parade followed by hours of football. We would have a small meal, not as elaborate as the one my mom was making, but enough for us. The next day, we would hit the local mall and see what Black Friday deals we could score. The weekend would be spent relaxing, maybe playing a few board games. We would laugh and be at home in each others company and when Travis left to go back to college, he would take me to my mom's.

But now Travis wasn't coming home. It was just me and my dad.

I tried to take my time packing my things, leisurely retrieving anything I could think of and adding it to the bag. My mom came and stood in my doorway and watched me.

"Almost ready to go?"

"Yeah. I just want to make sure I don't forget anything."

"Well, it's just across town," she said with a laugh. "I'm sure if you forget something your Dad can run you over."

I nodded. "Yeah, you're right."

She came further into my room and sat down on the edge of my bed. "Look honey… I get that you're disappointed that Travis isn't coming home. I know that you miss him and you were really looking forward to getting to spend time with your brother, but… Don't take it out on your dad, okay?" I turned to look at her.

"When we got divorced… We knew it would be hard. No matter who had what custody, neither of us would be happy because we would want you all the time. But we've done our best to find an agreement that kept both of us in your lives. We may not be married anymore but I still care about him deeply. I mean, he gave me you, Travis, and Ros, three of the best gifts I could ever ask for. And I… I just know that your dad loves you so much, and he's excited to have you for Thanksgiving. I'm sure it has to get lonely for him. He went from a house full of family to being alone, and I just… I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I know this is hard for you, but it's hard for him too. Just remember that baby. Try to make the best of it, okay? I know it's not ideal, but can you do that? For me and for your dad?"

My entire body felt numb as I forced a smile. "Yeah. I'm sorry, I'll try."

She smiled back. "Good. Now, are you ready to go?"

I nodded and zipped my bag shut. "Ready. Are you going to drive me?"

We were both quiet on the car ride. "What time are Lindsey and Isaac leaving on Sunday?" I finally asked.

"Mm last time they talked to their dad I think they were both planning on leaving around noon."

"Alright. I'll try to come back early enough that I can see them before they leave."

"That would be really nice."

She pulled to a stop in the complex parking lot then put it in park. We hugged each other across the console. "I love you Jen. Have a good Thanksgiving, okay?"

"I love you too. I will." I got out of the car and walked slowly to my dad's door, my bag slung over my shoulder. Digging out my key, I let myself inside.

Sunday morning, my dad drove me back to my mom's around ten. As I started to get out of the truck he stopped me. "What? No hug for your old man?" he asked jokingly. I forced myself to turn and leaned into his embrace. His arms tightened around me and it was all I could do not to scream.

"Have a good week, okay?" I nodded. "Bye baby. Love you."

"Bye."

Once inside, I dropped my stuff in the living room and made my way to the dining room, where I could hear Mark telling a ridiculous joke.

"JJ!" cried Lindsey upon seeing me. "Thank god, now Dad doesn't have to finish this story," she joked, standing up to give me a hug.

"Excuse you, but this got several laughs down at the bank!" he said in mock offense.

"Yeah I don't know that bankers are an accurate gauge of whether or not something is funny, Dad." said Isaac. He came up to give me a hug after Lindsey. I stiffly returned it. He gestured to the pretty redhead who was sitting beside him. "This is Deidre."

"Hey there, I'm JJ." I waved at her.

"It's so nice to meet you." she said in a high pitched, babyish voice. I made eye contact with Lindsey and instantly had to look away, not wanting to burst out laughing at the look of annoyance on her face.

"Where's Mom?" I asked.

"Ask and I shall appear." she said in dramatic voice, bringing in a breakfast casserole from the kitchen. She set the glass pan down on the table then pressed a kiss to my cheek. "I didn't hear you come in sweetie."

She pulled back and did a double take of my face. "JJ you look awful," she exclaimed in a scandalized tone.

I could feel my cheeks redden under her scrutiny. "I'm just really tired."

"Did you not sleep at all?" she asked with a laugh. "What, did Ron keep you up all night watching ESPN?"

"I just… Couldn't sleep. Is there coffee made?" I asked, changing the subject.

She nodded. "A fresh pot in the kitchen." She turned back to the table. "Alright everyone, dig in. Deidre, are you sure there's not something I can make for you? I think we might have some oatmeal."

"Oh no, that's fine Mrs. Dawson. Coffee is fine for me."

"Well then let me refill your cup." Mom took her mug and followed me into the kitchen.

"I didn't know Isaac was bringing someone home. Or that he was dating anyone to be honest." I said when we were out of earshot.

"Yeah, join the club." she whispered. "He didn't tell us ahead of time, just showed up with her. And to make things worse? She's a vegan, JJ! I spent all those hours slaving away at the stove and the poor girl can't eat any of it! No turkey, no macaroni and cheese, no breakfast casserole, nothing. Even the green beans were made with bacon!"

"What about mashed potatoes?" I asked, stirring creamer into my cup of coffee.

"Nope! Because your wonderful mother made them true to her Irish grandmother's recipe, with plenty of milk and butter."

"Gross. So she's just sat around and not eaten anything for five days?"

"The vegan banana bread that she brought with her and pretty much every raw vegetable we could find."

"Lindsey seems to be a fan."

She gave me a look. "Oh you picked up on that, did you?"

"I'm sure it was okay, Mom."

She sighed. "I hope so. I think overall everyone had a nice time. What about you? What did you do with your dad?" She asked as we walked back into the dining room.

I forced a smile. "Oh you know Dad. We watched a lot of football. Ate a lot of food. Did you guys watch the parade?" I scooped some of the casserole onto my plate.

"Yes! Oh my gosh, the floats were really something this year, weren't they?"

"I personally haven't watched the parade in several years." added in Deidre.

"Why not?"

"I just don't think it's right that Macy's continues to let Seaworld continue to have a float even though they have been cited for multiple violations of the Animal Welfare Act." The table filled with an incredibly awkward silence. "…but I did see some pictures of the balloons. They were nice," she added after a moment.

Later that afternoon, after the three of them had packed up their things and returned to their respective colleges, I wrapped up in a blanket and laid down on the couch. There was a Harry Potter marathon on, and I turned it on just as Half Blood Prince came on. Mark came and sat in one of the armchairs."So you didn't really say much about your dad's. Did you not have a good time?"

I kept my eyes glued to the screen. "Yeah, it was fine."

"Did you do anything exciting? I know at one point he had talked about taking you and Trav out to-"

"Mark?" I interrupted. "Sorry, but I… I don't really feel that well. Is it okay if I just lay here for a bit?"

"Oh," he said. "Sure Jayje. Sorry."

I watched as on screen Harry and Dumbledore made their way into the dark home, wands aloft. My head throbbed. I shifted further into the cushions and felt the pain between my legs flare up. As I slowly let my eyes flutter shut, a small voice from a deeply hidden part of me wondered what it would be like to go to fall asleep and never wake up again. I didn't even flinch, instead letting myself tumble into darkness.

School seemed to both crawl by and pass in an instant. We only had three weeks left until the semester break and it was making my classmates antsy. I on the other hand was just tired. From the moment I woke up in the morning, until the moment I attempted to go to sleep, exhaustion weighed upon me. But the moment I was beneath the covers, my eyes were suddenly wide, peering into the darkness for something I couldn't find. Once I finally did fall asleep, I would toss and turn as awful nightmares haunted my subconscious. Then I would wake and begin the whole process again.

Wednesday after school found me sitting on my bed with my laptop, The Crucible open beside me. I had decided to write my essay on how the political climate of the Cold War had inspired Arthur Miller's writing and how it tied in to our current political state. Ms. Prentiss had approved my topic but now that I was sitting, staring at an empty document, the words refused to come. Instead the world seemed to spin around me as I sat frozen in the middle. I sighed and picked up the play, flipping through it in hopes of finding inspiration. Suddenly one of Elizabeth's lines seemed to jump out at me from the page.

" _...you have a faulty understanding of young girls. There is a promise made in any bed."_

The world's dizzying spinning lurched to a stop, and I knew what to write. I sat the play back down, and began to type.

Once I began writing, it became hard to stop, and I was able to finish the five page assignment in just one night. I was so tired when I finished that I didn't even bother to proofread, instead just hitting print. There were sure to be several mistakes throughout it, but after all, it was a rough draft.

The next day I handed a copy to Ms. Prentiss as I was leaving English. "I'm turning my rough draft in a day early because I found a prompt I liked better than the one I had. If you don't like it I can go back to McCarthyism."

She placed it on her desk. "I'm sure it'll be great, but thanks for the heads up. I'll try to have it read by tomorrow, but who am I kidding? I'll probably read it over the weekend." She gave me a searching look. "Is everything okay? You look pretty run down."

I shrugged, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down to cover my freezing fingers. "I don't feel that great. I think I may be coming down with something."

She placed a hand on my shoulder and I forced myself not to pull away. "It's that time of the year, I guess. The teachers' lounge sounds like a doctor's office waiting room. If you need to, go to the nurse."

I nodded. "Thanks." Then I hurried to my next class, praying that this week would hurry up and end.

The next day, everything was completely normal. As I was sitting in my third period class, the school secretary came over the loudspeaker and asked that I report to the school conference room. Confused as to why, but grateful to escape the monotonous review for the end of semester test, I gathered my things and headed that way.

When I got there, I found Ms. Prentiss accompanied by Mrs. Strauss and strangely enough, my mother. All three of them looked extremely tense as I shut the door behind me.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"Why don't you have a seat." I took the chair pointed to by Mrs. Strauss.

"Am… I in trouble?"

"Not necessarily. We just…Well we need to talk about your essay." Ms. Prentiss pulled the paper I had turned in the day before from a folder.

Now I was even more confused. "If it's not good, I can rewrite it. I can do the McCarthyism prompt." Even if I had turned in one of the worst papers of all time, why would they have called my mom in?

"No, JJ that's not…" She stopped and cleared her throat as she shuffled through the papers. She passed them across the table to me and pointed to an area that had been circled in red pen. "Can you read this for me? Aloud?"

"Sure, uhm…" I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "Abigail Williams is often seen as evil, intent on destroying the lives of the people of Salem, but we don't ever stop to consider the fact that she is only seventeen years old. She isn't an adult. The real monster in this story is John Proctor. Everyone in town considers him to be a good man, a holy man, but he's not. He was entrusted with a job. Abigail was only fifteen when she came to live with the Proctor's. He was entrusted with caring for her and teaching her and making sure that nothing bad ever happened to her, and instead he hurt me. John Proctor may not be guilty of witchcraft, but that doesn't mean that he's innocent. He's the guiltiest of all." As I read it to the three woman acriss the table, I caught my stupid mistake and my heart seemed to sink into my stomach. I kept my eyes on the paper, afraid to look up at their faces.

Mrs. Strauss cleared her throat. "At this point… At this point we would usually, have the school counselor speak with you, but since Mrs. Zapata is out on maternity leave, it's not exactly possible." She leaned forward and placed her folded hands on the table. "JJ you need to be completely honest with us. Is someone hurting you?"

My heart thudded in my chest. "What? No!" My reply was too loud and too quick.

"Miss Jareau we're here because we care about you, We want to help you. We can't do that if you don't let us."

"Please sweetie… Jen if something is wrong you have to tell us." My mom's voice was soft but shaky.

"Nothing is wrong! I just really got into the assignment," I insisted.

"JJ the paper isn't the only reason we called you in. You've been acting very differently lately. You're more reserved, you don't speak out much in class, the fight that you got in earlier in the year? This isn't like you." Ms. Prentiss said gently.

"I'm fine! I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal of this!" I leaned forward and put my face in my hands in an attempt to block them out.

"I'm going to stop beating around the bush. JJ, has Coach Hotchner ever touched you in an inappropriate way?"

I ripped my face from my hands to stare at the principal in disbelief. "Coach Hotchner? No! Oh my god, no! He would…" I pushed back my chair and began to pace in the small space. "Coach Hotchner has never once done anything to me. He's been nothing but nice to me, how dare… I can't even believe you would say that!"

My mom spoke up. "Jen we're asking because we are deeply concerned. Please, baby just talk to us. You're not in trouble!"

"I know I'm not in trouble!" I yelled back at her. "I'm not in trouble because nothing happened."

"JJ is it… Is it your stepfather?" Ms. Prentiss timidly asked.

"How dare you?" my mom exclaimed. "Mark would never touch her!"

She held up her hands. "It's just something we have to ask!"

"Mark would never do anything to hurt me." I spat. "This is so ridiculous. I make one typo on a freaking paper and suddenly I have all of you in my face. Nothing is wrong." I could feel the tears brewing to the surface and turned to face the wall in an effort to try and calm down.

"Jen, if you don't want to tell us, that's fine. You don't have to. But please sweetie you have to talk to someone. We can call Lindsey, maybe she can come in from Cleveland, or maybe we could call your dad-"

"NO!" The word seemed to rip from my soul as I whipped around to face her with an intensity I didn't even know I possessed. We both froze in place, for just one moment.

"Your dad… Ron… You don't… No sweetheart. No." But it sounded as if she was trying to convince herself, not me. Everything I had been feeling over the past year, all of the pain and shame and fear and grief came rocketing to the surface, and the tears began. I couldn't stop the sobs as they echoed forth, sometimes feeling as if the magnitude of them would tear me in half. I fell back against the wall behind me. I almost couldn't recognize the wails I was hearing as coming from me.

My mom stood up from her chair and walked slowly towards me. "Are you saying… Is it your dad? Is your dad the one hurting you?"

I couldn't keep up the lie any longer. I nodded jerkily and squeezed my eyes shut at the look of pain that erupted across her face.

"I'm sorry," I cried, "I'm sorry, Mom." Her arms grasped me tightly, hugging me so hard it felt as if I would suffocate in her embrace.

"No baby," she said, as she also began to cry, "I'm sorry. Oh my god I'm so, so, sorry."


	25. Chapter 25

**(Oh my goodness you guys. Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews. Some of you were concerned that the story would be ending soon, but JJ still has a lot of healing to do. Here is Chapter 25, I hope you all enjoy.)**

My mom and I had stood in the middle of the conference room, holding each other and crying for what seemed like hours. Finally, she pulled back to look at me. She swiped her thumbs underneath my eyes then pulled me back to her, turning back to the two women sitting at the table.

"What do we do? What happens now?" she asked.

"I'll go call the police. They can come here so JJ can do this in a familiar place." I heard Ms. Prentiss' chair scrape back as she began to exit the room. My tears redoubled at the thought of having to tell everything. Not only that, but tell it to someone I didn't know.

My mom guided me into a chair, then pulled out the one next to it so she could keep her arm around me. I pressed my face hard into her shoulder and she stroked my hair, whispering that she loved me, over and over.

The door opened. We all turned to look as Ms. Prentiss poked her head in. "They're here." She stepped aside and a man and a woman came in. I sized them up through my waterlogged eyes. She was tall and willowy, with curly black hair and dark skin. He had a graying goatee and drooping eyes that seemed to hold more sadness than anything else. "I have to go back… Fourth period is about to begin." Ms. Prentiss told Mrs. Strauss.

The principal nodded. "Go. Thank you." She stood and shook their hands. "I'm Erin Strauss, I'm the high school principal."

"I'm Detective David Rossi, this is my partner, Detective Tara Lewis." He turned to my mom and I and she shook their hands.

"Sandy Dawson." her voice seemed to be a million miles away.

"And you're JJ?" Detective Lewis asked.

I nodded, unable to speak. Everyone seemed to glance around uncomfortably, unsure of how to begin.

"You're free to use the room, of course. I… I'll leave you to it then. I'll be in my office. Mrs. Dawson," she cleared her throat. "JJ is obviously excused from the rest of classes today. You can take her home afterwards."

"Thanks," my mom replied, rather stiffly.

Mrs. Strauss left the room, closing the door gently behind her. I sat up in my chair. My mom took my hand, holding it firmly in her own.

Detective Lewis pulled a legal pad out of her bag, along with a pen. "JJ, you can call us Dave and Tara. If you need to stop at any moment and take a second, that's completely okay. Are you ready to begin?" she asked gently.

I nodded uncertainly. I didn't want to do this at all. I wanted to close my eyes and for none of this to have ever happened: not the paper, not my father, not Ros, not anything.

"Is it okay if we record this?" Detective Rossi asked, pulling out his iPhone.

"Why?" my mom asked.

"It's just so that nothing is forgotten, and so that JJ has to repeat the story as few times as possible." he said gently. He opened the voice recording app, and before he hit record I could see many other recordings listed. I didn't know if it should make me feel better, knowing that they had heard so many awful things that nothing I said could surprise them.

"Alright, let's start simple. Can you state your full name for the recording?"

I swallowed thickly. "Jennifer Elaine Jareau."

"When is your birthday?"

"January 30."

Detective Rossi smiled at me. "A winter baby." I nodded. "What grade are you in?"

"I'm a junior."

"What do you do for fun?"

"I play soccer, and I just started on the debate team."

"Hey I read about your team in the paper. You went to State, right?" Detective Lewis asked.

I nodded. "Last Saturday."

"Where do you live?" he asked.

"I live with my mom and my step dad, Mark."

"What about your birth father?"

I kept my eyes on the legal pad she was writing on. "I stay with him every other weekend."

My mom's hand tightened around mine.

"JJ… When did the abuse start?"

I forced myself to breathe. "About… About a year ago."

"How did it begin?"

"I… He…" I cleared my throat. "One night, I was in my room. We had just started back to school. He had been on the phone with my mom most of the night. He was mad because… My mom and Mark wanted to take me on a ski trip for Martin Luther King Jr Day weekend, but it was his weekend. I went to bed, but I woke up around 2."

"What woke you up?"

"He was in my room… He was crying.I could tell her had been drinking."

"How?"

"I could smell it on him."

"Did you say anything?"

"I asked him what was wrong, and he said that it wasn't fair that he had lost everything." I began picking at the the skin surrounding my thumbnail.

"Everything? What does that mean?"

"He said he had lost Rosalind, and then my mom, and now he was going to lose me."

"Who is Rosalind?" she asked.

I licked my lips. "My sister. She died when I was 11."

"That must have been hard." Detective Rossi said gently. I nodded. "So he was crying… What happened next?"

"He… He laid down beside me. He put his arm around me, I thought… I don't know I thought he was just lonely, that he wanted a hug, but…"

My eyes filled with tears again and I took several deep breaths. "He got underneath the blanket. And then he began to touch me."

Detective Lewis gave me a sorrowful look. "I know this is hard, and you're doing a great job, but can you tell us where?"

I nodded, fighting to keep from crying. "He… My chest. Over my tee shirt. And I didn't say anything, because it didn't feel real, it felt like a nightmare! But then… He started to kiss on my neck… And his hand went lower, be… between my legs." The last part came out in a whisper, and beside me I felt my mom's body be overcome with sobs. She squeezed my hand so tightly that it felt like the bones would splinter, but part of me welcomed the pain. Every word I was saying was murdering her. This is exactly why I didn't want to tell anyone.

"Perhaps… JJ would you like some water?" Detective Rossi asked. I nodded gratefully. "Mrs. Dawson, maybe you could help me find a vending machine."

"No," she said thickly through her tears. "JJ needs me, she can't… I need to stay."

I forced myself to look at her. "Mom… It's okay. You can… Go get some water. It's okay. I promise."

Her face was red from crying, and it made her blue eyes shine brightly.

"Are you sure, Jen? I can stay. I'll pull myself together. You don't have to do this alone."

I shook my head. "No. Go. I don't want you to listen to this. I don't want you to have all of this inside your head. I'm alright. Go."

She pressed a hard kiss to my forehead. "Okay. Okay but I'll be in the hall. If you need me, I'll be right outside."

"I know. It's okay." Detective Rossi gently led her from the room, leaving me at the table with Detective Lewis.

"You're doing great. Do you need a second before we begin again?" she asked.

I took another deep breath. "No. Let's get this over with. I want this to be done."

After I was finished, having told every gory detail burned into my brain from January through Thanksgiving break, Detective Lewis had me a sign a paper saying that everything I had told them was true. She led me out of the conference room and my mom leaped up from where she was sitting on the floor against the wall.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I nodded, already a little sick of that question. "I just want to go home."

The meeting with detectives had gone through my regular lunch period, but I strangely wasn't hungry. When we got home, my mom and I both stood in the entryway, staring at each other.

"I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Morris. I'm sure once I explain… everything, that he can fit you in immediately. And maybe he can suggest another therapist, maybe a women if that would make you feel more comfortable. Someone who specializes in… these things. And that way we can get a head start-"

"Mom?" I cut off her frenzied rambling. "Can we just… Can we watch a movie? Is that okay? I think… I don't want to talk to anyone right now." I saw her take in a breath to interrupt me but I pressed on. "I know that I'll have to eventually, but right now I just want to curl up in your bed and watch a movie. Can we do that?"

Her face softened. "Of course Jen… Of course."

A few minutes later, we were snuggled together underneath her heavy duvet, the opening sequence to _It's a Wonderful Life_ playing on her TV. My arms were wrapped around her middle like a small child, and she gently rubbed my back. We sat in silence. My eyes hurt from the sheer volume of tears that had been shed, and I allowed them to begin to inch close before she spoke up.

"JJ. Why… Baby, why didn't you tell me? I would have… God. Why did you wait so long?" Her

I let out a heavy sigh. "I… I don't know. It just… I didn't want it to be real. And telling someone made it real. And… You have to deal with so much. I didn't want to give you more bad news."

She took in a deep breath, then took my chin in her hand, forcing me to look up at her. "Listen to me. It's not your job to take care of me, okay? That's my job. And you can tell me absolutely anything. No matter what. I'm so sorry I didn't make you feel that way, I just…" Her eyes gleamed with fresh tears and she looked at the ceiling as she gave me a humorless smile. "I'm so sorry JJ. I feel like I failed you as a mother."

I shook my head violently. "No! No mom, please… don't. You didn't fail me. You're right here."

We hugged each other a little tighter, and returned to watching the movie.

We must have fallen asleep, because the next think I knew, the sky outside the windows was a dark, inky blue and Mark was standing in the doorway. "Well don't you two look snug as a bug in a rug." I peered blearily at him through my swollen eyes.

My mom pressed a kiss into my hair. "I'll be right back, okay?" She extracted herself from our pile and exited the room, pulling him with her. I watched as the DVD menu screen repeated, over and over.

Was this my life now? People having whispered conversations about me down the hall? I looked down at my hands. While talking to Detective Lewis, I had picked and bit and scratched at the skin around my fingernails until they were bloody and raw. I tucked my hands beneath the blanket, unable to look at my chewed up fingers any longer.

My mom came back into the room. "Mark's ordering a pizza." She went to the DVD player and put in _Meet Me in St. Louis_ then returned to sit with me on the bed.

When I had settle my head back onto her chest she took a deep breath. "I spoke with Detective Rossi on the phone. They… They arrested your dad."

A wave of panic rolled through me, and my entire body felt too hot. "And?"

"He fought it at first but… But he eventually admitted to everything."

I let out a shaky breath. "Oh my god." She nodded. We sat for a moment. "Are you… Are you going to call Travis?"

I could feel her sigh, her chest moving beneath me. "I'll call him tomorrow. I have to tell him but… It can wait till tomorrow." We laid in silence and watched Judy Garland on the screen. A while later, Mark brought the pizza up. He didn't say anything, didn't touch me, just gave me a sad smile. We ate it on the bed, and mom put in a new movie. We fell asleep in that same position, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, I slept soundly through the night.


	26. Chapter 26

**(Alright everyone. Here's Chapter 26. It gets a little dark.)**

We spent the entire weekend in my mom's bed. I only got up to use the bathroom and finally, at her insistence, take a shower. Mark poked his head in once or twice a day to check up on us, see if we needed anything, and for that I was grateful.

She had given me the option of staying home from school on Monday, but in the end I just wanted to try to regain some semblance of normalcy. I also really couldn't afford to miss out any of my homework. My phone had remained in my backpack since the last time I checked it Friday morning. When I pulled it out to charge it before school, I was hit with a barrage of text messages. Most were from Penelope, a few from Will. I opened them to get rid of the notification but didn't reply. Neither of us said anything as she drove me to school, the car quiet except for Mariah Carey crooning Christmas carols on the radio.

"If you change your mind, just have the school call me. I'm just at the office today, I'll come and get you."

I took a deep breath as I reached for the door handle. "It's alright. I'll be okay." I shouldered my backpack and duffel bag. "But I'll see you tonight."

Penelope was already sitting at our desk when I got to first period.

"JJ! Where have you been? I texted you like 76 times and no response! I thought you were dead! Or maybe kidnapped by Somali pirates like in that movie."

I smiled at her antics. "How would Somali pirates have gotten to me? Did they come across Lake Erie?"

"Maybe!" She studied me closely. "But seriously, what happened? What's with the radio silence?"

I shrugged. "It was just one of those weekends, y'know? I wasn't feeling well so I spent most of it in bed. I actually didn't even check my phone until this morning."

"Well I'm sorry you're feeling yucky, but next time let a girl know, okay? I was ready to call in Scooby and the gang."

Ms. Prentiss came to stand at the front of the classroom. "Alright quiet down guys. I spent the weekend reading your rough drafts and some of you did really well, I was impressed. However," she cast a glance around the room, letting her eyes linger on Ethan for a moment longer than the rest, "others have quite a way to go. I wasn't kidding about this paper you guys. I can and will flunk you and you'll get to hang out with me all summer to retake this semester. Pull it together. Now, everyone take out your notebooks, I want to review the proper structure of a works cited page, I think some of you are confused."

As she began to write out examples on the board, I found myself relaxing a bit in my seat. This was okay. I could do this. In fact, through out the day, as my classmates went about their completely normal lives, I found myself feeling almost joyful. I had done it; I had finally broken my silence and none of the worst case scenarios I had imagined had come to pass. My mom had believed me, the police had believed me, and the world was still standing. I wouldn't have to wake up every day with the fear and shame hanging heavy on my shoulders. No one knew my secret outside of my family, Mrs Strauss, and Ms. Prentiss. Things weren't okay, but I cautiously felt like they might be someday.

Will had caught me after lunch, asking if everything was okay. I assured him it was and gave him the same sick excuse I had given Penelope.

"Aw well you should have told me. I would have brought you something." He leaned down to kiss me, but I put my hand on his chest.

"I'm probably still contagious," I lied.

He nodded and took my hand instead, his thumb rubbing soft circles on my palm.

When I got to athletics last period, Coach Hotchner was apparently in the worst mood of his life, insisting that we follow our Monday afternoon weights with a two mile run, threatening to make us repeat it if anyone tried to slack off and take it easy. I was thinking only about my sore muscles as I came into the English classroom. I could already feel my hamstrings starting to tighten up. Ms. Prentiss was nowhere in sight, but the other debate kids were gathered around one of the research computers, their backs to me. They were talking in low whispers but I didn't think anything of it.

"Hey, where's Ms. Prentiss?" I asked.

They jumped and whipped around to look at me, their eyes wide. I started to ask what was wrong but then I caught a glimpse of the web page they were looking at. I took half a step forward to get a better look and my heart plummeted to my knees.

They were on the website of the nearby newspaper. In large black print read the headline

LOCAL MAN CHARGED WITH RAPE OF TEENAGE GIRL

Underneath it, accompanying the article, was a copy of my father's mugshot. His hair was messy and his normally smiling face seemed almost gray. The collar of his shirt could just barely be seen, and I instantly recognized it as one of the bright blue 'Jareau Heating & Air' polo shirts he often wore to work.

A wave of heat washed over me from head to toe. I tried to breath but it felt as if someone were crushing my lungs in an iron fist. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak; I could only stand there, completely motionless as they all stared at me. Even with my eyes locked on the screen, I could see the mixture of pity, shock, and morbid fascination on their faces.

I heard Ms. Prentiss already speaking a mile a minute as she entered the room. "Alright guys, so I've been thinking and I think we need to focus on developing our cross examination techniques… what are you guys looking-" She came to a dead stop as she saw the article they had been looking at. "Close out the web page. Now." she said with an edge I hadn't heard her use before. "No one is to leave this room until I say otherwise." Then she put an arm around my shoulder and quickly guided me from the room.

Students were still milling about the hallways, so she led me into the nearby faculty lounge. It was empty save for the biology teacher, Mrs. Fitzgerald, who was standing at the copier. She looked up when we entered and quickly exited, closing the door behind her.

Ms. Prentiss released her grip on my shoulder and came to stand in front of me. I let my backpack and duffel bag slide from my shoulders to the ground. My mouth opened, as if to say something, but then I simply closed it again. What was there to say? I had let myself be lulled in to this complete fantasy that my actions would have no consequences. How could I have been stupid stupid enough to think it was all over, that everything was tied up with a nice little bow and I got to live my life and be happy now?

"JJ… I'm so sorry. I had to run to the restroom, I told them to start pulling newspaper articles for the informative speaking boxes, I didn't… I had no idea. I didn't know it would be in the paper."

It felt like the entire world was crashing down around me. I tore my hands through my hair, trying to make myself think, and suddenly I felt my lunch come rushing up. She must have noticed a change in my expression because she quickly leaned over and grabbed a trash can, placing it in front of me just as I became violently sick. I coughed and retched and she gently rubbed my shoulder without saying anything.

"Everyone knows." I finally choked out. "Everyone." It felt like my legs could no longer support my weight, so I dragged a chair away from the table, collapsing into it.

"No, JJ. Not everyone. Just the other speech kids. And I promise you, I will threaten them within an inch-"

"No." I brought my head up to look at her. She grabbed me a tissue off of the table and I used it to wipe the saliva from my mouth. "You don't… Everybody is going to know."

She pulled another chair over and sat opposite me. "Your name isn't in the article, JJ. They can't, you're a minor. People won't know it's you."

I gave a humorless laugh. "Oh sure! They'll just think it's one of the other teenage girls he has access to. No one will possibly suspect me." The fake harsh laughter dissolved into tears and I covered my face with my hands. I heard the door open behind me.

"Is everything alright?" I instantly recognized the voice of Coach Hotchner, his voice laced with concern. I pushed my face further into my hands, unable to stop the tears now that they had begun.

"Do you want us to call your mom, honey?" Ms. Prentiss asked me gently. I nodded, refusing to take my head out of my hands.

"I'll take care of it." Coach Hotchner said, then left. Ms. Prentiss moved the trash can out of the way. After several minutes, I was able to catch my breath, although every now and then a stray tear would leak down my face. She handed me a few more tissues and I wiped my face and blew my nose.

"I'm going to take you to the office, alright? That way you can wait for your mom and I can go talk to the speech kids. Alright?" I nodded.

In the main office, I took a seat in one of the uncomfortable chairs. Coach Hotchner was there. "Is everything okay? You didn't push too hard during practice today, right? You're not hurt?" I shook my head, but refused to look at him. "Do you want me to wait here with you?" I shook my head again, and he started to exit.

"Wait!" I cried out. He turned. "Would… Can you stay?" He nodded and sat in the other chair.

A few minutes later, Ms. Prentiss came in. She leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. Coach Hotchner looked at her, but she simply shook her head.

My mom came barreling into the office, hair askew. "Where is she? Where- Jen?" When she caught sight of me she hurried forward and dropped to her knees in front of me. She gazed up at me, eyes wide, and saw what was clearly written across my face. "Oh honey," she breathed.

"I never… I should have… Everybody is going to know, Mom. Everyone."

She stood and turned to address Ms. Prentiss. "What happened?" she asked, her voice crackling with anger.

Ms. Prentiss smoothed her dark hair away from her face. "It… There's a newspaper article. Some of the other students have already seen it." she said quietly.

"But… But she's a minor!"

My teacher nodded, not quite able to look my mother in the eyes. "Yes, that's true. Her name isn't listed… but his is. And that's enough."

She turned back to look at me, and it seemed as if she aged twenty years right before my eyes.

"Let's… let's go home sweetheart. C'mon. I'll take your duffel. Grab your backpack." She led me out of the office and outside to her car. In her hurry to get inside the building, she had parked in two spaces.

On the drive home, I wondered what Coach Hotchner thought. He didn't seem to know what was going on. Would Ms. Prentiss tell him? Would they have to tell all the teachers? Would he happen to see the article? Would, god forbid, the story run on tonight's news? What would he think of his star forward, the girl he said couldn't be shaken, once he knew how dirty and broken I was?

Once inside the house, Mom guided me to the dining room table, and I let her. I only half listened to her assurances that everything would be alright, that barely anyone read newspapers anyway. She kept speaking to me as she banged around the kitchen, but I remained where I was. What would my other teachers think? What about Will? Penelope? Would someone reach out to Kate all the way in Sacramento and ask if she knew her best friend had been raped by her father?

She slid a bowl of tomato soup in front of me, and I obediently brought the spoon to my lips, again and again, until it was all gone. She suggested I go up and shower and I did. I put on the pair of pajamas she retrieved for me and then got in bed. I watched as the late afternoon sunshine began to fade into a cold December night. My eyes flickered to the digital numbers on my alarm clock, blue instead of red, and wondered how it was possible he was managing to hurt me so deeply even though he was locked away.


	27. Chapter 27

**(Just a fair warning, this chapter is pretty angsty. Teenagers for the most part are just not great. And teenage boys can be actual garbage sometimes. So anywho, I hope you all enjoy, I'd love to hear hat you thought.)**

I didn't want to go to school the next day, but I knew I had to. We had less than two weeks left in the semester, I couldn't miss out on the reviews for the finals. I pulled on leggings and an over-sized sweatshirt. I slowly dragged my brush through my long blonde hair and swiped concealer on top of the bags under my eyes. I looked in the mirror and found myself completely dissatisfied by everything reflected back. I wished I could crawl back into bed.

My mom tried to talk about happy, upbeat things in the car like what she and Mark were getting Travis for Christmas and the weather forecaster's prediction of snow for the coming weekend. I attempted a half smile as I got out of the car, but didn't say anything, not even returning her 'I love you.'

I kept my head down, burrowing into my coat as I entered the building No one seemed to notice me more than usual, and some small flicker of hope reemerged inside of me. Then, as I approached my locker, I saw two freshman girls speaking in hushed tones at the water fountain. One of them saw me and hit her friend on the arm, gesturing in my direction. She turned and they both stared at me, mouths open as I passed. I tried to breath but the air tasted metallic. I was so frazzled at my locker that it took me four tries before I could finally open the lock. I tried to tune everything out as I searched for my library book but I couldn't stop my ears from straining to hear every snippet of conversation that passed.

"...after practice we could go see a movie…"

"...I didn't do the Spanish homework…"

"...my mom showed me the article this morning…"

"...he's being such a dick…"

"...it has to be her. I mean it's her dad…"

I slammed my locker shut. I kept my head down and walked quickly to English, praying that floor would crack in two and I would be swallowed whole, never to be seen again.

Penelope was running late, just barely making it through the door as the tardy bell rang. I could feel her eyes on me as she crossed the room to our desk, but I bent low over my paper, refusing to make eye contact. She gingerly took her seat, still not looking away from me.

Finally something in me snapped. "Can you stop that please?" I murmured angrily.

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me like a puppy who's been beaten and thrown into a river." I chanced a glance around at the rest of my classmates. Some were just sitting in their chairs, talking and laughing like normal, but some were huddled together, leaning across desks and aisles, speaking in low tones. Even as I watched, one or two slowly turned to glance at me over their shoulders.

I saw Pen open her mouth to speak, so I seized her hand. "Please, just do this for me, okay? Just don't. I can't," I pleaded quietly.

She snapped her mouth shut and blinked furiously before nodding. "Well," she started in an extremely fake voice, "Persephone would NOT start this morning. She's like me; a California gal who shouldn't have to put up with this dismal, cold weather. The only good things about it is that I can finally wear this faux fur vest. Doesn't it look so good with this dress?"

I squeezed her hand gratefully underneath the table. "Yeah Pen. You look great,"

I was on my way to Pre Cal when it happened. The hallway was full of kids trying to make it to class on time. From the middle of the stairs came a loud voice.

"Hey LaMontagne! Is it true about JJ?"

I looked up to see Ethan standing with a few of his buddies, laughing. As if in slow motion, I turned my head to see Will standing by the trophy case with Derek, a laugh still gracing his lips.

"What's that?" He asked.

Ethan took another step down the stairs. "That your girlfriend got herself raped."

Every single student came to a staggering halt. Will took a step forward. "What the fuck did you just say?" he countered, eyes narrowing

"I mean, I'll admit, I never would have thought Little Miss Innocent would have been any good in the sack, but apparently Daddy saw what we couldn't."

My vision began to blur at the edges as I watched helplessly as Will hurled himself at our classmate, only to be held back by Derek and a few other boys at the last second. Ethan and his disgusting friends laughed as they came the rest of the way down the stairs. They had almost left the corridor when he saw me standing with my back pressed against the wall.

"Well if it ain't Daddy Issues herself!" He began to loudly clap, his friends and a few other students joining in with renewed laughter, but for the most part everyone simply stood and stared. I felt like an animal caught in the cross hairs of a rifle, everyone's eyes pressing upon me from all sides. I tried desperately to look for a way out, but instead accidentally made eye contact with Will. His face was red with anger, and his eyes showed nothing but blank shock.

I turned and ran. I ducked around classmates and hit the outside door with so much force that it ricocheted off of the wall behind it with a deafening crash. I ran along the side of the building, no final destination in mind. I came around the corner and was hit with an icy blast of wind that stopped me in my tracks. I gasped, trying desperately to pull air into my collapsing lungs. Finally, I slid to the ground, my hands pressing into the cold earth around me. It felt reassuring underneath me, solid and unmoving. I forced my head between my legs and shut my eyes, trying to breathe.

I had known Ethan since his family moved here in the second grade. He had been a chubby little kid, with a voice so tiny and high that he seemed like a cartoon character. He was good at art; every year he would take a huge sheet of butcher paper and draw every kid in our class, complete with enough details that you could distinguish yourself jut by looking. He had been picked on by the other boys until we got into junior high. Then his voice finally dropped. He started doing MMA and stopped drawing.

I had known he had changed, but I would have never recognized him as that sweet, sensitive boy who moved in from Kansas. Ten years later, and he had no problem broadcasting my assault for everyone to hear, even seemed to take glee in taunting Will and I with it.

Will… Of all the ways I had worried he would find out, this wasn't one of them. Never even my wildest dreams had I thought one of our classmates would scream it at him from across a crowd. The look in his eyes… He acted like he couldn't even recognize me.

I felt a someone settle to the ground beside me and couldn't help but tense. I brought my gaze up just enough so I could see an all too familiar pair of black wind pants.

"Try to calm down," Coach Hotchner told me. "You're having a panic attack. I know it feels like you need to breath in, but focus on breathing out. Slow…"

I squeezed my eyes shut and did as he said. I tightened my abs and tried to force every single bit of air out of my body. Then I slowly let myself breath back in. After what felt like hours, the ache in my chest seemed to ease, and I finally found a somewhat normal breathing pattern. I leaned my head back against the building.

"Do you know?" My voice came out flat and emotionless.

"Yeah," he answered after a brief pause.

"Everything?"

"Enough."

"You and literally everyone else."

"I'm sure it feels that way." He took a deep, shaky breath. "I don't really know what to say, JJ. I… I had no idea. Didn't have a clue. You… God." He cleared his throat. "I'm sure you've already been told this, but this isn't in anyway your fault. It's not." I nodded. He was right. My mom repeated that very same line every hour, on the hour.

"I wish I never would have told anyone." I whispered.

He looked over at me in surprise. "Why?"

"This is somehow worse. Instead of every other weekend, it's right here in my face, every second. Yesterday… for just a few, stupid hours, I felt like things would be okay. But then that newspaper article… And now everyone knows. Everyone has an opinion on it."

He sat silently for a moment. "JJ can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Sure."

"The weekend… before you got in that fight with Elle?" I turned my head slightly to look at him. He hadn't actually asked a question, but I understood what he wanted to know.

"Yeah. That's why."

He nodded, looking away into the distance. We sat in the cold, not speaking, until all of the other students began to file outside for lunch.

After lunch I went back to my normal classes. The stares were still there, every time I moved it felt like everyone's eyes were drawn to me. In a way, athletics was a welcome distraction. Coach Hotchner took me aside before and offered to let me sit out, but I refused. I needed to turn my mind off, and nothing did that better than moving. We ran sprints, up and down the field until everyone's breath was coming in pants, clouding the air in front of our faces. I ran, silently rejoicing in the scream of my muscles. My body was one of the only things I had control over right now. After we finished, I took my time changing in the locker room. I wasn't going to debate; the thought of having to face the speech kids made my stomach knot up. I thought I was the last one in there, until I heard a voice.

"JJ?"

I looked over my shoulder to see Elle.

"Look," I said with a sigh, "I… don't have the energy for… whatever it is you have in mind. Try again another day."

She took a seat next to me on the bench. "I'm sorry."

That definitely shocked me. "You… what?"

She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you."

I shifted uncomfortably. "Oh… it's-"

"It's not fine. I thought I knew everything there was to know about you and I was wrong. And I acted like a dick. I made what was probably an already super bad time extra shitty. So… sorry."

"Thanks. But, I mean you didn't know."

She kept her eyes focused on the locker directly in front of her. "Do you remember Randy Garner?"

Her question took m by surprise. "The football player? Um, kind of. He was in Travis's grade."

She nodded. "At the end of our eighth grade year, I convinced my sister Sophie to take me with her to the high school end of year party. She did but then she blew me off to spend time with her boyfriend. Randy had just graduated and was going off to Penn State. He started talking to me and we began to fool around a bit… Suddenly he was on top of me. He had his hand over my mouth and I tried to scream but I couldn't. After he was done, as he was getting off of me, Sophie came in and started yelling at him, telling him I was only fourteen and that she was going to call the cops. He said I had told him I was sixteen, that it wasn't his fault. She grabbed my hand and jerked me out of there. I cried the whole way home. She told me I could never tell anyone or we would all get in so much trouble."

She took a deep breath, still refusing to look at me. "A few years later he was convicted of raping some girl at a frat party. If I would have told, he wouldn't… I just… Look, I know it's not the same thing. But you did the right thing. Okay? No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says… You did the right thing. If I could go back…" I placed my hand on hers and she scoffed.

"Shouldn't I be comforting you?"

I sighed deeply. "This has honestly been the worst week of my entire fucking life." I deadpanned.

She finally turned to look at me. "Really? Even worse than that time I slut shamed you, then we got in a cat fight and almost got kicked out of school?" We stared at each other for a moment, then she gave me a small, tired smile. After the awful day I'd had, it was all I could do to return it, but I forced myself to do so.

"Does it ever get any better?" I asked. "Or am I going to feel like garbage for the next sixty to eighty years?"

She seemed to honestly mull it over as she stood up and grabbed her bag. "Yeah… There will be days when you won't even think about it. But then there days when you want nothing more than to drink an entire bottle of vodka so you can get the smell out of your nose…" She turned and checked her make up in the mirror, smoothing down a hair that had come out of place. "But after a while there are mostly good days."

She turned from the mirror. "So do you want a ride home? Or are you going to take the bus like a creep?"

Her bluntness almost made me laugh. She might have made herself more human, but she was still Elle.

"A ride would be nice, actually."


	28. Chapter 28

**(Here is a slightly shorter, but slightly sweeter chapter. I'm off from work and school today, so lots to come today!)**

I thought Tuesday was the longest day of my entire life, but I was wrong. Wednesday had dragged on even more, and Thursday seemed like something out of a horror film. It felt like every time I looked up from my desk, every time I walked down the hall between my classes, I was followed by the eyes of my classmates. They talked about what they thought had happened, not bothering to keep their voices down. Will texted me several times, but I ignored all of his messages.

I thought it best to just let him go. The girl who he had sought out at the soccer tournament was a lie. He had been chasing a dream. The real JJ was a disaster. He was better off with someone whole and happy and undamaged. Someone who wasn't me.

Thursday evening, my mom had an open house across town. Mark and I had been left alone to fend for ourselves. After much discussion, we had finally whipped up grilled cheese sandwiches with chocolate ice cream for desert. It might not have been the healthiest of options, but it got the job done.

After eating, I went upstairs to study for my semester finals. I tried to concentrate on the papers in front of me, but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering. I had almost considered giving up completely and opening Netflix up on my laptop when I heard the doorbell ring. While it wasn't altogether strange, we didn't have a lot of visitors. Lindsey, Isaac, and Travis never rang the bell when they came to visit. My mom and Mark would occasionally have friends over for dinner parties, but I highly doubted that's who it was. The only other person who I could really remember stopping by was... well, my dad. I glanced out my front window to check who it was, and my stomach dropped a bit when I recognized the old black pick up parked on the street. I opened my door and crept down the first couple steps, listening intently to the conversation happening at the front door.

"...just want to talk to her. She isn't texting anyone back and I'm worried."

I could see Mark's back from my position. He was standing in an almost unnaturally straight and tall position, a far cry from his usually relaxed manner.

"I don't think now is a good time. Maybe come back next week.."

I couldn't see Will, but I could hear him sigh. "Please, I just... I want to make sure she's okay."

Mark moved to shut the door. "Well thank you for coming by, but-"

I cleared my throat. "Mark?"

He turned to look at me as I came a bit further down the stairs. "JJ?"

"It's okay." He opened his mouth to say something, so I added, "Really. It's fine. He can come in."

Mark nodded hesitantly. I could see the two parts of him warring with each other, partly wanting to do anything necessary to keep me safe, partly wanting to respect my personal boundaries. Eventually, he gave in.

"Alright," he conceded. "But only for a bit. It's getting late." It wasn't even 7:30, but I humored him.

"Alright."

"And I'll be right here if you need me. Anything, just... just give a yell."

I nodded and he let Will in before retreating back into the living room.

Will nervously stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Hey."

"Hey," I responded gently. "Here, c'mon." I turned and walked back up the stairs and he followed. Once we were inside my bedroom, I shut the door. I suddenly became aware of every square inch of my room, from the purple stuffed dolphin that still took up residence on my dresser to the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I had washed my sheets. I hurriedly pulled my comforter up so he wouldn't see them.

"So." I said, a little sharper than I had meant to. "What's up?"

He let out a slow breath as he stood awkwardly in the middle of my room, taking everything in.

"I just... I wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"Alright." I settled myself back on the edge of my bed. "I'm fine."

He looked at me, full in the face, searching for something unknown.

"I don't… I don't know what to say, honestly."

The shame and heartbreak began to settle in the pit of my stomach. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything."

"No, I want-"

"Will." I took a deep breath. "I understand. This isn't what you signed up for. You don't have to feel bad."

He furrowed his brow. "What?"

I found a stray thread on my comforter and wound it tightly around my finger, watching as it slowly turned purple.

"You… You're a great guy. It's okay. We've been together for what, a month? It's… I get it."

"Jayje… What are you talking about? I'm confused." He lifted my backpack off of my desk chair and had a seat.

I took a calming breath. "Look, you don't want to be that guy; The guy who breaks up with a girl right when she starts going through something, so I'm giving you an out. I won't hold it against you. You don't have to feel guilty or whatever."

"You're not making any sense."

"We can break up."

He sat back in the chair. "Woah now, wait-"

"It's only going to get worse from here and-"

"-give me a second to-"

"-you thought I was a nice, normal girl-"

"JJ!" he snapped, cutting me off. "Let me get a word in." I crossed my arms across my chest.

"Now what the hell are you talking about, break up? I don't… That's not why I came here."

"Then why did you come here?"

"Honestly? Because some obnoxious dick hole yelled awful things about you in the middle of hallway and then you cut off literally all communication. I've been worried."

He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees, staring at his hands. "I care about you JJ. I really do. And if you don't want to be with me any more, then there's nothing I can do to change that. But that's not what I want. You're still the amazing person you were before this. My feelings for you haven't changed."

Annoyance coursed through my body. We both knew things were different now, why was he being this way? "Y'know the night I came over to your house? When we watched The Office?"

"Yeah, I-"

"Would you have had sex with me?" He looked up at me in shock. "If I had wanted to, would you have had sex with me?"

He cleared his throat, a slight blush raising in his cheeks. "Well… yeah probably."

I stood up from my perch on the bed. I lifted my Creekside Blue Jays tee shirt over my head and threw it on the ground. I hooked my thumbs into the waistband of my sweats and yanked them to the floor, quickly stepping out of them.

"What about now?"

"JJ, what are you-"

"Have sex with me. Right now."

His eyes darted across my body, seemingly of their own accord, before he pulled them back to my face. "JJ, no."

"See?" I said, tears once again welling up in my eyes. "Things have changed, Will. You can say they haven't, but they obviously have."

He stood up from the desk chair and walked to the door. For a split second, I thought he had finally seen reason and was going to leave, but instead he grabbed my turquoise robe from where it was hung on a hook. He walked back to me and held it open. I looked at him for a moment, then sheepishly slid my arms in and tied the sash. As I swiped at the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes, I let myself come to sitting on the floor, my back against the bed. I hugged my legs in front of me.

Will joined me on the floor, but left a valley of space between us. "JJ…" He sighed, then tried again. "The reason I won't have sex with you isn't because I'm not attracted to you. It's because I'm almost one hundred percent certain that you don't don't want to have sex with me."

"I didn't come into this with some weird, idolized version of you in my head. You're human, awful shit has happened to you. We all have awful shit happen, yours is just… really public right now." I gave him a sarcastic smile, but he carried on. "But that doesn't make me like you less. Now if you are feeling overwhelmed, and like you don't want a boyfriend right now, that's a whole other story. Say the word, and I'll give you space."

"Will," I raised my eyes to the ceiling, "I'm so fucked up. Like you don't even know. I'm probably not ever going to want to have sex with you."

He shrugged. "Then we won't. It's as simple as that." I scoffed. "I'm serious. I'm not dating you so that I can sleep with you. I mean, I want to of course, you're gorgeous and you have an amazing body and…" he cleared his throat and shook his head slightly, "but you're also just someone I want in my life. You're smart and hard working and funny and you give me shit like no one else I've ever met." I chanced a glance over at him. He gave me a small smile. "That's what I like most about you. I was attracted to you the first moment I saw you, the first week of school. But it wasn't until I saw you beat the snot out of Derek that I decided I had to get to know you, no matter what it took."

I looked back at the wall. "Are you sure you want to hang around for this? Ethan's not going to be the last douche bag to say stuff."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him flex his hands open and closed. "I know."

We sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, and then he scooted over so that he was sitting next to me,

"Is this okay?"

I let my head fall to lean on his shoulder. "Yeah, this is fine."

A little while later, he cleared his throat. "I should probably get home." I nodded and he helped me to my feet. I reached for my door.

"Uh, Jayje?"

"Yeah?"

"You… The robe might raise some questions." I looked down and realized I was indeed still wearing my fuzzy robe.

"Oh god. Yeah, that could be confusing." I grabbed my clothes from the ground. Will automatically turned to face the wall, giving me privacy to change. I simply stared at his back for a moment, touched by everything he was.

We came down the stairs, talking about a substitute teacher we'd had for Chemistry the day before. Mark came out of the living room almost immediately.

"Everything alright?"

I nodded. "Yeah. It's okay." I opened the door for Will. "I'll see you tomorrow at school."

"Sure thing. Text me if you need anything." I smiled and shut the door behind him.

I turned back to Mark. "So… That's Will."

He nodded. "I ." He paused for a moment. "Are you two…"

I sighed. "Yeah. We're going to take it a day at a time, I guess, but yeah. He's really sweet."

"Well… Good. That's what you deserve. Someone who's going to treat you well."

"I think he will."

He took a step forward, his eyes focused on the glasses in his hands.

"If… If you ever need anything, you realize I'm here for you, right? If your mom is ever unavailable for some reason, I'll always be right here."

I was touched. This was a side of Mark I didn't see a lot.

"Thank you."

"Would it be alright if I gave you a hug?"

I smiled. "Yeah. That would be great actually." He wrapped me gently in his arms and patted me on the back. I tenderly reciprocated before pulling back.

"Wanna watch TV?"

"Sure. I'm actually watching a documentary about Arlington Cemetery. It's super popular apparently. People are just dying to get in."

I stopped short as I followed him into the living room, before groaning and rolling my eyes.

"C'mon, that was a good one and you know it."

"Sure, Mark. Whatever you say."


	29. Chapter 29

**(Alrighty. Here is chapter 29! A word of disclosure, there's a fair bit of legal talk at the end. All of my knowledge comes from having seen every episode of Law & Order SVU + google. I hope you enjoy!)**

Friday passed much like the days before it, although I was either growing more accustomed to the stares and whispers or they were happening with less frequency. Perhaps they had just moved on to other things, bored, like vultures abandoning a picked over corpse in favor of a fresher kill. Maybe they were just preoccupied with finals.

I woke up Saturday morning to several inches of snow. As I stared out the window at the wintry street, a restlessness seemed to settle in my bones. I ate breakfast but then wandered around my house, unable to settle into any activity. Finally I found myself in my bedroom. I ripped open the closet door and began to flip through my clothes. I pulled out all the things that I couldn't remember wearing, the things that didn't fit well, the things that were worn through. I retrieved a trash bag from the kitchen and stuffed them all inside. I repeated the process with all of the clothing in my dresser. I tied the bag off and sat it aside to take for donation. Then I turned the same critical eye to the items on top of my desk and dresser.

As I cleared out the old, a sense of calm seemed to drape over me. I plugged in my phone and turned on music, letting my mind turn off as I went about my task. I hadn't realized how many things I had been holding on to for no reason, but each thing I tossed made me feel a little lighter.

My mom came in as I finished.

"Wow, I know I had mentioned cleaning your room, but this is a lot."

I took a sip of water from my water bottle. "Hey, is that offer to repaint still on the table?"

She looked at me in surprise. "Um… Yeah! Let me… Let me grab my coat. We'll go to the hardware store right now."

"Do you have any colors in mind?" She asked as she drove slowly down the snowy streets.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Something… big. Does that make sense?"

She nodded as she stopped at a light. "It kind of does, yeah."

I stared out my window at the other cars, their exhaust freezing in the chilly air. "Hey Mom?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"What do I have to do to get my license?"

She smiled. "Well… first you'll need a permit. I think we still have Travis's study guide from when he took the written test. We'll find it when we get home."

We pulled into the parking lot and hurried inside. Once in the paint aisle, I was faced with what seemed like endless options. We walked back and forth in front of the swatches, pointing to ones that we found pretty. Finally I picked up a deep teal. Turning it over, I looked at the name. _Safe Harbor._ I couldn't help but smile a bit. It was perfect.

The rest of the weekend was spent covering my room in plastic sheets to protect my belongings. Mark, Mom, and I donned our grungiest clothes and set about painting the walls. We talked and laughed and critiqued each others music choices. For just a few hours, I was able to completely forget everything that was happening. We applied a second coat, then stood back to look at our handiwork.

The teal walls looked wonderful against my light purple comforter. It made me feel like I was floating in the middle of a lagoon, completely removed from the rest of the world. It gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't felt since I was a child. I absolutely loved it.

On my way to school Monday morning, my mom cleared her throat. "Are you ready for your finals?"

I nodded, staring down at my phone. "Yeah. I mean, it gets to the point where you just have to do it. I'm ready to get it over with."

She turned the music down a bit. "So I spoke to Dr. Morris at the end of last week."

"And?"

"He recommended someone, another doctor in his practice. He said she specializes in traumas like these. She's very nice. Her office called today, they have an opening this afternoon at 4. You would have to miss debate."

"I don't know if I want to do debate anymore."

"Why?"

I sighed heavily. "I don't know, I just… I don't."

"Okay. Well you definitely don't have to. So does that mean you want the appointment?"

"Sure. I'll take the bus. Is it in the same building?"

"Yeah, it is. Same floor, too."

"What's her name?"

"Dr. Blake."

"Alright, I'll be there."

She pulled to a stop and I opened my door. "You gonna be okay today?"

I shrugged. "Yeah. One more week and then I'm out on break."

"Five more days, Jen. You can do it."

"Thanks, Mom." She blew me a kiss and I made my way inside.

The waiting room was very familiar to me. After Ros's suicide, the entire family had begun therapy with Dr. Morris. It had helped with the grief, with the awful nightmares that accompanied finding your older sister and best friend in the bathroom with her wrists cut open. Over time, the meetings had dropped to once a week, then twice a month, then stopped entirely. When my parents had announced they were splitting up, Travis and I once again found ourselves visiting the the large, gray building.

There was a fish tank along one of the walls. There was something hypnotic about watching the tropical creatures swim back and forth. The rest of the walls had boring paintings of seascapes in pastel colors. I sat in one of the cold vinyl chairs and waited for the woman at the front desk to send me in. I checked the time on my phone.

"Jennifer?" She gave me a smile. "You can head on in. Dr. Blake's office is the third on the left."

I let myself through the plain wooden door and down the hall. When I came to her door, I took a deep breath and rapped on her door. A moment later, it swung open.

"Hi, you must be Jennifer. I'm Dr. Alex Blake, but feel free to just call me Alex. Please, have a seat." I stepped around her and she closed the door.

"So, do you prefer Jennifer?"

"I go by JJ, actually. My mom calls me Jen sometimes."

"JJ…" she said, trying it out. "That's nice. You've always had that nickname?"

"For as long as I can remember." She nodded then flipped open a folder in front of her. "You were with Dr. Morris for… five years? Did you like him?"

She had shoulder length brown hair and warm brown eyes. She tapped the end of her pen against her chin.

"Yeah. He was nice."

"Why did you begin with him?"

"I'm sure it says why in my file."

She gave me a small smile. "I'm sure it does, but I'd rather hear it from you. Does it bother you that I have your file?"

I shrugged. "Not really, I guess it's just more that I have a file."

"Why is that?"

"I don't know. All of the crappy things in my life written down… It seems impersonal."

She nodded. "I can understand that. So why did you begin seeing Dr. Morris?"

"My sister died."

"How did she die?"

"She killed herself. I found her."

"That's a lot to handle for an eleven year old little girl." I nodded. "And then what happened?"

"My parents got a divorce."

"That's a common event in the aftermath of the death of a child."

"That's what Dr. Morris told us."

"But that's not why you're seeing me today."

"No."

She nodded slowly. "You wanna talk about that?"

"Not really, but I think we're probably going to anyways."

"Yeah, I think you're right about that. Why are you here today?"

I shifted in my chair. "I'm here…"

"You can take you time."

"You know what happened," I said in exasperation.

"I do."

I picked at the skin on my thumb out of habit. A dull ache started in my stomach.

"I painted my room this weekend," I blurted.

"You did? What color?"

"Blue. Well, more teal I guess."

"It sounds really pretty. Why did you decide to paint?"

"I… Needed the change, I guess."

The furor of finals meant that the week seemed to pass in an instant. On Thursday evening, Mark, Mom and I were sitting at the table eating dinner when the doorbell rang. Mark got up to answer it as Mom continued telling me about her boss being a jerk.

"It's like he thinks I'm brand new to the business and don't have a single brain cell to my name. Every property is just having to reprove myself, over and over."

"Well then why don't you quit? You could start your own real estate company."

She waved her hand as she reached for the bowl of mashed potatoes. "Oh I don't know. That would be a whole other headache to worry about."

Mark stuck his head around the corner. "Um, Detectives Lewis is here. She wants to talk to us."

My heart seemed to jump into my throat.

My mom looked across the table at me. "Oh! Okay, um let's go to the living room, then."

She stood when we came in and shook my mom's hand. We all had a seat, Detective Lewis in one of the armchairs, while I sat between my parents on the couch.

"I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner, I just wanted update you on what was happening with the case," she told us.

My mom placed a reassuring hand on my back. "It's fine; Has something happened?"

"Well, as I said when I spoke to you last week, when he was first brought in, he refused all the allegations. However, after being further interrogated, he eventually confessed to all wrong doing."

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but picture my dad, sitting at a metal table in a small room, calling me a liar, insisting that he was innocent.

"So he's going to jail, correct? It's done?"

"Well, he's being held now. He had a plea inquiry earlier today-"

"What does that mean?" Mark interrupted.

"It's basically a meeting where he's brought before the judge and testifies that he understands what he's doing by pleading guilty to the charges. Next week, he'll be going in to arraignment. If everything goes as planned, he'll be found guilty and then sentenced."

"Sentenced to what?" I asked.

Detective Lewis swallowed. "Well, the DA is bringing charges for first degree felony rape, which carries a penalty of up to forty years in prison; they're also charging him with simple assault against a minor, it's a misdemeanor so it has a maximum penalty of five years."

"Forty five years total?" my mom asked.

She nodded. "There's a good chance he won't serve all of it, but that's what the DA is asking."

We all seemed to take a collective deep breath.

"So there won't be a trial? She won't have to tell everything in court?" asked Mark.

"No trial. That's the best part about a guilty plea."

"What about the arraignment? Will we need to be present?"

The police woman shook her head. "You have the option if you would like to attend. Some find it therapeutic to watch their attacker be brought to justice. Others have no interest, it's completely up to JJ. Do… Do you have any questions? I may not have all of the answers, but I can try."

My mom brushed my hair out of my face. "Jayje, do you have any?"

I shook my head. "I'm just ready for this to be done."

Detective Lewis stood up. "Well, I'll let you get back to eating, like I said I just wanted to give you an update." Mark began to walk her to the door, when suddenly I had a thought.

"Wait! Can… Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Of course."

My mom put a hand on Mark's arm. "We'll be in here," she said.

After they returned to the dining room, I looked back at Detective Lewis. "Were you there? When he gave his confession?"

"I was."

"He… Did Ros come up? My sister?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Did he say if… If he had hurt her? It's just… When she killed herself we kept asking why. Why would she have done this? She was so… full of life and energy. It came out of nowhere."

She chewed on her lip for a moment. "We asked him several times if he had assaulted Rosalind. He insisted that he had never touched her."

"Even after he had finally confessed?"

She nodded. "Even then." I found myself at a loss for words. She put a gentle hand on my shoulder. "So often, we try to make sense out of tragedy, but there aren't answers to be found." She gave me a sad smile. "Was there anything else?"

I shook my head. "No. That's it." I walked her to the door and locked it behind her. I rejoined my parents for dinner, but didn't have much to say.

Later, as I lay in bed reading the driver's permit study guide, I couldn't stop my brain from spinning off. Why? Why had he never hurt Rosalind the way he hurt me? My entire life I had seemed to live in her shadow; how many times had teachers or family members commented on how I was a splitting image of her? Before she had died, I wore the comparisons like a badge of pride. There was enough space between us that they didn't give me a bitter edge of sibling rivalry. I worshiped Ros, I wanted nothing more than to be just like her. After her suicide, the comparisons lessened, mainly because everyone was wary to talk about her. But there was still that small seed inside of me, a way to carry her around, never quite on my own.

So why not Ros? Why just me? Why would he do this? How could he do this? As I turned off my lamp and curled up beneath my comforter, I couldn't help the shadow of jealousy that passed over me. Why did she get love and protection from our father, when I had been forced to suffocate underneath him in the dark?


	30. Chapter 30

**(Three updates in one day! Hooray for Thanksgiving break!)**

The last day of school had essentially been a joke. Final tests were done; the teachers were just as excited for the break as we were, so we mainly watched movies all day.

Penelope had asked if I'd wanted to get coffee after school, and I had agreed. We had grabbed to go coffees then aimlessly driven up and down the streets in Persephone.

I knew that she wanted to talk about it, but I was in no hurry. Eventually, as we were stopped waiting for a train to pass on the tracks, she turned slightly to me.

"Are you okay?"

I couldn't help but sigh. I knew she was only asking because she truly cared, but I was beyond sick of that question and all of it's many iterations. The simple answer was no; I was not okay. I wasn't fine or alright either.

"Yeah," I answered.

"I… I'm so sorry, Jayje."

"What are you sorry for?"

She let out a deep breath. "The party out at Sam's. You didn't want to go, you wanted to stay home, but I convinced you. And then I got so drunk that I couldn't drive us home and we had to call my mom and then she told your dad… God and then we took you to him!" It was obviously something that had been weighing heavy upon her.

"Penelope, don't blame yourself, you didn't… It's not your fault." I kept my eyes ahead, watching as the cars of the train flickered past the front windshield. "It was happening before you even moved here. And there's a good chance it would have happened that night anyway. There's no… No one's to blame but him."

She looked over at me, her dark eyes shiny with unshed tears. "I just feel like… I don't know, like I should have known. You're my friend, I should have been better."

"Don't. Like I said, this is on him."

The end of the train rattled by and the cross arms raised. She shifted Persephone back into drive.

"Is he in prison?"

"Not yet. He's being held until arraignment. It's not till next week."

She paused. "Is there anything I can do? I mean, other than like, build a time machine and go back and stop anything bad from ever happening?"

I took a sip of my coffee. "Just… Be here, I guess. And talk about literally anything else. I feel it's all I do, all day, every day, and I just could really use some normalcy, y'know?"

"I can do that! I'm great at normal! I'm like, the queen of normal." I cast a glance over her curly red pigtails, the pink fur vest she was wearing over a gray and white striped dress, and couldn't help but laugh.

"You're so normal, Pen. The most normal person I know."

She grinned back at me. "And that's why you love me."

My first few days of Christmas break were spent laying around the house. I watched more Netflix than was strictly healthy and ate most of the food in the pantry. Monday afternoon, I saw Dr. Blake again. I went on runs around the neighborhood each morning, keeping my body in shape until off season began.

I came through the door, sweaty and panting from completing a three mile loop, and ran straight into something tall and solid. Jerking back in shock, I quickly realized it was Travis, finally home from college.

"Trav!" I jerked my headphones from my ears.

"Woah there kid, gotta watch where you're going." He sounded exactly like I remembered, but when I looked at his face, there was something distant there that I couldn't recognize. He didn't try to hug me.

"I didn't know you were coming in today."

"Yeah, well The office was closed and Grace went back to New York for the break, so I figured I might as well come home."

"Well Mom will be excited," I offered.

"Yeah, for sure." We stood and stared at each other for a minute. "What about Lindsey and Isaac? When are they coming?"

"Well Lindsey is driving in tomorrow I think, no idea about Isaac. Maybe he's spending Christmas with his new girlfriend."

"Maybe."

"Did Mom tell you about her?"

"A little. The vegan?"

I nodded. "She's kind of the worst."

He nodded back. "Well, I'm gonna head up to my room, I promised Grace I would call her when I got here."

"Oh… Okay." He turned and began to climb the stairs. "Hey, you wanna help me study later? I'm taking my permit test on Friday."

He didn't turn back. "Maybe, I have some stuff I need to work on."

I was left standing alone in the entryway, feeling as if I was back out in the cold.

In honor of Travis getting home, Mom made his favorite meal, pork chops with baked potatoes. As we sat around the table, Mom and Mark asked him all sorts of questions about school and work and Grace. He over dramatic and exaggerated as always, but he never once looked at me. I pushed my food around my plate as I became more and more upset. This proved that he wasn't tired from the drive, he wasn't just in a bad mood; he was upset with me. This was only further proved when, after the dishes had been cleared and loaded into the dishwasher, I asked for help with my test.

"Sorry, Jayje, I'm actually pretty beat from the trip. I'll probably call Grace then head to bed. Maybe tomorrow."

"I'll help you out," volunteered Mark.

"Thanks," I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

The next day, when I got back from my run, he was sitting in the living room in front of the TV.

"What are you watching?"

"Oh I just put on Scrubs. How was your run?"

I flopped down onto the couch. "It was okay. I'm having a little bit of pain in my right ankle, I think I just over did it. I need to ice it."

"Yeah, that'll probably do it."

I waited a moment. "What are your plans for today?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. I have some reading I need to do for next semester, I might take a stab at it."

"Anything exciting?"

"For microeconomics? Never."

"Well, maybe we could surprise Mom and Mark and make dinner. She would lose her mind."

"Yeah, that could be nice. What time is Lindsey in?"

"In like an hour, I think."

"Alright. Well maybe I'll go up and read until she gets here and then we can start forming a game plan."

He stood up and stretched, then headed for the staircase.

"Are you mad at me?" I couldn't take it anymore. Dealing with the kids at school had been rough, There were times when I wanted nothing more than to disappear. Finally talking to Will, while sweet at the end had started off as terrifying. But this? My own brother? He was the one person in the world who knew the pain of having your sister ripped away from you and then having your parents split up just as you thought life was getting back to normal. He paused at the foot of the stairs and took a deep breath.

"No Jayje."

"Really? Because you definitely could have fooled me." I turned the TV off and came to standing.

"I'm not mad." He still had his back to me.

"Then why won't you look at me?" I finally yelled. Angry tears bubbled to the surface, making my voice raw and strangled.

"Because it hurts, okay?" He whipped around to face me, I saw my own tears mirrored on his face. "I can't look at you because every time I do I want to scream! I want to yell, and vomit, and hit something! God I want to beat the shit out of someone." He took in a gasping breath. "I just… Fuck! Do you even know what it was like to get that call from Mom? I was in my apartment, cooking dinner for me and Grace, and then Mom is on the phone, and she tells me that Dad has been arrested for ra-" The sound dies off in his throat, as if his body physically can't bear the thought of what has happened.

"Dad…" He tries again. "Shit I can't even say it! And she says it's been happening for months, and you never told anyone, and what the fuck, JJ? Why? I would have… Jesus I would have driven here and beat the shit out of him. I would have killed him. I would have protected you, but you never gave me the chance!" He pressed his hand hard over his eyes, as if to physically stem the flow of tears. I watched in horror.

"So you know what? Yeah. I am mad. I'm mad that all of this happened. I'm mad at Dad for ever daring to hurt you. I'm mad that Mom had to make that phone call, I'm mad that our family has been torn even further apart than it already was, and I'm mad at you for not telling. The very first time. As soon as it happened, why didn't you call me, or Mom, or the goddamn police? Why?"

"Because I didn't want this to happen Travis!" My voice rose in volume to match his shouts. "Because I knew that it would destroy everything! You think I didn't know what it would do to Mom? I didn't want to ruin what was left of our family, so I kept my mouth shut. And do you think it was fun, getting to go to school afterwards? It was in the newspaper, everyone knew exactly what had happened! Every single one of my classmates and teachers were looking at me like the disgusting, broken thing I already knew I was!"

We stayed where we were, chests heaving and tears spilling down our reddened cheeks.

"But you know who I'm maddest at? Me. I'm your big brother. It's my job to protect you, to watch out for you. And I failed you JJ. And shit, I'm so sorry. I should have realized something was off, I should have been paying more attention. I couldn't save Ros from herself, and I couldn't save you from Dad, and now everything is shit! And god, I know… I know that Thanksgiving… I was running around Spain with Grace and you were all alone with that sick bastard, and I just, FUCK!"

He slammed his hand into the stairs railing, making the whole banister reverberate. "I'm sorry," he cried. "I'm so sorry Jayje."

I stumbled forward and threw my arms around his middle. He wrapped me in an embrace so tight it was hard to breathe.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I'm sorry, Trav."

We stood there, locked in that tearful, fierce embrace for what seemed like years before finally coming apart.

"I would have killed him. I really would have. You always think that you're incapable of something like that, but when she told me, it was like every cell in my body was filled with rage. I wanted to get in the car and drive here and punch him in the throat. I was halfway to the car before Grace caught up to me and talked sense into me. In that moment I was completely ready to murder him." He wiped at his face with his shirt.

I took a hicuppy breath. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize. I'm not really mad at you, kid. Do I wish you would have let one of us help you? Yes. But I'm not angry at you. You don't have anything to be sorry for."

He took a deep, steadying breath. "Alright. Well now that I've screamed at you like a douche bag, I guess it's finally out there."

I nodded. He pulled me in for another hug. "C'mon. Let's wash our faces then figure out what we're gonna make Mom and Mark for dinner."

Lindsey arrived shortly afterward, and very kindly didn't mention our red, puffy faces. After throwing her stuff in her room, she joined us in the kitchen. When our parents came home, they heaped us with praise for cooking. As we sat around the table to eat, it felt like we were one step closer to healing.

The next day, I woke up early and instead of my run, I had Lindsey drive me to the courthouse so that I could sit for my permit test. I was distracted the whole drive there, because I was acutely aware of what else would be happening in the courthouse: my father's arraignment. I tried to push all thoughts of it from my mind when I was handed the examination, but there were several times when I found myself staring at the paper but not really seeing it. Finally I turned it in, and waited with Lindsey while the woman behind the counter graded it.

"Conglomerations, Miss Jareau," she said with no emotion, "you are the proud new owner of a learner's permit." I high fived my step sister, and several minutes later, we were leaving the DMV office with my paper permit in hand.

"I can't believe I finally have it," I told her.

"I honestly can't believe it took you so long." she teased.

As we descended the stairs, I came to a sudden halt. I had discussed it with my mom and we had decided that I shouldn't attend the arraignment because it would be too traumatic, but now that I was here, in the same building, I couldn't think of anything else. "Linds, could we… Could…"

"Do you want to go up to the third floor? To the courtroom?" I nodded. "If that's what you want, then yeah. That's what we'll do." We turned and walked back up the stairs.

The closer we got, the more my heart began to pound. My breathing began to catch in my chest. She glanced over to ask me something, and then grasped my shoulder. "Hey. Stop. Breathe. We don't have to do this. We can turn around and go get in the car and you can drive us to go get celebratory ice cream. You don't have to do this."

I sucked in a breath and nodded. "I know. I know I don't. But… I need to. Otherwise, I don't know if this will ever seem real."

She nodded. "Alright. But if it's too much, say the word and we're gone."

"Okay."

We approached the large double doors and she eased one open, gesturing for me to go inside. I did so and she followed, ushering me into the very last pew of the visitor's gallery. It looked like we already missed a good deal of the proceedings.

"I think they are at the very end of the reading of the facts. Basically, they did a recap of all the crimes he's been accused of. It's so that he can't change his mind later and say he didn't know exactly what he was pleading guilty to." Lindsey breathed into my ear. I was immensely thankful for her knowledge of the law.

"Will the defendant please rise?" The bailiff said. He did, and it was only then that I could see truly see him. He looked somehow so small in his orange jumpsuit. His shoulders were hunched forward, and his head was bowed.

The judge peered down at him from her bench. "Ronald Jareau, do you agree to these facts as they have been stated?"

"Yes." His voice was hoarse and raspy.

"Then I, on behalf of the great state of Pennsylvania, find you guilty of the offense of first degree rape as well as simple assault of a minor. Your sentence will be handed down to you at a later date, and this court room is adjourned. Bailiff, take him into custody."

"I thought he would be sentenced today? That's what the detective said?" I whispered to Lindsey as we stood to exit the courtroom.

"A lot of the time it is handed down the same day, but sometimes the judge will choose-"

"JJ!" I couldn't stop from turning to look at him when he called my name. "Baby! Baby I'm so sorry, Jen, please forgive me." The bailiff began to pull him towards a side door and Lindsey ushered me backwards. "Baby, I love you!"

Then I was out in the hallway, Lindsey's face staring into my own. "JJ are you okay? Do you need a second? Do you want to sit down?"

I swallowed thickly. "No, I… I think I'm alright. I just…" I forced myself to take several deep breathes. "It happened. They found him guilty. It's done."

"They did. And you survived. You're here."

I nodded in shock. "I survived."


	31. Chapter 31

**(Here's Chapter 31! I hope all my American readers had a wonderful Thanksgiving!**

 **Also, shout out to AndreeaRaducan, who's writing the wonderful story Undying Champion, which I am obsessed with, and who I am apparently engaged in a competition with to see who can destroy the other one emotionally. But seriously, go read UC. It's amazing.)**

"I can't believe you finally have you driver's permit. Y'know at this rate kid, you might actually have your license by the time you graduate."

I rolled my eyes at Travis across the dinner table. "You're so funny."

"I know. What do you guys do when I'm not around?"

"Enjoy the silence."

"Was the test difficult?" asked Mark, cutting across our playful banter.

"It wasn't too bad. Pretty common sense, actually. One of the questions was which sign is red and octagon shaped."

Mark pulled his face into an expression of deep concentration. "Oh man, don't tell me... Is it the yield sign? It is isn't it?"

"You know I put the same answer, and strangely enough they marked it wrong."

"So what did you guys do after you took your test? Did you go and celebrate?"

"Well..." I made eye contact with Lindsey and Travis across the table. When we had gotten back to the house, he had immediately sensed I was shaken up, and we had told him what happened.

"Before we left the courthouse, we made a little pit stop." Lindsey said delicately.

"At the arraignment." I finished.

My mom and Mark both froze, their forks suspended in midair.

"JJ what happened? I thought you had decided not to go! Honey, I would have taken off of work, we would have all gone with you." My mom spluttered.

"I know, and I hadn't planned on going, it was just..." I took a breath. "I couldn't stop thinking about it. Because it didn't seem real, it didn't feel like anything was actually happening. And so we were leaving and I asked Linds if we could go."

"And you supported this?" asked Mark, his voice troubled.

She held up her hands. "I told her it was completely up to her. If she wanted to go, we would go. If she wanted to leave, we would leave."

"What happened?" Mom's face was drawn and worried.

"Well we missed the beginning. But we got there right as the judge pronounced him as guilty."

Lindsey spoke up. "They didn't do sentencing today. A lot of times in guilty pleas they'll do it the same day as arraignment, but instead the judge adjourned until next week. My guess is she was wanting to get everyone out for the holiday."

They both nodded slowly. "And you're... okay?" asked Mark.

"Well... I'm no less okay than I was before I went, if that's what you're asking."

"So... What'd you do after that?" My mom asked, finally bringing her fork to her mouth.

"I drove us home, we picked up Trav, and we went out and got frozen yogurt. It was fun."

"Well good." We went back to eating dinner, my mom looking a bit preoccupied.

"Alright, gather round. You all know what time it is." Mark's family had a tradition of watching home videos on one of the nights leading up to Christmas, and we had embraced it when he and my mom got married. He had spent weeks combing through the hours of footage from when we were young, combining them with his kids' videos. Altogether, there was almost five hours of videos on 4 different disks. We would change into PJ's and gather in the living room to watch them with any snacks we could find.

"Now, I know we're all missing Isaac since he's spending Christmas with Deidre, so I thought we would start off with one of my favorite videos of him." Mark pressed play on the remote then settled back into the couch, his arm around my mom's shoulders.

The TV was filled with a grainy image of a tiny little boy in an old school western outfit. Tears were running down his cheeks from large, solemn eyes.

"What's wrong buddy?" Mark said from off screen.

Six year old Isaac took a deep shuddering breath. "I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?"

"Because the police are going to come!"

"Why are the police coming?"

"Because..." he screwed up his little face, "I'm an outlaw! They're going to arrest me and put me in jail!" He ran to the side, and the camera followed him as he threw himself into his mom's arms. Shawna smiled at the camera as she patted his back and reassured him that he wasn't in trouble. She had the same long, curly brown hair as Lindsey, which in the video was held back by a scrunchie. She had been killed by a drunk driver when Lindsey was 17 and Isaac was 14, leaving Mark to raise two teens on his own. He joined a grief support group, and a few years later that's where he had met my mom.

This was followed by several smaller videos: Ros and our cousin Miranda singing loudly and poorly to Oops I Did It Again, Lindsey playing chopsticks at a piano recital, Travis jumping off the high dive for the first time.

Then our eyes were met with the hallway of our old house. My mom's hand gently pushed open the door to her bedroom, and took a few steps forward.

"Yes! My favorite!" crowed Travis from his armchair.

"No." I groaned, knowing what was coming.

As she entered the room, the camera focused on her vanity where I was sitting. The entire bottom half of my face was covered in bright red lipstick. I caught sight of my mom approaching in the mirror and whipped around.

"Hi baby." My mom said.

"Hi Momma."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure?" She asked, laughter slowly seeping into her voice at my ridiculous appearance.

Meanwhile, my younger self became enraged. "Stop. No laughing. No laugh, Momma. I'm pretty." My mom began to laugh harder in the video, causing me to stand up on the stool and plant my hands on my hips.

"I'M PRETTY!" I yelled at the camera, my face red in anger. "I'M PRETTY!" I repeated, but with a little too much emphasis, for I lost my balance and fell backwards off the stool. Our entire family roared with laughter as I began to cry on the video, and it cut to black.

"I'M PRETTY!" Travis mocked, and I threw a piece of popcorn at him.

My mom pulled me into her side, practically crying with laughter. "My pretty girl, so, so pretty."

"You guys suck," I laughed.

"I know that it's coming, but it's somehow always funny. Every time." Travis said. A church nativity scene appeared on the screen. The camera zoomed in on the flimsy set. A group of kids came bumbling down the main aisle, several stopping to wave at their parents as they spotted them in the audience. A teacher began reading the Christmas story into a hand held microphone as the pianist played softly in the background

"Oh this one starts off so sweet." My mom murmured. When the kids got to the makeshift stage, they all settled into their spots. In the very center, leaning over the baby Jesus in his manger, was twelve year old Ros. Her long white blonde hair had been curled and pulled back in a headband. She was staring down at the plastic doll with a look of adoration and tenderness that couldn't be a further contrast to the look of pure boredom on the skinny junior high boy who had been strong armed into appearing as her Joesph. Out of focus, the other children were dressed as wisemen, angels, and animals. The story continued on, and a choir began to sing. Ros scooped up the baby doll and laid a gentle kiss on it's plastic head.

The camera began to widen out, showing the rest of the children gathered. Several feet behind Ros stood Travis, his wiseman's staff several feet taller than him. He was staring off into the distance, tugging his gray stringy beard away from his chin then letting the elastic band snap it back into place. He glanced down.

I was sitting cross legged below him, rocking back and forth. My white dress was pulled down tightly over my knees, and every time I leaned back, the fuzzy white sheep ears my mother had pinned to my pig tails wobbled, almost falling off my head. A wicked grin came onto Travis's face.

"And here we go," my mom sighed.

He sneakily bent down and yanked on the end of my pigtail, quickly standing back up and looking nonchalant as I whipped around to see who had pulled my hair. I slowly turned back around.

On the video, my mom could be heard hissing "What does he think he's doing? Knock it off."

He gleefully repeated his sneak attack. This time my six year old self looked upwards and put two and two together. I jammed an elbow into his leg. He threw his hands up in an expression of mock innocence. I turned back around and resumed my rocking. Then he leaned down and yanked on both of my pigtails as hard as he could.

With a squeal, I jumped to my feet and gave him a hard push. Since he was four years older than me and twenty five pounds heavier, it didn't do much. Nevertheless, he returned my shove, which made m topple over backwards. The poor woman reading the Christmas Story tried to keep going, but all of the children were now in absolute chaos. I picked myself up off the ground and tried to fling myself back at Travis but was stopped by Ros. She caught me around the middle and pulled me back right as I clenched my tiny fists on Travis's robe. This ended up pulling him forward, and knocked all three of us off balance. We went careening to the ground.

"Oh Jesus Christ," my mother said from off camera. Loud chuckles could be heard from the watching crowd of parents. Rosalind struggled back to her feet, almost falling back down as she became tangled up in her Virgin Mary put a hand on each of our chests and forced us apart, effectively ending the squabble.

Or so she thought, because at that moment I brought my leg up as high as I could and kicked Travis square in the junk. The crowd laughed as his mouth fell open, his hands diving between his legs as he fell to his knees. I turned and threw my arms around Ros, burying my face in her stomach.

The video camera swung around to capture my mother, her mouth hanging open in blank shock. She brought a hand up to her forehead and sighed deeply, before turning to address the operator of the camera. "We're never going to be able to come back here." she deadpanned before the video cut off.

"And we never did." she said from her spot on the couch.

"For the record, no one ever made JJ apologize for that." Travis said with a sniff.

"Apologize? You deserved every bit of it!"

"Excuse me! I was unfairly attacked; we still don't know if I can have kids."

"Unfairly?" I spluttered. "We have it on tape!"

"I'm just saying, I deserve an apology."

"Oh I'll give you an apology." I brought a my hand up to give him a rude gesture, but was stopped by a look from my mom.

"It's a hard life," Travis continued, fully embracing the fake tears, "attacked from all sides, with no one in my corner." I rolled my eyes. He licked his finger and leaned over from the armchair, jamming his wet finger into my ear.

I squealed and squirmed away. He jumped up from his chair and began to tickle me, not giving me a second to breathe. "Stop it!" I yelled between giggles. In our struggle, we sent snacks and remotes flying.

"I deserve an apology!" he insisted.

"Never!" He picked me up from the couch and threw me over his shoulder, spinning me around as I pounded on his back.

"Oh Travis, please be careful- Watch her head!" called my mother from beside Mark.

"Don't drop her." echoed Lindsey.

He came to a sudden stop and pulled me from my position over his shoulder so that he holding me bridal style.

"Don't drop her?" he asked, his face the picture of innocence. "You mean like this?" I clawed to hold onto his neck as he fake let go, letting me drop a few inches before catching me again.

Lindsey lobbed a throw pillow at us and he dropped to his knees, feigning an injury. "I've… been… shot." Then he dumped me to the floor, resuming his tickling.

"Stop," I laughed, "Stop!"

"Daddy look! Look at me!" Everyone in the room froze, then turned to look at the TV. The disc of home videos had continued to play during our wrestling, and it had switched to one of me, standing in the middle of a soccer field. It was from the summer following the Nativity scene fiasco. I was now missing both of my front teeth.

Travis pulled back and sat on his heels and I pushed myself up to be supported by my elbows, neither of us taking our eyes from the screen.

"I'm watching baby, let's see it." came his voice from behind the camera. I ran forward and gave the soccer ball a good, strong kick. It went sailing a short distance before sinking into the goal. I turned around and threw my hands up in the air.

"I did it, Daddy!"

"I… I forgot. I'm sorry, I should have gone through and taken stuff out…" Mark said from the couch. He sat forward and began to frantically look around for the remote to skip the video.

"No, it's… It's fine. You just… Leave it." I said. We all watched as I ran back over to where he was standing.

"I'm going to be the greatest soccer player ever!" I proudly told him.

"Better than Mia Hamm?" He said with fake shock.

I nodded. "The best ever!"

The camera's point of view dropped down lower, and rotated so that it showed both my father and I on the screen.

"When you're a big, famous soccer player, will you still remember your old man?"

"Oh Daddy," my past self giggled, "I could never forget you. Not ever!" I hugged his neck and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I love you baby."

"I love you too, Daddy." A strangled sob sounded across the living room. I turned to see my mother, frozen in her spot on the couch. Her face was split open in an expression of rage and grief I could hardly force myself to look at. She took in a ragged breath and sobbed again before propelling herself out of the room. She stormed out of the living room and through the kitchen, slamming the door to their bedroom behind her.

We sat silently for a beat, before Mark began to stand up.

"Let me go." I said quietly. I hauled myself up from the carpet and followed her. I knocked gently then cracked the door, slipping inside. She was standing in the dark, staring out one of the windows.

"I know, Mark, I know I have to pull it together, but I just-"

"Mom?"

Her shoulders sagged. "JJ."

"You… You don't have to pull it together." I mumbled.

She sniffed and took a deep breath. "Did you know… That for the longest time I was jealous of the relationship you two had? You and your dad?" She gave a halfhearted chuckle. "Ros was so independent, she didn't need anyone. Travis was such a goofball… But you and your dad were so close. I didn't know anything about soccer… I still don't really know a lot about soccer." She threw me a glance over her shoulder.

"I was jealous. Like the ugly girl at prom…"

"Mom…"

"You're my baby. My youngest. From the moment you came screaming into this world I was so deeply in love with you." She finally turned to look at me, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "I held you to my chest and I swore that I would do everything I could to protect you. To raise you to be the fierce, passionate, sweet, amazing woman I knew you could be. But I-" she pressed the back of her hand to her mouth. "The only other person I thought I could depend on to protect you and he… he…" She was overcome by tears, her body bending in half with the force of them.

"I'm sorry Jen. I just… I'm so sorry. I tried to be a good mother, I tried so hard, I did…"

I wrapped my arms around her as she cried, my face pressing into her neck as we clutched each other in the dark.


	32. Chapter 32

**(Hello! Here is Chapter 32! I need to warn you, this chapter is very graphic. If you feel that it may trigger you in any way, please please please do not read. Anyway. Here is 32.)**

The following Sunday was Christmas Eve. We spent a quiet day at home, watching holiday movies in our pajamas and snacking around. Around noon, my mom began cooking the ham and soon the entire house smelled to die for. We helped cut and peel potatoes, stirred saucepans, and mixed up the stuffing, but it was understood that this was an art form of her making, and that the more we stayed out of the way the better.

As Travis and I sat the table, he bumped his shoulder into mine.

"You doing alright?"

I smiled, placing a place mat at each chair. "Yeah. I'm okay. You?"

He smiled, "I'm good."

"Hot pan coming, watch out," my mother called as she came bustling through with the ham. We both stepped back to give her room to slide it onto the table. "Alright, as soon as you're done setting the table we should be ready to eat." She turned to my brother. "Don't take any yet, it's really hot." She went back to the kitchen.

Trav leaned forward and tried to sneak away a little piece but then yelped and put his singed fingers to his mouth.

"I told you!" she called.

"I just wanted to make sure!" he yelled back. I laughed and started adding silverware to the place settings. "Listen, Jayje?"

"Yeah?"

He nervously drummed on the back of the chair in front of him. "I'm here. Y'know, if you ever need to talk. I love you."

I blinked back at him, surprised at this departure from his normal, goofy attitude. His eyes seemed brighter than normal.

"I know," I assured him. "I know, Trav. I love you too."

Mark came in carrying the bowl of mashed potatoes, "Hot potato, hot potato!" he sang out. Travis gave my hand a quick squeeze, and we helped grab the rest of the food.

After we finished eating, we all plopped down in front of the TV to watch the A Christmas Story marathon. As Ralphie began to envision the dream sequence of saving his family from Black Bart, my mom's phone began to ring. She glanced down at the screen and then left the room to answer it. I didn't pay her any mind.

When the movie broke for commercial, Trav stood up. "Are you getting more hot chocolate?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Want to get me another cup?" I fluttered my eyelashes and held out my mug.

"No way." He said, before grabbing my cup.

"Hey…" My mom came in and leaned against the door frame. "That was your Aunt Jeanette." We all looked at her. We hadn't heard anything from my dad's family since before Thanksgiving.

"What did she want?" Travis finally asked.

"She… Well she's cleaning out your dad's apartment, I guess they're selling it. She wants… Well she wants to bring you your Christmas gifts tomorrow."

"Oh," I breathed in surprise.

"I told her I would check with both of you first, make sure that you were okay with it."

He looked over at me. "It's up you, I guess. We don't have to."

"No, it's… It's fine. Is she coming here or…?"

"She's coming here. She asked that you guys go over there but I said absolutely not. She's going to come tomorrow morning, before lunch."

The movie came back on and Travis sat back down, our hot chocolate long forgotten.

When I woke up on Christmas morning, I was filled with an acute feeling of dread that I couldn't quite justify. No one from that side of the family had contacted me since I had gone to the police, and I had assumed that I had been disowned, never to hear from any of them again. But now Aunt Jeanette was reaching out, and I wasn't sure what that meant.

We feasted on pancakes and bacon, and opened all of the gifts from Mark and my mom. We had largely gotten everything we had asked for, and we managed to talk and laugh as we sat in the living room. My mom had even teared up when she opened the bracelet the three of us had gone in together to buy.

For some unknown reason, Mark had decided to fulfill Travis's ludicrous want for a retro Nerf gun like he had as a child. The minute he unwrapped it, his eyes lit up with glee and he whipped it around and aimed it at me.

"Travis, don't you dare-" He fired it at me and I dodged out of the way.

"Travis Matthew, do not shoot-"

He pivoted back around and shot a Nerf ball at Lindsey who didn't duck in time.

"Hey!"

"Mark why in the world-"

"Incoming!" Travis fired another shot at me, and I batted it away with the box of shin guards Lindsey had gotten me.

"Ha! Missed."

The doorbell rang. We all froze. My mom went to answer the door and we scrambled to put the living room in some semblance of order.

"I'm going to go upstairs, if anyone needs me." Lindsey said gently, excusing herself from the room.

"Yeah, General Patton and I are going to retire back to our quarters," said Mark, picking up the biography he had received my mom.

My mom and Aunt Jeanette came in from the entryway. I always forgot how much she looked like my dad until she was in the same room as me. They had the same blue eyes that crinkled up in the corners, the same thin nose. Her tawny blonde hair was held in a giant clip on the back of her head. She carried two bags full of gifts.

"Hello, hello!" she called in her flat, Wisconsin accent. My mom helped her with her coat.

"Hi Aunt Jeanette," said Travis, giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Hey there, Trav. How's school?"

"It's good! Just three semesters left."

"Good honey. You stay in school, get that education." She turned to me. "JJ." She opened her arms and pulled me into a hug, but the smile on her face didn't quite meet her eyes.

"Hi Aunt Jeanette."

"I'm going to get another cup of coffee, would you like one, Jeanie?"

"No Sandy, I'm fine, thanks. Besides, I don't expect to be here that long."

She took a seat on the couch and patted next to her, looking at Travis. He sat down where she indicated and I curled up in the armchair.

"So… he had bought the presents but he never got the chance to wrap them… But I did! Here, I sorted them." She pushed one of the bags towards me, the other towards Travis. We began to rip into the gifts, showing each other what we had gotten.

"Oh wow, this is amazing," said Travis, holding up a Bluetooth speaker.

"It should hook up to your phone no problem."

"Oh my goodness." I had just unwrapped a small box. Inside was a silver, heart-shaped locket. On the front were engraved the words 'Forever in my Heart.'It dangled from my fingers. I could feel both Aunt Jeanette and Travis staring at me.

"It's… It's beautiful." I finally choked out.

"Here. Let me put it on you."

"I don't know if…" began Travis.

"Let's have a look." She pulled me to my feet and stood me in front of the mirror on the wall. She took it from my limp hand and came to stand behind me. My hands held my hair out of the way on autopilot and it settled against my chest like a metal anvil.

"Now don't you look pretty." She said, meeting my eyes in the mirror. "Your father obviously cares about you a lot." She said in an even voice.

I turned and came back to my chair. "Travis, what else did you get?"

"He's really… Very hurt by this."

"Aunt Jeanette-" Travis tried to cut her off but she continued.

"We all are. We just don't understand why you've chosen to do this."

"Chosen what?"

"Chosen to start these ridiculous lies." Her voice took on a hard, angry tint.

"You can't-"

"Hush up, Travis. Now young lady, I've known you since you were born, I rocked you in my arms, I loved you just like I did my own daughters. I never would have believed you would be capable of spreading filth about your father, not in a million years."

"I'm-"

"I'm not through. Now you father is my little brother, there are very few people in this world who I know better, and there is absolutely no way he would do something like this."

"Leave her-"

"Travis, just let her-"

"Why are you doing this? Were you bored? What your family hasn't had enough heartbreak in one lifetime? What turned you into such a miserable, attention seeking little bitch?"

"I don't-" my voice cracked as I became more and more upset.

"Quiet! You spoiled, selfish little brat," her words seemed to hit me like knives, "you don't know a damn thing about abuse. You never knew our Momma, Ronnie made sure you never met the woman. She was mean, downright cruel. Meaner to him than he ever could have deserved. Hell, we both got smacked around seven days to Sunday. And in almost sixteen years, I never saw him lay a finger on you. He took care of his family, he's a good man."

Something inside of me seemed to snap. In one instant I went from upset, cowering under her sharp words, nearing tears, to being filled with white hot anger. It was the type of anger that crackled and fizzled just below the surface of my skin. I jumped to my feet.

"He's not! What, he never hit me so he's incapable of doing anything wrong? New flash: he did hit me. He slapped me right across the face because I tried to stand up to him."

"He did not-"

"But that's not why I went to the police. You want to know why I went to the police?"

"I don't-"

"He raped me." As the words seemed to reverberate in the air. I could see Travis's face pale from his spot on the couch, but her face didn't even flicker.

"You're lying."

"I'm lying? Why would I-"

"You are lying." she insisted.

The words came pouring out of me, I wanted to destroy her. "He came into my bedroom. He would get drunk and watch ESPN while I waited in the darkness. He held me down and shoved his hand down my pants and when I began to cry he covered my mouth with his hand until it felt like I was going to choke on my own tongue."

"I won't listen to you-"

"The time that he slapped me? He knocked me to the carpet in the living room and got on top of me, and when he was done I had marks on my body for days. But you know what was the best? The time he really, what did you say, 'took care of his family?' Let's talk about Thanksgiving break."

I knew on some level that Travis was hearing this, my wonderful, strong big brother was hearing all of the dirtiness I was spitting at her, and that it was hurting him but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was so sick of hurting, I needed someone, anyone to hurt the way that I was hurting.

"He turned me over and pressed my face so hard into the mattress that I couldn't breathe; I thought I was going to die, underneath my father, like a piece of garbage! I was so sore the next day, I kept checking my underwear to make sure I wasn't bleeding. So don't you tell me my father is a good man. You don't know the half of it ."

It felt like the entire world had come to a burning halt around us. My chest heaved as she narrowed her eyes even further.

"You're disgusting. You're a disgusting little girl who is dragging her father's name through the mud after he has done nothing but love you and-"

"Jeanie I think it's time for you to go." My mother was standing in the doorway. There was no telling how much of that she had heard.

"Sandy. Sandra don't tell me you believe this, you were married to him for how many years for God's sake-"

"It's time for you to leave," my mother repeated. She took a few steps in to the room before drawing herself up to her full height. "Oh and another thing? If you ever come near us, or talk to my daughter ever again, it's me you'll be dealing with."

"Sandy-"

"Get the fuck out of my house, Jeanette." My aunt spluttered at her, then snatched up her purse from the sofa, grabbing her coat from the entryway before slamming the door behind her.

The adrenaline in my body seemed to suddenly plummet and suddenly my entire body was shaking. My mom helped guide me to the couch and I tried to breathe.

"It's okay… It's okay…" My hand scrabbled at my neck and when I felt the chain of the locket I pulled as hard as I could, breaking it. But when I looked down at my hand, I found not only the locket, but also the horseshoe charm that I had inherited from Rosalind. They both glittered in my hand, chains dangling loosely. It was only then that everything hit me like a hurricane, and the tears began. My mom pulled me into her embrace, and the Travis came to her other side. She wrapped her arms around the two of us, and the three of us sat and cried, the discarded Christmas paper laying about us like shrapnel.


	33. Chapter 33

**Hello. Another very emotional, angsty chapter.)**

No one brought up the awful things I had yelled at Aunt Jeanette. Once Mom, Travis, and I had cried ourselves out, we stayed in our position on the couch, clutching each other close until the rumbling of our stomachs forced us to move. As we mechanically removed leftovers from the fridge and heated up our plates, Lindsey and Mark came downstairs. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered how much they had heard of my outburst, and shame slunk low in my stomach.

The next morning, Travis accompanied me on my morning run. We didn't say anything as we jogged up and down the cold streets, our feet sliding a bit on icy patches. Our breath clouded the air in front of us, making it seem as if we were closed off from each other. On the third loop, I came to a stop and brought my hands above my head.

"You good?" he asked.

"I'm ready to head back."

"Aw come on, you're calling it quits after only three miles? What a wuss!" he grinned.

I leaned forward, hands on my knees, and focused on catching my breath. "I want to go home."

The smile slid from his face. "Oh… Alright. Yeah, we're done."

He glanced around the neighborhood as we walked back to the house. "This neighborhood is weird."

"Why do you say that?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. All the big, two story houses with their identical layouts, their Home Owners' Association approved siding, their lawns that are well manicured, even in the middle of winter. It all feels so… showy. Fake."

I had had the same thought. "It's so quiet. Some of our neighbors have kids but I feel like I never see them, like they don't actually exist."

"No bikes thrown down in driveways."

"No yards covered in toys. It's too clean here."

We let ourselves in through the front door. "Wanna watch TV? I bet there's a game on," he asked.

"I'm gonna take a shower, then I need to do some reading for school." I climbed the stairs, leaving him standing alone in the entryway.

A few hours later, I was lying on my bed reading To Kill a Mockingbird. Or rather, I had it open in front of me. In actuality I was staring at the sky outside my window, relishing in a calm blank that had come over my mind.

There was a timid knock on my door and it cracked open. Lindsey poked her head in. "Hey Jayje. You hungry? We're busting out the leftovers."

I burrowed deeper into my hoodie. "I'm okay, thanks."

"Are you sure? I'll fix you a plate and bring it up."

I shook my head. "I'm really not hungry."

"Okay." There was a beat as she looked around. "I haven't been in here since you painted. It looks nice."

"Thanks."

"The teal is nice against your furniture."

"Thanks." I repeated, eyes still on my book.

"Okay… Well, if you get hungry, come down." She said awkwardly before pulling the door shut again.

I shivered and pulled my blanket over me. I was so cold; it was like no matter what I did I couldn't get warm. I ear marked my page and closed my book. I let my eyes close with a sigh. I didn't feel like talking anyone. I just wanted to sleep.

My mom caught me before she left for work the next day. "Dr. Blake's office called to confirm, your appointment is today at two."

I fixed myself a cup of coffee, stirring in creamer and sugar hypnotically slow.

"I don't really feel like going," I told her.

"Why do you say that?"

"I just don't. I want to stay home."

"I thought you really liked her?"

"It's not that, Mom. I'm just tired. I don't feel good."

She pressed a kiss to my forehead. "I understand that, but you're going anyways. I know therapy isn't fun, I know it hurts to talk, but you have to go. Have Lindsey go with you and you can get in some practice driving."

She smoothed back my hair then went about gathering her things. "I'll see you when I get home. Have something other than coffee for breakfast."

"Bye." I called as she rushed out the front door. Then I took my mug and retreated back upstairs.

When Travis woke up, we went out for our run then I once again barricaded myself in my room. My plan was to keep myself out of sight and out of mind, hoping Lindsey would get sucked so far into her law books that we would miss my appointment. No such luck.

' **Don't forget! 2 pm!'** read the text my mom sent both of us around 1:30. I groaned and forced myself out of bed. I pulled on a sweater and leggings and went downstairs.

"Wanna drive?" she asked.

"No I'm okay."

"You need the practice, kid. If only for the rest of our sakes," Travis jabbed from the living room.

I didn't respond, but took the keys she offered to me. "You sure you don't wanna drive?" I asked as I unlocked the door to her tiny, silver Honda.

"I have complete faith in you. You're going to be fine." I got behind the wheel and gently pulled away from the curb, slowly driving out of the cul-de-sac.

Once I had gotten us safely to Dr. Blake's office building, I parked and we both got out. As she came around to get in the driver's seat I asked, "So what are you going to do for the next hour?"

"Not sure. I may hit up the bookstore. But then again, I feel like I've done nothing but read for the past couple days. Maybe I'll go get a mani/pedi. Unless you want me to wait? We could go together when you're done?"

Her voice was so hopeful that I couldn't help but feel a little bad as I turned her down. "No, that's okay. You go."

"Alright, well, I'll be back around three."

"Okay."

I watched her drive away then sluggishly made my way up to Dr. Blake's office.

Her office was warm, but I still couldn't stop shivering as I took my spot in her chair.

"Hi JJ, how are you today?"

"I'm alright."

"That's good. Do you want to take off your coat? I can turn up the heat if you're chilly."

"No, I'm fine."

"Okay." She paused. "How was your Christmas?"

Flashes of my mom crying her bedroom, of Aunt Jeanette yelling at me from across the living room, of me yelling back, filled my mind's eye.

"It was okay. We ate a lot."

"What did you eat?"

"My mom made a ham and all the traditional foods. Lots of sweets."

"That sounds yummy. My husband tried to fry us a turkey, but ended up burning it, so we had Chinese food."

I gave her a small smile.

"You seem a little down today."

I shrugged. "I'm just really tired."

"Did you stay up late last night?"

"No. I went to bed at like ten."

"Did you get up earlier than usual?"

"Not really."

She nodded. "It sounds like you got plenty of sleep, then. Any idea why you're tired?"

"Nope."

She marked something down. "Did you have a nightmare last night?" I shook my head. "Do you have nightmares other nights?"

"Sometimes."

"What about?"

"They change. But I'm usually underground for some reason. I can't breathe."

"Like you've been buried alive?"

"Sometimes, yeah."

"Do you ever dream about people?"

I shrugged, letting my eyes scan the volume of books on the bookshelves behind her. "Sometimes. Like I said, they change."

She shifted in her chair, pulling one of her legs underneath her. "Are your brother and stepsister still in town?"

"Yeah. Travis is going back on Saturday. Lindsey's leaving Monday afternoon. She drove with me here."

"Why?"

"I only have my permit. I have to have someone over 21 with me in the car. After I get enough hours I'll take the driving test."

"Would you say that you and Lindsey get along?"

"Yeah. I mean, we're not super close. She's five years older than me, and really serious. She's attending law school in Cleveland. But she's nice. She's the one who took me to do my written test, and then we…"

"Then you what?"

"She went with me to the arraignment."

She raised her eyebrows. "I didn't know you went."

"Yeah well… I hadn't planned on it. But we were already at the courthouse and so I just… figured why not."

"That must have been tough."

"It wasn't so bad."

"Did you see your father?"

"Yeah."

"Did he say anything to you?"

"He… Yeah. He apologized. He asked me to forgive him…"

"Is that all?"

"He told me that he loves me."

She nodded. "That can be rough to hear."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, something that had been bothering me for a while now bubbling to the surface.

"Did you know that one of the detectives on my case came to our house? To tell us what was happening?"

"You mentioned it. You didn't go into details."

"She was really nice. When she was leaving, I… I pulled her aside and asked if my dad had mentioned Ros." She didn't say anything, instead just giving me a moment to decide whether or not to continue. "He says he didn't hurt her. Not like how he hurt me."

She took a deep breath. "Wow."

"I just don't understand why he won't admit it. I mean, he's already on trial, he did the guilty plea, why won't he just say that he hurt Ros?"

"Well… Have you considered that maybe he didn't?"

I furrowed my brow and looked back at her. "What?"

"Maybe your father didn't abuse Rosalind."

"But… no. He must have. That's why she killed herself. She was my age, it makes sense. And plus, if he's just… a, a sick freak like this, a pedophile, he must have. He wouldn't have been able to stop himself."

She looked as if she was choosing her words very carefully. "I don't know that I would call your father a pedophile."

"Are you saying this is a normal father-daughter thing?" I scoffed.

"No, no, that's not what I'm saying at all." She took another breath. "A pedophile is someone who feels strong sexual attraction to a child, generally between the ages of five and nine. Someone attracted to adolescents who are going through puberty, ages ten to thirteen, are called hebophiles. An attraction to people in their teens is called ephebophilia, but we honestly don't talk about it much because there's not a lot of data on it."

"So he's a… ephe… what?"

She shook her head. "No, JJ. Your father is what's known as a regressed sex offender."

"…what?"

"To be a pedophile or hebophile, one has a predisposed sexual attraction to children. Your father was married to an adult woman for many years, was able to have children, and had an altogether healthy relationship. Regressed sex offenders know what they're doing is wrong, and they're often so racked with guilt about it that they don't know what to do with themselves."

"Then why?"

"There's a disconnect. Something happens to spawn a sort of disconnect between the offender and his partner, he feels unappreciated, unloved. He feels that the only person who truly loves him is the victim of his attack, most often his child. There's a strong bond, one that he grows by nurturing and loving his child. And then bam, there's something called a stressor. He's in a time of emotional crisis, and acts out in violence."

I sat in my chair with what she was telling me. "So… But then what happened? Why? What was his stressor?"

She lifted her shoulders gently. "We honestly may never know. From reading your police statement, I think it was probably your mom wanting to take you away for the weekend."

It felt like the room was spinning around me. "But… I don't…"

"When your parents got divorced, it was pretty mutual. They understood that it needed to happen and acted accordingly. But what he wasn't prepared for was her finding someone new and getting remarried. He probably felt abandoned, like everything was slipping away."

"Wait…" I took a deep breath. "If my parents wouldn't have gotten a divorce, this wouldn't have happened?"

"We can't know for sure. They still would have been unhappy; he probably would have still felt like you were the only one who understood him."

"What if Ros hadn't killed herself?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's like you said, a lot of parents get a divorce after their child dies because it hurts the marriage. So what if Ros hadn't killed herself? If that hadn't broken my parents up, if that hadn't led to my mom marrying Mark, would this still have happened?"

"We don't know. It's dangerous to play the 'What If?' game, JJ. No amount of dissection or contemplation or blame can change the past. If anything it just makes the present and future more difficult."

I nodded. "Alright."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

She wrote something down in my file, and then we sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Are you still cold?"

"Yes."

I curled my fingers beneath my legs. "My Aunt Jeanette came on Christmas Day."

"And she's your-"

"My dad's sister."

"Did something happen?"

"She brought us our Christmas presents."

"And?"

"We got in a fight."

"What did she say?"

"She called me a liar, a bitch."

"What did you do?"

"I yelled back. I was just… so angry that I just started yelling and I told her everything. I practically rubbed her nose in it."

"Why?"

I took a second to think. "I just… I feel like almost every moment of every day I spend getting slapped in the face by what happened. I forget for a little while and then just like that, it's back. I wanted someone else to have it. It almost felt like if I threw it at her I wouldn't have it any more."

"Did it work?"

"No. But my brother heard. So did my mom. I was trying to hurt her but instead I just hurt my family. I yelled about everything, even Thanksgiving."

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Like what?"

"When you talk about the abuse. You always separate out Thanksgiving break. Why is that?"

My stomach began to ache. "I don't know."

"Well think about it. What was different?"

"Nothing."

"JJ, I don't think you're being honest with either one of us."

I let out a sharp exhale. "I just… He… It was different."

"How?"

"He… I was already asleep when he came. I had been asleep for a couple of hours, and I had turned over onto my stomach." I stopped but she didn't say anything. "When… When I woke up he was there. On top of me. And I tried to turn over, but then he grabbed my hair and pushed my face down into my pillow. He pulled me up onto my knees and…"

"So it was very different."

"Yeah. I… I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything. It felt like I was going to die."

"Is that all that was different?"

My eyes flooded with tears and my face bloomed red. "What? Is that not good enough for you?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"That's not why I'm asking."

"Then why are you asking?" I spat.

"Because leaving it inside and refusing to talk about it won't make it go away."

I stared her down.

"I can't force you to tell me, JJ. But it's the only thing that will let you heal someday."

I broke our eye contact and looked back up at her books. "There… I…" I took a deep breathe. "I…" My voiced cracked. "I don't know how to say it." I finally got out.

"You don't have to worry about saying it in the right way. Take your time."

My heart pounded in my chest. "I… towards the end, my body it just… it just…"

A look of understanding came into her eyes. "You had an orgasm."

I squeezed my eyes shut as my face crumpled. "I don't know why," I sobbed. "Why? It hurt so bad, and I was crying, and I just… I don't understand!"

"It's something that happens sometimes. If someone cut you, and you bled, would you be upset at your body for bleeding?" I didn't answer her. "What about if someone slipped poison into your food? You wouldn't be angry that you started puking. It's a natural reaction. It doesn't mean that you enjoyed it."

"I didn't! I hated it! I wanted to die."

"It's not something you should feel ashamed about." I didn't know what to say, so I just took the tissue she offered me and wiped my face. "Unfortunately, that's our hour. But I'll see you next week, okay? Same time?"

I nodded and stood up. She did the same. "There are going to be bad days, JJ. More than good ones probably, at this point. But it's okay. You are allowed to have bad days. The most important thing to remember is that you're not alone in this. Don't allow yourself to drown when there are so many people on the shore, just waiting for you to call out for help."

"Thanks."

"Alright. Have a good New Year's, and get home safe."

Lindsey wasn't there yet, so I leaned against the outside of the building. This was the first time I had told anyone about what had happened in its full entirety. The shame and guilt and disgust sloshed around my insides until my body couldn't take it any longer and I turned and retched onto the grass. Nothing came up but coffee and stomach bile, and the acrid taste burned my throat and nose.

I leaned back against the building and wiped underneath my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to go home, get back in bed, and go to sleep forever.


	34. Chapter 34

**(Chapter 34, whoop whoop! Not quite as angsty this time around. Hope you enjoy!)**

I had done just that when I got home, firmly shutting my door on Travis and Lindsey's offers to hang out. I knew they were worried, but I just couldn't handle the thought of talking to anyone. I clicked on a random show on Netflix and let it play in the background, staring at the ceiling as the light crossed my ceiling and shadows loomed. My mom came in when she got home from work, but I shut my eyes and ignored her soft voice, feigning sleep. She had eventually retreated back downstairs, and I returned to staring at nothing in particular until I really did fall asleep.

The next morning when I got up, my entire body felt shaky and weak. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything yesterday other than the coffee I'd had that morning. The thing was I really wasn't hungry. I had no desire to do anything, only sleep.

When I got downstairs, my mom was sitting at the kitchen table, looking over some documents.

"Why aren't you at work?" I asked as I sat in one of the chairs opposite her, wrapping myself around my knees.

"I'm taking the morning to work from home." She crossed to the coffee pot and poured a cup, bringing it to me with the bottle of creamer and sugar bowl. "Alright sweetie, what do you want for breakfast?"

I fixed the cup of coffee just how I liked it. "Don't worry about it. I'm not really hungry. I'll find something later."

"Humor me; I'll make you something now. We have cereal, oatmeal, I can make eggs if you want."

"Mom…"

"Jen." I looked over to where she was standing, leaning against the fridge. "You have to eat. What do you want?"

I sighed. "Just… eggs, I guess."

"Great!" she grabbed a pan from the draining board. "You want scrambled?"

"Sure." I looked out the window. "Is it supposed to snow today?"

"Not until later tonight, but we're expecting over three inches."

"That'll make tomorrow's run nice and fun."

She slid a plate of scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon in front of me. She took her own plate back to her chair.

"It's good you're staying up on your conditioning over the break, but remember to let your body rest, okay? A rolled ankle won't help next season."

I nodded as I slowly picked up my fork. "I know."

I brought a bite of scrambled eggs to my lips and as soon as I tasted them, a ravenous hunger seemed to bloom in my stomach. I groaned.

"Hungrier than you realized?" she asked.

I swallowed and grabbed a piece of toast. "Yeah, I guess so."

We sat together, eating. Once our plates were cleared, I stayed in my seat instead of going back up stairs.

"What are you looking at?" I asked, referring to the papers in front of her.

"There's a tire company from Philadelphia that's looking into expanding into other rubber products. They're considering building the new plant here in town and I'm trying to find the right plot of land for them."

"Oh wow. That sounds stressful."

She shrugged. "Not really. It's all a matter of just finding the right fit. Simple as buying a new shirt." She gave me a smile.

"I got an email from the school. They want us to sign up to take the ACTs in February."

"Is it that time already? Good grief. This year has really flown by." She stood and crossed to the calendar hanging on the wall. "What day?"

"Uh the 23rd I think? It's the last Saturday."

"The 24th then." She carefully penciled in 'JJ-ACTs' onto the day. "Are you going to need any sort of prep book? We can get you one for your birthday."

I gave her a small smile. "Well even though that would be the most exciting seventeenth birthday present ever, there's all sorts of practice tests online that I can take."

"Alright, well just let me know." She set her papers to the side. "I know that life has been… crazy, but have you thought any about colleges? Are there any you're especially interested in, any you want to visit?"

"I mean… Not really. I was really interested in University of Pittsburgh when I thought they were interested in me, but I guess that's not going to happen."

"Don't count them out. After all they said they were interested in beginning a relationship, nothing has been decided. No others?"

"I don't know. I mean I love the U Conn soccer program."

"Have you thought about SUNY Buffalo? Linds really liked it."

I shrugged. "Not really."

"Well what about Penn? We should go check it out, visit Travis, finally meet this mythical Grace he's always talking about."

"That could be a lot of fun, yeah."

"Great! I'll talk to your brother, see when a good time would be."

"Sure."

She got up and refilled her cup of coffee, topping off mine as well. "Have you thought about potential majors? That'll effect what we need to tour."

I groaned. "No. I have no idea what I want to do."

"That's okay. I was undeclared when I started at Trinity."

"Yeah, and then you dropped out after two semesters."

"Yes but that had less to do with the fact that I was undeclared and more to do with the fact that I was knocked up with Rosalind and furiously throwing together a shotgun wedding," she said with a rueful smile.

"Do you regret any of it?" I asked, watching her closely.

She paused. "If you had asked me that a month ago, I would have said absolutely not. But now… I'm not as sure."

She met my eyes and we shared a brief moment before it was broken by Travis stumbling into the kitchen.

"Need… coffee… now!" he croaked out as he threw himself into the chair beside me .

"Good grief," my mother chuckled as she poured him a cup. "Here you go, you massive drama queen."

He took a sip and sighed. "The nectar of the gods. I will live to see another day."

I rolled my eyes. "Are you ready to go out for our run?"

He groaned. "Can this be our rest day? I'm so tired, and the Celtics are playing today."

I wrinkled my forehead. "That game isn't until like seven o' clock tonight."

"Exactly. It's eleven now, which the perfect time to start preparing."

The doorbell rang and my mom got up to answer it. "Fine you're off the hook, I'll go run without you."

"No, don't go without me, then I'll feel guilty. If neither of us run, then it's mutual."

"What, no! Just because you're lazy butt doesn't-"

"Look who came over!" We both turned to face my mom, who was standing next to a nervous looking Will. My hands immediately tried to comb through my hair, aware that I hadn't showered in a few days.

"Will! Hi."

"Hey."

Travis looked back and forth between us. "Uh… I'm Travis, since Miss Rude apparently isn't going to introduce anyone."

I snapped out of it. "Yeah, this is Travis, my brother. This is Will."

"So Will are you… a classmate? A study buddy?"

Will glanced over at me and let out an uneasy chuckle. "Boyfriend, actually."

I could feel my cheeks flushing a bit as Travis's eyebrows raised. "So what's up?" I blurted before Travis could say anything potentially mortifying.

"Well, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out today. If you didn't already have plans. I was thinking maybe we could go ice skating? I've never been, there's not exactly a lot of ice in Louisiana, so I thought maybe you could, you know. Teach me."

I opened my mouth a few times before gathering my thoughts. My first instinct was to say no, and spend another afternoon upstairs in bed, but the look on his face was so nervous and earnest, I couldn't bring myself to turn him down.

"Okay. That… That could be fun. Yeah." His face broke out in a wide smile. "I'm definitely not ready though. I need to shower. If you wanted to come back in like an hour?"

"He can stay here and wait," supplied Travis. "We'll watch ESPN while you get ready."

I glanced uneasily between both of them. "Are… you sure?"

"Yeah! It'll be so much fun!" Travis pushed back from the table, suddenly looking much more energized.

"I actually better head into the office," Mom said as she also stood up.

"Really? You can't stay for just a little longer and… moderate?"

"I have a lunch meeting. But it'll be fine, because Travis knows how to behave himself." She said as she gave him a pointed look.

"But of course! Nothing else." He began to lead Will into the living room. "Actually, before we turn on ESPN, I have the greatest video to show you. Have you ever seen JJ in red lipstick?"

My mom pressed a kiss to my cheek. "The sooner you shower, the sooner you can leave," she reminded me.

I darted up the stairs to jump in the shower.

Ice skating turned out to be a lot of fun. Will hadn't been joking when he said he had no idea what he was doing. He had clutched my hand in his as he wobbled along, the other hand holding onto the edge of the rink for dear life. Slowly but surely I had coaxed him away, but right as he finally started to get a hold of it, a group of young boys sped by, sending him flat onto his butt, pulling me with him. I managed to get back onto my feet, but every time I tried to help him up our difference in sizes would result in me being pulled back down onto the ice. He finally crawled back to the edge and hauled himself up as I nearly cried with laughter.

"It's not my fault I grew up somewhere with no seasons!" he cried. "Just you wait, Jennifer Jareau, you come down to the bayou and we'll go water skiing. Then we'll see who's laughing."

I just giggled and began to skate around in front of him, showing off by doing little jumps and turns.

"Alright, we get it, you're good at literally everything. Rub it in a little." he called with a smile. I skated over and stopped in front of him. He tucked my hair behind my ear and leaned in to give me a kiss. I turned at the last second so that he caught my cheek instead.

He took my hand. "Are you ready to head home?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I am."

We held hands the whole way home. As always he walked me up the door.

"Would it be okay if I kissed you?" he asked, looking into my eyes.

"I… Not right now." I could see the understanding in his eyes, but I made myself laugh it off anyway. "Knowing Travis he's probably ready to yank open the door and scare us."

"Okay, that's fine. I had a really nice time, JJ. Thanks for being a great teacher."

I laughed. "Well, I don't know how good I was seeing as you spent most of your time on your ass, but…"

He laughed. "That's cold. But also true. I'll see you around, okay?"

"Yeah. Goodnight, Will."

"Night, Jayje."

I let myself back inside. Sure enough, Travis was at the living room window, peering out the curtain as Will made his way back to his truck.

"You are so nosy," I chided.

"I'm just taking my job as older brother very seriously. I've never been one to shirk my responsibilities. How was ice skating?"

"Well, he's probably not going to make the Olympic trials next year."

"Ugh. Cut him loose. Useless." He flopped down on the couch, and I did the same, lifting my feet so that they were resting on his lap.

"But seriously… How was it?"

I shrugged. "It was nice. Will is… great. I mean it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." We both watched the pre game announcers on the TV. "We're taking everything really slow. Super slow."

"That's good." He patted my leg. "I'll kick his ass if I need to."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

Friday passed uneventfully. Just as Mom had said, we woke up to several inches of snow, so Travis and I had decided to skip our morning run again. Lindsey had taken a day's break from her books and the three of us went outside and played around in the snow until we couldn't feel out fingers or toes. We watched stupid movies and ate loads of junk food. We didn't talk about anything of importance, and pretended like nothing bad had happened.

Early Saturday morning, we went out for our final run before he headed back to Penn State then I helped him carry all of his stuff to his car. I loaded the last bag into his back seat and started to go back inside, but he stopped me. He leaned against the side of his car, looking up at the house and patted next to him. I leaned against the car.

"You know you can call me right? No matter what happens here? I don't care what time of day or night. If you have a fight with Mom, you're having problems at school, you want me to punch Will in the face," I snorted, "anything. Please call me. Just because I'm not here physically doesn't mean I don't care." He took a deep breath. "The anniversary of Ros's death is coming up. So is your birthday, and they're both going to be rough. I know… I know I have this reputation for being some class clown, not taking anything serious, but… I love you JJ. You're my baby sister, and I will do anything it takes to help you get through this. Anything. I love you."

He pulled me in for a hug, and I squeezed him back tightly. "I love you too, Trav. And I will, I'll call. I promise." I pulled back and we smiled at each other. "But seriously, you don't have to worry about Will. He's great. He's so good to me. Plus Mark has the intimidation factor down already."

"Mark?!" he asked.

"Yeah," I laughed. "He came over to see me after… After everything and Mark was not having it. He went into protective dad mode and practically shut the door in his face until I told him it was okay."

He gave a mock serious sigh. "And just like that, I've been out-intimidated by a loan officer. I should just throw in the towel now."

I chuckled. "You probably should, yeah."

He pulled me in for another hug. "I love you, kid. I really do."


	35. Chapter 35

**(Chapter 35!)**

I woke up early on New Year's Eve, before the sun had fully risen. I tossed and turned in my bed, trying desperately to get back to sleep, but had no luck. I finally gave up and wrapped myself in a blanket then headed downstairs.

No one else was up so I made coffee, leaning against the counter as I waited. School started back on Wednesday, and I felt completely unprepared. Ms. Prentiss had wanted us to read three books from the list she provided along with To Kill a Mockingbird, but I hadn't. With everything that had been going on, getting through Harper Lee's novel had been a struggle enough. I had finally finished the day after Travis had left. I had ended up really liking the book, it was beautiful to read, but I was dreading discussing it in class. I knew that we would obviously have to talk about the rape trial, and Mayella being abused by her father. It didn't take a genius to realize that my classmates were going to draw quick parallels between the Ewell family and my own. Even just anticipating the stares and comments in the safety of my own kitchen made my stomach ache.

The coffee pot beeped and I poured myself a cup. I could probably read one more novel from the list before school began. Perhaps I could go ahead and choose the other two and read them while we were working on To Kill a Mockingbird. Normally, I would never be that kind of student, but the entire world seemed turned upside down lately. I took the list from off the fridge and brought it with me to the dining room table. I had read The Diary of Anne Frank when I was younger, maybe that could be one of my three. As for the other two, I had no idea.

My phone chimed, signaling a text from Pen.

' **Hey! Are we still on for NYE?! My mom and I are doing fondue!'**

I smiled and typed out a quick reply.

' **I'll be there. What time?'**

I only had to wait a few moments for her reply.

' **I'll pick you up at 8 pm sharp! Ps. Bring stretchy pajamas, we're gonna eat our weight in melted chocolate and cheese'**

I laughed and shook my head. It was sure to be an eventful night.

"Good morning, what are you doing up so early?" Mark shuffled across the kitchen in his terry bath robe.

"I've been up for a few hours. I couldn't sleep."

He brought his cup of coffee to the table and took a seat opposite me.

"Whatchya looking at?"

"Oh it's just the reading list for English. I was supposed to read three books off of it, but instead I kind of…"

"Had a hundred other things to deal with?" he finished.

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Can I see it?" I passed the paper to him.

"Let's see, let's see… Ooh, Beowulf. I remember reading that, I loved it." He looked at me over the list. "But… I don't think it'll really be your style. How about… Jane Eyre? You can never go wrong with the Bronte sisters."

"Well maybe if I had started reading these last semester like I was supposed to. I don't really have time now."

"Have you ever read The Handmaid's Tale?"

"No. They made a Hulu show about it, though."

"Read the book. Not that the shows not great, it is, but the book is fantastic. And it's only three hundred pages, I think. You could knock it out no problem."

"What are we knocking out?" my mom asked with a yawn as she came to stand behind Mark.

"The Handmaid's Tale. It seems our little darling might have slacked a bit on her winter break reading list."

She leaned over and rapped her arms around his neck, peering blearily at the list.

"I don't have my glasses on, what are the options?"

"Well we ruled out Jane Eyre because it's too long." I told her.

She groaned. "Oh but it's so good! 'I am no bird! And no net ensnares me!' Seriously Jayje, I think you would love it."

"What about the Scarlet Letter? That's another goodie, but a shortie."

I rolled my eyes but smiled at him. "Maybe. I'll have to look when I go to the library tomorrow. Mom, can you still take me?"

"Sure thing, sweetie." She pressed a kiss to Mark's cheek. "You know what would make this New Year's Eve morning even more perfect? French toast."

At that moment, my stomach chose to give a loud grumble. Mark gave a dramatic sigh.

"Continually used by the women in this household. You see me as nothing more than a luggage toting, toast flipping boy toy."

My mom threw a sleepy smile over her shoulder as she walked to the coffee pot. "But a very handsome boy toy."

After breakfast, I went our for a run, taking an extra loop because the wind had died down. When I got back I hopped into the shower, washing the sweat and grime from my body.

As I got dressed, a test came in from Kate.

' **Hey stranger. We still on for our FT date?'**

My stomach rolled with nerves. From the moment Kate moved to California it had been difficult for us to keep in touch. But over the past month I had withdrawn even further from her, delaying us talking about the inevitable. But it had gone on long enough. I knew it had to happen. I took a deep breath as I typed my reply.

' **Hey! Yeah. Weird question- could we actually just call? Not face-time?'**

I knew this was going to be difficult. I didn't want to have to watch her face when I told her the news.

' **Uh sure? That's fine!'**

I shut my door and sat on the edge of my bed, trying to ground myself before hitting call. She answered after just a few rings.

"Jayje! Hi!"

"Hey Kate! What's up?"

She immediately launched into everything that had been happening in her life, from boys to school, to the different extra curriculars she had been experimenting with.

"-just don't know if the theatre scene is for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had a ton of fun doing _South Pacific_ but I feel like everyone was just so serious about it. Like, not drinking soda or eating cheese and doing these weird vocal warm ups. It's just too much. But, I'm babbling on like a crazy person. What about you? What's been going on?"

My mouth was suddenly dry. "Not… Not much. Just Christmas break."

"You were with your mom for Christmas, right?"

"...Yeah."

"Did you already do your weekend with your dad? What did he get you?"

I couldn't stop my leg from jiggling up and down. "Kate, I… I need to tell you something."

"Okay. What's up?"

"My dad… He…" I took a deep breath. "He's in jail. He was arrested."

"He… What?! Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me? Holy shit. What for?"

I fixed my eyes on the door handle of my closet and forced myself to speak.

"For rape."

The line was dead silent for a moment. "Uh… We must have a funky connection because it sounded like you just said rape."

"That's because I did."

I could hear her take a breath. "Oh my god. Are you okay? Holy hell, that's insane! Don't worry, they're going to understand when they put him on trial that he would never do such a thing, Jayje. They'll realize that it was just a huge mistake and that he's innocent."

This felt akin to having every single one of my teeth pulled. "Kate. He's not."

"Not what?"

"Not innocent. He's guilty."

She gave an odd chuckle into the phone. "JJ. What? Of course he's innocent. This is your dad, we're talking about! The guy who helped us with our science experiments when we were little. He taught us how to do flips on the trampoline! I mean, this is just… And who is this girl? This girl he supposedly raped?"

My heart pounded in my chest as my last nerve finally snapped.

"Me. It was me, Kate."

She didn't say anything for what felt like hours. "You… he… What?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

"He… I think I'm going to be sick."

"Join the club," I mumbled under my breath.

"You… when? When did this happen?"

I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. "It… It started last January."

"Started? You mean… he just-"

"Yeah," I said, cutting her off.

"Oh my god. I'm… I'm so sorry, JJ. I am, I really am."

"I know," I sighed.

The rest of our call was tense and awkward. I didn't want to talk about any of the specifics, but it felt odd to try to talk about anything else. Finally, we hung up with a promise to talk later.

A dull ache settled into my chest as I went downstairs. So much had changed, and I didn't know if anything would come out the other side of this unscathed.

New Year's Eve with Penelope had proved to be fun. Tue to her word, we had eaten until it felt like we were going to die. We talked and laughed and toasted each other with sparkling cider as the ball dropped on TV. It got my mind off of everything that had happened, something I desperately needed.

The next day, my mom had driven with me to the public library. I checked out several of the books from the list, figuring I would read what I could before school started and hurry to catch up as we went. On the way back, I spotted a familiar sign.

"Hey mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay if we stop by the cemetery?"

She paused for the briefest of moments. "Of course we can. Yeah, take the next right."

"I know."

I pulled to a stop in the parking lot and she reached for her seat belt, but I stopped her.

"Would… Would it be okay if I went in on my own?"

She settled back into her seat. "Okay. Sure. I'll wait right here."

I got out of the car and made my way inside the chain link fence. I trudged down the gravel path, past the headstones decorated for Christmas. I knew the way by heart, even though I hadn't been here many times in the past five years. I let out a deep sigh as I came to a stop in front of her white headstone. I let my eyes sweep over the engraved letters.

'In loving memory of Rosalind Paige Jareau

Beautiful daughter, sister, and friend

March 20, 1995-January 24, 2012'

I stared at the polished stone, and something unexpected bubbled up within me. Instead of the grief, pain, and loss I so often felt when remembering Ros, I felt nothing but anger, and something akin to hatred.

"Why did you do it?" I asked aloud. I received no answer. "All these years we've wondered why. Why- how you could kill yourself. And then when he…" my throat felt like it was closing off. "When he started, I thought I finally had an answer. I finally understood. But now I find out that… No. He never touched you." Hot tears began to creep down my face, but I angrily wiped them away.

"He never hurt you. We're so much alike, but you got to stay whole and I didn't! What was it? Why, Ros? What was so bad in your life that you couldn't go on?" I humorless laugh ripped from my throat. I knew on some level how crazy I must look, yelling at a headstone, but I didn't care.

"And now it turns out that this is all your fault. If you hadn't died, mom and dad wouldn't have been too heartbroken to stay together. They would have stayed together, and not gotten a divorce, and Mom wouldn't have remarried, and he wouldn't have hurt me!" My voice dropped from a shout to a hiss. "When he came into my bedroom, part of me longed for you, thinking that only if you were alive you would have protected me and kept me safe. I used to fantasize about you appearing in the darkness and ripping him off of me, and carrying me far, far away. But now I know. This is as much your fault as it is his. You did this to me. It was you."

I stared down at her grave, as if daring the cold earth to offer up some sort of response. I shook my head, pushing down all of these awful feelings to a more manageable place. Then I wiped the remainders of tears from my eyes and went back to the car.

"You alright?" my mom asked gently as I checked the mirror and pulled out.

"I'm fine."

As we drove along the road to our neighborhood, the ugly feelings began to overtake me again, as if they inhabited my bloodstream. I grasped the steering wheel harder, until my knuckles were white. The long road stretched out in front of me, never ending. My breath seemed to catch in my throat and without realizing it, my foot pressed down harder on the gas. The speedometer began to inch it's way upward as I stared blankly at the road.

"That's probably fast enough," my mom commented, not really looking up from the email on her phone. I ignored her. "JJ," she tried again. She glanced over at the dashboard, where the needle was fast approaching seventy miles an hour, much too fast for a winter road.

"JJ, slow down!" she insisted, her voice frantic. Still I went faster. I needed to escape, I needed to leave, I needed to leave all of this far behind me and never think about it or talk about it ever again.

"JJ!" she screamed, and this finally broke through. I lifted my foot from the gas and slammed it down on the break. The back of the car began to fishtail a bit as it tried to come to a stop on the slushy road. My mom grabbed the wheel to help keep it steady and our car finally came to a standstill.

"Pull… Over." She gasped. I slowly steered the car over onto the shoulder and put it in park, promptly bursting into tears.

"I'm sorry!" I sobbed.

"What the hell was that? You could have killed us!"

I bent forward, overcome with tears until my head rested on the steering wheel. Then I snapped up and began to pummel it with my hands.

I didn't even register my mom getting out of the car until she was suddenly at my door, catching my hands and holding them tightly so that she could unbuckle me from the driver's seat. She pulled me from the car and clutched me close to her, my arms caught between us.

My sobs became louder and more immense until I was screaming through my tears. She rubbed my back and rocked us. "I'm so mad," I finally managed to get out. "I'm so mad!" I reiterated.

"Let it out," she told me. "Be mad. But I can't let you endanger yourself or other people."

I finally sagged against her. "I don't want to be mad."

"It's natural baby. You think I'm not angry? I want to hunt him down and tear him limb for limb for what he did. But we can't."

I pressed my face into her neck as I shook my head. "Not at him. At her."

"What?"

"At Ros."The tears started up again. "I'm mad at Rosalind."

"Why?"

"Because she left me! She left all of us. And she knew we would find her the next day and that it would destroy us and it didn't matter! She left! She left me all alone, and I'm furious about it. Everything that has happened, it's all a result of that. She did this!"

She pulled back from me and held onto my shoulders. "JJ, no. Ros was sick baby, she needed help but she didn't know how to ask for it. She was sick."

"This is all her fault! She did this, and I hate her!" I screamed.

She shook me, not hard enough to hurt me, just startle me. "Stop it! Stop JJ. Rosalind didn't hurt you. Your father did. He did this of his own free will, and I know," she sucked in a deep breath, "I know how hard that is to accept, but he did this. Not Rosalind."

I looked up at her through my swollen eyes, both of us trying to catch our breath. "I…" I didn't know what I was trying to say. "It's all too much." I finally whispered.

She held me close again. "I know, JJ. I know."


	36. Chapter 36

**(Will's back! Penelope's back! Ethan's back!)**

Before I knew it, it was Wednesday morning. I showered and got dressed, before making my way downstairs. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and took a seat at the dining room table. Part of me knew that it was inevitable; Christmas break couldn't last forever. Eventually I would have to go back and face everyone. But the larger part of me desperately wanted just a few more days without the stares and whispers.

"You ready for today?" my mom asked from the counter.

I sighed. "Not really. But I can't figure out anyway of avoiding it that doesn't involve me dropping out of school to be a hermit. Which… actually doesn't sound too bad, right now."

"You could get your GED and come hang out with me at work all day!" she suggested.

"Don't tempt me." I mumbled, shuffling my feet beneath the table.

She came and sat across from me. "Hey. I know today's not going to be easy. In fact, it's probably going to really suck, if I'm being honest. But it's something you've gotta do."

"But is it something I have to do today?" I knew I was being whiny, but my stomach was aching with dread.

"Yeah. It is."

"Are you sure?"

"I am." She patted my hand. "But you'll get through it." She took my empty bowl to the sink. "And JJ?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop scuffing my floors with your shoes or you're going to be paying to replace them." She dropped a kiss on top of my head as she walked into the hallway. "I'm leaving in five minutes, if you want a ride!"

I grabbed all of my stuff from my room and headed to the car. "You want to drive?" she asked.

"Nah, we'll have to get out and switch when we get there, it'll be a pain." I got into the passenger seat.

"So what's on the schedule for today?"

"Just school. I'll catch a ride home after athletics."

"Why don't you invite Will over for dinner? It's been a while since you two have hung out. My last showing ends at three today, I could make something really nice. We could have Italian!"

I looked up from my phone with a grin. "You know how you said I should tell you if you're being a little weird about Will?"

"Yeah?"

"You're being _super_ weird about Will."

She sighed. "Ugh, I know I just… He seems to be a really great guy, JJ. Most high school boys are… shit heads."

"Trust me; I got to school with them."

"Well, trust me, I raised one!" she grinned. "My point is, Will seems nice. And I trust that you trust him. And if you wanted to maybe invite him over for dinner tonight, so that Mark and I could get to know him better, I would be willing to make lasagna."

I laughed as she came to a stop in the school drive. "Okay. I'll ask, but no promises."

"Okay. Text me his answer so I know if I need to stop by the grocery store."

I climbed out of the car. "Alright. Wait, are we not having lasagna if he doesn't come?"

"Have you done anything to merit lasagna?"

"I'm here! I'm going to school!"

The car behind her honked their horn and she waved at them in her rear view mirror. "Alright fine, I'll make lasagna either way. Try to have a good day, okay? I love you."

"I love you, too." I shut the door and started inside. The sky was a steely gray and it looked like it could begin to snow at any moment. The wind swirled around me, seeming to urge me inside the school building. I walked the halls with bated breath. When we had left for break, I was still having difficulties getting through the day without finding myself the target of unwanted attention, and I didn't know how much of that had changed.

As I stood at my locker, putting away my scarf, Penelope bounded up. "Hi! So I've been thinking and really who am I kidding, I'm definitely going to need us to continue our pre cal study sessions. Because I know over break I was all, 'I'm gonna pay attention to Mr. Cooper and get serious about my studies' but I just saw Derek Morgan and he was wearing a leather jacket. Either he managed to get even MORE attractive over the break or memory simply failed me, because Holy Hannah, the boy is fine. How am I supposed to concentrate on numbers with that hot piece of ass a mere five feet away?"

I started to laugh. "Well I'm sure between the two of us we can manage to get you a B."

"You are truly a saint, you are my hero."

I began to answer her, but stopped when I noticed a small group of sophomore boys behind her. They were huddled near the wall and were speaking in low voices. It was obvious from the glances being thrown my way exactly what they were talking about.

Penelope noticed my change of expression and looked over her shoulder. "Can I help you with something?" she asked in a loud and direct voice. All three of them froze, their eyes wide. "No? Goodbye!" They scurried off down the hall.

"Thanks," I said quietly.

She shrugged. "Not a problem."

I shut my locker and we started to walk to English. "How can you… do that? Just yell out at them?"

"Well, baby Penelope went through puberty at the ripe old age of eleven, which means I've had these gigantic boobs since before I could go to a PG-13 movie. I learned the best way to deal with stares is to shut it down, on the spot." We took our regular desk in the third row. "Did you get any more of the reading done?"

I groaned quietly. "I checked several out from the library, but then there was a whole thing on Monday with my mom. I read like half of The Scarlet Letter?"

"I mean, that's better than nothing. And we're talking about Mockingbird first; you have time to catch up."

"What books did you do?"

"Emma, The Giver, and Pride and Prejudice."

"That's not fair, you've already read Pride and Prejudice."

She shrugged. "Well I tried to read Frankenstein in a show of solidarity with Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, mother of sci fi, but then it got super creepy. So I didn't read it."

The late bell rang and Ms. Prentiss came to the front of the room. "Alright everyone, welcome back from break! I hope everybody had a happy holiday, but let's hop to it, shall we? To Kill a Mockingbird; what did you think?"

All of our teachers chose to dive right back into work instead easing in, and I for one was grateful. It kept my mind focused and busy. I was also thankful to recognize that apart from the boys in the hallway, my classmates had largely moved on. Occasionally, one of their eyes would linger on me just a moment longer than normal, but it was a new semester with new drama; my personal tragedy was no longer of interest.

I approached Will after lunch. "Hey."

"Hey, crazy." He started to lean in and kiss me, but caught himself.

"Do you have any plans for tonight?"

"None that I know of. What's up?"

"Want to eat dinner at my house? My mom said she would make lasagna."

"Yeah! That sounds great. What time do you want me there?"

"Well, if you want, we can just go after we get out of athletics. We could hang out? Do homework or watch a movie."

He gave me a grin. "Sure. Sounds like fun. Meet you outside the gym?"

"Sure thing." I turned to walk to my next class, then stopped. I turned around then pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. "I'll see you then." Then I hurried down the hallway, not wanting to be late for class.

When I came out of the gymnasium, Will was leaning against the wall, his backpack at his feet. "Rough practice?" he asked, taking in my red cheeks and sweaty hair.

"Coach Hotchner was trying to kill us. We did one hundred burpees. One hundred! By the end I thought I was actually going to die."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't, otherwise I would have had to miss out on the lasagna." He took my duffel bag from my shoulder and carried it as we walked to the rear parking lot.

"I mean, you probably could have still gone over. My mom loves you, you're the only reason we're having it."

"I would have abstained in your memory."

"Aw, you're so sweet." I bumped my shoulder into his, and he bumped me back sending me careening to the side. "Hey," I said laughing, "Careful! You're a lot bigger than me."

"Not near as strong though."

"Or as fast."

He gave me an outraged look. "I'm fast!"

"Really? Prove it." I took off running towards his truck.

"Wait! This isn't fair; I'm carrying your stuff!" I could hear him struggling after me, but I kept running, only coming to a stop when I slapped my hand down on the hood of his pickup.

He caught up a few moments later. "Coach Hotchner isn't pushing you hard enough if you can still sprint like that after practice," he said.

"Sprint?" I paused a second to catch my breath. "That was hardly a jog."

"Sure it was." He opened the door and threw his back pack and my duffel into the back. He gave a little bow. "Your highness," he said gesturing to the passenger seat.

I hopped in. "Hey would it be okay if we stopped by Anderson's? My mom forgot to get ice cream for desert."

"Sure thing."

Once inside the grocery store, he took my hand and I didn't pull away. "Alright, which way to the frozen foods?"

"Have you never been here before?" I asked.

"Nope. Ever since I was a little kid, every Saturday morning my mom goes out grocery shopping and my dad watches Cass and I. No one else is allowed to go. It's her 'me' time."

"Her 'me' time is grocery shopping?"

"The woman takes her produce very seriously, Jayje."

"If you say so." We came to a stop in front of the ice cream. "Alright, what do you want?"

"I don't know, what do you want?"

"I asked you first."

"Well, I love Cherry Garcia."

I wrinkled my nose. "What? You have got to be kidding me."

"What?!"

"Fruit has no place in ice cream."

"Excuse you, what about a banana split? What about the cherry on top of a sundae?"

"That's completely different," I countered. "It's okay served alongside the ice cream, but inside of it? Gross."

"You're completely wrong, but at least you're pretty."

I swatted him on the chest with a laugh. "Okay but seriously, what are we getting?"

"Dunno. We could get half chocolate, half vanilla."

"JJ?" I turned to see Mrs. Cline coming towards me with her shopping cart, her lips stretched into a wide smile. Trailing a couple steps behind her, his face bored and resentful, was Ethan. I could feel Will stiffen up beside me, and I squeezed his hand.

"Mrs. Cline, hi." I returned her smile.

"I haven't had a chance to see you since you girls went to the state game. I was so sorry you didn't win, but we listened on the radio, it sounded like you played really good."

"Oh, thank you." Mrs. Cline was the secretary down at the elementary school. I had known her since they had moved here. She had barely changed at all in the ten years since then; Barely five feet tall, with hair dyed a dark burgundy red, she still wore the same sweater sets and large cross necklace that she had when I was a second grader.

"Now, is your mom still working at Stokes Realty?"

"Yes ma'am, she is."

"You know, I've never forgotten how helpful she was whenever we decided to move out of our rental. No question was too small, she made us feel right at home…" she rambled on for a bit, and I chanced a glance at Ethan. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, and he stared down the aisle.

"… just so pleasant. I'll have to stop in one of these days and tell her I still appreciate it."

"I'm sure she would love that."

"Now," she dropped her voice to conspiratorial whisper and my heart thudded in my chest. Surely this kind, simple woman wasn't about to bring up what I thought she was, right in the middle of Anderson's supermarket. "Who is this good looking gentleman you have here?" she finished with a wink.

Relief coursed through me. "Oh! This, this is Will."

He shook her hand. "Will Lamontagne, ma'am."

"LaMontagne… wait a minute, you're not Toni Ann's boy, are you? Norma's grandson?"

He smiled. "Yes ma'am."

"Are you a junior, too?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Ethan! You didn't tell me Miss Norma's grandson was in your grade!"

Ethan shrugged and gave non-committal grunt. She waved him off over her shoulder. "Like he tells me anything," she said to me and Will. "Anyway, I better get back to shopping so I can go home and make dinner, but it was so good to see you sugar!" She pulled me in for a hug, and I awkwardly patted her back. "Now, I know your family is going through a tough time right now, but if you need anything, you tell your mom to just let me know, okay? I mean anything. Even if she doesn't feel like cooking, I can whip up a casserole in no time flat."

I forced a smile. "I'll let her know, Mrs. Cline."

"And if you're at school and something's wrong, just tell Ethan and he'll help you out." I looked over her shoulder at him. It was almost hilarious, on an absurd level. How was it possible for this woman to be so oblivious to the kind of person her son was?

She beamed up at Will. "It was nice to meet you. I'll see you around." She pushed her cart past us. Ethan followed her and for a second I thought we had completely avoided a confrontation, but at the last second Ethan shoulder checked Will hard. He started to turn around and say something, but I tugged on his hand. "Not here. Please." I mumbled, just loud enough for me to hear.

He managed to bite his tongue until they had both cleared the end of the aisle.

"What the fuck is his problem?" he asked in a low voice.

I sighed. "I… I honestly don't know. C'mon, let's get some ice cream and go home."

We finally settled on Rocky Road. By the time we got the tub home, the lasagna was almost done, and my mom asked me to set the table, sending Will into the living room with Mark.

"What took you two so long?" she asked.

"We ran into Mrs. Cline at Anderson's."

She sighed. "Good lord, can that woman talk. I didn't think I was going to be able to get her to shut up long enough to sign the closing papers."

"Which she is still grateful for, by the way."

"Well what all did she have to say?"

"Oh not much. Congratulated me on State, drooled over Will for a bit, offered to send over a 'Sorry-you-were-abused-tuna-noodle-casserole'"

She flinched slightly as she took the breadsticks from the oven. "JJ, that's not… That's not funny."

"…I know. I'm sorry. It's just… it's one of those days."

"I know."

"Is everything ready? I'm starving."

"Yeah. Go get the boys."

Dinner was nice, my parents talking with Will, asking him questions. They both told embarrassing stories about me, but Will squeezed my hand, even as my cheeks flushed red. I walked him out to his truck afterward, and stood on my tiptoes to press a soft kiss to his lips. It wasn't much, but it was enough. I couldn't help but run my thumb over my lip as I tried to work on my Chemistry homework.

I had made it through the first day back, and was somehow still standing.


	37. Chapter 37

"So you're back at school."

I nodded from my armchair. "Yup."

"How is that going?"

I shrugged. "It's okay. People aren't staring as much, which is nice."

Dr. Blake was wearing a brown turtleneck today. "Why do you think that is?"

"Social media and a culture of instant access has led to shorter attention spans?" I wasn't sure why I was being so sarcastic with her. I had had an okay day at school, nothing bad had happened. I was just feeling irritated by her relentless questions that I never seemed to be able to answer.

She smiled and twirled her pen in her fingers. "Someone is a little sassy today."

"Well I don't know why they aren't staring. I'm just glad they've moved on."

She tilted her head slightly. "Have you moved on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you feel like you've moved on, or that you would like to?"

"Are you kidding me? I would love to. But I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it's everywhere. Every time I open Facebook or Twitter, there's a new story about some guy who sexually assaulted some girl. I was flipping back through the calendar we keep in our kitchen so I could double check something, and there it was, in sharpie, 'JJ at Ron's.' Written over and over, every other weekend. I ran into a kid from school and his mom at the grocery store, and she offered to send us a freaking casserole. It never stops."

"You wish everyone would just pretend like it didn't happen."

"Well… Yeah. A little bit."

"Why?"

I took a deep breath. "So I can move on and stop dwelling on it."

She leaned back in her chair. "Would you say you've moved on from your sister's death?"

"I'm really not in the mood to talk about Ros."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to!" I snapped. Something flickered in her eyes, but she didn't say anything. I knew I was being a bitch. I gritted my teeth and tried again. "No. I'm obviously not. I feel like I was, but now everything has gone to shit, and it's a wreck. I'm a wreck."

"You're not a wreck."

"Really? What do you call going seventy five miles an hour down a two lane road in January? Just a fun outing? I almost crashed the car."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What happened?"

I was already regretting bringing it up. "It was… nothing. We went to the library-"

"We?"

"My mom and I. We went to the library, and on the way back I wanted to stop at the cemetery."

"To visit Rosalind's grave?"

"No, I thought it'd be a good place to grab a latte. Yes. I went to see Ros. And then when I was driving back, I just… I don't know, I lost it for a second. I couldn't breath and I couldn't feel my hands and I just pressed down on the pedal and then my mom was screaming and the car was skidding."

"Did you crash?"

"No. She helped me come to a stop."

"Did something happen at the cemetery?"

I glared at her. A car sped by on the street below, their engine roaring. "I yelled at Ros."

"Why?"

"Why? I don't know, Dr. Blake. Probably because I was pissed."

"You know, it's okay to be angry. It's healthy, natural even."

"I know that."

She paused for a moment. "Are you mad at your mom?"

I picked at the skin on my thumb. "No."

"Are you sure?"

"Super sure."

"Do you feel like she should have done something more to protect you?"

"Why are you blaming this on her?"

Dr. Blake sighed. "I'm not, JJ. I'm just asking if there is a part of you that might be upset with her."

"Well I'm not."

"It seems like you are. Did you ever tell her about the abuse? Before the day at the school, I mean."

I began to laugh, even though I didn't find this the least bit funny. "No, I didn't. I didn't tell anyone."

"Did you want to?"

"Yes!"

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because- Because it's just… I don't know!"

"Why didn't you tell her sooner?"

"Because he's my dad!" I cried.

"Yes, and she's your mom."

"It's…" I trained my eyes on the potted plant she had hanging in the corner of her office. "Because I didn't want to talk about it." I whispered. "Because if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't happening." I waited for her to say something, but she didn't. "He… he's not evil. Not really. He's a good dad. He cares about us."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"Most of the time he was a great dad. He never talked down to us, never hit us."

"Except he did."

"Just that one time."

"The one time is enough, JJ." Her voice finally had a color of exasperation in it.

"I'm just saying… Apart from that, when you take away what happened at night, he was a good dad. And as long as I didn't think about it, it was like it didn't happen. So I didn't tell anyone."

"Why do you think you finally did?"

"Is our hour nearly up?"

"We have twenty minutes left. Why did you finally tell?"

I shut my eyes. "Because I was cornered."

"Why do you say that?"

"They had my paper, they just kept asking me about it. They asked if it was Coach Hotchner, if it was my step dad."

"It wasn't."

"I know that!"

"Why did you tell?"

"My mom said… She wanted… she wanted to call my dad. She said he could come to the school and I could talk to him, if I didn't want to talk to her."

"Are you maybe mad that she forced you to tell? Forced you to confront what was happening?"

I stared blankly ahead. "I already told you: I'm not mad at her."

Dr. Blake shuffled the papers in my file around a bit. "JJ, despite what you say, I think you _are_ mad at your mom." I scoffed but she continued. "Hear me out. I think you're mad at your mom, from the sound of it I think you're mad at Rosalind, I think you're mad at me for not shutting up, but in actuality, I don't think you're really mad at any of us. You're mad at your dad."

"Well of course I'm mad at him."

"Have you bothered to say it out loud?"

"What?"

She leaned forward in her chair. "In the year since this started, have you ever once let yourself be mad at your father? Really angry?"

"Well… after the party when we got in that fight-"

"Not yelling in the moment. Have you just let yourself acknowledge that what he did was wrong, and that you didn't deserve to be treated this way by someone you trusted?"

"Well I-" I found myself at a loss for words. Of course I had. Why was she asking such stupid questions?

"I think the feelings are there, but you're refusing to acknowledge them. Because above all else, more than anyone else, you're mad at yourself." I stared at her, my jaw clenched. "You're shouldering far more blame in this than you should. I know you're in high school, but you're really still a child, JJ. You didn't deserve- where are you going?" I had jumped up from my armchair. I seized my backpack and tugged it onto my shoulder as I strode towards the door.

"JJ wait! We need to finish this- You can't run from it!" She called, but I kept going. I left her office and took off down the hall. I pushed open the wooden door into the waiting room, and it banged against the wall behind it. I continued out of the office, ignoring the crowding thoughts of my brain.

That night, as I laid in bed texting Will, my mom came in. She sat gently on the edge of my bed, watching me without a word.

"What's up?" I finally asked.

"Dr. Blake called me."

"Yeah?"

"She seemed a bit worried about today's session."

"Good for Dr. Blake."

"JJ." She took a deep breath. "She's worried about you."

I sat down my phone and turned to look at her. "She says I'm mad."

"Well… To be fair, just Monday I remember you also said you were mad."

"She says I'm mad at you."

Her eyes went wide with shock. "Oh. And… and are you?"

"No, Mom."

"Then why does she think that?"

I rubbed my head. "I… I don't know." She didn't say anything, but merely rubbed my leg gently through the blanket. I jerked away. "Can… Please don't." She folded her hands in her lap.

"I'm sorry."

"I just…" I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. "She thinks I'm mad at you for not keeping me safe." I whispered.

"Well… That would make two of us."

I sighed. "No, Mom. I'm not."

"Is it okay if I lay down?" I nodded and she lowered herself down so that we were both lying with our heads on the pillows, me underneath the blankets, her on top.

"What else does she think?"

"That I'm blaming you for making me tell. Which is just stupid…"

"You can be, you know. Mad. I can handle it."

"I'm not mad at you."

"I think you're choosing to be mad at Rosalind, because she isn't here. Because she can't be mad back. And because you know she won't be hurt by you being mad."

"You sound like Dr. Blake."

"Well, am I wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Who else are you mad at?"

"I'm not mad at you." I repeated stubbornly. She didn't respond. "She thinks I'm unable to be mad at Dad." She nodded slowly.

"Is… Is that true?"

"I… don't know, Mom. I feel like I'm drowning in all of this awfulness."

"I can understand that."

"More than anything I just feel like I'm sick of feeling."

She sighed. "I know, sweetie."

"I feel like I'm being a huge bitch to people, but I don't know how to stop."

"Like who?"

"Well I definitely wasn't a ball of sunshine to Dr. Blake before I stormed out of my session like an asshole."

"I'm sure she's seen worse."

"Probably."

She sat up. "Alright. Well I just wanted to check in on you, see how you were doing. I'll let you get to bed."

"Mom?"

"Yeah, Jen?"

"Could… Would it be okay if you stayed in here? For just a little bit, you don't have to like sleep in here. I just… Would you?"

She smiled. "Of course." She laid back down. "Do you want me to play with your hair like when you were little?"

"No, just… be here." We laid in silence, my breathing eventually matching hers, until I drifted off to sleep.


	38. Chapter 38

**(Alright, here's chapter 38. Enjoy!)**

That Saturday, like so many before, I was the only player to show up for Coach Hotchner's morning practice. We had ran, kicked, dribbled, and practiced for a solid two hours. Finally, he rested his hand on his knees.

"Alright I give up! That's good for today." I took a seat on the freezing cold metal bench as I also caught my breath. He tossed me my water bottle and I gratefully took a drink.

"Great work over break. I can tell you did a lot of solo work to keep in shape."

I shrugged. "I did a lot of running. Most days around two, three miles."

He shook his head with a smile. "Oh to be sixteen again, and have that kind of energy." He joined me on the bench. "How's your body feeling? I know there were couple times your hamstring was kind of acting up this fall."

"It's not bothering me anymore. But over break, I did have a little bit of pain in one of my ankles. It's better with icing and rest."

He nodded. "Well let's definitely keep an eye on it. If the pain starts to get worse in any way tell me and we can try to get it looked at. Maybe we should consider adding in some cross training for you. Well, for all of you really. But with your dreams of making a college team, we want to make sure your body is properly cared for."

I stifled a groan. "What kind? I'm already running and doing strength workouts."

"Well maybe something a more low impact. Something like swimming or yoga."

"I don't know. I pretty much only swim when it's to make Derek Morgan choke on his own ego."

He smiled. "And you do it beautifully." We sat in a companionable silence, enjoying the brisk January weather. "Maybe try something that puts less stress on your legs. Look into some sort of boxing workout. I don't know, I'm just spit balling ideas."

"Yeah, no, I'll definitely look into it."

"Any word from the University of Pittsburgh?"

I shook my head slowly. "Not a sound."

"That doesn't necessarily mean anything."

"Sure."

"I'm serious, JJ. Don't pull yourself from the running just yet."

"I know."

He stood up and began to gather the cones. "You taking the bus?"

"No Penelope's coming to get me. We're going to work on Pre Cal for a bit." He nodded. At that moment, her red VW bug came skidding around the corner. "That's my ride," I said with a smile.

He lifted his eyebrows. "Oh wow. Well, be safe and have a good weekend." I turned to walk towards the gate. "Oh and JJ?"

I turned back around. "Yeah Coach?"

He studied me for a second. "You're doing good work."

I was unprepared for how much his comment touched me. "Thank… Thank you."

He smiles and waved. "See you on Monday."

"I'll be here."

After working on our Pre Cal homework, Penelope and I had retreated into her room with steaming mugs of hot chocolate.

"I don't understand what's happening with you and Derek."

She sighed. "That's because ours is a whirlwind romance, too torrid for common ears." I swatted her with a pillow and she collapsed into giggles. "I don't know! I mean we see each other at school all the time and we talk and flirt but nothing ever happens."

"What do you want to happen?"

"I don't know!" she cried. "I mean, he's so beautiful, if we ever took it to the bedroom I would probably pass out right there."

"You should go for it!" I encouraged. "I mean it's better than being stuck in limbo."

"Oh I know, I just don't want to have to have 'a talk' about feelings and stuff."

"But what if it pays off?"

"Listen to you! Finally listens to reason and begins dating Will, and suddenly you're a love guru."

I decidedly ignored the blush crossing my cheeks. "I'm just saying, you talk about him enough. You might as well actually 'sink your claws in that hunk of man meat' or whatever you say."

"I don't know, we'll see. How is that going by the way?"

I fished a marshmallow out of my cocoa. "Me and Will?"

"Mm hm."

"It's… It's good. We're keeping it super chill, but it's nice. We've gone on a few dates. He came over and had dinner with my parents the first day back."

"Are those church bells I hear in the distance?" This time I threw the pillow at her. She caught it and gave me a wide grin. "Seriously though. I'm glad you guys are together."

I smiled. "Me too."

 _The sun beat down upon me from over head. I had been walking for what felt like days. My body ached but I couldn't stop moving. Something was coming. Something was following me. I kept glancing around me, behind me, but couldn't see anything but wide expenses of dry, barren ground. There were no clouds in the sky to offer a moment of shade, only the occasional shadow as the crows circling overhead passed in front of the sun. How could I have walked this long without night falling?_

 _I heard a strange noise from below me. I looked down to realize I was standing on train tracks. The metal clicked beneath my boots, each step sending up a small cloud of dust. The clicking grew louder. The crows' sharp cries echoed in dissonance. I felt what was surely hot breath on the back of my neck. I whipped around to see an old fashioned steam train barreling towards me, steam bellowing from it's engine. For a moment, I couldn't move, only stare in horror, but at the last moment managed to throw myself out of the way. As it raced by, it stirred up the dirt until I couldn't see or breathe, feeling as if I would suffocate._

 _The dust finally settled and it was nighttime. The clicking noise had not ceased it's relentless count. I glanced around to try and determine what was causing it, but I seemed to be alone in the darkness. I looked up at the moon to realize it was not a moon, but instead the glowing red numbers of a digital alarm clock. Each loud click was another minute passing by. 11:17, 11:18,11:19. I scrambled to my feet and began to run. He was here. He was coming for me._

 _I couldn't see far enough to actually pick a direction, and instead set out blind. I ran as fast as I could, praying I would be quick enough. At the last second, I realized I was at the bank of Antler Run, a creek outside of town that had dried up long before I was born, and skidded to a stop. I scrambled down the bank, brush and branches scratching my face and arms. Once at the bottom, the ticking was a bit muffled and I felt a little bit safer. I began to walk carefully along the creek bed, stepping carefully on the loose rocks. I heard an owl hoot from somewhere above me, but I couldn't see it. I tripped on a log and went sprawling downwards. As I tried to dust myself off, I realized that the ground around me was wet. I glanced around in confusion, then through the darkness I saw a rush of water making it's way towards me. I stood and tried to run, but the water quickly over took me. I fought against the current but it swept me down the creek. My clothes became heavy, making it hard to stay afloat._

" _JJ!" Upon hearing my name, I instinctively thrust my hand into the air and was pulled upwards. As my feet cleared the icy waters, I looked at my savior, only to find myself face to face with my father. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled and my heart stuttered in my chest. His smile transformed into a snarl and he threw me to the dusty ground. He was on top of me, pulling at my clothes. "You'll never get away from me," he growled. He was inside of me, tearing me, destroying me. His hands pressed at my throat and slowly by world grew dark and darker as I went longer without air. The last thing I saw before everything faded to black was the red numbers, still glowing brightly in the sky._

I sat up in bed, unable to stop the scream that echoed forth from my mouth. My fingers clawed at my throat, tearing away invisible hands. Footsteps pounded in the hallway and my door was thrown open. My mom and Mark came spilling into my bedroom. Their sudden appearance sent me scrambling to the other side of the bed. I gasped raggedly for breath, still able to feel the pressure on my throat.

"JJ what's wrong? Are you okay?" asked my mom. She took a few steps around the bed but I threw up my hands.

"Don't!"

She froze. "Okay, I'll stay here. It's okay. Everything's okay." I pressed myself against my wall, the cold feeling good against my overheated skin. My chest heaved but I still couldn't seem to breathe. "JJ, baby it was just a bad dream, okay? It was a nightmare. You're okay. No one is hurting you. You are okay."

I could hear her speaking, and on some level even understand what she meant, but my brain was still in full on panic mode. She took a cautious step towards me.

"Stop!"

"Okay, okay." She retreated back towards Mark. Out of nowhere, I heard Coach Hotchner's voice. _"You're having a panic attack. I know it feels like you need to breath in, but focus on breathing out. Slow…"_ I forced myself to breathe out. Then, slowly but surely, I let myself breath in again, and some of the pain lessened. I pressed out again. Every time I repeated it, it got a little bit easier until I finally sagged back against the wall, exhausted.

"JJ?" my Mom cautiously asked from the the door.

"It was just… Just a bad dream. I'm okay."

"Okay… Do, do you need anything? A hug?"

"A glass of water?" added in Mark.

I nodded. "Water. Please." He left to get me a glass and I slid to the ground.

"Is it okay if I come over there?" I nodded. The blue numbers on my alarm clock announced that it was 6:27, a full half hour before my alarm would go off. My mom sat down beside me.

"I'm sorry I scared you."

"You don't have to apologize."

Mark came back with the water, which I gratefully accepted. They both watched me as I gulped it down. I combed my hair away from where sweat had stuck it to my face.

"Why don't you hop in the shower and I'll go down and make some breakfast, okay? That sound good?"

I nodded wearily. She stood up and helped pull me to my feet. Mark gave me a smile but didn't say anything.

By the time I reached English, I already had a raging headache. It felt as if my head was full of a thousand pounds of concrete, trying desperately to burst out of my skull. My heartbeat throbbed in my ears.

Pen tried to talk and laugh when she came in but after a few failed attempts, fell quiet. I couldn't muster up energy to speak to anyone, not when it was taking so much willpower just to remain upright. I kept my head down throughout class, praying that I could somehow get through this day.

After sixth period, I was walking to grab my stuff from my locker when I tripped over a skateboard that had been left lying carelessly in the hallway.I went sprawling downwards, my soccer training thankfully kicking in to help me brace myself and not sprain a wrist. But once on the ground, I found myself laying in water. The snow tracked in from people returning from lunch had melted, leaving dirty puddles throughout the hallways. It saturated the front of my jacket, chilling me to the bone. _I stood and tried to run, but the water quickly over took me. I fought against the current but it swept me down the creek._ The world around me seemed to tighten in. My throat ached as if someone was pressing against it. I pulled myself to my feet and stumbled backwards, my mind going completely blank. I turned and could see the faces of my classmates. They seemed to loom around me, distorted and grotesque. Their mouths pried open, their razor sharp teeth gnashing together. I looked up and saw an exit sign. I staggered forward and pushed open the door, escaping outside. I began to run, not taking in anything around me. I ran away from the school, down the street. I ran past the bank and the post office; past the Chinese food restaurant and the daycare center. I crossed the highway without checking to see if anything was coming, the loud honk of a semi announcing just how close I had been to being hit. I kept running until I ran out of buildings to identify.

I finally slowed to a walk, my breath coming in short, sharp pants. I looked up and saw a sign marking the road I was walking as Nursery Road. There was nothing around me save telephone wires and farmland, the rows covered up by the blanket of snow. A gust of wind sped by, and I realized that I was shivering. Without thinking, I turned and left the road, slowly picking my way through the snowy ditches. I found a path through the trees and continued down it. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw my mom's face. When I didn't go to my seventh period class, the school must have called her. I declined the call.

Finally I broke through the trees and found myself on the bank of Antler Run. It was desolate and dead, no water having run through it in over thirty years. The trees here where dead and falling down. I found a flat rock and sat down, pulling my knees to my chest for warmth.

I was tired of feeling broken. No, I was tired of being broken. I longed for the life that seemed to have been a thousand years ago, when I was happy and bright and believed that nothing bad would ever happen. I thought back over everything that had happened. All the way from Ros's death to now, every single event that had taken place. I thought back on my last session with Dr. Blake, and her accusations that I was unable to be upset with my dad.

"Of course I'm mad at him." I said out loud. A stray cat looked over at me from the other bank. "I am." The cat moved on to picking through the grass.

I grabbed a nearby tree and used it to pull myself to standing. I tilted my head back, and stared up at the blue sky. "You hurt me." I said tentatively.

Nothing happened.

I tried again a bit louder. "You hurt me."

A car drove down Nursery Road, out of sight.

"I hate you."

Silence.

"You hurt me and I hate you! You did this to me!" The world remained upright, unchanging, and something broke inside me, my loud calls becoming shouts.

"I trusted you! You're my dad! You were supposed to take care of me and instead I'm broken! I feel dead inside and it's all your fault!" I reached down and picked up a rock, hurling it across the riverbed. It struck a tree, sending a bird high into the sky with a startled cry. "I loved you so much and you destroyed me! Why? Why did you do this, you… You… Sick fuck!" I threw another rock. "I hate you!" I screamed as loudly as I could.

The wind gusted through the trees, and my shivers increased until my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. The loneliness threatened to overwhelm me.

I pulled out my phone. I had three missed calls from my mom. I pressed the call button.

"Hello?" She answered almost immediately.

"Mom?"

"JJ what happened? Why did you leave school? Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath. "I need you to come get me. Please. I need you."

"Where are you?"

"Antler Run. Out by Nursery Road."

"Don't move, okay? I'm on my way." She hurriedly disconnected. I leaned against the tree. I was so tired of feeling this way, cycling between unimaginable grief, red hot anger, and then complete numbness. It didn't feel like I would ever feel like a normal human being again.

Several minutes later, I heard her voice. "JJ? Jayje, where are you?"

I turned and began to walk towards her voice. Once I cleared the trees, I saw her standing at the roadside. She opened her arms and I ran the last couple of yards. I threw myself into her, and she wrapped me in her arms. She led me to the car.

"I'm sorry," I finally croaked.

She shook her head. "It's just a bad day, JJ. Bad days happen, and it's okay because we get through them. I'll always be here to help you get through, you just have to remember to call me, okay?" I nodded and hugged her tightly again. She pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Let's get you home, sweet girl. Let's go home."


	39. Chapter 39

**(Chapter 39. Will's back, by popular demand haha. Read and Review!)**

The next morning, I woke up feeling like garbage. My head pounded, my nose was somehow stuffy and runny at the same time, and my throat felt like it was on fire. My mom came in just as I was trying to get up. As soon as I stood, I was overtaken by a wave of dizziness and had to sit back down.

"Yeah, I don't think you'll be making it to school today, champ." She pressed her hand to my forehead. "No fever, you probably caught a cold. That's what happens when you go traipsing off into the snow in a wet jacket." She helped me get back into bed and tucked the blanket tight around me as I began a loud coughing fit. "I'll call the school and let them know. See if you can get back to sleep, okay? Try to rest." My eyes were already drifting closed, even as I tried to respond.

I woke up several hours later to her smoothing my hair. "You need to eat something so you can take medicine, okay? I made you some soup." I struggled upright under the comforter until I was leaning against the headboard. She settled a TV tray across my legs.

"Why are you home? You shouldn't have taken off from work, especially when your boss is being such a jerk."

She sighed. "It's not a problem. I don't want you to worry about it."

I paused, a spoonful of chicken noodle halfway to my mouth. "What does that mean?"

"Careful, don't drip on your blankets." I dutifully brought the spoon to my lips. "It's not a problem because I quit."

I let the spoon drop back to the tray. "You what? What happened? Why?"

"It's fine-"

"Mom, no it's not, what happened?"

She sighed again. "When the school called and said you had left, and they didn't know where you were, I started panicking a little bit. I told Don I needed to go, and he said it was an unacceptable reason to leave. That I needed to sort out my priorities and decide how much this job meant to me. So I quit on the spot."

Guilt weighed heavy on my shoulders. "Oh my god, this is all my fault. Mom I'm so sorry-"

"Don't you apologize. I would do it again in a heartbeat. When it comes down to it, my children will always come before any job I might have. Don Stokes is an asshole, and this I something I've been considering for a long time. I just didn't because I was scared, scared of the what if. But you've helped me see that sometimes you have to step into the what if trusting that you'll come out better on the other side. Don't be sorry; I'm not. I stayed at that firm much too long, I deserve to work somewhere that appreciates my ideas and understands that the fact that I'm a woman and a mother makes me a better employee rather than detracts from my ability to do my job. I'll find something else. I don't want you to worry about it, Jayje. I'm not upset about it, and I certainly don't want you to be."

"But… the house, and your cars, and Travis's school, and I'm about to go to college too. How are we going to pay for everything?"

She placed her hand under my chin and tilted my head up she could look me in the eyes. "Hey. We're fine. You hear me? We have savings, we'll get through this. What's important to me is that you realize that this isn't in any way your fault, okay? If anything I should be thanking you for helping me realize what I needed to do." She gave me a smile and patted my back. "Now eat your soup so I can give you some medicine."

She left the room and I resumed eating. She could say whatever she wanted to, that didn't stop the guilt from sinking low in my stomach. The events of the past six weeks had completely changed my entire family's life. My mom, Mark, Travis… I had been so wrapped in myself, in what was happening to me, I had never truly considered how I was hurting them. They hadn't asked for this, and they would never be the same.

She came bustling back in. "Alright, so as soon as you're done you can- JJ, what's wrong?"

I looked up at her, my eyes full of tears. "I hurt our family."

"No baby, you didn't. He did. This isn't your fault."

"You didn't ask for this. This completely wrecked everything, and now you don't have a job and you're having to pay for my therapy… I didn't even think about how this would ruin your lives, I never should have told anyone, you didn't ask for this-"

"Neither did you, JJ!" Her chest heaved, her face full of anger and frustration. "You didn't ask to be hurt in the worst way imaginable. But you were. And I refuse to have you feel any sort of regret for telling. Your entire life, I've wanted nothing but to protect you from being hurt. I would lose a thousand jobs if it meant you don't have to be in pain anymore. Don't you dare regret telling me, baby. Because, I'm so glad you did." She wiped at her eyes. "Okay, when you're done eating I want you to take this cough syrup."

I swirled my spoon through my soup, suddenly not hungry.

"Do you want to know how you can make it up to me?" I looked up at her, then hesitantly nodded. "Go to your sessions with Dr. Blake. Talk with her, be honest with her. Be angry, be upset, be whatever you need to be, but just be. Squashing everything down inside of you won't fix anything. You're going to have bad days. That's okay! I'm going to have bad days too! We'll get through it. Can you promise me that? I don't want perfection, I don't expect you to just suddenly be A OK. I just want you to try. To feel, and work through, and fight. That will make it all worth it. Can you do that for me?"

I nodded and she gave me a tight hug, spilling my soup in the process. She sighed and then laughed. "I guess it was just in the cards for me to wash your bedspread today. Stand up, let me strip your bed." She helped me get to my desk chair. I was still feeling weak and achey all over. She removed all my bedding and then got fresh sheets from the hall closet. She spread them out then topped my bed with the New England Patriots comforter from Travis's bed. I crawled back in.

"Do you want something else to eat?"

I shook my head. "I'm really not that hungry."

"Alright. Well hopefully the half bowl of chicken noodle will suffice, because you really need to take something." She poured the syrup into the plastic cap and I swigged it down.

"Alright, see if you can get some more sleep. Also, when I called the school to tell them you were sick they said they would gather up all of your homework. Do you maybe want to text Penelope and ask if she would drop it by? If she can't, I'll go get it."

"Yeah." I grabbed my phone and messaged her.

"Do you need anything else?"

I burrowed down beneath the blanket. "No, I'm okay."

"Alright. Well give me a shout if you need something." I began to cough violently. "Or maybe just text me."

I woke up a few hours later to a soft knock on my door frame.

"Come in." I said, my voice raspy.

Will poked his head in. "Hey crazy."

I groaned. "What are you doing here? I'm literally so gross right now."

"Penelope had a Geek Squad meeting after school so she hunted me down and insisted I bring you all of your homework." He placed the stack of papers on my desk and took a seat in my chair as I pulled myself to sitting, the blankets pulled up to my chin.

"How was school?"

"It's alright. Everyone's pretty excited for the long weekend."

"Any big plans?"

"We're going back down to New Orleans for my aunt's birthday."

"That'll be fun."

"I'm just glad we're flying instead of driving. I almost killed Cass somewhere around Nashville when we were moving here."

My laugh turned into a hacking cough. "She can't be that bad."

"Says the girl with no younger siblings."

"Says the girl with an older brother who loves to torture me."

"Fair enough." He looked around my room. "You painted."

"Yeah, I was tired of the white."

"Did you also become a Patriots fan?" he said, gesturing to the navy comforter.

"No, there was a soup incident. This is Trav's."

"A soup incident? Sounds highly suspicious."

"It's a truly exciting story, full of espionage and daring." I said with a yawn.

"Yeah?"

"Mm hm. I was eating my soup and international spies broke in through the window. I had to fight them off using nothing but a spoon. The soup was an unfortunate casualty."

"Only an amateur loses the soup."

"Well I was too busy fending off three agents at-" I was cut off from finishing by a series of loud sneezes. When I finally laid back against my pillows in exhaustion, he offered me a box of tissues.

"I feel like a trash can." I grumbled.

"But a cute trash can. Make all the other trash cans go bang! Crash!"

I squinted at him with a bemused smile. "Will LaMontagne did you just quote The Princess Diaries at me?"

His face flushed pink. "It… Cassie… It's a really good movie, okay?"

I giggled. "Whatever you say."

He stood up. "Well, I should probably go before I reveal other embarrassing things about myself." He took a few steps towards the bed.

"You really don't want to come any closer. I can only imagine that I'm super germy right now."

"I don't care if you don't."

I smiled and nodded. He pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"I'll bring you tomorrow's work, too. Try to get some rest. No more fighting off secret agents."

"I'll try my best."

"Bye, Jayje. I hope you feel better."

"Bye Will."

He gently shut the door behind him and I closed my eyes with a smile. He really was so good to me.

Wednesday passed in a very similar vein to Tuesday, with me sneezing and coughing in bed, and everyone generally trying to steer clear of the sick zone. Will brought my work and we talked for almost an hour.

Thursday, I was still feeling under the weather but well enough to rejoin the world of the living. I showered and ate and managed to get through the entire school day without passing out. In athletics, Coach Hotchner had insisted I sit to the side and watch, both to speed my healing and to prevent me from infecting the other girls. When we were released, Will was waiting in the hallway.

"Want a ride home?"

"Um…" Ordinarily I would have said yes in a heartbeat, but today I had a session with Dr. Blake.

"If you don't want one, that's fine," he said quickly.

"No I do," I said grabbing his hand. "It's just um… I have therapy today. I wouldn't mind a ride to that, though."

He smiled. "Oh! Yeah, alright!"

I took his hand as we walked to his truck. "Is that weird? Dating someone who's in therapy?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I don't think so." He paused for a second before continuing. "I told you that we moved here because my grandma got sick, but that's not exactly true. I mean, it is. She's getting pretty old, her memory's starting to go. But mainly we moved because my mom started going through some really bad depression. Not eating, not talking to anyone, she would just shut herself up in her bedroom with all the lights off for a couple days at a time. Finally, my dad convinced her to go talk to someone and it really helped. And then we moved here, so that she could be closer to her family, and she's doing a lot better. Therapy isn't something to be ashamed of."

I squeezed his hand, but didn't say anything.

I remembered my mom's words as I sat down in Dr. Blake's office. I needed to try, to talk and be honest. After all my mom had done for me, I could do that for her.

"How are you feeling today, JJ?"

"I'm alright. I'm getting over a cold."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it knocked me on my ass the past couple days, but I was able to go to school today."

"I'm glad you're feeling a little better. How is school?"

I shrugged. "It's okay. We have so much homework it's ridiculous. But I'm finally starting to feel caught up. I was able to finish The Scarlet Letter this weekend-"

"One of my favorites."

I nodded. "It was really great. And then yesterday I was able to get half of The Handmaid's Tale read after Will left."

"Who's Will? You haven't mentioned him before."

"He um… He's my boyfriend."

Sh raised her eyebrows and smiled. "Wow! How long have you two been together?"

"Well he moved here this summer. He started flirting with me in September but I just kind of ignored him for a month. And then we ended up kissing at a party, but then I got grounded. We've been "together" together for about two months I guess."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I really like him. He's sweet and funny. He treats me well."

"Is he cute?"

I blushed. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"He… I don't know. He's tall and has wavy hair and green eyes. He was on the boy's soccer team, but he's actually a baseball player, so he has this amazing body-" I pulled up short, self conscious of what I had said.

"When did you see his body?"

"Well… we talked for the first time at a soccer tournament, we were down at the pool, so… I saw him then."

"Was there any other time?"

 _Be honest._ "There was one time, this fall. We were at his house and we started kissing and he took off his sweater."

"How did that make you feel?"

"...good, I guess. He has nice abs."

"What happened next?"

"He took off my sweater. Because I said it was okay."

"Was it okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I felt a little self conscious, but it was okay."

"Did it go further than that?"

"He um… we were kissing and he touched my chest and it was fine. But then he touched me… between my legs. And I told him to stop."

"Did he?"

"Yeah. Immediately. He said he was sorry and that we could go back to kissing, or just watch TV."

"Is that what you did?"

"No." She waited for me to elaborate. "I felt bad. Because I was being such a freak about it. So I gave him a blow job." It felt weird saying it to Dr. Blake, who was roughly the same age as my mom, but she did ask.

"Did… you want to do that?"

"I… I don't know."

"Then why did you?"

"I… felt like he deserved it. It wasn't his fault that I'm such a wreck."

"He made you feel like he deserved oral sex?"

"No! He didn't… He didn't say anything like that. I just… It wasn't fair for me get him all worked up and then completely blue ball him."

"JJ you never have to do anything you don't want to do. Acts like these should only be carried out as an expression of affection for your partner."

"Well I like Will! I really like him, and I just want us to have a normal relationship. I don't want this to be one more thing that my dad takes away from me!"

She leaned forward. "By forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do, you're still letting him take away your voice, your control." She took a deep breath. "Maybe we should write down a guideline for the future. It's nothing permanent. As you and Will spend more time together and grow closer, it'll change but right now it'll be your chance to say what is allowed and what is not. Okay?"

"I don't know. This sounds kind of weird."

"Just give it a shot." She stood from her desk and retrieved a white erase board from her closet. She sat next to me and laid it on the desk that we could both see it. She grabbed a marker from her cup and on the left side wrote "YES!" and on the right side wrote "NO!". She drew a line down the middle.

She handed the marker to me. "Alright. Kissing on the cheek. Is that a yes or a no?"

I rolled my eyes and wrote it on the left side. "I'm not a four year old."

"Okay well what about sex?"

I froze and looked up at her. "Well… I hope that, you know one day I might…"

"Not one day. Today. If he came to pick you up and offered to whisk you away to a hotel room with rose petals and, I don't know sparkling cider, would you want to have sex with him? Don't take whether he wants to or not into account right now. Don't think about what your mom would say, what you think I think, or basically any idea of what you 'should' do. Just you. Just JJ. Are you interested in having sex right now?"

I closed my eyes and let the question permeate through my body. What did I want? With everything else removed, what did I really think? I opened my eyes and wrote sex on the right side.

"Alright. And now you know. This way you don't let your brain guilt talk you into something you don't actually want. And this isn't to say that you won't wake up next week feeling differently. It's just something to have as a guide in the back of your brain, something to come back to every now and then, just to check in. Alright now let's swing back to the other side of the scale. What about a kiss on the mouth?"

I marked it down on the left side. We continued making our way through the different forms of affection.

"I'm sorry, by the way." I told her as I marked down hand holding in the "YES" column.

"Sorry for what?"

"Last week. I was kind of a huge bitch to you. And I shouldn't have been."

"That's okay. You shouldn't feel restrained by ideas of politeness. Therapy isn't nice. As long as you aren't physically hurting anyone, I can handle just about anything you have, okay? Although I would prefer it if you didn't leave in the middle of a session. What about oral sex?"

"On me or him?"

"Great question! Two different acts, two separate 's start with you."

I closed my eyes and thought it over. I added it to the no column.

"And him?"

It was also added to the right.

"You were right about me being mad at my dad." I said softly.

"Why do you say that?"

"I had a nightmare Sunday night. It made Monday into a really shitty day. I ended up freaking out in the middle of the hallway and leaving school. I found myself in the middle of nowhere and I started yelling at my dad. It made me feel a little better."

She paused and looked at me. "When you say you freaked out in the middle of the hallway…"

"I was fine. I mean, my head hurt, and my stomach hurt, but I was getting through the day. And then I tripped and fell into a puddle and got wet and it felt like I was in my dream all over again. And when I got up it was like everything was in slow motion. And everybody's faces were… wrong. Like they were going to eat me or attack me. So I just ran."

She nodded. "But you felt a little better after yelling it out?"

"Yeah. I yelled, threw some rocks. I scared the crap out of a bird."

She gave me a small smile. "Whatever helps."


	40. Chapter 40

**(Chapter 40!)**

That Sunday, Will texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. I readily agreed, wanting to spend more time with him. He picked me up and we drove to the movie theater in the next largest town. We laughed and talked as we purchased our candy and popcorn. Even as the lights dimmed and the previews began, we kept whispering back and forth about anything and everything. Part way through the movie, I looked back over at him.

Something about the way the blue light flickered over his cheekbones held me captive. His eyes moved around the screen, taking in everything that was happening. A slow warmth spread through my chest. When Will came to my house in the aftermath of everything happening with my dad, I didn't understand why he was still pursuing me. I couldn't picture a future where I could even possibly be in a relationship with someone. But slowly life was becoming steadily more normal, and I was glad that he was still part of my life.

He glanced over at me. "You alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." I smiled.

"Popcorn?"

"Sure." I grabbed a handful and pressed a kiss onto his cheek before settling back into my seat and refocusing on the film.

After the movie, Will drove me home. He parked his truck in front of the house and took my hand, drawing soft circles on my palm with his thumb.

"Ready for school tomorrow?"

I shrugged. "As ready as I'm going to be I guess. You?"

"Yeah."

I tucked my hair behind my ear. "There's something… Something I actually wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay. What's up?"

"I… Uh…" I drummed my fingers on my thigh. It had been so common sense when I had talked about it with Dr. Blake. But now, sitting in the warmth of his truck, it seemed so naive and childish.

"I was talking with… With my therapist on Thursday. We were talking about y'know, physical stuff. She had me make a chart of what was okay, and wasn't okay. God that sounds so stupid, saying it aloud."

"It's not stupid," he countered. "It's important to you."

"Well… I thought I should probably share it with you, since you're… the only person I'm getting physical with." I resisted the urge to bury my face in my hands. This was mortifying.

"Well that sounds like a plan to me." I peeked up at him, finding nothing but care written on his face. "It's okay. Just tell me."

"Alright… Uh, well hand holding," I squeezed the hand clutching my own, "That's okay. Kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips, both okay. Hugging is okay. Making out is fine. Or, more than fine." I corrected myself.

Will gave me a grin. "Very fine."

"But uhm… everything else-"

"It's not allowed?"

"For now! And I know, it's dumb and childish, I mean junior high girls go further than that, it's just-"

"JJ. It's fine. Seriously, it's okay. If that's all your comfortable with, then we don't go any further." He gave me another smile. "I'm not hanging around for crazy, hot sex. I mean, I would- I didn't mean- you know what I mean." He took a breath to gather his thoughts. "It's fine. It doesn't change anything. I promise."

He leaned in. "But you said kissing was on the 'yes' side, correct?"

I glanced down at his lips, then let my gaze flicker back back up to his eyes. "Yeah. Kissing is a yes. So is making out."

"Making out was fine." Our faces came closer and closer.

"Very fine." Our lips finally met and I let my fingers softly stroke the back of his neck. He threaded his fingers through my hair and gently pulled me closer. I sighed as we kissed, finally able to be close to him without the fear of the unknown hanging in the back of my mind.

On the way to school the next morning, my mom had exciting news. "I got final confirmation from Travis this morning, we're going to Penn State for the long weekend! He was able to get off work, and I already booked the hotel just in case. I'm going to reach out today about doing a campus tour and maybe even sitting in on a few classes!"

"Oh wow, alright. When are we going?" We had talked about going to visit Travis at Penn, but I had no idea that it would be so soon.

"We're going to leave Friday after you get out of athletics. You're going to drive us the whole way."

"What? But… That's like four hours! And it's been snowing."

"It's three and a half, and yes it has, but you have to log hours driving in inclement weather. It's going to be fine, Mark and I will be there the whole time." I nodded and looked out the window, still not to sure about it. "You'll see, Jayje. This weekend is going to be really good for you. I promise."

I was super stressed out for the first thirty minutes of the drive to State College, but then I sort of relaxed into it. As the driver, I finally had control over the music, something I took great pleasure in. Mark gave a great show of hating the girl pop I picked, but I knew deep down he was just as big of a fan of The Spice Girls as my mom and I were. I got nervous again as I came into State College, if only because I had never driven in a town that size, but she assured me that I was doing fine. She gave me directions to our hotel. I dropped her off at the entrance and parked the suburban. Mark retrieved a luggage cart and we unloaded all of our things.

When we got to our room, she let us inside and I found myself frozen. There were two full size beds, one for them, one for me. I don't know what else I had expected, but there was something about having to sleep in the same room as Mark that left me deeply unsettled. Not that Mark had ever hurt me in any way; the better explanation was that it was almost exactly a year since this whole nightmare had begun. My mom noticed me not moving and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"What do you say we share a bed? It'll be like a slumber party." This let air rush back into my lungs.

"Yeah. It'll be fun," I said in relief.

"A whole weekend with a bed to myself? Without a pair of icy feet on me? Sign me up!" Mark crowed as he dropped his bags on the far bed. "This is going to be great!"

"Oh hush. You love my cold feet."

"It's just another facet of your charm," he reassured her.

"Alright, well we're going to meet Travis and Grace for dinner. Do what you need to do to get ready."

They were already seated at a table when we got to the Mexican food restaurant. Travis had pulled me into a tight hug that was quickly ruined by him tousling my hair, making it a mess. Grace turned out to be just as beautiful as Trav had described her over Christmas break. She had long dark hair that fell to her waist and olive skin. Over dinner she told us all about growing up in New York and how she was enjoying studying political science. I had only known a couple of the girls Travis had dated, but I knew two things for sure: one, Grace was by far the best girl he had ever dated. In high school he had leaned more towards the flirty cheerleader types. She was every bit as beautiful, but incredibly intelligent with a razor sharp wit that she wasn't afraid to throw his way when the situation called for it. Two, he was already head over heels in love with her. He looked at her like she hung the moon. It warmed my heart to see that my prankster, anything-for-a-laugh brother had found someone special.

Saturday was packed with activities. Mom had us up at the crack of dawn so we could tour the campus. This was followed by an informational meeting about potential majors and educational tracks. We ate lunch in the HUB, then took a look at a few of the residential halls. The final item on the itinerary was a presentation by several of the organizations on campus. We heard from intramural leaders, the head of the improv group, and representatives from several of the fraternities and sororities.

As we left the gym, Travis pulled me under his arm. "Why don't you two go out? We'll take Jayje out so she can have a look at the campus atmosphere."

"Oh I don't know…" my mom trailed off. "I thought maybe we would all go out."

"We have all day tomorrow and Monday morning. You guys should go out for dinner."

"There's an amazing Italian place over by your hotel, actually. They have a gnocchi dish that is absolutely to die for." Grace added in.

"That would be really nice, Sandy. Plus, I'm sure the campus is a lot different when there's not a pack of middle aged folk in khakis running amok. It'll be really useful." Mark put his arm around her.

"Okay, well… Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, let's go out for dinner."

We bundled them back into their car and then I turned back to face them.

"Okay so what are we actually doing?" I asked.

"My sorority is having a party tonight, we're going to take you." Grace said with a smile.

"Um I don't… I'm not exactly dressed for a party." I said, gesturing to my sweater and jeans.

"Oh don't sweat it, I've more than got you covered. It's a theme party anyway."

I looked over at Travis and he shrugged. "The DZ's always have a good time." We got into Travis's car and he drove us to Grace's apartment.

"So what's the theme anyway?"

"Back to the Nineties," they chorused. I tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a nervous chuckle. I had no idea what to expect.

Once at her apartment complex, Grace had let us inside. The apartment was girly but clean, with lots of pictures of Grace and her sorority sisters. She led me back to her room. She began to root through her clothing. "So we've had this planned since you guys decided to come and I tried to pick out clothes for you ahead of time but Travis was absolutely no help. I asked how tall you were and he was able to give me 'shorter than him, but taller than me.' Yeah no shit. You're what, 5'6?" That's much taller than my 5' 2." I didn't even attempt to get an actual size." She pulled out a gray plaid skirt and held it against her, then threw it on the bed.

"So it's just going to be the other girls?"

"Oh no," she laughed, "It's the Delta Zetas, our brothers, the Lambda Chis, and just whoever decides to show up. It should be a lot of fun. They've been setting up all day. That's why no one's here."

"Oh I'm sorry you messed out on helping."

She shrugged as she began digging through a drawer, throwing several tops onto the bed. "I don't mind missing. I've definitely put in my time, it's time for some of the underclassmen to pick up the slack." She stood back and studied the clothes she had picked out. "Alright. Let's do… the gray skirt. Your legs are a million miles long and it's the longest one I own. And let's pair it back to… this. She picked up a pale blue, strappy crop top. Try these."

She began to change into her own outfit and I turned away to put on the clothes she handed to me. "What about my shoes?"

"Your converse are good." I turned around and she gave me a once over. "Yes. You look hot kid!" she grinned. It was starting to seem like I would never outgrow Travis's stupid nickname. She sat me down on the end of her bed and tugged half up my hair up in a scrunchie. "God boys must love you."

"Not… Not really. Up until recently, I had never had a boyfriend."

"Oh yeah, Trav was telling me about him. He sounds sweet."

I smiled. "He really is."

She gave me a final once over. "Alright, let's go!"

Travis looked up as we came out of her bedroom and practically jumped to his feet. "Absolutely not. Take that off."

"What is your issue? She looks great!"

"Yeah, and it's not okay. No way, Jayje, go change."

"Trav the theme is Nineties-"

"Then she can wear overalls and a windbreaker. She's not wearing that."

"I'm right here-"

"You don't get to police what she wears!"

Trav took a deep breath, apparently choosing his words very carefully. "I would very much prefer if my baby sister, who is still a minor, did not wear that. Please Grace. I know I'm upholding the patriarchy, but please find something else for her to wear."

She gave a dramatic sigh. "Okay fine." She led me back into her room.

"He's lucky I love him. And that he's cute when he goes into overprotective older brother mode." She dug around in the discarded clothes on the bed. She extracted a short sleeve turtleneck top. "I don't care what he says, you're wearing the skirt. It's the longest I own. Try this." I dutifully exchanged the shirts. She nodded when I turned back around. "Well thankfully you look good in anything. Here put my denim jacket on for now, an then once we're at the party you can take it off."

Travis still wasn't pumped about my skirt, but after a look from Grace decided that it wasn't worth the fight.

Grace really hadn't been kidding when she said they had been decorating all day. The sorority house looked amazing. It was packed with people, and we had to fight our way inside. Travis grabbed a beer and Grace poured two cups of the aptly named Nickelodeon Slime punch. I peered down at the bright green liquid.

"What is this?"

"So much. Pretty much any alcohol we had plus a hit ton of apple pucker. Don't worry it's good." She took a sip and gestured for me to do the same.

I began to cough. "That's strong," I called over the music.

"Oh yeah. Without a doubt." We waded through the see of neon jackets, crop tops, and baggy pants to rejoin where Travis had begun talking to some of his friends. He introduced me and they went back to talking about one of their economics professors. Grace pointed out people in the room to me, but then was pulled away to do a group photo with her sisters. Travis's friends moved on to debating an ethics topic that came up in a class and I grew bored. I wandered to a nearby table and began to fill a plate with food. Right as I reached for a handful of chex mix, a guy sidled up next to me.

"Why is a girl as hot as you all alone?" His eyes were droopy, already glazed over with alcohol. He was wearing acid wash jeans and an open button down shirt. The outfit was topped off my a backwards baseball cap, and when he turned to look over his shoulder, I could see that it read 'I Support Single Moms' with an image of a stripper on a pole.

"Uh… hi." I finally responded.

"I'm serious. You're a ten."

"Thanks. My boyfriend thinks so too."

"He's a dumb ass. I wouldn't let you out of my sight if you were mine."

"Well, then it's a good thing I'm not." I glanced around, trying to see Travis or Grace.

"But you could be. We could go upstairs right now, get nasty."

"Yeah, I'm good, thanks." I abandoned my food and tried to brush past him but he wrapped an arm around my waist, keeping me there. He leaned in close to my ear.

"C'mon don't be like that." He placed a sloppy kiss on my jaw and I shoved him hard. He stumbled backwards in surprise, then a look of anger crossed his face. "Listen here, you stupid bitch," he began, but before he had the chance, Travis stepped in between us.

"What did you say to my little sister?" he asked, no trace of laughter in his voice.

"I didn't… Look man, she shouldn't be dressed like that if she doesn't want-"

"Chad. I wasn't aware that Betas were invited tonight." Grace came out of nowhere to insert herself between them. "In fact, if I remember correctly, Beta Theta Pi's were banned from all DZ functions. Isn't that right Chad?"

"I just came to have a good time, it's not my fault-"

"What? Not you fault that you're a huge sleaze who is incapable of reading body language and who's only hope of ever getting laid is praying on girls who are so drunk they don't know up from down and girls who are obviously way too young for him? But then again, most of the girls at this university are too young for you because you're a sad, pathetic seven-year senior who will only graduate if his rich, privileged father buys someone off. So how about you turn around and get the hell out of our sorority house before we call the cops and have you arrested for breaking and entering."

He gaped at her then finally turned and skulked off into the crowd. She turned and laid a hand on Travis's face. "It's fine, everything is taken care of. Calm down, babe." She looked over at me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine he's just some jerk."

Travis turned to face me. "No one gets to talk to you like that."

I placed my hands on his shoulders. "Hey. Trav I'm fine. I'm okay, I promise."

He took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. Hey, there's someone I think you should meet." He put an arm around my shoulders and guided me across the room. We came to a stop in front of a girl with long strawberry blonde hair held back with several butterfly clips.

"Jayje, this is-"

"Casey Crouse, senior forward for the women's soccer team." I finished in a star struck rush. I had watched her play for several years and I couldn't believe that she was in front of me.

"Hey there," she laughed.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be weird."

"No it's fine." She took a sip of her drink. "I was in freshman government with Travis. He says you play soccer?"

"Yeah, at Creekside High. We're small, only A division."

"That's alright, everyone starts somewhere. You're wanting to play in college?"

"I mean, that's the dream."

Travis patted me on the back. "I'll leave you to it."

I talked with Casey for almost thirty minutes, eagerly wanting to get her thoughts on being a college player and also rehashing some of their recent games. Suddenly, Grace was at my elbow.

"Your presence is being requested," she told me. "Are you having a good time Casey?"

"Oh yeah. This punch is amazing."

"Please, drink up. We made so much!"

"Bye JJ, it was nice to meet you."

"You too!" I called as Grace led me away. "Holy shit, I just met Casey Crouse."

"Yeah, and you got a little fangirly," she teased.

"Where are we going?"

"Someone suggested to Trav that you don't know how to play beer pong and he has decided that it is his sacred duty as an older brother to teach you."

We arrived at the table and Travis pulled me to stand by him. Grace took my cup and went to refill it while he gave me a brief summary of the rules. We started a round and while I struggled at first, I soon fell into a groove and Travis and I became unstoppable. Grace kept bringing us more drinks as she flitted around, making sure that everything was running smoothly, and we took down pair after pair of competitors.

After our fifth straight victory, he checked his phone.

"Oh shit."

"What's wrong?" The alcohol had left my body feeling loose and buoyant, and I couldn't help but bob along to the music on the stereo. He showed me his screen. It was nearly two am and he had multiple texts from my mom, as well as a few missed calls.

"Oh no."

"Oh no is right." He turned back to the Lambda Chis who had queued up to challenge us. "It's your lucky day, I have to get Cinderella home before she goes full pumpkin." We began to look for Grace, but almost as if on cue, she showed up, throwing her arms around Travis's neck.

"We have to take JJ back."

"But we're having so much fun!" she pouted.

"I know, but Mom is getting antsy." We made our way outside to his car.

"Wait are you okay to drive?" I asked.

He gave me a look. "JJ. I'm a junior in college and I had four beers. Just because you and lightweight of the year," he gestured to Grace, "are all giggly and stumbling around after three cups of punch, doesn't mean I'm anywhere close."

I hadn't realized just how tipsy I was till I was in the backseat. My head was swimming and all of the lights outside the car window were muted and dim. I rolled down the window and let my head rest on the door. The cold air felt good on my face.

"Don't throw up in my car."

"I'm not going to throw up," I assured him.

When we got in the elevator, Grace linked her hand in mine. "So what's the verdict? How do you like Penn State?"

"I freaking LOVE it," I gushed. They both laughed.

"You're drunk," she told me affectionately.

"No I'm not."

"Well you better do a better job of acting like you aren't, or Mom's going to lose it." He knocked on the door to our room and moments later it swung open to reveal Mark.

He took a moment to really take us in, from Grace and I's outfits to the fact Travis had a firm grip on both of us. "Oh boy."

He stepped back to let us in, and Mom came hurrying out of the bathroom. "Where have you guys been? Why didn't you answer- what in heaven's name are you wearing?"

"Everything is okay, we'll bring JJ's clothes to breakfast tomorrow." Travis gently sat me on the bed and Grace plopped down beside me.

"Where did you go?" she asked, her eyebrows drawn.

"Grace's sorority had a little get together, we thought it would help JJ meet people.

A sudden urgent thought popped into my head. "I met Casey Crouse!" I told her excitedly.

Mom narrowed her eyes at Trav. "Travis Matthew, did you take your sixteen year old sister out drinking to a frat party?" Her voice was becoming louder and shriller.

"Not a frat party, a sorority." I clarified from the bed. Grace patted my shoulder and gently shushed me.

""What were you thinking?"

"Mom, she was with Grace and I the entire time, she's fine. It was just a fun way to give her a tiny taste of college."

"She's not in college yet! She's underage, an now that we're getting around to it, so are you!" She whacked him on the arm.

I stood up from the bed. "Mom, don't be mad at Travis. I had so much fun! I got to meet people and talk and, and… No one knew who I was! And it was great, Mom. I had a great time." Her eyes began to soften a bit so I kept talking. "I got to be just a girl and people were dancing… The people were nice! Well, except this one guy, who was a complete ASSHOLE but Grace swooped in like freaking Wonder Woman and basically told him to go suck his own-"

"What JJ is trying to say," Travis cut in, "is that she was safe, and got an honest look into university life. We took care of her."

"He did. He was the best. The best brother ever." I bumped my shoulder into his but then kept falling, off balance. He caught me and helped me upright. "I'm alright, Mom." I assured her.

She stared at us for a long moment then turned to Mark. "What do you think about this?"

"Well… No one was hurt, no one was arrested, no property was damaged. I think it could have been a lot worse."

She sighed. "That's true I suppose." She rested a hand on her hip and pointed the other at me. "This is not going to be a thing that happens now."

"Nope. Not gonna happen." I held up one of my hands in a mock oath.

She shook her head. "I'm pretty sure I owned that outfit my first year of college," she said, changing the subject.

"Doesn't she look so great?" Grace piped up from the bed.

"Alright, you guys better head home. We're still meeting for breakfast tomorrow, eight am sharp."

Travis groaned. "Mom that's in like five and a half hours."

She cocked an eyebrow at him. "I did not force you to go out tonight!" she reminded us.

"Alright, alright. C'mon Grace, we better go." He helped her to her feet.

"My feet hurt," she complained as they made their way into the hallway.

"Do you want a piggyback ride?"

Her eyes lit up. "Yes!"

He helped her climb onto his back. "Alright, see you guys at the crack of dawn."

Mom shut the door and locked it before turning back to me. "Alright, Drowsy let's get you ready for bed."

After we were in bed with the light turned off, I wiggled closer and threw my am around her. "I really did have a good time." I mumbled as sleep started to overcome me.

She smoothed my hair down. "I'm glad baby."


	41. Chapter 41

**(Here's a sweet fluffy chapter.)**

We had all dragged ourselves to breakfast the next morning, Grace and I definitely looking a little worse for wear. We had taken a low key day to explore the town. Travis took us to their favorite coffee shop and we stopped in at some of the touristy attractions.

As I drove us home on Monday, my mom glanced up from the book she was reading. "So overall what did you think?"

"I really liked it." I glanced into my side mirror, making sure no one was behind me as I put on my blinker to pass a truck. "The campus was great, the people were nice. I still can't believe I met Casey Crouse. And she was just as nice in person as she seems in interviews!"

"That's good honey." She leaned over and rubbed my arm.

"Can you see yourself going there?" asked Mark from the backseat.

I merged back into the left hand lane. "I don't know. I'm honestly having a hard time imagining myself at any college because I have no idea what I want to study."

"Well, you know I love you more than anything, but we can probably rule out the arts.," my mom quipped.

I couldn't even be mad. "Yeah no kidding," I laughed.

"What about something in STEM? You're doing pretty well in your Chemistry class, right?" Mark asked.

"Yeah, but mainly just because I'm working my butt off, not necessarily because I enjoy science that much." I reconsidered. "Well, I guess I don't dislike science. But it doesn't interest me much. And as far as math goes, I would rather be a waitress for the rest of my life before picking a career that uses algebraic equations."

"I don't know that you would be a good waitress."

"I don't know, she has a pretty good poker face," Mark countered. "That's imperative for a career in customer service."

"What about… Marine biology?" suggested my mom.

"Where did that come from?" I asked.

"Well as a little girl you loved dolphins!"

Mark laughed. "I think all little girls like dolphins. Dolphins and horses."

"I would have made a great cowgirl if my request for a pony had ever been indulged." I deadpanned.

"Well, it's never too late! You can go into, I don't know, equestrian breeding."

"Mark don't encourage her."

"Well what about something business related like Travis?"

"No way. He and his friends were talking at the DZ party and it was so boring."

"You know what I could see you doing? Something like… Like social work. With your protectiveness and your ability to care and empathize with people, I think it would be something you would be really great at," he remarked.

"You think so?" I glanced at him through the rear view mirror.

"Yeah. I really do."

"Or you know what, you're such a talented writer, maybe you should look into something communication heavy like pre law or journalism." She gave a short laugh. "You could be the next Barbara Walters."

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. "Maybe I will," I said with a smile.

Tuesday was school like normal, but Wednesday I stayed home. My mom didn't need to call the school; they knew I wouldn't be coming in. I never did on January 24th. It was the anniversary of the day Rosalind committed suicide.

I slept late into the morning. When I finally got up and went downstairs, my mom and Mark were curled up on the couch, still in their pajamas even though it was pushing noon. They didn't say anything; instead she just opened her arms and I tucked myself into her side.

It had been five years. The time had seemed to both crawl by and flicker past in an instant. To be honest, my mind had thankfully blocked most of that morning out. I was so young that my brain had been completely unable to process the grief of finding Ros. Instead I remembered waking up and needing to pee really badly. I had a crystal clear picture up until pushing open the bedroom door, then everything was a dark jumble until her funeral a few days later. From the little my mom had said over the years, it was better that I didn't remember. I had experienced enough nightmares as is.

Eventually, we quietly got dressed and poured ourselves bowls of cereal. Then we loaded into the suburban and Mark drove us to the cemetery. We stopped at Anderson's and picked up a bouquet of roses on the way.

On the first anniversary, it had been me, Travis, Mom, and Dad. They had already began to grow apart, and I remembered clinging to him as tears streamed down my face. The following years had been variations on the same theme. Last year was a bit of a blur. Travis hadn't been able to come home since it was just a few weeks into the spring semester. My mom had clutched Mark's hand and I stood numbly between her and my dad. Just a few weeks earlier had been the first night he stumbled into my bedroom, and it felt like my insides were frozen, standing next to him at my sister's grave.

But this year it was just us. We didn't say much as we stood and looked down at her headstone. Mom sniffed as she placed the roses in the plastic holder that had been embedded into the ground. Mark took her hand, and then she gently took mine. I laid my head against her shoulder.

Later that night, we popped in Ros's favorite movie and resettled on the couch. We watched the camera pan over the rooftops of Great Depression era New York City, before coming to rest on little orphan Annie. She began to sing 'Maybe' to the littlest orphan.

"I miss Rosalind," I said softly.

"I know," she responded, gently patting my knee. "I do too."

The next day was a normal school day, followed by therapy with Dr. Blake. We talked about my trip to Penn State and how I had handled the anniversary of Ros's death. The rest of the week and the weekend passed quickly as another four inches of snow fell. Suddenly it was Monday.

I was buried deep beneath my covers, desperate to get as much sleep as possible before getting up for school when I was awoken by singing. I squinted my eyes open to find my mom and Mark standing in my doorway. He was carrying a TV tray with a cup of coffee and a plate of french toast, complete with candles. I smiled and groaned as they continued singing Happy Birthday. I made myself sit up and and he placed the tray over my legs as they came to the end of the song.

"And many mooooooore…." Mark bellowed out in loud, low baritone.

"Make a wish!" I did as she instructed then blew out the candles.

"Happy birthday, sweetie! I can't believe that you're seventeen!"

"Thanks," I said, bringing the coffee to my lips.

"Do you feel any different?" Mark asked.

"Well, my back hurts and my throat's kind of sore. Is that normal?"

"Jeez, did you turn seventeen or seventy?" he joked.

"No kidding." I cut off a piece of french toast. "At this point, I should probably just turn in my cleats for a walker."

"You and me both sister." Mom sat on my bed. "Do you want your present now or later?"

"Now!"

She laughed and gestured to Mark as she moved the plate of french toast to the side. He stepped into the hall and brought back a large box wrapped in light blue paper. He handed it to me and I began to rip away the paper. I opened the box to find it stuffed with tissue paper. I rifled through it, but couldn't find anything.

"Is it empty?" I finally asked in confusion.

They both laughed. "No, it's just small. Keep looking." Mom instructed.

I began to take the tissue out, piece by piece. Then suddenly, I saw something metallic glimmer at the bottom of the box. As soon as my hand closed around them, I froze.

"You didn't."

My mom tried as hard as she could to suppress a smile. "Didn't what?"

"You…" I finally brought my hand put of the box and opened it. In my palm lay a set of car keys. "You didn't." I repeated in shock.

"Maybe you should go look outside." Mark said with a wink, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. I jumped from my bed, sending tissue paper everywhere and headed down the stairs in a flash.

"Wait! You're not wearing a coat! Or shoes! It's twenty degrees outside!" Mom called as they followed, but I ignored her. I jumped the last couple of steps then ripped open the front door. I was hit by a blast of icy air, but only had eyes for the red car sitting in front of the house. I barely contained my shriek as I ran across the snowy lawn, my socks immediately becoming drenched.

I couldn't believe it, even as I rested my hands on the hood. A car. A real car. I turned around and looked at where they were standing just inside the door. Unable to speak, I merely pointed at the car then back at myself.

"Yup. It's all yours," he called. I ran back across the lawn and threw myself into them, nearly knocking them over with the force of my hug. Part of me was embarrassed as I began to cry a little bit, but I was mostly too overwhelmed to care.

"Oh my god. I can't… Thank you! I can't believe that you… A car!"

"Normally we would have gotten you a car for your sixteenth birthday like everyone else, but better late than never, yeah?" Mom said with a grin as Mark shut the door.

"But… But I can't drive yet? I only have my permit."

"Well, this way if you get in a few little fender benders while you're learning, at least it's not in Mom's suburban." Mark said.

I threw my arms around her neck. "This is… Thank you so much. I'm serious. I never would have guessed."

I pulled back and looked at Mark and he nodded at me with a smile, but then I surprised all of us by throwing my arms around him as well. "Thank you. I love it."

I released his neck and looked at both of them. I wiped my cheeks, my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. "Thank you. I love you."

"We love you too. Now run upstairs and hop in the shower, you'll never get to drive it if you catch your death of pneumonia."

I got to drive the new car to school, my mom riding shotgun. I still couldn't believe that it was mine. "It's a 2013, it belonged to some woman who worked from home so it only has 50,000 miles on it. I think it's a great starter car."

"I love it," I reiterated as I pulled up to the school.

In first period, Penelope bounced up our desk and placed a cupcake in front of me. "Happy birthday!" she yelled.

"Thanks!" I said with a grin, using my finger to sample some of the icing. "This has been the best morning ever."

"Really? What'd you get from your family?"

I tried to contain my smile. "Oh you know… A car."

She let out a screech and gave me a hug. "That's so cool! Now you can drive us places!"

"Well, I still only have a permit, so I can't drive without an adult until May, but someday yes!"

"Have you thought of a name? Oh my god JJ, you have to give her a name. A really good one. It's super important. Don't worry I'll help you think of one." Ms. Prentiss came to stand at the front of the room, and she bumped her shoulder gently into mine. "I'm glad it's turning out to be a good day." she loudly whispered.

Will drove me home after athletics and I was still completely overjoyed. As soon as he pulled to a stop behind it, I jumped from the cab, not even waiting for him to turn off the truck.

"I've never seen you like this," he chuckled as he gt out a few seconds later.

"I don't know! I can't describe it, I just… After such a shitty year, where nothing has been right or normal, I feel… I don't know. I feel like a normal teenage girl. Does that make sense?" I turned back to grin at my car before jumping up and down a few times. "Will, I have a car!"

He laughed. "I know. And I can't wait for you to drive us somewhere in it. But for right now,I'm so cold. Can we go inside?"

I giggled as I took a few steps towards him. "Aw, poor southern boy doesn't like the snow?"

"Excuse me, but it's below freezing! Does anyone actually like this?"

I began to lead us into the house before turning to grin at him. "I like the winter. There's ice skating-"

"Another thing I'm so great at," he grumbled.

"-and hot chocolate and snow angels." I leaned down and gathered a handful then tossed it over head, making it fall down on us. "And you know what else?"

I took a few steps further and leaned down to gather another handful of snow.

"What's that?"

"This." I lobbed the snowball at him, catching him square in the face, laughing at his look of shock and betrayal.

"Oh, it is on."

He began to chase me and I let out a shriek as I began to run away, our laughter echoing down the wintry street.


	42. Chapter 42

**(Take advantage of this fluff fest- Next chapter I'm back at it with the angst)**

Late Wednesday night, a huge snowstorm rolled through, burying our town in a foot of snow. As soon as I woke up, I went down and turned on the news to check for weather delays. Sure enough, the district decided to cancel school for the day. I considered going back to bed, but eventually decided that I might as well stay up.

Mom was in the dining room, the table dominated by her laptop and several stacks of papers.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well… Do you remember Tonya? We worked together under Don?"

I nodded. "Yeah, she quit a couple years ago, right? Because she had a baby?"

"Yeah. Well that baby is now six, and they have another little girl who's four, but we've decided to open up our own firm."

My mouth dropped. "What? Mom that's so cool!"

She smiled and stood to refill her coffee cup. "We thought so too."

"When? Or where, I guess?"

"Now, I suppose," she laughed. "We're officially open for business. And our first client is ourselves; we're trying to find office space to rent. Until then the headquarters of Crossroads Reality is going to be our dining room and her den."

"Crossroads Reality, how chic!"

"Yeah, she suggested it. I thought it had some nice symbolism to it. Can you keep a secret, though?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Sure?"

"She got the idea from the Britney Spears movie."

I began to cackle with laughter. "Like all good business ventures do."

"Hey, it is a great movie! I'm pretty sure we still own it on VHS somewhere."

"Too bad we don't have a VCR." I laughed as she rolled her eyes. "Seriously though, this is really cool Mom. You're gonna be great."

After several hours of trying to convince Penelope to come over, I finally bundled up and waded the several blocks to her house. When I arrived she was cuddled up under four or five blankets on the couch.

"A foot of snow? A foot?! Who am I, Sacagawea? I'm not going out in this madness!"

"Pen it's really not that bad-"

"A foot, JJ! That is unacceptable in the civilized world!"

"Well, you don't live in the civilized world anymore, you live in Pennsylvania." I stuck out my tongue at her as I slowly removed all of my outer layers.

"Don't I know it." She took a sip from her cup of coffee. "Any who, what do you want to do now that you're here?"

"I don't care! We can watch a movie. Or we could go outside and build a snowman?" I gave her an optimistic grin and she cocked an eyebrow.

"You see all of this beautifulness? Staying inside, where it's warm, where there are fuzzy blankets." I flopped down on the couch beside her.

"Alright, what do you wanna watch?"

She began to flick through Netflix. "Let's see…. We could watch Forrest Gump?"

"Nah, I'm not in the mood. What about the Babadook?"

She gave me a scandalized look. "What? Absolutely not!"

"Well then what?"

"Hmm… What about Pulp Fiction? I haven't seen that in so long!"

"I've never seen it."

"What? JJ, it's one of the best films ever made, how have you made it seventeen years without watching it?"

"I don't know, I just… haven't. I don't know I've never really been one for crime dramas."

"Well, we're watching it. It is my duty as a friend."

"If you say so," I laughed.

That evening, after fighting my way back through the snow, I got a text from Will.

' **Hey crazy. How was your snow day?'**

' **Good! I spent most of it at Pen's house. How bout you? Frozen solid? : )'**

I waited for his reply as I washed my face.

' **You mean you actually went outside in this batshit snow? You really are crazy haha'**

' **It's not that bad! You'll get used to it!'**

I went to my room and slid beneath the covers. My phone vibrated.

' **I highly doubt that'**

I laughed and sent him a kissy face emoji.

' **Hey do you have plans for this weekend?'**

' **Not that I know of'**

' **We're having a family thing for my grandma's birthday. Wanna tag along? There'll be good food and music. That is, if we don't get hit with another blizzard.'**

I smiled.

' **That sounds like a lot of fun. Count me in'**

He came by and picked me up Saturday morning, giving me a kiss on the lips as he held open the door to the truck.

"So we're headed to your house? Or Miss Norma's?"

He laughed. "She's not your piano teacher anymore, Jayje; you don't have to call her that."

"I don't think I could call her anything else if I tried."

"But no, it's not at either. We're actually headed over to Erie. My mom booked one of the event spaces at the Bayfront."

"Wait… The Bayfront? That's where we have prom." A thought occurred to me. "Will, it's going to be a lot more than just us, your parents, Cassie, and Miss Norma, isn't it?"

He drummed his fingers on my knee then gave me a grin. "A bit more, yeah."

"How many more?"

"Well… My mom is one of four… And they've all gotten married and had kids, a lot of my older cousins have also gotten married and started having kids. She invited all of grandma's living siblings, their kids, their kids' kids… and all the spouses… Plus all of Grandma's friends from church. Probably about a hundred?"

"Will! You made it seem like it was going to be a… little family thing! I'm going to be meeting you're entire extended family?"

"Well, to be completely fair, I will also be meeting some of these people for the first time. So we're even!" He grabbed my hand. "Hey. It's gonna be okay. If you're nervous about it, we can tell her happy birthday, make a few plates of barbeque, snag some cake and come back home."

I squeezed his hand back. "Will, you're not missing out on your grandma's birthday for me."

"I'm serious. Just say the word, and we'll leave, okay?"

"Alright," I grumbled. "I hope I'm dressed okay." I said, looking down at my flannel and jeans. I had dressed sort of nice, putting on makeup and pretty earrings, but I had also dressed for the snow that was still on the ground.

"You look perfect. Seriously, don't stress about this. It's going to be fine."

When we arrived at the East Ballroom, it was already teeming with people. Thankfully, most of them were dressed very similarly to me. Will placed a gentle hand on my back and led me to where his parents were.

"JJ, hi!" His mom stood up to give me a hug. I had met them a few times since Will and I had begun dating.

"Hi Sheila. It looks wonderful in here!" Will helped me out of my coat.

"Oh thank you. My sisters and I have put in quite a bit of work!"

"Hey there darlin!' Don't you look pretty as a picture." Will's dad, Will Sr, waved from the other side of the table. He was a giant of a man, well over six feet tall and built like a linebacker, completely opposite of Sheila's small stature. He had a much thicker accent than Will or Cassie.

"Thank you."

"Where's Grandma? We wanna go say hi."

"Last I saw she was gossiping with Wanda Everson about what went down in last week's bible meeting."

We both laughed. "Alright, we'll head that way." We walked between the tables, Will greeting relatives as we passed.

We found Miss Norma sitting at a table surrounded by her friends. She had probably been around Sheila's size when she was younger, but with old age had become absolutely tiny. Perched on top of her curly white hair was a ginormous mint green hat that matched her pantsuit. When she saw us, she excused herself and stood up, leaning heavily on her wooden cane.

"William! Look at you! So mighty handsome and strong!" He bent down and kissed her cheek. She turned to me. "And you've brought along Jennifer! How nice to see you honey." She grabbed my arm and pulled me close with surprising strength, pressing her thin lips to my cheekbone.

"Happy birthday, Miss Norma."

"Yeah, happy birthday Grandma."

"Thank you, thank you. It's a real turn out, isn't it?" She gestured around with her hand.

"Yes ma'am. I love your hat," I told her.

"Thank you dear!" She patted at it, absent mindedly. "It makes it easier for people to find me in a crowd." Will and I both laughed.

"So JJ says she took lessons with you when she was a kid," said Will.

"Oh yes, yes. I had all of the Jareau kids. You and Travis didn't stay very long though. Can't blame you, you were both so squirmy. I had to threaten to tie you to the bench with a scarf a few times. In fact I may actually have with Travis." She thought for a second, then shrugged with a smile. "That boy was pure mischief."

"He still is," I assured her.

"Rosalind though… She was pretty good, like your mother. She had a good ear for musicality, was a good student when I could get her to stop singing along." She smiled. "You do look so much alike. All three of you."

I smiled and Will rubbed my back. "Thank you, Miss Norma."

"I hear you two are together now? That's nice, very nice. When you settle down and start having some kids there's a good chance they'll have some musical talent. You'll have to send them my way."

"Oh Grandma, I don't know that… That's still a long way off." Will laughed and rubbed at the back of his neck.

"Well I won't be around forever, William. Time is a-ticking."

"But… We're in high school." He pointed out.

She waved his comment away. "What does that matter? Why, your Poppa proposed to me at my graduation! I had my bridal shower on the summer solstice, we were married the day after Independence Day, and I was pregnant with your Aunt Bev by Christmas. You kids wait around so long nowadays. It says in Genesis, 'And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.' Multiply, William, he says it twice. Oh there's Ilene, I need to speak to her about whoever is doing her hair these days. You take care, dear." She patted my shoulder and set off across the room, her wooden cane thumping against the floor.

We stood for a moment before we began to laugh, tears threatening to fall.

"Man she hasn't changed a bit," I giggled.

"Good for our hypothetical kids though. I'm glad she thinks they might not be useless." We saw his parents in line for food and came to stand behind them.

"How's Mother doing?" Sheila asked.

"Well, she approved of JJ even though she wasn't a good piano student, and then she told me to go multiply."

"It's probably because she knows you're shit at math, son."

Sheila smacked Will Sr. on the arms. "Oh he is not, stop telling him that. What does that mean?" she asked her son.

Will piled brisket on both of our plates. "She wants us to hurry up and have a baby."

She paled. "Oh Lord, there's certainly time enough for that."

"She pointed out that she's not going to be here forever," I added.

She shook her head and gazed up at the ceiling. "That woman will be the death of me."

After we finished stuffing ourselves with food, they turned up the music and people began to take the dance floor. Will offered me his hand. "Shall we?"

I followed him to the dance floor and he took me in his arms.

"I should warn you, I really don't dance," I told him.

"Well you're in luck," he moved his hand from my hip to the small of my back so he could direct me better, "because I've been told I'm a fantastic teacher."

I laughed. "Well by all means, we should probably go and multiply right now so that you can pass along your gift to our offspring." He gave a strained chuckle. "What's wrong? I didn't step on your feet did I?"

"No, it's just… hearing my grandma talk about multiplying and hearing you talk about us multiplying… It's just a very different reaction." He took a deep breath and cleared his throat before grinning down at me. "One that's maybe not so appropriate for a family gathering."

My cheeks flushed maroon. "Oh. Got it." He spun me around then took me back in his arms.

"I'm so glad you came with me."

"Yeah?" I looked up at him.

"Yeah." He pressed a kiss to my mouth, and I lifted up on my tiptoes to meet him. A wolf whistle broke us apart and we turned to see his parents glide past, Will Sr. sporting a wide grin and Sheila giving us a highly apologetic look.

We smiled at each other, embarrassed, then I laid my head on his chest, letting him dance us around the floor.


	43. Chapter 43

**(Alright everybody, here's chapter 43. Like I said at the beginning of the last chapter, we're revisiting some darker themes here. Trigger warnings are in effect.)**

My appointment with Dr. Blake had obviously been cancelled when we got the big snow storm, so I met her at her office on Monday instead. She sneezed several times as she held the door open for me to come in.

"Feeling alright?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes and wiped at her nose with a tissue. "That would depend on who you ask. I think I just have a touch of allergies. My husband, the other Dr. Blake, insists that I have a cold. For some reason he feels his MD tops my PhD in this area, but as of right now we're agreeing to disagree." She gave me a tired smile. "Either way, I'll try my best to keep my allergies on this side of the desk." She took a sip from her mug and unwrapped a cough drop.

"Now we haven't seen each other in a week and a half. What's been going on?"

"Not much."

"I don't know about that! You had your birthday, right?"

"Oh yeah!"

"Get anything good?"

"My parents got me a car," I told her with a shy smile.

She gave me a wide smile. "How about that! That's super exciting!"

I nodded. "It's a 2013 Chevy Impala."

"What color?"

"Red. My friend Penelope and I decided her name is Dottie."

"That sounds like a great name."

"Thanks."

"Do your parents normally do such a big gift for your birthday?"

"Not really. I mean all of my siblings got cars on their sixteenth birthdays, but they had their permits already. I didn't so they waited a year. But usually it's just small things. Clothes, books, stuff like that. I don't like to make a big deal on my birthday."

"Why not? It's exciting."

I shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't like it."

She nodded, then tilted her head. "January is also just kind of a big month for you isn't it? It's the month you were born, yes, but also the month you lost your sister, the month the abuse started. That's a lot to be contained within thirty one days."

"Not even that long," I corrected without thinking.

"What makes you say that?"

"From the… the first day, the sixth, to my birthday, the thirtieth… It's only twenty five days."

"That's true." We sat in silence for a couple minutes.

"I went to a party with Will's family," I supplied.

"Oh? And how was that?"

"It was fun. His grandma is crazy, she's so funny."

"I'm glad you had a good time. And the two of you are still doing well? Even in the aftermath of the physical boundaries discussion?"

"Oh yeah. He… He's been great."

"Good." She began to cough. "Sorry, I know I don't sound the best."

"It's alright."

"Man, a new car. That's a step towards adulthood."

I laughed softly. "Yeah, except I can't drive it by myself yet."

"But you will before you know it. It's a lot of responsibility, though. Do you feel ready?"

"I guess so. I mean, I'll have to worry about gas and making sure the oil is changed and keeping it clean and stuff. Mark said he's going to teach me how to change a tire."

She smiled. "That's good. This is going to give you a lot of independence you maybe didn't realize you were lacking."

"It'll be nice to just… go when I need something. Not having to coordinate with Mom and Mark or ask a favor of a friend."

She tapped her pen against her desk. "JJ… once you can drive, the opportunity is going to present itself where you want to use this freedom to escape, to try to outrun your problems and avoid dealing with things. It's completely natural, and I'm sure you've already experienced the urge to remove yourself from situations that feel too uncomfortable. In fact, I know you have, because you've done it during a session." She smiled. "But it's important that you don't run. I know it can seem appealing, to put off dealing with something until you feel more prepared, but it only makes things worse."

I picked at the hem of my sweater. "I know."

"It's just something to be aware of, something to prepare for, especially as we get closer to you getting your license."

"Okay."

She sneezed several times, then wiped her nose. "Excuse me. So, have you thought any more about college?"

Thursday afternoon, Will dropped me off at my house but didn't come in, needing to help his dad with something. My mom was out with Tonya, looking at perspective office spaces. When I was unlocking the door, I saw that the mail was sticking out of the box and I took it inside with me. Once inside I threw it on the table as I took off my coat and shoes. I grabbed my copy of Runner's World from the top of the pile and saw a plain white envelope lying beneath with my name printed on it. I picked it up with interest.

I rarely received mail. What if it was from a college scout? My stomach seemed to swoop out from under me. That was the only explanation that I could think of. I weighed it in my hands. It didn't feel very heavy. Should I wait until my mom got home to open it? But then again, if it was say from the University of Pittsburgh, saying they were no longer interested, I would rather not get her hopes up.

I brought it with me into the living room. It didn't seem very likely that they would have sent me a rejection letter. I cautiously allowed myself to embrace the thrill that seemed to tingle through my body. It was as if something in my body knew that it was going to be good news.

I sat on the couch and let myself rip it open. I pulled out a folded up sheet of notebook paper. That pretty much ruled out anything from a college. What the hell was it then?

I took out the paper and started to read, but my entire body seemed to lock up as I recognized the hand writing.

' _Dear Jen,_

 _They said I couldn't write to you, but I can't help it. Everything happened so fast, I never got a chance to talk to you._

 _I love you so much. I never meant to hurt you. Baby you have to believe me. I love you, I've never done anything but love you. I just felt like my life was falling to pieces and I was trying so hard to keep it together._

 _I miss Ros so much. Losing her was like losing part of myself. But I would have been okay if you're mom hadn't taken you away from me. You left me all alone. I was all alone and I had nothing._

 _I know you didn't mean to do this, that you're just confused. They put these ideas in your head. You know I love you. We had such a wonderful Thanksgiving together, I know you remember._

 _You're so beautiful. I love you so much baby, and I forgive you for doing this-'_

The front door opened and I was pulled from the letter clutched in my hand. Mark had a wide smile on his face which quickly fell away as he saw my distraught face. My mouth hung open in a strangled sob, unable to breathe or try to stop the tears pouring down my cheeks.

"JJ? Honey what's wrong?"

"I… I, I, I don't…" I looked back down at the paper, tears blurring the words. _I forgive you for doing this._ "I don't…"

"What is it? What happened?"

"He- He just… I don't-" H cautiously approached me and read the paper over my shoulder.

' _-forgive you for doing this. We were a happy family and we will be again-'_

"Oh my god. JJ give it to me. Stop reading it." He crouched down on the floor beside me, being very careful not to touch me. "Baby, give it to-"

"Don't call me that!" I screeched, jumping to my feet. I backed away to the other side of the couch and he stood up slowly, taking several steps back. "Don't you call… I… I don't…" It was becoming harder and harder to breath.

"JJ I'm going to call your mom. Okay? I'm going to call her so she can come home." He pulled his phone from his back pocket. I tore a hand through my hair. I couldn't believe this. How had this happened? I could hear Mark talking to my mom in an urgent tone but it was as if he was speaking a different language. I could hear my dad's voice in my mind, as if he was standing right next to me. … _such a wonderful Thanksgiving together, I know you remember..._ I pressed my hands against my chest, trying to dull the pressure I felt as my dad's words seemed to ricochet back and forth inside me.

"JJ? Your mom is on her way home, alright? She's coming, you just need to hold on."

"How can he write to me? Why didn't they stop him? Why did they let him mail this?"

"I don't know. I don't know, he's not supposed to. He isn't supposed to be able to contact you."

"Well he did!" I shook the letter at him. "He did and it's here, Mark!"

"I know, I'm sorry. What… What do you need?"

"I don't know!" I cried. My head felt too heavy. My stomach was in my throat. The floor no longer seemed solid beneath my feet.

"She's on her way, okay? She'll be here; you just have to give her a second."

I looked back down at the paper. I didn't want to read it but I couldn't stop. '… _were a happy family and we will be again, you'll see. Once I make you see that they've lied to you, made you believe that it's something it's not. The bond we have is special, and they don't understand that. Your mom doesn't understand baby, she never has-'_

"Stop reading it. Give it to me." He took a step towards me and I backed up again. He took a deep breath. "JJ I'm not going to hurt you. I won't even touch you if you don't want me to. But you have to give it to me, reading it will only make you feel worse." I sobbed openly, unable to form words. Why was this happening? Things had been going so well.

"JJ? Can you please give it to me? Please?" He took a few small steps toward me as if approaching a cornered animal, which was appropriate since I felt like a feral dog. He came a bit closer. "Please give it to me."

I slowly brought my arm up and let him take it from my hand. He folded it up and put it in his back pocket. "Thank you. Now your mom is on her way." _…the bond we have is special, and they don't understand that. Your mom doesn't understand baby…_ My entire body seemed to contract and I tried to run for the bathroom but I didn't make it in time. I retched, throwing up all over the hardwood floors my mom was so fond of. I sank to my knees, continuing to be sick. Eventually I fell back, tears and snot running down my face, body shaking. Mark grabbed the box of tissues from the coffee table and wordlessly held them out. I gratefully took them and wiped at my nose and mouth. I couldn't help but rock back and forth with the weight of my sobs.

He gently knelt beside me, being careful to avoid the puddle of vomit on the ground but also not touch me. "What do you need? What can I do?" I tried to breathe through my sobs. "Do you want me to go?" I shook my head. I pressed one hand hard against my eyes, then shakily extended the other one to him. I needed to feel a little more grounded. He took my hand in his, and softly patted it. We stayed in the same position for several minutes as I cried, until the door flung open and Mom came bursting in.

"JJ?" She barely kicked the door closed behind her before she caught sight of me. She dropped her keys and purse to the floor and hurried towards us. She dropped to her knees and gathered me in her arms. "Oh JJ. Oh sweetie."

I gestured towards where I had been sick. "I'm sorry," I said thickly through my tears.

"No no, don't you apologize. We'll get it cleaned up, don't you worry." She smoothed my hair down as I cried into her coat. "Everything is going to be okay." Her voice cracked slightly. "Everything will be fine."


	44. Chapter 44

**(Hey everybody! Sorry for the delay. I was a little blocked with how I wanted this chapter to go. But it's finally here! Can't wait to hear your thoughts!)**

I didn't go to school on Friday. Even if I had felt like going, my eyes were so swollen from crying that I had a hard time opening them. I had awoken early but laid in bed, watching the shadows move on the walls. I didn't want to think, let alone move or talk.

My mom came in around eleven and sat on the edge of my bed. She didn't say anything for the longest time. Her eyes were almost as swollen as mine. I finally stretched my hand out from under the covers and took hold of hers. She squeezed back.

"JJ?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't do anything wrong. I know that I keep saying it, but I need to know that you understand that. You've done nothing that deserves… forgiving."

She must have read the letter. I nodded.

"I'm so sorry that this happened. The prison… They contacted me a few weeks ago saying that he wanted to write you, and I told them absolutely not."

I swallowed. "Then how?"

She shook her head. "I… I don't know, sweetie. I'm going down to the precinct today, I'm taking it to the detectives."

"It's… Don't worry about it."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's not worth it."

"Of course it is. JJ, he broke his restraining order."

I closed my eyes. "And he's already serving a like thirty year sentence. It doesn't matter."

"Hey." She placed her hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes. "It matters to me. You deserve to be safe, to never have to live in fear of him again. And you better believe when I find out how… when I find out who helped this happen? They better pray I never come face to face with them or they will severely regret it."

She moved her hand from my shoulder to my hair, smoothing it back from my face. "When's the last time you had a haircut?" she asked, changing the subject.

I shrugged again. "Sometime this summer, I guess."

"I'll get you an appointment for a trim. Maybe we can go together, turn it into a whole girls day. We'll get our hair done, have our nails painted… Maybe we'll even get facials!"

"Okay."

"You wanna go tomorrow?"

"I was supposed to go to comic con with Penelope. She's been talking about it for weeks, but I really don't want to."

"That's okay. Just tell her, I'm sure she'll understand." I nodded. "Want me to make the appointment?"

"Sure."

She ran her thumb over my cheekbone. "I'm going to make lunch, what do you want?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat."

"No."

She looked at me in surprise. "JJ, you haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. I really need you to eat something before I go to the police station. Even if it's just something small."

I sighed. "I don't… I'm not hungry." I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep.

"Anything. Crackers? Cereal? PB&J?"

"I don't want anything." I said more forcefully.

"Okay… Alright. But you're eating something at dinner, so just be thinking about what you want."

I nodded and refocused my eyes on the far wall. She sighed and stood up. She stared down at me, clearly wanting to say something, but instead left my room, gently closing the door behind her.

True to her word, I had been forced to come downstairs later that night and sit at the table with Mom and Mark. I pushed my chicken spaghetti around my plate, only picking at it. I could feel both of them looking at me, but neither one mentioned it.

The next day, my mom came into my room bright and early.

"Alright, rise and shine! Your hair cut is set for ten. You have just enough time for a shower and breakfast before we go."

I pulled the blankets tighter around my shoulders. "Mom, I…"

"C'mon Buttercup! We have things to do!" Her tone left no room for arguments and I begrudgingly got up and headed for the bathroom. I did feel better after washing off the grime of the past few days, and the idea of food wasn't completely off putting. As we pulled into the salon, I was feeling slightly better.

"Alright, Miss JJ! I haven't seen you in quite some time! Just in for your customary trim?" Tony asked as he fastened the cape around my neck.

I started to say yes, and then something stopped me. I glanced over to where my mom was sitting with a magazine.

"Hey… What if I went a bit shorter?"

She raised an eyebrow. "How short are we talking?"

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "Just…" I wormed an arm out from under the cape. "…here-ish?" I held my hand just a few inches below my shoulder.

She gave me a strangely sentimental look. "Okay. You just… I don't know, you've always been the little girl with the long hair, you know?"

"I know, but…"

"But you're a woman now!" Tony finished. "That's actually a great length for your bone structure. It'll look really nice."

I looked back over at her. "Is that okay?"

She nodded and smiled. "You can do whatever you want, sweetheart. It's up to you."

I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "Let's do it."

The following Monday, I had therapy with Dr. Blake. I hadn't wanted to talk about the letter but it had come up anyway. I didn't know what to tell her. Of course I was upset, of course I was mad, but more than anything I felt numb to the entire situation, as if I were watching it happen from the outside. I told her as much and she said that I was allowed to feel these things. I already knew that. We ended up sitting in silence for quite a bit of my session, because I couldn't find the energy to talk.

A few days later was Valentine's Day. Will had texted me asking me to meet him at his locker. When I did he pulled out a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. My cheeks reddened.

"Will, they're beautiful! I… I didn't get you anything. Was I supposed to?"

He laughed. "No, you're fine."

I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "Thank you. They're beautiful," I whispered.

"How are you feeling today?" he asked. I hadn't gone into details about what had happened last week with anyone, instead just telling Will and Penelope that I'd stayed home because it was a rough day. Thankfully, they had both accepted my reason with no further questions.

"I'm alright. Cold. I'm ready for summer to come back."

He grinned and put an arm around my shoulder. "Aw, don't worry. I'll keep you warm in this frozen ass tundra."

I laughed. "Thanks."

I got out of athletics before Will for once, and waited for him in the hallway. "How was practice?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Not bad! We did some conditioning and then low intensity weights. Elle decided it's because Coach Hotchner wanted us out as soon as possible so that he could go home and have sex with his wife."

He laughed and reached for my gym bag. "She has no verbal filter. You two are okay now?"

I obviously hadn't told anyone about what Elle had told me at the end of last semester. "We're good, yeah."

"That's nice. Not that I wouldn't love to see you go all MMA on her again."

I rolled my eyes and gave him a playful shrug. "That's not how it went down and you know it."

As we neared his usual parking spot, I noticed something taped to the antenna. I took a few steps forward and realized it was a stuffed animal. "Aw Will, you didn't have to get me something else, now I feel bad."

He looked up from his phone in surprise. "What?"

I approached the hood of his car and looked closer. "You got me… Oh my God." My eyes began to flood with tears as I truly took in what I was seeing. It was a teddy bear, but it looked like it had been run over by a truck, it's white fur dirty and matted. Someone had ripped the material obscenely between the legs, allowing the white stuffing to come spilling out. It was wearing a tee shirt that said 'Daddy's Little Girl' in bright pink letters.

"That's not… I didn't… I swear to God, JJ, I didn't do this." He stepped forward and tried to rip through the duck tape, but there were too many layers. Finally he gave up and yanked it over the top of the antenna. He spun around, looking desperately around the parking lot. "Where the fuck is he?"

I couldn't pull my eyes from the toy held in his hands. "Who?"

"Ethan. This has to be him."

"Will, it's fine, let's just go." My voice seemed to echo inside my own head.

"No, it's not fine!" he yelled. "This is fucked up! He shouldn't be allowed to just do this." He slammed his hand down on the hood of the car, making me jump.

He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to… Come on. We're showing this to Mrs. Strauss."

"Will, seriously what good will it do? Let's just go."

"No, JJ. I can't let this pass. I won't." He turned and began to storm back into the school building, leaving me no choice but to follow.

She already had someone in her office when we got there, so we waited outside with Mrs. Pavlova. I hugged my back pack closely to me as I sat in the chair.

As soon as Mrs. Strauss's door opened, Will jumped to his feet. "We need to talk to you." She swept her eyes over both of us before stepping back and and motioning for us to come inside.

As soon as the door shut behind us, Will began to speak. "I'm not a little snitch who comes running to teacher when they're having problems with someone, but this is too far. He can't be allowed to get away with this. This has to break some sort of rule!"

"Mister LaMontagne what are you talking about?"

He threw the bear down on her desk. She picked it up and examined it. "Have a seat," she said with a heavy sigh. "What happened?"

"We came out and that thing was taped to my truck," he spat.

"Who did this?"

"Ethan. Ethan Cline."

"Was there a note?"

"I'd say the message was pretty clear, wouldn't you?"

"Was he still standing by your truck when you got there?"

"No."

"Then how do you know it was him?"

"Because he's an asshole. And he's pulled shit like this before with JJ."

She raised her eyebrows. "Is that true?" she asked me. I nodded. "What did he do?"

I shrugged. "He just said some stuff."

"He… He yelled about what happened, to everyone in the hallway. He made comments about… y'know, her dad and stuff."

"What kind of comments?"

I fixed my eyes above her head. "That he never thought I would have been fun in bed but apparently my dad thought differently." I repeated in an emotionless voice. "He calls me Daddy Issues when teachers aren't around."

She looked back at me in shock. "Why didn't you tell someone?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because there's nothing you can do."

"You can't stand by and let this happen," Will told the principal.

"Well we don't have anyway to prove it was him."

"Don't you have cameras of some sort?"

"Our security cameras are only next to the entrances. We don't have any in the parking lots."

"This is such bullshit. Are you seriously saying that you're going to let him do this and just look the other way? That's bullshit!"

"Mr. LaMontagne, I understand that you're upset but you'll watch both your language and your tone when speaking to me, or I can arrange for you to be in detention this Saturday."

"So I'm getting in trouble but he's not?"

"Once again, you have no proof that it was Ethan! I am very sorry that this happened, and it is vile and inexcusable, but I can't punish students on a whim!"

I reached out and grabbed his arm. "Will. Just leave it."

He turned to me, running his hands through his hair. His eyes were full of unshed tears. "This isn't fair, JJ. He shouldn't get to do this to you."

"She said there's nothing she can do. Can we… Please just take me home. Please." My head was pounding against the sides of my skull. "Please?"

I saw the defeat enter his eyes. "Okay. Yeah, I'll take you home." He stood up, then turned back to Mrs. Strauss. "The fact that you're unwilling to help her is ridiculous. You should be ashamed."

I could see her mouth begin to twist in anger. I grabbed his hand. "C'mon, let's go." We started towards the door.

"Miss Jareau?" I turned back to her. "I really am sorry about this. It's unacceptable."

I nodded then walked out, pulling Will's seething form behind me.

We didn't say much as he drove us to my house. I turned to him as he pulled to a stop. "You coming in?"

"Do you want me to?"

I nodded and blinked a few times, trying to keep all of my emotions under check. "I don't think I should be alone right now." He nodded, eyes softening.

"Alright." He turned off the truck and got out.

Once inside, he turned to me. "What do you want to do?"

I walked into the living room. I turned on the TV and sat on the couch, patting the cushion beside me. He sat down and I leaned against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist. He tentatively put his arms around me, combing his fingers through my hair.

"I don't understand," he murmured, "Why aren't you more upset?"

"I am, Will. I'm pissed and sad, but more than anything else I'm exhausted. I'm tired and I just want to be for a second. Okay?"

"Alright. I can do that." He pressed his lips to my forehead. I thought back to that stuffed bear, how dirty and defiled it was, the crude hole they had made between it's legs. If I'd had any doubts as to how my classmates saw me, they were long gone. I sighed and closed my eyes, quickly falling asleep as I listened to the thud of his heart.


	45. Chapter 45

**(A short chapter, but a little bit lighter in the aftermath of Valentine's Day. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!)**

When I woke up, Will was gone. I found my mom in the kitchen.

She looked up from the pot she was stirring. "Hey there, sleeping beauty."

"Will went home?"

"Yeah, he did," she said with a smile. "He woke up when I got home but you were out cold."

"Yeah I wasn't really planning on taking a nap, it just happened."

"Well, it sounds like you had a rough Valentine's."

I kept my eyes on the counter top. "He told you?"

She nodded. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged. "It's whatever at this point."

She held out an arm. "Come here."

I let her pull me into her side. She pressed a kiss into my hair then rested her chin on top of my head. "Life really hasn't been kind to you. I'm sorry."

I took a deep breath, letting her scent of brown sugar and cinnamon wash over me. "It's okay. It's not your fault." I pulled back. "Why are you cooking? I thought you and Mark were going out tonight?"

She turned her attention back to the spot she was stirring. "Ah, who really wants to be out the night of Valentine's? It's going to be crowded and it'll take forever to get our food."

"Mom."

She glanced over at me. "Okay, fine. When I heard what happened I decided that it would probably be better if we stayed in tonight. But that doesn't make the other reasons less valid!"

I groaned, guilt settling low in my stomach at the realization that I had ruined yet another holiday for them. "No mom. You guys should go. You don't need to stay home and babysit me."

"We're not babysitting you. And like I said, it'll be a much better dining experience tomorrow anyway. And plus, we have an entire lifetime of Valentine's dinners ahead of us. So what if we spend this one with you? I'm sure there'll be time when you're off at college when we'll wish you were here to hang out with. It's really okay." She gave me a reassuring smile.

I nodded even though I still felt bad. "Alright. What are we having?"

"Baked potato soup!" She blew on the spoon and let me have a taste.

"Oh yum. That's so good."

"It's all in the seasoning," she told me.

"I'm gonna go change into sweats." I turned and started to leave the kitchen.

"Jayje?" I turned back around. "Do… Do you wanna talk about the bear?"

Images of the disgusting toy flashed in front of my eyes. "No. Not really." More than anything I wanted to forget it had ever happened.

That Saturday, the sun had peeked out for an abnormally warm February day. By the end of morning conditioning I had been able to strip out of my jacket and just play in my sweatshirt.

"Alright, let's call it a day," Coach Hotchner finally said. "I feel like you're getting faster, what did we clock your last hundred at?"

I laughed. " I literally couldn't even tell you. But yeah, I think I'm getting faster too."

"We'll have to go back and take a look, retime you. Maybe we'll draft you to the track team."

"Yeah, not on your life," I told him, making him laugh.

He bent over and retied his shoe. "How's school?"

"Not bad. I'm taking the ACTs next weekend."

"You're a good student, I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Yeah I'm not worried," I assured him.

He rested his hands on his hips. "All of your classmates behaving?"

I gave him a look. If he was really going to ask about it, just spit it out. "Coach."

"I know, I just… are you okay?"

I didn't even really know what to tell him. "I'm getting through, one day at a time."

He nodded. "Sometimes that's all you can do."

My eyes suddenly began to tear up and I shook my head, trying to get myself under control. I let out a slow breath. "People are jerks." I finally said. I peeked over at him, but he didn't say anything. "I just... The past couple of months have really sucked, well the past year really, and people are somehow making it even worse which I didn't know was possible." I sniffled, wiping under my eyes. "I just… I don't understand what the hell I did to him. I don't feel like I deserve this."

"JJ-"

"I know, I'm sorry, language."

He sighed. "No, don't apologize, it's… It's frustrating. It's maddening. It's not fair."

"It's not!" My voice broke a bit. "I'm just sick of it."

"Is there anything I can do?"

I shook my head, taking another deep breath. "Thanks, but… I'll be okay. It's just a lot."

"I'm sure."

I forced a harsh laugh. "I'm sorry, I don't know why-" I gestured to my face, at the tears I wasn't quite able to stop.

"You can cry. We can stand here all afternoon if you want. And I can give you a hug if you want, or I can tell you everything is going to be okay, or I can shut up and just stare at the visitor's bleachers while you get it out."

I chuckled through my tears. "Do… Everyone keeps saying it's going to be okay, but when? When will it finally happen?"

He put a cautious hand on my shoulder. "I don't know, Jayje. I really don't; I'm sorry."

I sniffed again and cleared my throat. "I'll be fine." I gave him a shaky smile. "I better head home."

"Sure thing. Is you're mom coming?"

"I'm just gonna walk it."

"Alright, if you're sure. Get home safe okay?"

"Thanks, Coach."

I spent an easy afternoon bumming around the house, watching Netflix and folding my laundry.

When I came back down to put the basket back in the laundry room, Mom was in the kitchen. "What's for dinner?"

"Oh I thought we'd have a little Italian. Spaghetti alla carbonara!"

"Is it hard to make?"

"Oh not really. The name's a lot fancier than it sounds. Why? You wanna help me?"

I shrugged. "Well… If you don't think I'll burn down the house, then sure!"

She laughed. "We'll give it a shot."

Mark came in as she was helping me slice the bacon. "Oh goodness. Is that our own Jennifer Jareau in the kitchen? Wielding a knife?" He took a dramatic step back. "Everybody proceed with caution."

"Don't listen to him, you're doing great," she told me. He came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist. She turned and gave him a kiss.

"Well since we now have a personal chef, maybe I'll just whisk you away." He grabbed her hands and spun her around, waltzing her away from the stove.

"Wait… Hey! Come back, I don't know what I'm doing!" I called as they danced towards the dining room.

"Just stir it all together," he called back.

"Mom! I'm done chopping. Do I stir? I'm going to burn something and then we'll have to get pizza!"

"Mark she really does need help." He dipped her low then slowly brought her back. I gratefully handed over the reigns as she peeked back at the recipe.

Mark extended a hand to me. "Your turn."

"I think the only think I'm worse at than cooking is dancing."

"It's all in your head, c'mon." I reluctantly gave him my hand and he took me loosely in his arms. He swayed me side to side. "See you're not so bad!"

"I have no idea what to do with my feet when they're not in cleats."

He twirled me around. "You're doing just fine. Just relax." He hummed an old song under his breath. "Are you and Will going to prom together?"

"God I don't know. We haven' talked about it at all."

"Would you mind bringing back my sous chef? It's time for the next step." He dipped me the same way he had my mom, and then spun me towards her. We managed to get through the rest of the meal prep without major catastrophe.

"There may be hope for you yet, JJ. This is delish," Mark quipped as we dug into the pasta.

"Well it was almost completely Mom. I mainly chopped things."

"But you chopped them with such finesse! Such style! Such flair!" We both rolled our eyes at his antics. The three of us tag teamed the dishes then settled in front of the TV. We all squabbled over what to watch, me in favor of sports, Mark pleading for a documentary on the American Revolution, and Mom wanting wanting to watch TLC. Finally the three of us came to an agreement on Mrs. Doubtfire. I glanced over at both of them as the movie began and couldn't help but smile. With everything that had happened, I was so lucky to have Mom and Mark beside me. They made everything feel a little bit better, like I was a little less alone.


	46. Chapter 46

**(Chapter 46! Hit me with all of your lovely reviews!)**

School on Monday seemed even more exhausting than normal. I hadn't been able to sleep the past few nights, instead laying in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling. By the time I took a seat in Dr. Blake's office, I could barely keep my eyes open.

"How's it going?" she asked as she settled behind her desk.

"It's alright," I said stifling a yawn.

"Did you cut your hair since the last time I saw you?"

"No I cut it last weekend, it was just in a bun last week so you couldn't tell."

She nodded. "I like it. It makes you look older, more mature. What prompted the change?"

"Nothing. My mom booked me for a trim and decided to go a little shorter than normal."

"How was this past week?"

"It…" I sighed. "It sucked."

She raised an eyebrow. "More than the week before?"

I shrugged. "About the same."

"What happened?"

"Wednesday was Valentine's Day."

"I know. Did you and Will do anything special?"

"He got me flowers and chocolates, the ones that have the different flavored fillings."

"Oh those are my favorite." I nodded. "Well that doesn't sound so sucky. That sounds pretty nice."

"It was." I ran my hand through my hair, able to picture the next part clearly in my mind. "When Will and I left the school we found a teddy bear taped to his truck. It was… Gross. Dirty like it had been stepped on. Someone had ripped a hole between it's legs." I sighed. "It said Daddy's Little Girl."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "That's very hurtful."

I shrugged, unsure of what to say.

"Do you know who did it?"

"Probably this guy Ethan. But honestly I don't know, it could be anyone."

"Are there other people who would?"

"You mean are there other people that have reason to think I'm used and disgusting? Pretty much everyone I go to school with thanks to that article running in the paper."

"You aren't damaged in any way."

"Well I'm not exactly bright, shiny and happy now am I?"

"You seem angry today."

I rubbed at my eyes. "I'm just tired."

"Not sleeping well?"

I shrugged again. "I can't get my mind to turn off at night. I just lay there and stare at the ceiling."

She nodded. "JJ… how would you say you reacted emotionally to the bullying?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "No one's taking my lunch money, I'm not being bullied."

"They're attempting to emotionally harm you. What would you call it?"

"Not… that."

"Okay. Well how would you say you reacted?"

"I… I don't know I was just… Tired. Exhausted. Like it wasn't actually happening to me."

"Would you use the word numb?"

"Sure."

"Does your head hurt?"

"What?"

"You're rubbing your head. You have been since you sat down. Do you have a headache?"

I dropped my hand back to my lap. I hadn't even realized I'd been doing it. "Yeah, I guess."

"Can you do me a favor and check in with the rest of your body? What else are you feeling?"

"I…" I swallowed "My stomach hurts. My hearts kind of pounding."

"Why?"

"I don't know," I snapped.

She stood and pulled a file from the top of one of her cabinets. "I want to do a little exercise, is that okay?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

"Okay I'm going to read off a list of complaints people sometimes have in the aftermath of a traumatic event, and I want you to tell me if it's something you've dealt with personally in the last month using a five point scale, 0 meaning not at all, 4 being constantly. That okay?" I nodded and she looked back down at the paper. "Repeated, disturbing, and unwanted memories of the stressful experience?"

"Um… 3 I guess."

"Repeated, disturbing dreams of the stressful experience?"

"2."

"Feeling very upset when something reminded you of the stressful experience?"

I snorted. "Do people generally like dwelling on all of the awful shit that's happened to them?" She gave me a thin lipped smile but didn't comment. "4," I finally answered.

"Having strong negative beliefs about yourself, other people, or the world, for example having thoughts such as I am bad, there is something seriously wrong with me, no one can be trusted, the world is completely dangerous?"

"4," I whispered, distinctly uncomfortable.

She continued on, asking about feeling strong negative feelings like shame and guilt, being unable to sleep, being jumpy and extra irritable. I answered 3 or 4 to almost every one.

She took a moment to do some quick calculations on her paper. "Do you know what I just read off to you?"

"No."

"It's called the 'PCL-5'. It was developed by the government to help screen for Post traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD."

"Okay?"

"What do you know about PTSD?"

"Soldiers get it when they go overseas."

She nodded. "Correct. But did you know civilians can get it too?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're not trying to say that-"

"-that you could possibly have PTSD?" I didn't respond. "Would that be so unbelievable?"

"I'm fine, Dr. Blake."

"You're fine?"

"As far as things go I'm okay. I'm getting by. When you have that you have like, I don't know flashbacks and stuff."

"And nightmares. And unexplained headaches and stomachaches. And a need to be constantly vigilant in case something bad happens."

"I'm fine."

"Are you?"

I shifted in my chair. "Dr. Blake there are so many people who have it worse, I'm just-"

"JJ you were raped. Repeatedly. Violently. By someone you loved and trusted."

I stared back at her, unable to speak. She glanced back down. "Now I added all your responses up. Most clinicians agree that a cut-point score of 33 is a good determining factor of whether or not the respondent is given a provisional diagnosis."

"And what did I get?"

"51 out of 80, almost a full twenty points above the cut-point."

I sat in shock. "But… No, I'm fine."

She leaned forward. "JJ you're hurting very deeply. Honestly, after nine months of ongoing abuse, you're probably unaware of just how deeply. It's become ingrained into your every day life."

"I… I don't want it."

She gave me a small smile. "Well I think it's safe to say that very few people _want_ PTSD. But they have it all the same."

"No, I mean… What do I do? How do I get rid of it?"

"Well, we've thankfully made many advances in recent years to how to treat PTSD in the general population. The good news is that the best treatment is exactly what you're doing: talk therapy centering on the experienced trauma. Other treatments include group therapy, art therapy, and medication."

"You're going to put me on meds?"

"No, I didn't say that. Medication is more of a last resort, especially in someone your age."

"How long will it last?"

She gave me a bit of a shrug. "It really just depends. Sometimes it just takes a few months. Other women need years of treatment before they feel like they have reached a stable point."

"So you're saying I have it? For sure?"  
"Diagnoses are almost never 'for sure.' It's just not how psychology works I'm afraid. But with a score of 51 on the PCL-5? I'm pretty certain."

I sat back in my chair, my entire body feeling a little shaky.

"What's going on in your head right now?"

"Lots of fucked up stuff apparently."

She gave me a small smile. "I meant what are you thinking?"

"I…" I cast my eyes around the room. "I'm scared," I admitted.

She nodded. "Anything with an acronym can be frightening. What's scaring you about it?"

I licked my lips. "I don't want people to think I'm crazy."

She tapped her pen on the desk. "Well, there's no use putting stock into what other people think. You have no control over it. And honestly, the less power you put into what other people think the happier you will be. Easier said than done, I know. But if it's any consolation, I don't think you're crazy. And trust me, I've been around long enough to see real crazy." She gave me a warm smile, trying to reassure me. I weakly returned it, still unsure as to what all of this meant for me.

We were in our last couple of weeks of studying _To Kill a Mockingbird._ Just like with _Gatsby_ and _The Crucible,_ the last week was spent on in class debate before writing our final papers. We had spent Monday and Tuesday mainly focusing on the racism and prejudice in the book, comparing our small town to Maycomb. Wednesday's topic however had turned to Tom Robinson's accuser, Mayella.

"Was she just doing it because her dad told her to?" asked Allison from behind me. "Why would you accuse someone of a crime they didn't commit?"

"Maybe she was scared. Her dad hit her right?" asked one of the boys in the back. I kept my eyes on my notebook where I was doodling different geometric shapes.

"That's a good question," said Ms. Prentiss. "Do you think it's more likely that Mayella lied to her father to save herself from a beating, or do you think Bob Ewell made up the story as a way to hide his abuse and further his racism?"

"I think it was probably the dad." said Liz. "He was just mad that his daughter kissed a black dude and wanted to get revenge."

Ethan piped up. "I think it was Mayella." I pressed my pen harder into the paper.

"Okay, what's your reasoning?" asked Ms. Prentiss.

"I think she was probably just feeling guilty about how much she liked it, so she decided to cry rape." The dull ache kicked up in my stomach but took a deep breath, pressing it down. Nothing good would come from sinking to his level.

"Well I'm not sure that's quite supported in the novel-"

"In fact, I would say that the entire idea of rape is ridiculous. Almost every single case is just the girl changing her mind halfway through."

Ms. Prentiss's face hardened. "Ethan that's-"

"Why is it the guy's fault that the girl suddenly decides she doesn't want to be treated like a slut?"

"Were you dropped on your head as a baby?" The words came bursting out of me before I could stop them.

"Oh I'm sorry JJ, did that strike a nerve?" he shot me a condescending smile.

"Are you seriously- I can't- seriously?" I was so upset that I couldn't even string together a coherent sentence.

"I forgot that we had our very own Mayella right here. Tell us, why do you think she did it? Is it because of all of those unresolved daddy issues?"

"Shut the hell up-"

"Or what? You'll accuse me of rape next?"

"-you are the-"

"-do I at least get to sample the goods if-"

"ENOUGH!" Ms. Prentiss cut across us both. "Ethan, one more word out of line and I'll send you to the office."

He sneered. "What? Everyone else can offer their opinions on the novel but me?"

The bell rang before Ms. Prentiss could reply. He jumped from his seat with a laugh and was out the door. I stayed in my seat for just a moment as the rest of our class followed, taking several deep breaths.

"You okay?" asked Penelope.

I shook my head slightly. "I want to pummel him into the ground."

"I'll hold him down for you?" she offered.

I forced a smile. "I'm fine, he's just… God. What a dick."

"Seriously though."

Ms. Prentiss came to a stop in front of our desk. "Are you alright?" she asked in a low voice. I made myself stand up and start to gather my things, ignoring the pounding of my heart in my chest.

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure? If you need to take a second and collect yourself, you can go talk to the nurse-"

"Ms. Prentiss, I'm fine," I said forcefully.

She nodded. "Okay, I just… Okay."

Penelope followed me out into the hallway but didn't say anything.

"I've never wanted to hit another human being so much in my life," I told her in a low voice.

"Do you want my to hack into his computer? I can find all of his icky embarrassing stuff and then we can wallpaper the hallways with it."

I took a final deep breath. "It's fine. I… I'll see you at lunch, alright?"

"Alright. Don't sucker punch anyone before I see you again, kay? Or if you do send me a vid." She rubbed a hand on my back then flitted off to her next class. I tucked my head down and began to elbow my way through the hallways. Ethan's words clanged around inside my head, and I squeezed my fingernails hard into my palms. One of these days I was going to snap, but I couldn't let it be today.


	47. Chapter 47

**(Chapter 47! TW: this chapter gets very graphic during the therapy session. Please be advised.)**

I hadn't been that concerned about my ACTS, and felt like I had done fine. I had always been a good student and most things academic came pretty easily for me. Olivia gave me a ride home from the school when we finished the test on Saturday.

"How do you think you did?" she asked, chewing on her lip.

I shrugged. "I'm sure I did fine. It's just the same stuff we're learning in school."

She groaned. "My brother got like a 33 or something so my parents are freaking out about what score I get."

"Does it really matter? I mean, how closely do colleges even look?"

"See I don't know. All I know is that Justin got his 33 and pretty much every school in the state gave him immediate acceptance."

"Do you know where you want to go?"

"Not really. I have a few in mind that I'll probably apply to, but really I just want to go to college and I want that college to be nowhere near here."

I nodded. "I completely get that. My parents and I went and toured Penn last month."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. That's where Trav goes and… I don't know. It was really nice, the people were cool. I could maybe see myself there."

"Yeah, Penn State's great. But it's kind of expensive, isn't it?"

"Yeah, Travis lucked out and got a pretty decent scholarship but we had to take out a lot of loans."

"See I want to be a nurse, and that really doesn't pay well so there's no sense in me getting some expensive degree just so I can pay it off for the rest of my life."

"Well, at least you know what you want to major in." I told her.

"You don't have any ideas?"

I shrugged. "Honestly no. When I was a kid I wanted to be the next Mia Hamm, and that was as far as the dream went."

"Maybe you could be a coach."

I snorted. "And spend the rest of my life surrounded my high schoolers? I'd rather cut off my own foot."

Liv laughed as she pulled in front of my house. "Well don't stress about it. We're only juniors, we have time."

Dr. Blake gave me a warm smile as I came into her office the following Monday.

"Was my receptionist able to get a hold of you?"

"Yeah, she called my mom. We're having a 90 minute session today?"

She nodded. "That okay?"

"That's fine." I dropped my backpack on the ground and took my seat.

"Did Will drive you today?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Is he coming to pick you up?"

"No, his little sister needed to go to Erie, so he's taking her."

"How are you getting home?"

"Since we're going till 5:00 my mom was going to come get me. Why?"

"I thought we would try something new today, and it's probably not going to leave you in a place where you're wanting to take the bus."

My stomach clenched unpleasantly. "Alright."

"So last week we talked about Post traumatic Stress Disorder. Have you had any further thoughts on that?"

"Not… really. I mean, I don't know what to think about it."

"For some people it can be a bit of relief to have a reason for what's happening. Just to be able to name it."

"I guess."

"Did you tell your mom?"

"No. Was I supposed to?"

"Not if you don't want to, but it could be helpful."

"I don't want her to worry more than she already does."

"JJ even if none of this had ever happened, she would still worry about you. It's just what mothers do."

"Do you have kids?"

"I did. I had a son, but he died when he was young."

"I'm sorry."

She smiled and sighed. "I've made my peace with it. He was in a lot of pain, and now he's not."

"But you must still miss him."

"I do. And I always will. But that's not what we're here to talk about today." She took a sip from her mug. "I don't suppose you've heard of prolonged exposure cognitive behavioral treatment?" I shook my head. "I would have been quite impressed if you did. It's a recently developed technique to help combat PTSD. What it essentially entails is a systematic and repeated recounting of the trauma. It helps take away the shame and guilt that has built up around the abuse. We'll also work a little bit with _in vivo_ exposure which deals with engaging in situations that could potentially be triggering, but we don't be dealing with that today. Sound alright?"

"It sounds like you want me to tell you my deepest darkest secrets over and over until I'm somehow cured."

"That's how it's going to seem probably. But you're just going to have to trust me that we're doing it for a reason and that maybe not today, and maybe not next week, but eventually it will make it more manageable. It's going to be highly uncomfortable, but it will make things better in the long run. Does that sound like something you can do?"

That honestly sounded like my worst fucking nightmare, but I nodded all the same.

"Alright. Before we begin, do you need to step into the restroom, get a drink, anything like that?"

I pulled my water bottle out of my backpack and took a sip. "I'll be okay."

"Okay. Now I would like for you to go ahead and close your eyes and take a nice, big deep breath for me." I did as she asked. "Alright. Now we're going to start off with the very first night, the first time it happened. You can start wherever you feel comfortable."

I paused for a moment, already dreading this. "It was January. I woke up in my bed at his apartment."

"What woke you up?"

"He was crying."

"Were the lights on?"

"My light was off. My door was open, there was just a little bit of light from the TV in the living room."

"How did you know it was him?"

"Because he was the only other person there."

"Did he say anything?"

"I asked him what was wrong. He said it wasn't fair that he had lost everything. That just because Mom was married to Mark didn't mean that she could do whatever she wanted. Then he laid down behind me on the bed. Right behind me."

"Was that out of the ordinary?"

"He… I mean he'd always hugged me. And I would sit on his lap when I was little. But not… Not like that."

"What happened next?"

"He pulled down the covers so that he was beneath the blanket with me. Then he put his arm around me and… and he touched me. Through my tee shirt. I, I, I thought it was an accident at first but then… Then it wasn't. And he began to kiss the back of my neck." With my eyes shut, I could still see the red numbers of the digital clock in front of me, still feel his hot breath against my skin, his hands grabbing at me, the stink of beer on him. The tears that had been building up threatened to overwhelm me, but I swallowed them down. "He moved his hand down lower, between my legs. At first over my shorts, and then he put his hand inside."

"Did you say anything?"

"I… I wanted to. But it was like the words… They were stuck in my throat. I couldn't say anything. I just laid there and watched the clock."

"What clock?"

"My alarm clock. It had red digital numbers."

"Okay. What comes next?"

"He… He-" The tears pressed against my eyelids, demanding to fall. My breathing had increased until it felt like I had just sprinted around the track at school.

"Take a deep breath. Don't push away what you're feeling. Let it happen. You can't change the past but you can change how it makes you feel now."

I wrenched my eyes open, glaring at her as the tears began to fall. "I can't change anything."

"Calm down. Take a second. Deep breath. I know this is hard, but you have to relearn how to experience these memories without fully reliving them. And that can only happen through repeated exposure. You can do this. I wouldn't be having you explore it if I didn't think you were strong enough. Take a moment, and start again."

I shut my eyes and took several deep breaths, trying to slow my pounding heart. Eventually I was able to calm down enough to start again.

"He put his hand inside my shorts and he started touching me. Rubbing. Then he…" Even though I still had my eyes shut, I gestured at her with my hands.

"You can say it. I'm not judging you in any way."

"He put his fingers inside me." I said it in a rush, trying to get it over with like ripping off a band aid.

"Had anyone ever done that before?"

I slunk lower in my chair. "No."

"Not even you?"

"No!" I repeated louder.

"Alright. What happened next?"

"Can we stop?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"You can stop for a moment if you need to."

I opened my eyes. "I need to go to the bathroom."

"No you don't. I asked you before we started and you were fine. Take a breath."

"I need to go now."

"JJ, take a breath." I clenched my eyes shut, and tried to breath even though my entire body was shaking. "You're okay. You are here in my office. No one can hurt you. No one will touch you without your express consent. You are safe. Take another breath."

I did as she said. "He pulled his hands out of my shorts and I thought it was through. I thought he was done." I swallowed thickly. "Then he pulled me so that I was on my back instead of my side. And he grabbed my hand. He, he pulled it close to him." One of my hands came to press on my chest bone, trying to quell the feeling that my heart was going to beat its way out of my body. "He made me… touch him. Wrap my hand around him. And I told him no then, and I tried to pull back but he was holding my wrist so tightly. And he put his other hand over mine and made me move until… It got everywhere, on my shirt, on my shorts." Even with my eyes closed, the tears flowed freely down my cheeks, dripping onto my chest.

"And then what happened?"

"He let go of me. And he pet my face, wiped away where I was crying. Told me to look at him but I kept my eyes on the clock instead. Then he got up and he left."

"JJ you can open your eyes now." As soon as I did, it was as if a dam had burst inside of me. I bent in half, the weight of my sobs hitting me full force.

Dr. Blake gently offered me a box of tissues. "That's good, let it out now. Let it happen. You're safe. You're okay."

I cried for quite a while, just letting the memory wash over me as I mourned for what had happened. I mourned for my innocence, for the relationship that had been damaged beyond repair.

When I quieted down some, Dr. Blake asked, "So how did that feel?"

"Like shit." I mumbled.

"Like I said, it's highly uncomfortable. But I think you learned something very valuable today."

"What?"

"That the past cannot hurt you in the present. It's still going to bring pain and suffering for sometime, but it cannot harm you. You are going to have these memories for the rest of your life. But they belong to you, not the other way around. They don't get to choose the future. You are completely in control." I nodded. My head was pounding. I took another sip from my water bottle. "Guess what happens now?"

I sat back in my chair. "I have to do it again?"

She gave me a sad smile. "You have to do it again. Take a moment, then start wherever you feel comfortable."

When I got in Mom's car after the session, she took in my disheveled state in shock. There had been times when I had come home a little teary from Dr. Blake's office, but nothing like this.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

I nodded, pulling on my seat belt. I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window as she began to pull out of the parking lot. I thought back to what Dr. Blake had said.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Dr. Blake thinks I have PTSD." She whipped her head around to look at me, almost running a red light in the process.

"What?"

"She thinks I have… Well, I took the test and… It says I do. Like… I scored way high. Twenty points over the minimum."

"What does that… What do we need to do?"

"We've started a new kind of therapy, that's why I'm-" I gestured hopelessly at my swollen face.

"Okay. Alright." The car behind us honked and she began to drive again.

"I'm okay. I mean, it's nothing worse than what was already… I just have a name for it."

"Okay. Well, thank you for telling me. Is there anything I can do?"

I held out my hand and she grasped it firmly in her own. "Just be here. And pick me up from therapy from now on, I guess. I don't want Will to see me like this, I'm a wreck."

She laughed along with me. "Okay. I can do that."


	48. Chapter 48

**(A little sweet, then a little angsty)**

A few days later, I was laying in bed working on my homework when my phone started to vibrate. I was surprised to see Travis's picture.

"Hey, what's up?" I said, bringing it to my ear.

"Not much. What are you doing?"

"Just homework. You?"

"I just got home from work. What homework are you doing?"

I paused for a second. Travis and I were close but I highly doubted he actually cared about my school work. "A paper for chemistry. Is everything okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you never really call out of the blue. Are you alright?"

"Yeah! Yeah. Everything's fine. I'm okay."

"Okay…" He seemed so distant. "Was their something you wanted to talk about?" I prodded.

He sighed. "Okay, so… something did kind of happen."

"What?"

"Well… Grace didn't get her period this month."

I felt like my eyes were going to bug out of my head. "What? Oh my god, Mom is going to seriously lose it. After all of the time and effort she put into preaching safe sex to us? Holy shit!"

"No, no we already took the test. It was negative, we don't know why she was late."

I groaned and rolled my eyes, flopping back down on my bed. Leave it to my brother to go about whatever this was in the most dramatic fashion possible. "So you thought you would call me and give me a heart attack?"

"No, it's… Okay, it was the weirdest thing. So she showed up and she was crying and her make up was everywhere. She had bought the test on the way over and she peed on it but while we were waiting for the stick to do it's thing, I couldn't help but just imagine this world, y'know? With like her and me, and a baby, and a house, and an entire future. I swear to god Jayje, suddenly I could see myself, ten years down the road, coaching little league and shit. All of this stuff I had always kind of laughed off and assumed wasn't for me… For three minutes, that was my reality and I was so excited."

"Oh Trav… That's so sweet."

"It was just so overwhelming, because I didn't know that I wanted any of that. But I think I do. But more than that, I want that with her. I want to wake up beside her and bring her coffee and fight with her over the right way to load a dishwasher."

I couldn't help my wide smile at his lovesick voice. "What are you gonna do?"

"I… I guess I'm gonna buy a ring."

I sat back up. "What? Oh my god. That's so fast!"

"I know! Trust me, I'm freaked out too, it's just… I love her. I want to marry her. I want to cheer her on as she changes the world."

"But… are you sure? You've been together for such a short time."

"I know. Like objectively, I know it's crazy. We went on our first date in August, we decided to be exclusive a few weeks later. Proposing after seven months is insane. I know that."

"Then why not wait?"

"Because… I don't know. I can't explain it. I've found someone so special, and I don't ever want to let her go. And I'm not saying we should get married right now, that can be later, after we graduate. But I think I'm going to do it."

"I'm happy for you Trav. I mean it, our family deserves something happy to happen for once."

He sighed. "Yeah… Tell me about it."

"Sorry to bring down your moment."

"No, you're fine, it's just… I'm more sure of this than anything else in my life, but I'm still so scared. After seeing the divorce first hand and… y'know, everything that followed, it kind of makes you scared to take the plunge. Which is so stupid, god. Because I got so excited and dead set on proposing but then there was this voice that screamed that it was pointless. That I would fuck it up. That we both would. And then having kids… Does any of this make sense? Am I rambling on like an idiot?'

"I mean, you are, but you're making sense," I teased. "I think it's natural to have fears about this sort of stuff, especially with everything that has happened… But I don't think you have anything to worry about. You love Grace; I can hear it in your voice. And as far as kids go… I think you'll be a great dad. Not now, or anytime soon or Mom might shoot you, but someday. And… if you're worried about being… like dad, you shouldn't be," I told him awkwardly.

"No! I would never… Jayje, even the thought of it-"

"I know. I know."

"It's just… I always thought we had such great parents. And so I assumed that if I ever had kids, I would be the same way."

I sighed and rubbed my head. "We did have great parents."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"I guess so, yeah… I don't know it's hard. When I think about dad, sometimes it feels like two separate people."

"Yeah. I can see that."

"You… You're a great brother. I don't know if I tell you that enough."

"You don't. Frankly I feel very neglected."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm trying to be sweet to you and give you advice, do you mind?"

"Carry on."

"Having you behind me has really helped. Through all of it, not just these past few months but Ros and the divorce, too. You made me feel less alone. And Grace is gonna be so lucky to marry you. Any kids you have are going to be tiny monsters probably, but they'll have a dad who loves them and protects them. And that's all that matters. You'll be an amazing dad."

The line was quiet for a second. When he finally spoke his voice was gruff. "Thanks, Jayje."

"Are you… crying?"

"No! No I'm just… I have a cold."

I laughed. "Oh yeah? It suddenly acting up on you?"

"I have to go… punch a wall or something, try to regain my manliness."

"Wait! So you're doing it? You're gonna ask her?"

"Yeah." He took a deep breath and started to laugh. "I'm going to ask Grace to marry me!"

"Oh my god, this is crazy! When?"

"I… I don't know. Soon. Maybe. I don't have a ring, so I need to get that sorted first."

I laughed. "You should probably call Mom."

"For sure!"

"Alright, well keep me updated okay?"

"I will. And Jayje?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you. And thank you. This really helped."

I smiled. "I love you too."

* * *

Saturday morning, I woke up from another nightmare drenched in cold sweat. As I tried to blink away the lingering images of people hiding just out of sight, of sharp nailed hands grabbing at me though the darkness, I waited for the sadness to hit my body. I waited for the familiar rush of tears, but they never came.

Instead, my chest seemed to ache with hollowness. I felt completely numb, cut off from everything around me. I laid there for twenty minutes before my alarm went off, intent on waking me up for soccer conditioning. I switched it off and remained in bed.

If I didn't go, chances are Coach Hotchner would be the only person there. He would wait around for thirty minutes, hoping that my teammates and I were on our way, just running late, before he packed up the cones and left the field. I couldn't bring myself to care. In that moment, I didn't care about anything. After reliving that first night with Dr. Blake the previous Monday, I would have expected the numbness to be a relief, but it wasn't. Instead, I just felt dead inside. No, I wasn't crying, I wasn't over come with grief; but I also felt like I would never be happy again. But even that didn't ignite my veins with terror; it made everything bleak and hopeless.

Eventually I got up to use the bathroom then wandered downstairs to find something to eat. I settled at the table with a bowl of Fruit Loops. Mark came in when I was almost through.

"Good morning sunshine!" he called.

"Morning."

"How did you sleep?"

"Okay."

"Just okay?" I didn't answer, instead just poured myself another bowl of cereal. He flipped on the television on the bar and went about making coffee, whistling as he did.

"Do you not have conditioning this morning?" Mark asked as sat across from me.

"I'm not going today."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't have to?"

He raised his eyebrows at me, caught of guard by my shortness. "That's true," he remarked quietly.

I didn't say anything else. I kept shoveling the sugary cereal into my mouth, barely able to taste it. When I was finished, I poured a third bowl. He didn't say anything to me, instead keeping his eyes on the morning news.

By the time I emptied the bowl for the third time, I was very full. When I pressed on my stomach, I was rewarded with a dull ache and a tinge of nausea. Not the best feeling, but at that moment, it was the only thing I was feeling. I wasn't hungry, but I poured another bowl anyways.

Mark drained his cup and quietly left the kitchen. I kept bringing the spoon to my mouth, ignoring my stomach's cries for me to stop. When my mom came in a few minutes later, I was draining the milk from the bowl, even as it threatened to come right back up. I stood up to put my bowl and spoon in the sink and my stomach was visibly distended.

"Good morning," she said quietly.

"Morning."

"Get enough to eat?" She was smiling, but I could tell by the crease in her forehead that she was concerned.

"What does that mean?"

"Just… I was kidding. You had what, three bowls of cereal?"

"I had four, is that okay? Are we rationing our food now?"

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked hesitantly.

I rolled my eyes as I started up the stairs. "Oh my god, I'm fine. Feel free to stop asking me anytime." I called down to her.

I shut the door loudly behind me and flopped down onto my bed. My breakfast sloshed unpleasantly inside of me, making me feel sick. I spied my backpack on the floor and knew I should work on some of my homework, but couldn't be bothered to get up. Instead, I grabbed my phone and spent hours mindlessly scrolling through my various social media. Every now and then I would go downstairs and raid the pantry, stuffing my face without talking to anyone before retreating back upstairs.

That night, there was a knock on my door.

"What?"

It cracked open and my mom poked her head in. "How's it goin?"

"How's what going?"

"I don't know. Life, I suppose."

"It's fine," I told her, not looking up from my phone.

"Are you sure?"

"Mom, what do you want from me?"

"I want to figure out why you're being so snotty, first of all. But mainly I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

I pulled myself to sitting, looking at her for the first time since she came in. It was as if a switch clicked inside of me, replacing all of my apathy with white hot rage. My eyes narrowed and the words began to flow from my mouth like venom. "You want to know if I'm okay? Guess what? I'm not! And I probably never will be, I'm going to be completely fucked up for the rest of my stupid life! But you already knew that. We all know that, we're just smiling and pretending like someday I'm going to just magically be happy and healed and not a dirty whore. But no one wants to talk about that. No, because that would require acknowledging that while you were spending every other weekend living your fairy tale, second chance life with Mark, I was being abused across town. You don't give a shit if I'm okay, you just want to feel less guilty about the fact that you were married to a rapist."

Her face paled, and for one moment I thought she was going to faint. "You're… hurting. You're having a bad day." Her voice trembled. "You're only saying these things because you're in pain."

I jumped up from the bed. "You're damn right I'm in pain! Every time I close my eyes, I can see him. I can smell him and feel him; I hear him call me baby over and over. Do you have any fucking idea what that's like?" My hands were in my hair, tugging on it as I began to pace around. "I can't get away from it. It's impossible because it's carved into my mind. Every moment, every night, every touch, it's never going away! And where were you? Where were you while all of this was happening?"

She began to cry openly. "I didn't know… Jen I didn't-"

"You didn't know? I was dying! And you did nothing, you let this happen, you might as well have held me down for him!"

"JJ, stop it." Mark was standing in my doorway, face solemn. "This wasn't your mom's fault."

I pressed my hands hard into the sides of my head, trying to alleviate the awful headache that was suddenly raging inside my skull. "Go away, Mark!"

"If you're going to be mad at someone, be mad at your dad. He's the one who did this."

"Yeah well the last time I got angry with him, he fucking backhanded me across the face, so excuse me if I don't try that again," I retorted sarcastically.

"This is not her fault," he repeated as she began to cry harder.

"Of course not! How could it be her fault? I never told her. Just say what you're thinking, what everyone is thinking! It's my fault! It's my fault that this happened. I deserved it. I'm just a stupid whore that men will use and throw away until the day I finally die."

Even as I spat the words at them, I felt all of the anger draining out of me, leaving me back in the sea of numbness. My heart thudded in my chest, and I weakly leaned against my desk. We all sat suspended in a beat of awful silence.

"JJ-"

"Just… go please. I want to be alone," I told her. I kept my gaze on the ground but out of the corner of my eyes I could see Mark gently pull her out of the room. I sat heavily on my bed and waited, but the tears still didn't come. Instead, I sat in dull defeat, listening to the wind moving against the side of the house.


	49. Chapter 49

**(Guys New York City is literally SO COLD right now. Our low for tonight is 1! degree! Insane. Anyways, enjoy this chapter!)**

When I woke up the next morning it was as if I had broken free from a spell. The words I had shouted at my mom and Mark seemed to hang in the air above me, and my stomach ached with shame.

I hadn't meant the majority of what I had said. I had just been angry, and wanted to make someone else hurt the way I was. I hadn't meant to make Mom cry. Of course the abuse wasn't her fault. How was she supposed to stop something I didn't have the courage to tell her about? But in the aftermath of my temper tantrum, I guess there was no denying that a small part of me felt like she should have noticed that was something was wrong. If anyone was going to recognize that I was slowly dying inside, wouldn't it have been the person who carried me inside them for nine months?

I got out of bed and pulled on an old sweatshirt, pulling the sleeves down over my freezing fingers. I knew that I needed to apologize to my mom, but part of me was angry that I had to. My dad had never apologized for how much he had hurt me, for all the ways he tried to destroy me. Ethan sure as hell hadn't apologized. Why should I have to apologize for hurting others when no one was particularly concerned about hurting me?

I shook my head at the thought. No, I was better than that, better than them. My mom didn't deserve to be yelled at that way.

She was sitting on the couch watching the morning news when I came downstairs. She looked over at me as I walked into the living room but didn't say anything, no doubt preparing for me to explode for no reason.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Hey there. How'd you sleep?"

I shrugged. "Alright."

"More nightmares?"

"Yeah. Not so bad, but… yeah."

"I'm sorry."

I sat down next to her on the couch, hugging my arms around one leg. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't… I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I shouldn't have gotten so mad for no reason."

She nodded. "Thank you for apologizing, but you don't have to. You shouldn't be sorry about being upset."

"I know but I shouldn't have been such an asshole about it."

She gave me a small smile and swatted my knee. "You're developing quite the potty mouth, little Miss."

I chuckled softly. "Sorry."

She sighed and put down her coffee, turning so that she could grasp both of my hands in hers. "We do need to talk, though."

I couldn't bring myself to look in her eyes. "Yeah," I mumbled.

"You can be mad at me. It's okay."

"No Mom, I-"

"JJ. Stuff like that doesn't come out of nowhere. You can deny it all you want to try and spare my feelings, but you're upset with me. And we should probably talk about it."

I groaned, keeping my eyes locked on our hands. "I guess… I'm not… I don't blame you. You didn't do anything wrong. I guess there's just… I wanted to tell you as soon as it started. That night I wanted to call you and make you come get me."

"Then sweetie why didn't you?"

I finally looked up at her. "Because… I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want it to be real. So I just kept pretending it wasn't. And also I guess…"

"What?"

"Part of me wondered if you would even believe me," I whispered.

"Jayje… Of course I would have. When I finally understood, at the school, what you were trying to tell me, I was in shock. I never could have imagined… We were married for so long. He was… Is the father of my children. I didn't- I couldn't have imagined that he was capable of this. But even though I didn't… No part of me ever thought you were lying. Part of me thought I was misunderstanding you at first, but… it never crossed my mind not to believe you."

I nodded, my throat tight. "I guess there was also part of me that wanted you to just know. Without me having to say it, just realize that I was in trouble. Which is stupid, it's not your fault that you can't read my mind. But I couldn't help being mad."

She reached up and brushed my hair out of my face. "Believe me, if I had suspected, even for a moment, that something like this was happening, I would've torn him apart. But I just… And now, looking back I can see all of the signs we missed, but we thought-" she gave a shaky, humorless laugh, "-we thought it was just normal teenage junk, y'know? I mean, you're grades weren't slipping, you were still a soccer star, and you were holding it together… I know we always joke that Ros got all of the artistic genes, but I guess you have better acting chops than any of us realized." She gave me a sad smile, then sighed. "This isn't your fault. Any of it. You never asked for any of this to happen. And you deserve better."

She leaned forward and took my chin in her hand, forcing me to look at her again. "You deserve to be treated like the brilliant, talented, caring person that you are. You're not used up or disgusting. You're not dirty; you're not a whore or a slut, or any of the other ugly words I've heard you use. Someday you're going to be able to see all of the wonderful things I see when I look at you, even if that day isn't today." She pressed a hard kiss to my forehead. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." I wrapped my arms around her, resting my head against her chest.

Later that afternoon, I was helping Mom clean up the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Mark answered it, and appeared in the kitchen a few moments later.

"Will's here," he announced. Will appeared over his shoulder, his brown hair held flat against his forehead by a beanie.

"Hey," he said with a grin.

"Hey." I leaned the broom against the counter. "What's up?"

"We were gonna work on the Chemistry packet, remember? The pre-test booklet?"

I stared at him for a moment before everything clicked together. "Yes! The packet! Sorry, everything's been… It completely slipped my mind. Sorry."

He grinned. "It's okay. You had me worried that I had dreamed the whole thing up."

"Let me just finish up here."

"Will, do you want to stay over for dinner since you're here? It's nothing exciting, but you're more than welcome to stay," she told him.

"Sounds great, Mrs. Daw- Sandy." He caught her look halfway through and corrected himself.

She smiled. "Feel free to head up to JJ's room."

Mark lifted his head from where he was poking around in the fridge. "Or you guys can work down here on the kitchen table," he said in a casual tone.

Mom rolled her eyes and patted Will's shoulder. "Upstairs is fine."

Will turned and left the kitchen. Mom turned and raised an eyebrow at my stepfather.

"What? I was just thinking… There's more room down here for studying."

"It's fine," she repeated with a smirk. I emptied my dustpan into the trash. "Thanks for helping me, you can head up."

We admittedly talked and laughed more than we studied. We only did one page in the workbook before being pulled downstairs by the smell of something delicious. Mom and Mark looked up from the stove as we entered.

"See I told you the smell would bring them down," she teased.

"What are we having?" I asked.

"Tator tot casserole."

"Oh my god, yum." I groaned.

"Wanna set the table for us?" Mark asked.

"Sure." I pointed Will towards the silverware drawer and got four plates out of the cabinet. We crossed to the kitchen table. I handed him the last plate for his own setting.

"Thanks, baby." I froze, the hair on the back of my neck standing slightly up. Behind me, even though I couldn't see them, I could feel my parents come to a standstill.

I cleared my throat. "Hey Will? Could you not call me that?"

"Hm?"

"Can you not call me baby?"

He looked up at me, his face blissfully unaware. "Yeah, sorry. It's a no go on the pet names?"

"Others are fine," I said quickly. "Just… Not a fan of that one."

"Alright." He gave me a grin. "I could call you Cher, like I'm still down South."

"That sounds great."

My mom came bustling in with the casserole. "Alright, here we go! Now, as per usual, I made enough for a small army, so Will please dig in, eat as much as you'd like."

When I came in from walking Will to his truck, Mark was sitting on the couch. I flopped down next to him. "I'm so full, I ate way too much."

"Me too. Just think, Will had another full serving after the rest of us stopped."

"He eats like he'll never see food again."

"I don't know where he puts it."

"He must have a second stomach," I joked. I looked over at him. "I'm sorry, by the way."

"What's that?"

"I'm sorry for last night. I was really mean and I shouldn't have yelled all that stuff."

He smiled. "Don't worry about it. It happens to the best of us. And besides, I think your mom took the brunt of it, not me."

"I know. And I apologized to her this morning for it. We talked it out."

"I'm glad to hear it."

We watched TV for a couple minutes. "Will's really great, y'know."

He glanced over at me. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You don't have to worry."

"I know." He thought for a second. "I can see that he's a good kid, I can. And I trust your judgement. It's just… I've always considered myself a pretty good judge of character. I mean, I have to be. My entire job is to look at the flesh and blood people behind the loan application and decide whether or not to trust them. And it's not often that I'm wrong. But I was."

"What do you mean?"

He scratched at the back of his head. "When they came to the grief group, your dad and I hit it off, straight away. We didn't have much in common other than loss and a love of golf, but he struck me as a good guy. Even when they got divorced… they both managed to stay incredibly amicable. We would go out to play a round and he would talk about his frustration over everything that was happening, but he very rarely had something bad to say about your mom."

"I remember going to him, after your mom and I kissed for the first time. And I was nervous to tell him, didn't know what he would say. But he just patted my back and told me that he still cared for your mom, and that he had come to care for me too, and if this was something that made us happy, who was he to stand in the way?" He shook his head. "I just… I keep looking back for something, some sign that this would happen. But I can't because there were none."

"Deep down I know Will's a good guy. He treats you well, he's respectful, I can see that. I'm just finding it a little hard to trust anyone with you, because I've come to think of you as my daughter and I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"I know. And thank you."

He gave me a smile. "Did your mom ever tell you about our first kiss?" I shook my head. "We went out for coffee after one of the grief support meetings. At that point, I'm not sure I was still going because of Shawna," he confided. "It had been quite a few years. I had found some closure. No I think I was going because of a certain blonde who was in attendance. I looked forward to every Monday night because I knew I'd get to talk to your mom afterward. So anyway, we went out for coffee afterward. We'd had a really nice time, talking about anything and everything. Afterwards, I walked her back to her car, except they were doing construction on the parking lot at Starbucks so we'd had to park across the street at Target. We were having ridiculous thunderstorms that year, so the roads were covered in all sorts of puddles and standing water and while we were waiting to cross, a car drove by, hit a puddle, and completely splashed your mom. I got maybe eight drops on one arm, but your mom looked like she'd been fished out of the ocean." We both laughed. "And I looked over at her and was waiting for her to just lose it, and instead she started laughing like a crazy person. And I looked at this beautiful woman, with her dripping hair and her wet clothes, practically crying with laughter, and before I could stop myself, I took her in my arms and just… kissed her. And then I pulled back, wondering if she was going to slap me, and she looked at me and said… 'Took you long enough.' And then she kissed me."

"How have I never heard that story before?" I asked with a smile.

He shrugged. "I don't know, you weren't incredibly excited when your mom and I started dating, so I imagine you weren't too keen to hear the juicy details."

I smiled. "Well I'm glad you guys ended up together. I'm happy her bratty daughter didn't chase you off."

He patted my knee. "You couldn't chase me away from your mother if you tried. And if memory serves, you definitely tried."

I smiled as he stood up to refill his drink. "Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you think of me as your daughter. I… I think of me that way too."


	50. Chapter 50

**(Here's chap 50!)**

The next day, I went to my appointment with Dr. Blake. Before we started our second PE session, I told her about everything that had happened this weekend, about the numbness and the uncontrollable anger. She nodded as I explained how it felt like something else had taken over my body.

"What happened the next day?"

"I apologized. We talked it out."

"That's good. Were they understanding?"

"Yeah. Too understanding. I don't even know what I would do if someone yelled at me like that."

"Well… Your parents love you. They care deeply about you and they've seen everything you've gone through in the past three months. They know how hard you've been working, how much you've been hurting. So it's natural they would be compassionate, even when you lash out. And while it may be frustrating to feel so out of control, a lot of studies have suggested that this stage is actually a good thing."

I scoffed. "How?"

"Well, the anger shows that your body is finally working towards facing your trauma. It means that it's no longer trying to shut down and pretend nothing happened. It means your healing."

"I hope so."

"And that was it? A quiet evening at home?"

"Yeah. Will came over and we did homework."

"How's Will?" she asked with a smile.

"He's good, same as always." I thought back to when he came over. "There was kind of a thing, actually. Or maybe not, I don't know."

"Oh?"

"He called me baby. And he had done it a few time before in passing and I didn't know how to bring it up that I don't like it. But he did while we were setting the table."

"What did you do?"

"Just told him I didn't like it. That other pet names were fine, just not a fan of that one.

"And what did he do?"

"He said okay. He was super chill. Offered to call me Cher."

"Like the singer?"

I laughed. "No, it's apparently a popular term in Louisiana. It's French I guess."

"Why don't you like it?"

I kept my eye contact steady. "That's what he called me."

"Since you were a little girl? Or just during the abuse?"

"Both." She nodded slowly.

"Well it would make sense as to why you wouldn't want Will to call you that."

"I don't want anyone to call me baby. They can call me by one of my four thousand nicknames."

"That's fair enough. You just have to let people know. And if they don't respect that, no explanations needed, then they're probably not someone you want in your life anyway. Right?" I nodded. "Alright. Ready to begin?"

I groaned as my character died on screen for the tenth time. "I don't understand this stupid game!"

Will laughed. "Hey don't take it out on the game just because you suck." He had invited me over Wednesday night to play video games, but it was quickly becoming apparent that I was hopeless.

I looked at him in mock offense. "Excuse you, I do not suck!"

"I mean you haven't made it further than five minutes into the game."

"I did the first time!"

"That's because you went the wrong way, away from the combat," he teased.

I began to laugh. "It's not my fault. Travis never let me play with him growing up."

"Oh for sure. I never let Cass play."

"See! You're part of the problem! Someday she's gonna have a boyfriend and she won't know how to play Call of Duty."

He set down his controller. "See she won't have that problem because she's never going to have a real boyfriend."

"I might someday!" She retorted, her voice slightly muffled by the wall seperating their rooms.

Will raised his voice and yelled back, "Not if you keep being an annoying brat and eavesdropping on other people's conversations!" He wrapped an arm around me and pressed a kiss to my cheek. "Don't feel bad," he said at a normal volume. "You're still pretty cute, even if you suck at first person shooters."

I ducked my head slightly away. I was in a weird mood; normally Will's compliments made me feel safe and secure. Today they just made me uncomfortable and tense.

I shrugged out from under his arm and went to check my phone where it was charging on his dresser. I felt him come to stand behind me and I turned around.

"You really are you know. No matter where we are, you're always the most beautiful girl in the room. I'm the luckiest guy on earth."

Something seemed to twist in my stomach and I evaded the hand that was caressing my cheek. "Is that all you think about?" I asked before I had a chance to stop myself.

He furrowed his eyebrows in surprise. "What?"

"It's... all you ever talk about is how I'm so cute, so pretty, is that all you see when you look at me?" I didn't know where any of these words were coming from.

"No I... I'm sorry baby I-"

"I've asked you not to call me that," I growled at him through clenched teeth. I moved across the room, needing to put space between us.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean- JJ. Hey. Look at me." I glanced over at him. He held up his hands. "I'm sorry. Of course I see more than that. I... I didn't mean to make you think differently. I just... I have a beautiful girlfriend; you drive me a little crazy, so I need to say it out loud. I can't help that I'm red blooded American man." He gave me a lop sided grin, but I remained stone faced.

"Oh so all of this, the sensitive, caring teenage boy, it's all just some giant ruse to get in my pants?"

He looked back at me in shock. "What? No, that's not it at all-"

"Because I thought I made it pretty clear back in December that I wasn't going to fuck you any time soon."

He threw a glance towards his door. "Would you mind keeping your damn voice down?" he hissed, his face flushing with anger. "My parents are both in the living room."

"Well is that it? Tell me!" I demanded, not lowering my voice.

"No JJ, I'm not dating you so I can have sex with you. You'd never know it from how you're acting right now, , but I actually enjoy spending time with you. If I was just looking for some girl to get in the sack I would have gone after Elle Greenaway."

"Don't talk about her like that!" I said loudly.

"Oh so you can punch her and nearly break her nose, but I'm not allowed to call attention to the fact that she's dated like half of our school?"

I snatched up my backpack and my jacket. "You're being a pig."

"Well you're not making any sense! How many times have you talked crap on her, but I can't?"

"It's different!" I insisted. "You don't know her!"

"Yeah I didn't want to get to know her, not after all of the things you said about her."

I yanked open his door and he followed me down the short hallway. "Where are you going?" He asked, pulling me to a stop in the front entryway.

"I'm going home." The tears were building fast. I sniffed as I focused on getting my jacket zipped up.

"At least let me drive you, its like 10 degrees outside."

"I'm fine I can make it on my own." Out of the corner of my eye I could see both Will Sr and Sheila staring at us in shock from their couch, the same couch I had given Will a blowjob on.

"JJ wait!" I pushed through the front door and he followed just a couple seconds after. "Don't be stupid, c'mon get in my truck you'll freeze out here."

"I'm fine, go back inside." I took off down the street and he came to stand in front of me. "Look you can either get in the truck and I can drive you home or we can walk there together and freeze our asses off, but I'm not letting you go alone. Not when you're in a mood like this." I put my hands on my hips and looked away, silently fuming. "Well? Which is it gonna be?"

I met his eyes for a moment then turned and started walking back towards the truck. He jogged a few paces and opened the door for me. I whispered thank you and slid into the passenger seat.

He leaned against the frame of the truck. "You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?"

I crossed my arms tightly across my chest. I blinked back the tears and shook my head. He sighed and shut the door.

We didn't say anything on the short drive to my house. When he pulled to a stop, I immediately reached for my seat belt.

"Wait." I paused and looked up at him. "Jayje I need to know that you know that I'm not just trying to fuck you. I'm really not. I'm here to be your boyfriend, to share things with you. Whatever happens between us physically is just a nice add on."

The tears threatened to fall again. "I just... You're so good to me. And I can't figure out why." I whispered.

His forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Why? Why what?"

"Why you're with me. I'm... I'm a fucking wreck. I'm weird about physical touch and I can be such a bitch. Why don't you find someone who's not so fucked up? I'm just, I'm garbage, and you deserve better-"

"Hey!" He cut me off. "You don't get to talk about my girlfriend that way. She is smart and funny and I'm with her because I can't imagine dating anyone else. You're having a rough time, you're allowed to. That doesn't make you fucked up. And so what you're careful about physical touch? Have you ever thought that maybe it's everyone else who should be more careful? Just because you're different doesn't mean you're wrong."

He offered me his hand and I silently took hold of it. "Am I making any sense?"

I nodded and took a deep breath. "I just... ugh. I'm sorry.I don't know where all of this anger is coming from. According to my therapist it's healthy and a sign that I'm getting better, but I hate it. It's like one minute I'm fine and the next I'm flying off the handle for no reason. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. If anyone's earned the right to be mad at the world its you." He squeezed my hand and I gave him a shaky smile. "Can I have a kiss?" He asked gently.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to his for a moment. When I pulled back I rested my forehead against his. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For sticking around while I get all of this figured out."

He smiled and cupped my cheek, his thumb rubbing over my cheekbone. "There's no place else I'd rather be."

Friday when I got home from school, my mom called me into the dining room.

"How was your day?"

"It was kind of pointless, to be honest. Everyone was ready for spring break, even the teachers, so nothing got done."

"Do you have any plans tonight?"

"No, Will has family stuff and Penelope is grounded."

"What happened?"

"Well… she might have hacked into Mrs. Strauss's computer."

"She what?" Mom asked in alarm.

I held up my hands. "It's not as big of a deal as it sounds. But her parents weren't too happy."

"I should think not."

"Why do you ask?"

"Well I actually have a task for you to do."

"What's up?"

She took off her glasses. "You need to pack a bag."

I stared at her in confusion. "A bag? Why do I… Are you kicking me out?"

"What?! No! Of course not JJ!" she said with a laugh.

"Well why do I need to pack a bag?"

"Take a look on the fridge." I did as instructed. Underneath a magnet that Travis had brought back from Barcelona, were a set of plane tickets. I took a closer look and realised that they were for a roundtrip to Sacramento. I whipped around.

"I'm going to California? To see Kate?"

She smiled. "We've had them since January, I just wanted to wait and surprise you. You leave Sunday morning."

I squealed and threw myself into her lap, hugging my arms around her neck. "Oh my gosh! Thank you! This is seriously… I haven't seen Kate in so long."

"I know. And it'll be a chance for you to get away from everything, have a little break. And Gina is going to take you and Kate to tour a couple colleges while you're there, so you can have some options."

"Mom I'm not going to college in California," I laughed.

"Why not?"

I was taken aback. "Well, because… It's so far away. I woud never get to see you and Mark."

"Well Travis is just four hours away and we never see him, so maybe it has less to do with where you go to college, and more to do with the fact that you _are_ in college."

I gave her another hug then jumped to my feet. "Oh my god, I have to go pack!"

"Don't forget your swim suit. And call Kate! She's been sworn to secrecy for the past couple of weeks, she's about to burst!"

"Will do!" I called as I bounded up the stairs, tickets still in hand. I was going to California! I couldn't imagine a better way to spend spring break.


	51. Chapter 51

**(Woa guys. I completely bailed out for a few months! I'm so sorry! I had a horrible writer's block about this chapter for some reason, and it took me forever to make myself sit down and write it. But it's finally done! And hopefully this will get my muse working again. Enjoy!)**

 **(Also, I'm about to post a VERY steamy fic I wrote during my absence. It involves JJ, Will, Emily, and very little clothing. So if that sounds like something you'd like, feel free to check it out haha)**

When the plane touched down in Sacramento, it felt like I had landed in a different world. Pennsylvania was still huddled under dark storm clouds, the days continually cold and windy. Outside of my window, however, everything was bathed in sunshine. I could hardly wait to get off the plane.

I spotted Kate from across the terminal and ran towards her. She saw me and did the same, our arms flinging around each other as we collided.

"Oh my god! I can't believe you're actually here!" she squealed.

I laughed breathlessly. "I know! When my mom gave me the tickets, I felt like I was dreaming." We pulled back and stared at each other for a second. Kate's hair was longer than when she had moved, and she had more freckles across her nose. But one look at her giggly eyes told me she was still the girl I had grown up with.

"Let's go get your stuff!" I followed her towards the luggage carousel.

"Where are your parents?"

"Oh, work stuff. My mom took off several days later in the week so she could hang out with us, but today it's just me."

"Wait so you're going to drive us home?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"What? I'm a good driver!" I smirked at her. "Okay, so I have a tiny little habit of going the wrong direction down one way streets. That only happened a few times, and we didn't die!"

I snorted. "If you were that bad in Erie I can't _wait_ to see you drive here in California."

"I'll have you know that Californian policemen are much more understanding about those kind of things."

"Mm hm. And I'm sure it doesn't hurt that you don't have the Wonder Twins hidden away under heavy sweaters and coats."

She pressed a hand to her cheek in mock outrage. "I would never use the fact that I'm well-endowed to get out of trouble!" We both kept a straight face for as long as we could before breaking into giggles. Kate, like Penelope, had been blessed with giant boobs at a fairly young age. She had quickly learned that a few giggles and a low cut shirt could be used to ease her through tight spots.

My suitcase came by and I grabbed it. "Alright, let's go."

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it as we walked out of the airport. "We're going to have so much fun, Jayje. It's going to be great!"

Xxx

That night after dinner we stayed up talking until nearly 11. I was still on East coast time, where it was nearly two, and my eyes had begun to itch and water. We shut out the lights and settled underneath her comforter, shoulder to shoulder, staring up into the darkness.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly. I sighed, but I wasn't surprised. I knew she had been wanting to ask me about it since she saw me in the airport, but had been holding back.

"Yeah. I… I don't know if okay is the right word. It's been rough."

"I'm sure." We lay in silence, listening to each other's breathing. "I just… Why didn't you tell me? We've never kept secrets."

"I know, Kate I was just…" I took a deep breath. "I don't know. Believe me, every single person in my life, my Mom, Mark, Travis, teachers, my therapist… They all want to know why I didn't tell. And I don't have an answer. I wish I had one, maybe then… Maybe it would make me feel a little less guilty."

"Guilty?"

"I don't know. For letting it happen as long as it did."

"Jayje, you didn't let-"

"I know. It's just…" I groaned. "I'm not a little kid. I knew it was wrong, I knew I needed to tell someone, but I couldn't. I was so scared. I didn't want anyone to know, I was scared about what people would say. I didn't want to hurt my family. And… I didn't want to lose my dad. Is that crazy? Even after… After everything, he was still my dad. 90% of the time he was wonderful. So I did everything I could to cut off what was happening. I hid it, did everything to protect the secret… protect him." The words poured out of me, the darkness making me feel safe. "I wish I could go back to that first night and change it all. I'd call my mom, I'd call the police. But I can't. I can't."

She turned onto her side and wrapped an arm around me. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks," I whispered softly. I let my eyes fall shut, relishing in having my best friend beside me again, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Xxx

The following days were packed with activities. Kate's mom, Gina, took us to tour UC Davis and UC Berkeley. We had a great time hanging out on the college campuses, taking the tours and thinking about prospective majors. Wednesday she took us to San Francisco, and we had a blast exploring Chinatown and riding the cable cars. I took pictures and sent them to my parents, Will, and Penelope, the latter sending back a flurry of emojis. Once we were back in Sacramento, we joined up with Kate's dad to watch the Sacramento Kings play the Miami Heat, gorging ourselves on soda and hot dogs as we cheered on the basketball team.

I was in a great mood when we headed to bed, not thinking about anything other than the amazing day we'd had. However, this didn't stop the terrible twisted visions of my father coming for me in my sleep. I woke up from the nightmare screaming. It scared Kate awake beside me and her mom came dashing in a few moments later. I couldn't help the tears as they began to fall. Gina sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me close.

This was hardly the first time I'd had a nightmare while spending the night with Kate; in the first year following Ros's death, I was lucky if I could make it more than three nights without waking up crying and drenched in sweat, and Kate's parents had been completely understanding. Gina spoke to my mom about the best thing to do for me when it happened, and over time they slowly became less frequent.

But we all knew that Ros was not the reason I was crying, and it made me cry even harder. Gina stroked my hair and let me cry myself out. Once I had calmed down, she got me a glass of water from the bathroom, and then returned to her room, pulling the door closed behind her.

Kate tightly held my hand as I took several shuddering breaths.

"I'm sorry I woke everyone up."

She laid her head on my shoulder. "Don't apologize, JJ. You can't control it."

"I'm just ready to be completely normal, y'know?"

"Are any of us really normal?" she asked teasingly.

I gave her a small smile as we settled back below the blankets and she turned out the lights.

Xxx

My last day there, Kate drove us a few hours to the nearest beach. Even though it was thirty degrees warmer than Pennsylvania, the water was still much too cold to get in, so we hung out on the boardwalk instead, eating ice cream and laughing about every little thing. We had been there for a few hours when a couple of boys our age approached us.

"Hey," one of them said, the other merely nodding. Kate and I made knowing eye contact and tried not to laugh.

"Hi," she answered. "Can we help you?"

"Well, we saw you down here and thought we would come say hello." He was shorter than his friend, but was broad and muscular. "I'm David, and this is Scott." He smiled at both of us, but his eyes were mainly focused on Kate.

"Well it's nice to meet you David. I'm Kate. Does your friend talk?" They both laughed.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm Scott." He was tall and lanky, with blondish brown hair that he kept nervously pushing away from his face. He smiled at me shyly before looking back at the ground.

"I'm JJ."

"Would you girls want to hang out? We could go see a movie or grab a bite?"

Kate reached out and touched his shoulder as she fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously. "You know, any other time that would sound great David, but this is actually JJ's last day in town before she flies out tomorrow."

"Rotten luck dude. But… maybe I could grab your number?"

Kate smiled at David. "Yeah. Sure." She grabbed a pen out of her bag and took his hand, writing it on his palm.

I noticed Scott looking at me hopefully. "Sorry, I… I live in Pennsylvania. And I have a boyfriend."

His face flushed. "Cool, cool…"

"Well, hopefully I'll see you around, Kate." David gave her a quick grin before turning away. We held our breath as they retreated, before breaking into giggles again.

"Aw Jayje, you could have just given it to him, he looks like a sad puppy!"

I laughed. "Kate, I'm not just giving my number out to strangers. Besides, I really do have a boyfriend, remember?"

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him!" I gave her look and she rolled her eyes with a wide smile. "Alright, alright fine. How is Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome, anyway?"

"He's good!" I pulled my hair back into a ponytail as the breeze began to pick up. "As wonderful as ever."

"Have you guys had sex?"

"Kate! No!"

She began to laugh before a guilty look crossed her face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't…" She shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"Hey you're fine, you didn't… I'm not upset."

She looked out across the water as we began walking back to her car. "Is it… weird to think about that kind of stuff?"

I thought about it for a second. "Um… Kind of? I don't know. It's not so much talking about sex. But sometimes when we're like kissing and stuff I can get a little panicky. I've actually gotten a lot better about it. For a while I didn't want him to kiss me or even really touch me. But now… Therapy has helped. I'm better about separating the two things apart."

"Do you think you guys will?"

I shrugged. "Honestly, who knows? I like him a lot, though."

"Do you loooooooove him?" she teased, making me laugh.

"God, I… I don't even know what love is anymore." The words hung in the air between us, coming out much heavier than I had intended. "I didn't… Sorry. I didn't mean to get so morbid."

"That's okay." She shook her hair out of her eyes.

"Did I tell you that Travis is thinking about proposing to his girlfriend?" I asked, changing the subject.

"What? No!"

"Yeah! He's completely head over heels for her. It's adorable, and honestly a little pathetic."

"Well, there goes my chance to join your family!" Ever since we were little, Kate had always had a crush on Travis, and had joked that one day they would get married. "Do you like her?"

I nodded. "Yeah! Grace is great. She… She keeps him in line, y'know?"

Kate laughed. "Well God knows Travis needs it."

"You have no idea." I stopped her as we got to the parking lot. "Hey. Thanks for this week. It's been… Honestly I didn't realize how badly I needed it until I was away from everything."

Kate smiled. "Good. I'm glad."

We got into her car. "You'll have to come visit this summer."

She groaned as she reversed out of her spot without checking behind her, nearly hitting a car in the process. She pulled forward again, waving sheepishly at them in her rearview mirror. "Why would I give up the beach for Pennsylvania?"

"Because I'm your best friend." I gave her shoulder a gentle shove. "And also so you can meet Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome in person."

"Ooh… Well maybe I will! I'll have my people call your people."

I laughed, staring out at the beach as we drove away. "Sounds like a plan."


	52. Chapter 52

**(See! I really am back. Here's chapter 52. Things get.. ummmmm... handsy... :) So if that's not something you want to read, then quit reading when she begins reading!)**

Dr. Blake offered me the box of tissues. We had just finished our third session of PE therapy. While each individual session sucked, it did seem to be helping. The headaches were lessening, the nightmares were further apart. There were days when I really felt like my old self.

"Are you alright?" she asked gently. I nodded. I wiped at my face and took several deep breaths, trying to steady myself.

"How's school going?"

"It's okay. It was our first day back from break; the teachers are starting to really focus on end of year tests."

"Are you worried?"

"No. I've been paying attention. I'll be fine."

She smiled and tapped her pen on the test. "I wish I would have had your kind of academic confidence when I was in school. Even if it was a simple multiplication test, I would be up all night, nervous about doing poorly."

I shrugged. "School has always come really easy to me."

"How's your mom? I'm sure she's happy to have you back."

"Yeah. Although it was probably nice for her and Mark to have the house to themselves without being afraid I'm going to blow up again."

"And how is that? The anger?"

I let out a slow breath. "Better. I mean, the week that I was in California was great; I was so relaxed and carefree… But overall, I'm less upset."

"Good. That's the goal." She took a sip of her tea. "How's Will?"

"He's good! They just started baseball practices, so he's pretty busy."

"What position does he play?"

"First base."

"Do you know much about baseball?"

"Not really. I played tee ball when I was a kid, but compared to soccer there was too much standing around."

"Have there been any… physical developments? Anything changed sides between yes and no?"

I ignored my reddening cheeks as I thought about the night before. We had gone out to the movies to celebrate me being back in town and had ended up parking behind the doughnut shop for nearly an hour, sprawled across the front seat of his truck, kissing until the windows had fogged up. For the most part, all of the rules were still firmly in place, but in a moment of frenzy I had grabbed his hand and urged it up my shirt, onto my chest. He had been more than happy to oblige, and I had let my head fall back against the seat, rejoicing in how wonderful it felt. He'd slid his fingers just under the band and asked if it was still okay as he kissed along my jaw. I had nodded my consent and then his hands were cupping me beneath my bra. Any lingering fear or discomfort had been pushed away by how good it felt.

"We uh… we've done a bit more, I guess. Nothing big. Under the shirt stuff."

"I see. And how was that?"

"It was so nice." I couldn't help but press my fists against my reddening cheeks as I admitted it to her, and Dr. Blake laughed.

"There's no need to be embarrassed, JJ. It's 100% natural. Human beings are sexual creatures; we do these things because they feel nice."

"I know, it just…" I groaned. "It's just weird."

She gave me a thoughtful look. "Remind me… Will is your first boyfriend, yes?"

"Yeah."

"And there were no like, handsy games of seven minutes in heaven when you were in junior high?"

I laughed. "Uh no. I'm way too awkward for stuff like that."

She nodded. "Do you ever think about doing more with Will? I know you made the list, but do you ever just wonder what it would be like?"

"...Sometimes, I guess."

"What do you think about?"

I found myself at a loss for words. How was it possible that I had just spent an hour recounting some of the worst memories of my entire life, but that suddenly seemed preferable to telling her about fantasizing about kissing Will.

"Just… when we haven't hung out for a while, I miss kissing him. I wonder y'know… what it would be like to do other stuff."

"Stuff like oral sex?"

"Dr. Blake!" I groaned, and she laughed again. "Yeah, I guess."

"I think I already asked this, but to just double check, you don't masturbate, correct?"

I wanted to actually sink into the floor. "No," I told her in a mortified whisper.

"Never?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I just… God I don't know. I just… haven't. I wouldn't even know where to begin," I admitted.

"Does it seem dirty to you?"

"No, I'm not like… a puritan or something."

"Does sex still seem dirty to you?" I looked back at her in an uncomfortable silence. "Because it's not. It's something very natural, like I said. And you're seventeen, smack dab in the hormone storm of your late teens. It's okay to have yearnings and desires. You're a woman. And yes, you experienced an awful, awful trauma, but I'm betting no one explained that to your ovaries. They're just focused on making babies, and they do so by soaking your bloodstream with things like estrogen and progesterone. Which are going to make you, understandably, a little starry eyed."

I shifted in my seat a bit. "I guess I do have… some of those feelings. And I really like Will. But I don't know if I could… I think I would just end up freaking out."

"And that's understandable. Like I said, your ovaries are pro-procreation. Not that you want to have a baby at seventeen, that's just what your body is prepping for. Your amygdala, however, along with your hippocampus and your prefrontal cortex, are the parts of your brain that take the brunt force of trauma, and they want absolutely nothing to do with men."

"So my body is fighting itself?"

"Basically. You have two cave woman drives, the urge to reproduce and the urge to protect yourself from danger, and right now they're fighting it out."

"That makes it sound like I'm pretty screwed."

"Not so much," she told me with a smile. "The PE therapy is helping to manage the PTSD symptoms. Once they're under control, while it won't be just easy peasy, there won't be as much of a block when seeking out sexual partners."

"But didn't you say it can potentially take years to fight PTSD?"

She nodded, and I rolled my eyes. "Great. So maybe I'll be a little less of a freak by the time I go to college."

"You're not a freak, JJ."

"This is just so frustrating. All I've ever wanted to do was be normal." She stood up and went to one of her bookshelves. She bent down and skimmed one of the very bottom rows. She pulled one out and flipped it open, checking something inside before nodding. She brought it back to her desk.

"I have a little bit of an assignment for you."

"Alright?"

"I want you to think about giving masturbation a shot."

It felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. "You want me to what?"

"I'm not saying you have to do it, just mull it over. But whatever you do, do not watch porn. Don't get me wrong, it's great, it's empowering, whatever, but unfortunately the internet is a sick place, and you will almost certainly stumble into something very triggering. Take this instead."

She handed me the book. "George Orwell's _1984_?" Now on top of feeling like I would die of embarrassment, I was confused. "We read this in sophomore English; this is the least sexy book I can think of."

She gave me a small smile. "Look inside."

I flipped it open to the cover page. " _Love's On-Deck_?"

"Most people don't feel comfortable toting around romance novels, so I have a few that I keep on hand with less conspicuous covers. I know what's in them, so I know that there won't be something accidentally triggering."

I pulled off the cover and took in the tan, muscled model on the front, his white baseball pants pulled low on his hips. "You're giving me soft-core baseball porn?"

She chuckled. "I guess I am, yes. Now there's no pressure. If it comes down to it and you just don't want to, that's fine. But if you're in a place where you're thinking about reclaiming a bit of your own territory, this might be a place to start."

I had begun reading a bit after dinner. The premise for the book turned out to be ridiculous. She was some hotshot doctor who had been forced to return to her hometown to care for her sick father. He was a broody minor league pitcher who was at risk of injury taking him away from the game he loved. They were sassy and sarcastic with each other, obviously covering up the fact that they wanted to jump each other's bones. But when they finally did for the first time, I couldn't help but snap the book shut. It was too much, I was embarrassed for them. I tucked it into my bedside drawer and rolled over to go to sleep. It definitely wasn't for me.

A few nights later, however, I found myself lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and unable to sleep. My mind wandered back to the couple. They had been in the team locker room, her taking a look at his shoulder. I switched on my lamp and pulled the book out, flipping to where I had been reading. I couldn't help but bite my lip as they met for their first kiss. I was keenly aware of every sound in our still house as in the book he picked her up and put her on the treatment table. Clothes went flying in every direction and hands and mouths were exploring skin. I was almost breathless as he finally pushed inside of her. My heart seemed to pound with theirs as they moved against each other.

By the time I finished the chapter, my cheeks were flushed, but not quite in embarrassment anymore. I returned the book to the drawer and switched off the lamp. I took a deep breath and tried to ground myself. _Everything is fine. I can do this._

I honestly had no idea how to start. I felt so awkward, just lying in bed by myself. I closed my eyes and thought back to the scene, of the way her stomach had flipped as he leaned in. I ran my hand gently along my stomach, trying to relax. I tried to recall what the author had written about the way they had touched, what they had said. I gingerly let my hand drift down and cupped myself between my legs. I took a deep breath and moved it gently, unsure of what I was doing.

My brain seemed to be yelling at me that this was stupid, that this was embarrassing, but I shouted it down and kept going. It felt strange and unfamiliar, and surprisingly underwhelming. But then I tilted my hips down just right and got the funniest feeling in my stomach, like when you missed a step going downstairs. I repeated my same action. Eventually I worked up my courage and slid my hand inside of my underwear. I let it rest there for a moment before gently beginning to move around. Nothing really happened until I moved my fingers slightly higher. I hit a spot that gave me the feeling from before. I thought back to the book and what the baseball player had done to her. I could only guess that this was my clit, so I began to circle it in the same manner he had. I imagined myself, sitting on the treatment table, a hot baseball player standing between my legs, hand up my dress. But of course, after a few moments that faceless baseball player was Will. I hadn't seen him in his baseball pants yet, but my mind was more than happy to give me an imagined image of what that would look like.

I imagined him kissing along my jaw as he touched me, my hands holding onto his arms. My underwear had become damper, making it easier to move around. My body was tense, but in a very different way than when I started. It felt so nice, but at the same time, I needed something further. I thought back to the book, thought about what I would want Will to do if he was really here. I let my left hand join my right, but ventured lower. Unwanted memories started to crop up, but I pushed them away. A small spark of fear tried to ignite in my brain but I resolutely ignored it. Instead I let one of the fingers on my left hand nudge its way gently inside of me.

It was the strangest feeling, one I hadn't really been prepared for. But I let it happen, keeping the same rubbing motion with my right hand. I pressed further in and slowly started to move in and out. However, it wasn't so easy, as it turned into a 'pat your stomach, rub your head' situation. But whatever I was doing, it felt right, very right. I pictured Will in front of me, kissing me, imagined it was his fingers not my own. I kept going, my breath slowly starting to speed up with the pace of my fingers.

Suddenly, it was like a string snapped inside of me, and my entire body tightened up. I gave one quiet, shuddery gasp, but it seemed to echo in the darkness of my bedroom. Once the shaking had stopped, I pulled my hands from my underwear, wiping them both on my shorts as I laid back, body loose and relaxed. I glanced at my phone and realized that it had taken me over forty five minutes to get there.

My eyes were suddenly swimming with tears, but I just let them come. It was the second time I had cum in my entire life, and I let all of the feelings wash over me. On some level, I had been afraid I wouldn't be able to again, and that it would only happen with my father, leaving me convinced that I was broken and disgusting. But I had. And while I had definitely been thinking about Will, and imagining him touching me, it had been me. I had been in charge. It was my body, not my father's. It would never be his again.


	53. Chapter 53

**(Chapter 53! Something VERY exciting is on the horizon.)**

We were lying on Will's bed, kissing. Officially, we were doing our chemistry homework, but neither of us had looked at our books in almost half an hour. His hands were in my hair, smoothing it away from my face but also tugging my lips closer to his. I was clutching the fabric of his shirt as if my life depended on it. I shifted so that I could deepen the kiss further and suddenly became keenly aware of the dull throb between my legs. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my legs around his waist and pull him even closer but the thought of following through on the impulse made my stomach cramp with anxiety.

It wasn't that I didn't want to experience those things with Will. I did. In fact, after taking Dr. Blake's suggestion and masturbating, I had been surprised when I realized just how much I wanted those things. His kisses seemed to set my skin ablaze, and sometimes I wanted to claw my eyes out with frustration when we stayed resolutely at second base.

But I was terrified. I was so scared that the moment I gave the okay that I would become frozen with panic and fear. I knew that if I did, it wouldn't be a pretty sight, and I didn't want to scare Will.

I let out a frustrated sigh, and he pulled back slightly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I kept my eyes focused on the collar of his shirt.

"Hey." He tilted my head up so he could look into my eyes. "I'm more than just a pretty face. Tell me what's going on."

I gave him a small smile and rolled my eyes. "It's really nothing." He stroked my cheekbone with his thumb before pulling back and sitting up.

"Can I ask you a question?"

I stayed laying down."Yeah?"

"You know the night you came over and I made breakfast? We ate, then Cassie went to her friend's?"

I knew exactly what night he was referring to. "Uh huh?"

"Why did you… Y'know, go down on me?"

"Wh- what?"

"When we were on the couch, watching The Office, and you gave me-"

"I know which night you're talking about."

"Why did you do it?"

I wasn't sure where he was going with this. "I don't know. Why does anyone do it? Why do you touch my boobs?"

"Because I want to. Because I want to make you feel good."

"Well… There you go."

"Did you want to?"

I sat up and forced a chuckle. "Where is this even coming from? That was months ago-"

"Did you?"

"Will, it's really not that big of a deal. Just forget it."

"Please answer me." His voice had an unfamiliar quality to it, and when I met his eyes I could see they were filled with hurt.

"Will… It's… I felt bad. I knew it wasn't fair for me to get you all… I don't know, hot and bothered, and then just stop. I didn't want to do that to you, but I couldn't really handle anyone touching me. So I… Yeah."

"So you made yourself suck my dick?"

"Why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not-" he stood up from the bed, "I'm not mad, Jayje. Or shit, maybe I am. I just… I never meant to make you feel like you had to…" He tore a hand through his hair. "I never wanted to pressure you, or hurt you."

"You didn't!"

"Oh yeah? What happened after I drove you home? Tell me the truth."

I couldn't help but drop my gaze to my fingers. "I… Will."

"Just tell me."

"I cried," I admitted in a soft whisper, and he turned away from me. "But it was just… I had never done it before, it was new."

"JJ, people don't usually cry after they give oral for the first time. The first time I went down on a girl, I was over the fucking moon."

"It's not a big deal."

He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed at his eyes before turning to face me. "Yes it is, JJ. It's a big deal, because you basically let me assault you without me knowing. And that's not okay. That's so not okay."

I grabbed his hand. "Will, that's not what I was doing."

"It is a little bit."

I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," I finally offered.

He sighed and laid back down, pulling me so that my head was next to his on the pillow. "You forced yourself to give me head and you're seriously apologizing to me?" He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Promise me that… from now on we'll only go as far as you want to. I will have the bluest balls in the history of mankind, I don't care. I never want you to feel like I'm expecting anything from you."

I let my hand rest on his chest. "Will… I'm at the point now where I do want to." He gave me a skeptical look. "I do. When we kiss… God. I can't even describe it. You take my breath away. And when…" I took a deep breath and willed myself to have courage, "you put your hands here," I brought his hand up to cup me through my shirt and bra, making both of take in a tiny inhale, "it feels amazing." I lifted my hand from his and leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips. "I really do want to do more sometimes. I'm just scared."

He let his hand drift from my breast to my lower back, pulling me closer and wrapping his arms around me. "That's okay. You can be scared. But I'm not just some dude off the street. I'm your boyfriend and I want to take care of you. So just talk to me." He kissed me sweetly on the tip of my nose. "We should probably get back to our homework," he said softly.

I met his lips for another kiss, and he rolled onto his back so that I was laying on top of him. Our kiss deepened and our chemistry books remained at the end of the bed, largely untouched.

Xxx

I stood in the doorway to the kitchen and took a deep breath. My mom and Mark were sitting at the table, watching the news and talking about their days. I took half a step forward.

"Hey Mom?"

"Hey honey. Oh, I'm about to start a load of whites if you want to throw some of your clothes in."

"Thanks. Uh… Can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, of course." She patted Mark's hand and he stood up from the table.

"I'll leave you guys to it." He smiled as he walked past into the living room. I dropped into the chair next to my mom.

"I need help on a school thing."

"Alright, I'll do my best. But if it's algebra you probably should have asked Mark."

"No, it's for history."

"Oh! Well I can try my best. What are you studying?"

"We're talking about like, y'know lineage and bloodlines and stuff, and we have to interview a family member on their childhood. But we also have to do a family tree, going back four generations."

She nodded. "Okay! That's not a problem, your Aunt Sara is a huge ancestry junkie, whatever names I can't remember, I'm sure she has."

"I also need…" I sighed and looked down at the table. "My teacher said it has to be both sides of our family tree."

A look of understanding came into her eyes. "I see." She took a breath. "If I'm being honest, I don't know that I'll be much help, but I'll try."

I grabbed my notebook from my backpack and we began to list out all of the family members. I never knew my grandparents on her side since they both passed away right after Travis was born.

"Grandpa Roy had a heart attack, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah. He was only 52."

"That's so young."

"He was, especially for someone who never smoked or drank a day in his life. But he loved steak, and burgers, and fried catfish. We tried to tell him he needed to eat better, but…" She gave me a sad smile. "We had the funeral on Travis's two month birthday."

"That must have been rough, going through the funeral with Ros and Trav so little."

She nodded. "But it also helped me keep going. I couldn't get bogged down in grief because I had these two tiny creatures to take care of. We'd just opened the heating and air shop. The world kept turning so I kept moving."

"What about Grandma? She died just a few months later, right?" She nodded again. "How did she die?"

"Of a broken heart."

"She had a heart attack, too?"

She folded her arms on top of the table. "No sweetie. She… She killed herself."

I looked at her in horror. "I didn't know that."

She let out a long breath. "Yeah. It was really tough for her after Dad died. Sara was in Georgia, so she couldn't help much, and I tried my best to be there for her but like I said, Ros and Travis were so small, I barely had a spare moment."

I took her hand. "I'm so sorry, Mom."

"It's alright. I felt really guilty about it, for such a long time. But finally I realized that what she wanted more than anything was to have her husband back, and no one could have given her that."

"What about… Dad's mom?" I asked quietly.

She tightened her grip on my hand. "I don't know much about her. Her name was Martha, Martha Jareau. I think she lived in Milwaukee her whole life, she might have even been born there. She's probably still living there."

"Did you ever meet her?"

She shook her head. "No. Jeanie moved to Pittsburgh as soon as she graduated from high school and brought Ron with her. As far as I know they never spoke to her again."

"Did… Did he talk about her? Is what Aunt Jeanette said about her true?"

"Not much but there was one time… You were just a baby, not even a year old. Travis picked up a swear word and he said it in front of your dad. Without even thinking, he reached over and popped him in the mouth. Not too hard, barely enough to send Travis back onto his butt, but they were both completely shocked. I mean, so was I. And your dad went to our room and was crying, he was inconsolable. Kept saying he was sorry, over and over. It finally came out that she hit both of them when they were growing up. She was mean. His dad left when Ron was just a baby, and being a single mom in the 70s was rough. Not that there's any excuse to hit a child. But he said that he wanted to be better than her… That he was going to be the father he had always wanted."

We sat there in silence for a moment, her eyes clouded with memories. "I'm afraid that's all I really know. I have no idea what her maiden name was or what his dad's name was. Maybe Travis has a copy from when he did it? You could copy down the info."

I shook my head. "He probably didn't have to do it. He didn't have Ms. Wallace for history, this is only her second year."

"Oh." She chewed on the inside of her cheek.

"Could… Do you think I could maybe do Mark's family instead?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Is that what you want?"

"He's part of my family too. He told me he sees me as a daughter… Yeah. I would."

She gave me a shaky smile. "I bet he would really like that."

I tapped my pen against my notebook. "Can… Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"How do you… When…" I tried to figure out how to phrase what I needed to know. "Dr. Blake had me make a list of what's okay and not okay to do physically. How will I know when I'm ready to do something new?"

She paused for a second. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

"Like… If I'm standing on second base, how do I know when to move to third?"

Her mouth dropped open slightly and she chuckled. "Well… do you want to?"

"I don't know."

"Well when you think about the next step, is it… exciting? Or scary?"

"Both?" She laughed again and patted my cheek.

"I'm not sure I have an answer for you. It's one of those things you just… know. I'm not sure how to explain it. Something in your stomach just clicks. And you know. But it's not something you have to rush into. There's no race."

I rolled my eyes. "I know that. And it's not that I feel pressured to do more… but I think about it sometimes. Is that okay?"

"What do you mean, is that okay?"

My face flushed. "After everything that's happened… Is it okay that I'm having these feelings?"

She took my hands in hers. "Jen, you can't control how you feel. And no one has the right to feel any which way about your decisions. As long as you are being safe, and you and Will are in complete agreeance, with neither of you feeling pressured about anything, then great! Do what you want to. But also grant yourself some grace. If it takes months for you to get to that place, that's completely fine, too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as you're happy there's no right or wrong. Does that help any at all, or did I make everything more confusing?"

I smiled and stood from the table. "No, you helped." I pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime sweetheart."


	54. Chapter 54

**(Chapter 54! Leave me a review, tell me what you think!)**

Coach Hotchner tried to keep the off season low impact. It was a delicate balance of making sure we didn't lose any of the muscle or stamina we'd developed over the year while also giving our bodies a break in an effort to decrease injuries. This meant we scrimmaged once a week, and spent the rest of our time running agility drills, lifting weights, and running.

I've never minded running. It was an easy way to keep myself in shape and was sometimes exactly what I needed in order to clear my mind. But I was in no way a runner. Like I had told Coach Hotchner the few times he halfheartedly tried to convince me to join the track team, running didn't bring me any happiness.

It was Wednesday, so we were doing 400 sprints. Time and time again, we lined up on the starting mark, rotating through our groups. We would get into our starting positions, muscles tensed to go, and wait for Coach Hotchner's signal.

My group was about to run our third 400. It really wasn't far, just one lap of the track, but my muscles were already burning. As I dropped into position, I wondered if I should consider adding more running to my routine. The shrill whistle blew and we took off. I furiously pumped my arms and concentrated on getting my knees nice and high. I fell into the middle of the pack as we came around the second bend. I leaned into the curve, screwing my eyes up against the wind, when suddenly I felt something drag on my left shoe. I glanced down, wondering what it was, but the next thing I knew, my ankle was twisting below me and I was tumbling towards the track. I put my hands down to catch myself, but this unfortunately did nothing to shield my face from coming into direct contact with the back of Olivia's shoe as she lifted it up.

Pain radiated through my face and I rolled onto my back. I brought my hands up to my nose, where blood was already pouring forth. The other girls in my group crowded around me.

"Oh my god, JJ! I'm so sorry!"

I opened my mouth to try and tell Olivia that it was okay but my nose gave a particularly painful throb. "Fuck!"

"Let me though." My teammates parted so that Coach Hotchner could get to me. He crouched down at my side and placed a hand under my shoulder, bringing me to a sitting position. I was trying desperately to stem the blood flow but the pinching wasn't helping. "What happened?"

"I don't know! I was running, and then my ankle rolled and I went down." He gingerly prodded the bridge of my nose. "Shit!" I cried out before I could stop myself.

"I don't understand, did you face plant into the track?"

"No, I was in front of her and my foot was coming up right as she was coming down," Olivia explained sheepishly.

"Alright let's take you inside." He grabbed my arms and pulled me upright, but when I tried to take my first step on my left foot, the ankle gave way, and I had to grab onto Chloe's shoulder to stay upright.

Coach Hotchner beckoned Baylee forward. "Alright we're going to get her inside, go ahead and set up to scrimmage. Peyton you're in charge. And try to not injure yourselves while I'm gone, okay?" He pulled one of my arms over his shoulder and Baylee did the same, then they slowly helped me hobble into the school.

Once inside the training room, he helped me climb onto the taping table while Baylee ran to get a bucket of ice. My nose was still bleeding, although thankfully not as much. He grabbed me several paper towels.

"I'm not sure you're ever going to get the blood out of your practice grays. We might have to get you a new top." I glanced down. Sure enough, my shirt was now more red than gray. "Alright swing your leg around; let's get a look at your ankle." I did as requested, and he untied my shoe and tried to pull it off as gently as possible.

"Well it's no wonder you fell JJ, look at the state of your shoes!" He held it so I could see. The drag I had felt right before I went down had been the sole coming unattached from the body of my sneaker. He shook it at me and the sole flopped around pathetically. "There's a reason we tell you to replace your shoes every year," he gently chided me.

"I do!" He gave me a look. "Okay, I replace my cleats every year. I didn't realize how worn out they were."

"I'm not letting you back on the field until you get new ones." He pulled off my sock and gently began to examine my ankle. "But no rush on getting them for tomorrow, because I don't think you're gonna be back on your feet anyway. You rolled it pretty good."

"It's not sprained is it?"

"It is, but it's not serious. It hurts through here?" I hissed as he lightly pressed on the instep of my foot.

"Yeah."

"What about through here?" He pressed his thumb into the outside of my foot, and I shook my head.

"You're gonna be fine, just a light sprain." Baylee came in, lugging a bucket of ice behind her. "Let me take another look at your nose now that the bleeding has slowed."

I threw the bloody paper towels in the trash can. He felt along my cheekbones and down the bridge of my nose. "I don't think it's broken." Baylee handed me new paper towels. "And even if it is, there's really not anything to do for it."

"Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better."

He chuckled. "You ready to ice it?" I nodded and he helped get down from the taping table and shuffle to a chair. They pushed the ice bucket in front of me.

"Don't think about it too much. Just drop it in." I took a deep breath and followed Baylee's advice, plunging it into the icy water. It only further compounded the throbbing pain in my ankle and I couldn't help but cry out.

"Gahhhh son of a BITCH!"

"Hey!" Coach Hotchner admonished as Baylee busted out laughing. "None of that!"

"It's- oh god, so cold, so cold!"

"Well its ice, JJ. We'd have a problem if it wasn't cold," he teased.

"You're so not funny," I moaned.

He laughed and clapped me on the back. "I'm going to go back out on the field to check on everyone and so that I don't have to write you up for foul language, but Baylee's going to stay in here with you." He turned over his shoulder to address our manager. "You know the drill. 15 minutes in, 15 minutes out, Keep it elevated when it's out. Wrap it up with a compression bandage before she leaves." He turned back to me. "Keep it wrapped tonight and tomorrow, and most importantly, stay off of it. I'm serious. I want your butt in a chair as much as possible. Got it?"

I held up my hands. "Alright!"

"That goes for the long weekend too. I don't want you running on it until Monday."

"Coach-"

"Monday!"

"Fine," I grumbled. He smiled and left.

Baylee kept an eye on the door. When it finally swung closed she turned to me. "Okay, let it out."

"Holy shit! Son of a-" I threw my head back, letting myself groan in pain as she laughed.

"Well great news you only have…" she consulted her watch, "twelve minutes left." I groaned again. "I'm going to go get your stuff from the locker room. Don't take your foot out while I'm gone."

"I'm not five!" She laughed as she left. I took several deep breaths, trying to ignore the stabbing pain of the ice bath. I couldn't help but wonder if it was something worse than just a sprain. What if I had pulled something? What if something had torn? I pushed the thought away. I was fine. Coach Hotchner said so himself that I would be back on my feet by Monday.

Baylee came back in and handed me my duffel bag and back pack. "I think I grabbed the right clothes but you might want to check." I rooted through my things.

"Yeah, this is right." I pulled out my phone. I sent Will a quick text.

 **Hey, whenever you get out, come to the training room.**

"How's your face?"

I brought a hand to my nose. "Not hurting quite as bad. How does it look?"

She shrugged. "Honestly, it could be a lot worse. It's not too swollen, and it doesn't look like it's going to bruise too much."

I sighed. "This is just great."

"You're gonna be okay."

"I know, I know. It's just… I don't want this to turn into a thing, y'know? I don't want college scouts to be thinking about a bad ankle when considering me."

"They won't as long as you take it easy. Seriously Jayje, just let your body do its thing." She glanced back down at her watch. "Alright, time to take your foot out."

I couldn't help but pout up at her. "But it finally went numb!"

She laughed. "C'mon, putting it off only prolongs the pain."

Xxx

When Will came in thirty minutes later, I was taking my ankle out of the ice for the last time. He started at my bloodied appearance, before giving me a grin.

"Aw man, did you get in another fight and I missed it AGAIN?"

"Ha ha, very funny." I rolled my eyes as he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Seriously though, what happened to you?"

I held up my pathetic shoe. "Twisted my ankle, caught a foot to the face on my way down."

He grimaced. "Shit."

"Yeah."

"I'm just gonna wrap it up and then you can head home," Baylee told me.

"I'll go ahead and take all of our bags to the truck so my arms are free to Prince Charming you out of here."

I smiled. "Okay." He bent over to give me a kiss on the lips, and his nose brushed against mine. "Ah!" I exclaimed, and he pulled back guiltily.

"Sorry!" He grabbed our bags and headed out.

Baylee smiled as she gently wiped my foot with a towel. "You guys are so cute."

I couldn't help but blush. "Thanks."

"How long have you guys been dating?"

I stopped and counted backwards. "Almost six months now, I guess?"

She grinned. "That's so long."

"Yeah… On one hand it feels like we've been together for ages, but also like we just started dating. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I can see that." She grabbed a bandage from the kit and began to wrap it snugly around my ankle. Will came back in right as she tucked the end. "Alright, you're good to go. Keep it elevated, and once the swelling goes down you can use a heat pack."

I shakily stood up, keeping all of my weight on my right foot. Will held his arms out. "Your chariot awaits!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're not carrying me out of this school."

I tried to take a step but immediately had to grab onto the back of the chair.

"Well you're not walking out of here on your own." He came around to my side and pulled my arm over his shoulder, wrapping his around my waist. "Lean into me when you walk on that side." We tried it, and even though it still made me grit my teeth with pain, it would work.

"Bye Baylee, see you tomorrow."

Xxx

Once we were at my house, Will insisted on carrying me in. He scooped me up and carried me across the front yard as if I didn't weigh anything. Once we got to the door however, he came to a stop, trying to figure out a way to get it open without putting me down. Thankfully, after a few moments it swung open on its own. Mark's face immediately became concerned as he took us in.

"I'm fine," I insisted. He stepped back and made room for Will to bring me inside. He settled me on the couch and I explained everything that happened as Will went back out to grab my bags. "Would you mind grabbing me a tee shirt from the laundry room? This one's… done for."

"Sure thing." Mark turned and left the room. Will sat on the arm of the couch.

"Do you have any plans for Friday?"

I shrugged. "Not really. It'll really depend on if my foot's feeling better."

"Well, if you're feeling up to it, I could drive you to Erie to get new running shoes since yours are obviously out of commission."

I smiled. "That would be great." Mark came back in and handed me the shirt. "Hey is it okay if I go to Erie with Will on Friday? Coach Hotchner won't let me back onto the field until I have new shoes."

"After school?"

I shook my head. "We don't have class, it's Good Friday."

He brought his hand to his forehead. "Of course, that's right. Yeah, that should be fine."

"Great." I stared at both of them for a moment. "Uh… Do you mind?" I gestured with the shirt.

They both started and then laughed. "I should head home, anyway." Will gave me a kiss on the cheek, being careful to avoid my nose. "I'll see you tomorrow." Mark stepped back into the kitchen and I swapped out my bloody practice top.

"Alright you can come back!" I called as I propped my ankle up on several pillows.

"I take it you're probably sleeping down here tonight?"

"Yeah. I don't think I can make it up the stairs."

"Well you know what? I think taking a foot to the face deserves take out. Do you want pizza or Chinese?"

I thought it over. "Chinese."

"Same as usual?"

"Yup. Pork dumplings with a side of fried rice, please."

"Coming right up!"

"You're the best!" I called as he walked back to the kitchen.

I sighed as I gazed at my wrapped up foot. There was nothing to do but rest and wait for it to heal.


	55. Chapter 55

**(Hey! Here's chapter 55! Please be advised, this chapter contains sexual content. I hope you enjoy!)**

Will and I were holding hands over the console, singing along to the radio. My ankle was thankfully feeling much better, and we had been able to go to the mall for my shoes, then take in a movie. I turned to look out at the soggy Pennsylvania countryside as he drove us home. The late March sun was trying to break through, but it was no match for the sky full of rain clouds.

I flipped down the mirror and prodded tenderly at my nose. I was lucky that it hadn't bruised very badly, and I had been able to cover it up with makeup. The swelling however, hadn't gone down fully. As I stopped focusing on my nose, something in my reflection made me pause. Something was different. I checked over each feature: eyebrows, cheekbones, mouth, chin. Nothing seemed to be any out of the ordinary. Then I let myself look deep into my own eyes and realized what it was.

A sense of calm resided there, one that I could barely remember. My stomach didn't hurt; my chest didn't feel unable to pull in a deep breath. No ugliness crowded in my throat, just on the tip of my tongue. For so long, it felt like nothing would ever be okay again. But slowly, life had righted itself, and I had survived.

"What are you lookin' at?" Will asked.

"My nose. It's still so swollen."

He chuckled. "It's really not that bad, JJ. You keep talking about how awful it looks, but as someone who spends a lot of time looking at your face, trust me when I say it's barely noticeable," he replied, bringing my hand to his lips and giving it a kiss. I turned to look at him and smiled. Any other boy would have run screaming in the other direction but for some reason Will had stuck around. He had been caring and patient and sensitive, never having asked anything in return. What had I done to deserve someone like him?

"Hey…" My stomach was suddenly full of butterflies, nervous in a way I hadn't felt since the very beginning days of our relationship. "I love you." I said.

We had never said the words to each other before, and his eyebrows raised. For one terrifying second I didn't think he was going to say it back, but then his look of shock softened into a tender smile.

"I love you too, Jayje."

My entire body seemed filled with indescribable warmth. "Good." I squeezed his hand a little harder and he did the same. We drove the rest of the way to his house in a silence that neither one of us needed to fill.

When we got to my house, I found a note on the fridge saying that Mom was having dinner with a prospective client and that Mark had gone to Cleveland to help Lindsey out with a burst pipe.

"Well, I guess that means I'm having Cheetos for dinner." I mused to Will.

"You are not eating Cheetos for dinner. I'll make you something." He began to poke through our fridge.

I laughed and climbed up on the counter. "You don't have to cook for me, I'll just order a pizza or something."

"I swear to god, JJ, I don't know how it's possible for someone to eat garbage all the time and still look like a Victoria's Secret model."

"A Victor- okay, let's take it down a notch with the flattery. I don't look like an Angel."

He gave me a grin as he walked by me to check the pantry. "Really? 'Cause you're my angel."

I laughed and caught his am and pulled him to me. "You're too much." I mumbled, catching his lips in a kiss.

"That doesn't mean I'm not right." He said pulling back.

"Do you want to argue with me or kiss me?"

"Can I do both?" he asked before pressing a kiss onto my jaw. I giggled and pulled his mouth back to mine. The kiss began to build in intensity until we were panting into each others mouths. My hands were fisted in his tee shirt and he was holding onto me like he was afraid I would float away. I rested my forehead on his and looked in his eyes. All of the love I had felt in the truck came rushing back, and suddenly, just like Mom said it would, something inside me clicked. I knew what I wanted. I wasn't scared. I was nervous, but in the best way possible. I placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed him gently back, before sliding from the counter, being careful with my ankle.

"Come here," I whispered. I took his hand and led him up the stairs. When we got to my room, instead of turning on the overhead light I felt my way across my room in the dark and flicked on my desk lamp then turned it face the wall, softening its light. I came back and pulled him inside, shutting the door behind him. He took a seat on the edge of my bed.

"What's up?" he asked quietly.

"I want…" I swallowed thickly, my throat suddenly dry. "I want to have sex with you."

Outside, the rain seemed to intensify, droplets splattering against the windows. He looked at me with wide eyes. "JJ, I don't know… Are you sure? We definitely don't-"

"Will. I'm sure."

He nodded, seemingly lost for words.

I sat down next to him. "So… do we just get undressed, or-"

He chuckled, cupping my jaw. "Breathe JJ. It's okay. Let's just… start slow."

I laughed too. "Yeah. Slow." He leaned in and kissed me, and I let myself get lost in his scent. When my hands found their way into his hair, he gently lowered us so that we were lying on my bed alongside each other. I grabbed the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head and throwing it onto the floor. Will did the same. As we resumed kissing, Will's hands gently cupped me through my bra, then slowly brought them to the clasp.

"Is this okay?" he asked, his fingers stalling.

I took a deep breath. "Yeah. You can take it off." He unfastened the clasp and slid the straps down my shoulders. It was added to the pile of clothing on the ground. I shifted underneath him for a moment, insecure; no one had ever seen me completely topless other than my father. I violently shoved the thought from my mind. I wouldn't let him ruin this.

"The second you're uncomfortable, let me know, okay? I'm serious, Jayje. I'll stop, but you have to tell me."

I nodded. "I'm okay. I trust you." He leaned down and recaptured my lips before bringing his hands back to my bare chest. I let my head fall back as I leaned into the sensation. He pressed kisses down my throat, stopping once he got to my collarbone.

"Still okay?" he asked.

"Will, just… I'm fine. Don't stop." He obliged my request and continued further down and I couldn't stop the sigh he pulled from my body.

He kissed me on the lips again and I let my hands rest gently on his belt. "Are we really doing this?" I asked in a moment of uncertainty.

"Only if you want to," he reassured me. I took a deep breath and unbuckled it, pulling the entire belt free. I unfastened his pants and he helped me push them down. He did a funny little kick to get them past his feet and I began to giggle. "Listen, there's no sexy way to get undressed, no matter what it looks like in the movies," he told me with a mock serious face.

"I think everything you do is sexy," I assured him. He hooked a finger into either side of my leggings and pulled them slowly down my legs. Once they joined the rest of our clothing on the floor, he gently skimmed his nose up the inside of my leg, stopping when he came level with my underwear.

"I wish I would have known that we were going to- I would have worn cuter panties." I blurted out.

He looked up at me with a sheepish smile. "Don't take this the wrong way Jayje, but the cuteness of your underwear is the last thing on my mind." He slowly pulled them down as well. He settled between my thighs and I stared at the ceiling, completely unsure of what to expect. But then his mouth was on me and all reasonable thought seemed to leave me. After several minutes, one hand was clutching the blanket beneath my head and the other was in his hair.

"Will, I… Shit… God." I cried out.

The grin on his face as he came level with me again was almost unbearable.

"That good, huh?"

I smacked his arm. "There's no need to be so smug."

He brushed my hair from my face. "Are you really sure?"

"I'm positive."

He left the bed to retrieve a condom from his jeans and I shifted so that my head was on my pillow. When he came back, he was completely naked and had already rolled the condom on. With a gentle hand, he moved my knee so he could settle between my legs.

We both took a deep breath. "I'm okay." I assured him.

He nodded. "This… It might hurt. Or it might not, I don't really-"

I pressed a kiss to his lips. "Don't freak out. Everything is okay."

He nodded again. "Right." He began to push slowly in, and I couldn't help but stiffen up below him. "You… you've gotta relax, babe."

I took another breath and willed my body to get its shit together. As my legs slowly eased open, he came further into me, until he was fully against me. He gave me a moment to adjust then slowly began to move his hips.

My eyes instinctively closed. I wrapped my hands around his biceps. I could feel his body pressing down on top of me. Suddenly, just as I had feared it would, the room seemed to shrink in size. My breath began to speed up. Tears filled my eyes and tried my best to keep everything inside.

"JJ… Jayje look at me." I opened my eyes and the tears leaked down my face. He froze in his tracks. "Do I need to stop? I can-" he began to pull away from me but I tightened my grip on his arms.

"No! Just… I want this okay? I need you to know that I have never wanted something so badly in my life, and I will not let it be taken from me, okay? I just need a second. Alright?"

"Okay." He stayed perfectly still as I lay beneath him, trying to stem the tears. After several minutes, the panic began to recede.

"Okay, I think… I'm okay. Alright."

He dropped down so that his forearms were on either side of my head. He pressed a kiss to my temple. "I have an idea." He took me in his arms and rolled us so that I was on top. I sat up and rested my hand on his chest. "Is this better? You… You're completely in control."

A wave of adoration washed over me. "Let's see." I whispered. I tentatively rose up then came back down, not missing his sharp inhale of air, or the way his eyes hungrily roamed my chest as I moved.

"Who knew that all of Coach Hotchner's wall sits would be so handy," he said in a casual voice, and I burst out laughing.

"Can we not talk about Coach Hotchner while we have sex?" I pleaded.

"Would you rather we talk about Coach Cruz?"

"You are so lucky I love you."

"But you do." He pulled me down for a searing kiss as our bodies met with a building intensity.

I could sense his body beginning to tense underneath me. "Tell me what you need," he breathed.

"I just… Here." I brought his hand to where our bodies met. "Here."

Moments later, or maybe it was hours later, it felt like every fiber of my being was singing out, to the point where I couldn't move or think or breath. He brought his hips up a few more times, and followed me over the edge.

I rolled over and came to lie beside him. He pulled me so that my head was resting beneath his chin. I felt like every muscle in my body had been replaced with tissue paper.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly, playing with my hair.

I took a minute to check in with myself. "I… I am, actually. I'm okay."

Xxx

When my mom got home a few hours later, we had redressed and were parked in front of the TV with the pizza Will had been so adamant about me not eating.

"How was dinner?" I asked.

She fished one of my uneaten crusts out of the box. "It was alright. They wanted to eat this hoity toity French restaurant. The portions were tiny. And their bread sticks had nothing on Domino's," she reported, heading back to her room.

Will shook his head. "You two are so alike it's almost scary." He pressed a kiss to my cheek. "I'm gonna head home. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Bye Sandy!" he called.

She came and poked her head around the doorway, taking off her earrings. "Bye Will. Drive safe." He let himself out the front door.

"Come show me your new shoes! I've got to get out of these pantyhose."

I retrieved the largely forgotten shoes from the dining room and brought them into her room. I opened the box and showed her inside.

"Oh how cute! I like the lime green accents."

"Yeah, I like them."

"Will you get my zip, please?"

I unzipped her dress and then took a seat on the edge of her bed. She removed her pantyhose and pulled on her nightgown. She then took a seat at her vanity, beginning to remove her makeup.

"How are the nose and ankle?"

"They're was alright." I watched her begin her nighttime routine. "Hey Mom?"

"Yeah honey?"

"Will and I had sex." She froze in place. She stared at me with wide eyes through the mirror.

"You… You did?"

"Yeah."

She resumed dabbing her face with cream, but I could see it was because she was forcing herself to be casual. "Okay. How… how was that?"

I nodded at her, a little lost for words. "It was fine."

She turned on her stool to face me. "Just fine?"

"No, I mean it, it was great, I didn't mean…Yeah."

"Were you safe? Did he…?"

"Condom, yeah."

Her eyes searched my face. "Okay."

Suddenly, my eyes were welling up and tears began to spill down my cheeks.

"Oh honey." She joined me on the bed and wrapped me in her arms.

"No Mom, it was good."

"I didn't say it wasn't."

I took a shuddering breath. "I just…" I trailed off, not sure if I wanted to continue the thought.

"What?"

"Will was so sweet to me. I mean, it was my idea and he made sure I was absolutely certain I wanted to do it, and he… he…"

"It's okay, take your time." She rubbed my back.

"It felt so good. And I could feel how much he loved me. And I just… I never knew it could feel like that."

I felt her shaky inhale as what I was trying to say finally sank in.

"Oh JJ. My sweet girl." She pulled me back she could look in my eyes. "That's exactly what it's supposed to be like." Her voice was raw and she smiled to try to keep her tears at bay. "It's supposed to be soft and tender, an act of love."

"I know, I just… I wasn't ready for all of the feelings." I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand.

"I know baby. No one ever is. And you especially… after everything you've been through, I'm sure it's multiplied even further." She rubbed my back. "Did I ever tell you about my first time?"

I shook my head uncertainly. "No… I had just assumed it was with…"

"No, it wasn't." She took a moment. "It was my high school boyfriend. His name was Peter Wright, and I was head over heels in love with him. His mother played bridge with mine, his dad was the superintendent. I was pretty sure we were going to get married." I must have had a funny look on her face because she rolled her eyes and smiled. "I know, it sounds dumb, but keep in mind this was the early nineties. It wasn't uncommon to marry your high school sweetheart. So that's what I was really planning on, and the summer after we graduated a whole group of us took a trip to Jennings Beach. We stayed out in the sun all day, and then built up a bonfire after dark. Well, Peter and I snuck away into his red Buick Riviera. He put the top down and I lost my virginity, right there in the back seat."

"Wasn't that uncomfortable?"

"Oh absolutely. No back seat is really made for sex, but especially not a convertible." We both laughed.

"What happened to Peter?"

She shrugged. "Oh I don't know. We split up at the end of the summer. He was going to Yale, I was going to Trinity. I didn't see or hear from him again until our ten year reunion. He was still pretty cute, but oddly wasn't married. Then I went back for my twenty year, and he was fat and balding and an alcoholic. So I think we can all agree that I won," she said with a joking smile

"Have you ever regretted it?" I asked after a moment.

She took a moment to really ponder it. "No. I haven't, and I'll tell you why: just because we weren't soul mates and weren't destined to ride off into the sunset doesn't mean that the connection we had was any less special. I cared about him, and I think he really cared about me as well."

She took my hands in hers. "Sex is beautiful. And powerful and amazing and awkward and weird, and a whole slew of adjectives I can't think of off the top of my head. But more than anything else, it should be about a connection with the other person. And I know-" her eyes got a little bit brighter so she paused to clear her throat, "I know that was taken from you. And I am so sorry, Jen. But, I will say that I'm happy you wanted to and that you felt like you could trust Will with this. But more than anything, I'm so glad that you feel like you can talk about it with me. I'm always here for you."

"I know, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, sweet girl." I hugged her tight around the neck.

When we pulled back she rubbed her hand son her legs. "So, I'll need to make an appointment with a gynecologist, then? You'll want to go on birth control?"

I stood up and walked to her door. "Yeah. I think that's for the best."

"Oh, and JJ?"

"Yeah, Mom?"

"...it was great?"

My cheeks flushed pink. "Yeah. It really was."


	56. Chapter 56

**(Oh my gosh guys. I don't know what's up with me! I am having the hardest time focusing on this story! I think it's because I know that there's only probably about 5 chapters left so I'm having a hard time narrowing it down to the essentials. But anywho, here's chapter 56. I'm sorry it took so long.)**

The next day, Will came over so I could help him study for an upcoming Chemistry test. We went over the answers, again and again, trying to figure out how to get them to stick in his head. It made me realize how lucky I was that school had always come so easy for me. After our second hour he let his head fall forward to bang on the table.

"I give up! I'm too dumb for this."

I rubbed his back. "No you're not. You're not dumb."

"I'm never going to pass this test. I'm going to spend the rest of my life retaking chemistry, over and over again until I die or drop out of high school.

I couldn't help but laugh. "You are being so dramatic. You're gonna pass. You know all of this material; you just second guess it and then end up psyching yourself out."

He turned his head so he could look at me. "Why do I even need to know this? Will not knowing the atomic number for Nitrogen really affect my life?"

"I mean… Probably not. But you failing this test will get you grounded and that will affect whether or not you get to see me."

"Great. Even more pressure." He lifted up his head and kissed me on the lips. "Hey… We haven't really talked about… You know."

I smiled. "Yeah? What about it?"

"Are you okay? I just wanted to make sure you weren't… I don't know. I don't want you to be freaked out. I want to make sure that we're okay."

I took his hand. "I… Yeah. We're okay."

He grinned and squeezed my hand. "I'm glad. Because I love you. And also it's a little late to find a new Chemistry tutor."

I laughed. "Oh is that all I'm good for?"

Mark grinned at us as he passed through the dining room. "Aren't you two supposed to be studying?"

"We are, just taking a little break." I assured him.

"Will, are you staying for dinner?"

"Well I don't know if Will is staying, but I'm going to Penelope's, remember? We're having a movie night?" I turned to Will. "I accidentally told her I didn't like musicals, so now she's making me watch all of them until I find one I like."

He grimaced. "That sounds… fun."

Mark chuckled. "Well, if you want to stay and hang out with me and the old lady, you can."

"Excuse me?!" Mom called from the living room.

"Nothing dear! I said you look radiant today!" Will and I laughed as he exited to the kitchen.

X

I knew I would end up telling Dr. Blake about Will and I having sex during my Monday afternoon appointment, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I was trying to plan out how to say it as I knocked on her door. She opened it with a smile.

"I had sex with Will," I blurted out.

Her eyebrows shot up. "Good afternoon, JJ."

"Sorry. Hi. I didn't mean to shout that at you."

She laughed as she stepped back to let me in. "No, it's… That's obviously the most pressing thing on your mind. Why don't you have a seat?"

I did as she said, dropping my backpack at my feet. I took in a deep breath as she settled herself in her chair. "So… How was it?"

I sat, frozen for a moment. "It was… Good."

"Good?"

"Good."

"Would you care to expand on that any?"

I laughed slightly. "Well, last Wednesday I tore up my shoes during off season. So since we were off for Good Friday, Will offered to take me to get new ones…" I finished recounting the whole experience.

"How did it feel emotionally at the time?"

"There was a moment when I got really panicky. Everything seemed like it was pressing in on me. But… We got through it."

"I see. And how do you feel now?"

"I feel okay. I mean, I don't really feel any different. Should I?"

She shrugged. "Not necessarily. Who all have you told?"

"My mom. I told her the night it happened."

"And what was her reaction?"

"She was cool about it. Made sure I was okay. She's going to get me a doctor's appointment for birth control." I picked at the skin on my thumb. "I'm lucky to have her."

"What makes you say that?"

I paused for a second. "I… I don't know. She's just been so supportive of me this year, even when I've been a complete jerk. And she could have been one of those crazy moms who got mad at me for having sex. I… I couldn't have gotten through this year without her."

"Have you told her that?"

I sighed. "Probably not as much as I should have."

She nodded, tapping her pen against the desk. "Maybe that's a conversation you need to have."

"Yeah… Probably."

"But you're going to go on the pill? So you think you guys will have sex again?"

I blushed a bit. "Yeah. We will."

She just smiled. "Well good for you. I think it says a lot about your recovery that you've made this step. Did you tell anyone else?"

"I called Kate and told her. And I told Pen Saturday night."

"How did they react?"

"There was lots of excited screaming."

She laughed. "Well there you go." She shuffled through her papers for a moment. "So… today is your fifth PE session. Do you feel like it's helping with the PTSD symptoms?"

I nodded. "I don't have as many nightmares. I'm not as numb or angry. I mean, I was able to have sex, so that definitely says something."

"Indeed it does." She took a sip from her mug. "So… Last time we met, we circled back to the party you attended, the one where you and Will kissed for the first time, and the abuse that occurred afterwards." I nodded. "Are there any instances that are sticking out in your mind today?"

I shrugged. "Well… I guess the next weekend I was there."

"What about it sticks out?"

"A few days after the party I got in a fight with a girl at school."

She looked up in surprise. "Oh? That's not like you."

"I know. She saw the marks on my neck and assumed I had gotten them from Will. So she was giving me lots of crap about it, not knowing what had happened, and I lost it. I tackled her. And I got in lots of trouble with the school and with my mom. I was benched and grounded. But the next time I was at my dad's, he said something about it, and how my mom had told him. I don't know it just… In that moment it felt like he and my mom were united together… I don't know if he meant to, but it felt like he was telling me that no one would believe me. And then that night… Well."

"Well, I think we should probably stick with that, yeah?" I nodded and grabbed my water bottle from my backpack. "Alright. When you're ready."

X

That night, I was loading the dishwasher when my mom came into the kitchen. "Thanks for doing the dishes, honey."

"No problem."

"Oh also I called Dr. Rockwell, we got you scheduled- Oh wait just a second." She typed out a quick email on her phone before looking up at me and moving her glasses on top of her head. "Sorry. We've got a new listing on the South side. A true eyesore, complete with wood paneling and shag carpets. The owners are insisting that they want to sell as is with no improvements but they want to list it with a fully renovated price tag. Anyway, I got you in to see Dr. Rockwell so you can chat about birth control. It's for next Wednesday, the 11th. I'll schedule it with Tanya so that I can take you. I'll pick you up after school. It's all the way in Erie, so we'll probably go out for dinner afterwards. Oh we could try that New Mexican restaurant over on 12th. Apparently they have burritos the size of your head."

"Yeah that sounds great." I close the dishwasher and pressed start. "Hey mom?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

I leaned across the counter and grabbed one of her hands. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Oh no problem, Jayje. We're just lucky she had an opening so soon."

"No, I mean… For everything. For the doctor's appointment, for being so understanding about me having sex. For everything you've done for me over this year. I know sometimes I've been kind of unbearable to be around, but you've been right beside me through it all. And I honestly don't know if I could have made it this far without you. So thank you."

Her eyes seemed a little brighter than normal as she came around the corner and put her hands on my shoulders. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it is. That's why I'm saying thank you."

"Well it's unnecessary, but you're welcome. I'm here for you Jen, no matter what happens. All of the amazing, crazy things that are sure to come your way, just remember that I'm always going to be in your corner." She pulled me in for a hug. "I love you so much, JJ. More than you could possibly know."

"I love you too, Mom."


	57. Chapter 57

**(Chapter 57! Please be advised, there is some sexual content in the middle of this chapter. Also, some very shitty poetry at the end lol)**

"Now I know we've spent most of the semester concentrated on great American novels, but today we're going to delve into our final unit on poetry." Ms. Prentiss turned and wrote 'Why is poetry important?' on the board. "What comes to mind when you think of poetry?"

"Valentine's Day," someone supplied from the back of the class.

"Old fashioned," Allison added.

"What makes you say that?" asked Ms. Prentiss.

"Well… It's not something we really use anymore. I mean poetry is something they wrote back in the 1800s."

"Not necessarily." Her eyes scanned the classroom before falling on one of the boys in the third row. "Anthony, can you name a great modern day poet?"

"Not… really."

"What about Jay-Z? What about the Notorious B.I.G?"

A few of my classmates began to laugh. "Miss, they're not poets, they're rappers."

"Well what's the difference?"

He looked at the rest of us for support. "They just… Rap is set to music. And it's about important things."

"Like what? Getting drunk and hooking up with girls?"

He laughed. "Well… yeah. But also about, like, the struggle of living."

"So rappers deal with stuff like feeling trapped, feeling like no one is listening, like you're unimportant?"

"Yeah."

"So would this be rap: 'But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams, His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream, His wings are clipped and his feet are tied, So he opens his throat to sing. The caged bird sings with, A fearful trill of things unknown, But longed for still and his, Tune is heard on the distant hill, for the caged bird sings of freedom.'"

"I mean… you're not very good, but sure."

Ms. Prentiss laughed along with us. "That's fair, I suck as a rapper. But that was actually the last two stanzas of 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,' a poem written in 1983 by Dr. Maya Angelou. But it's still dealing with issues that are relevant to us today. Your assignment for tonight is to go home and do some research. I want you to find two poems, written at any point throughout history and then find a song or rap that was written within the last few decades that echoes the sentiment of each piece. We'll discuss them in class tomorrow and Friday. Now just a heads up, your assignment for this weekend is to take a crack at writing your own poem. So if that sounds like something you're going to have a hard time with… Maybe start thinking about it now. Any questions?"

Penelope raised her hand. "What if our song has curse words in it?"

Ms. Prentiss nodded. "That's a great question. For this assignment, I'm more than willing to overlook some unsavory language. But when we discuss them in class, you will have to censor it a bit as you present it to us. This isn't an excuse to be dropping F bombs left and right. Anything else?" No one raised their hand, and the bell rang a few moments later. "Alright, have a good day, guys."

We stood up and gathered our things. "Hey so are you coming over again on Saturday? I was thinking we would watch The Last Five Years with Anna Kendrick, and then the movie version of Chicago, with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Renee Zellweger."

"As fun as that sounds, Will and I are actually going out this Saturday."

She bumped her hip into mine. "Ooh! What are you going to do?"

"No idea, actually. He's being really secretive about it. He just said he was going to pick me up at 9:30."

"That's so late."

"I know. It's weird, right?"

"Well whatever happens, text me on Sunday and we can hang out."

"Alright, it sounds like a plan."

X

"Where in the world are you taking me?"

"We're nearly there."

"Where is there? Murderers r us?" Will had been driving through the darkened Pennsylvania countryside for nearly twenty minutes. What was there to do this far from town?

Will made another turn and the road beneath us became bumpy. "Is there going to be food involved?"

He laughed. "You think I don't know you well enough to include food in our plans?"

My cheeks reddened slightly as I smiled back. "I was just checking."

The truck slowed to a stop and he turned off the engine before hopping out and opening my door for me. "Watch your step. The ground's a little uneven."

"Great, just what I need. A chance to resprain my ankle."

"Take my hand." I did as instructed, his warm palm comforting against mine as we picked our way through the uneven terrain. Something huge and pitch black loomed ahead of us and Will felt around for a second before pulling open a door and ushering me inside.

The air was musty and warm. It smelt like old wood and leather. "Are we at a stable?"

"Close." He fumbled with something in his hand and suddenly a flashlight's beam swept around, revealing old work benches and stalls. "We're in my grandparents' old horse barn."

I walked towards a barrel with a worn saddle slung across it. The old leather was still smooth as silk beneath my hand. "I didn't know Miss Norma had horses."

He led me to one of the walls, shining his light along the framed newspaper clippings still proudly hanging. "My grandad raised horses before he passed. One of my aunts was a champion barrel racer."

"I had no idea."

"Here; I have something to show you." He led me up a creaky wooden staircase.

"Are you sure this thing is safe?" I asked, keeping a firm grasp on the railing.

"If it can hold me, I think you're fine." We got to the top and I could see where a quilt had been spread out along with a picnic basket.

"Oh Will... This is beautiful."

"It's not done yet. Come here." He positioned me in a specific spot then covered my eyes. I heard a click.

"Alright." He took away his hands to reveal that we were in front of the barn's Loft window. Outside on the grass, Will had strung together Christmas lights to spell out 'Prom?' My eyes welled up with tears at how overwhelmingly perfect it was.

"What do you say?"

I turned to find him smiling handsomely down at me. "I would love to go to Prom with you." I stretched up on my toes and kissed him. "I love you."

"I love you too, Jayje." He led me to the quilt and gestured for me to sit down. Once I had, he flopped down onto his back pulled me so that I was lying with my head on his shoulder. Up above us, there was a hole cut into the roof of the barn, giving us a spectacular view of the stars.

"Oh my god."

"I know. Do you see that really bright star? That one right there?" I tried to follow where he was pointing.

"Yes?"

"That's part of the constellation Draculis Scaritum."

"You just made that up."

"What? I most certainly did not!"

"Okay so what's another one?"

"Hmm. Okay that cluster, a little east of Draculis is... Canis Labradoodle."

I burst out laughing and gave him a smack on the chest. "You are too much!" He grinned and tucked my hair behind my ear.

I shifted higher so that my mouth was level with his and leaned in for a kiss. At first it was delicate and light, our lips ghosting against each other's. Then my hands were in his hair, tugging him closer, breathing him in as if he were air.

Piece by piece our clothing was shed, until we were down to bare skin. He retrieved a condom from his wallet then just like the first time, rolled so that I was on top. Our fingers intertwined and I let my head tilt back as I lifted up and down. Millions of stars shone down on us, making an already perfect moment even more magical.

I dropped my gaze back to Will's face and he smiled up at me. I tugged him upwards until he was sitting up with me still cradled in his lap. I clutched at his shoulders. He used one hand to help me establish a rhythm and the other ran through my hair, pulling my face closer until we met for another heated kiss.

Eventually the hand on my hip found its way between my legs, rubbing slow circles until I began to shake apart around him. Soft gasps left my mouth, my nails digging into the skin of his shoulders as I found my way back to earth. He bucked a few more times then came inside me with a low groan. He slowly sat back, pulling me with him so that I was lying on his chest. I turned my head to one side, listening to the steady thump of his heart inside of his chest.

Before I could fully realize what was happening, silent tears were falling down my cheeks.

"Wait, what- What's wrong?" I lifted up slightly, shaking my head as I wiped at my eyes. "Jayje talk to me, what's up?"

I leaned down and kissed him gently. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Everything is perfect."

X

That night, after he dropped me off at my house, I found myself staring at my computer screen with a small smile. Part of me could still feel Will's fingers ghosting over my skin, his lips against mine. It seemed impossible that I had gotten to this place. If someone had tried to tell me how happy I would eventually by back when school started, I never would have believed them. For so long, it felt like things would never get better. But they had. Slowly but surely, I felt like I was back on even ground. I opened a word document and began to work on my English assignment.

 _This morning rainclouds covered the skies,_

 _Not a ray of sunshine in sight._

 _Everywhere I looked was bathed in gray,_

 _Nothing seemed like it was worth the fight._

 _I was just one person, all alone,_

 _Unable to change my fate._

 _All of my happiness was locked away_

 _Replaced with sadness, fear, and hate._

 _I thought I was lost and all alone,_

 _Tears had cut off my view._

 _But a strange thing happened this afternoon_

 _And the gray skies changed to blue._

 _I realize now I was never alone,_

 _I have so many loved ones at my side._

 _They're here to help me conquer the rain_

 _When all I want to do is hide._

 _They're still right here beside me,_

 _As I look out upon this starlit night,_

 _And warm hands wipe my tears away,_

 _Telling me everything will be alright._

 _I'm lucky I had them to depend on_

 _When life seemed hopeless and hard._

 _For if I had left when the morning was gray,_

 _I surely would have missed these stars._


	58. Chapter 58

**(Hello! Look who's back! Guys. You will never believ what all has happened to me since I last posted. I met fellow fanfic author and my fave Aussie AndreeaRaducan in person and showed her around my city! Then I opened and closed a play called The Women, graduated from Acting school, and hopped a plan for Kansas, where I will be for the next month and a half! Oh! Also I booked my first professional acting gig!**

 **Anyway, here's Chap 58, I hope you enjoy!)**

I pulled my shirt back over my head turned to put my workout top back in my gym bag. I found Elle standing a few feet away, staring at me.

"What's up?" While Elle and I were on much better terms than we had been in the past, I was still always slightly wary of her.

"I'm having a party at my house this weekend. You should come and bring Will."

I gave her an uneasy smile. "Yeah, parties really aren't my thing."

"JJ we're about to be seniors, and more importantly, you've had a clusterfuck of a year. You deserve to cut loose. Even if you don't drink, you should come. Hang out, drink a soda. Makeout with your boyfriend."

I snorted. "Maybe. Friday?"

"Saturday. 8 o'clock."

"Alright."

"Alright." She leaned against the lockers, watching me shrewdly as I finished getting dressed. "So have you fucked him?" I could feel my cheeks begin to burn as I tried to stutter out an answer. She merely grinned. "And was it any good?"

"It… um." My mouth suddenly seemed really dry.

"Mm hm. The look on your face says it all." She started to walk back to her locker then turned back. "He seems like a decent guy. But if he ever gives you any problems just say the world and I'll cut the brakes on his car."

I couldn't smother my laughter. "Thanks, Elle. I'll keep that in mind."

X

My leg wouldn't stop bouncing as we sat in the living room. My mom placed a hand on my knee.

"Everything will be okay."

"I know."

"Are you sure? Because you seem pretty nervous."

"Yeah, I just…" I cleared my throat. I had already been anxious about this, but then on my intake paperwork it had asked how many sexual partners I'd had. I wanted to write one, as far as I was concerned Will was the only person I had actually had sex with, but I knew that medically that wasn't factual. So I had marked down two and hurriedly filled out the rest of the page before my mom could see it. It had made my entire body even tenser than before. "I've heard it can hurt. A lot," I mumbled.

"Oh. Well… Sometimes."

"Did yours?"

"Well, in the nineties you didn't really get pap smears until after you got married. And I was already pregnant with Ros by then, so there was no need. So I was older and had already given birth by the time I had mine."

"Oh. Well maybe I should have just gone that route."

She rolled her eyes and gave me a playful shove. "Don't even kid about that."

"Jennifer?" We stood up and followed her back. The nurse took my height and weight, along with my temperature and blood pressure. She handed me a gown to change into and left the room.

Once I had it on, I stepped out of the curtained cubicle.

"Oh how chic!" my mom teased.

I stroke a pose with one arm, my other hand keeping the gown closed in the back. "I'm pretty!"

She began to laugh. "All you need is the red lipstick. Hey speaking of, wanna go dress shopping on Saturday?"

"Sure! Also, Elle invited me to a party she's having that night."

"Oh really?"

The door opened and the doctor bustled in. "Hello! You must be Jennifer, I'm Dr. Rockwell. What brings us in today?"

"Uh, well… I need to go on the pill."

"I see." She flipped open my file. "I see you're currently sexually active. Are you using contraceptives?"

I nodded. "Condoms."

"Are you planning to continue using condoms?"

"Yeah. I just figured… two is better than one I guess."

She smiled. "Better safe than sorry." She glanced back down at my file. "And your previous partner?" I saw my mom freeze out of the corner of my eye and the ache returned to my stomach.

"What?"

"Did your previous partner use condoms?"

"I… No."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Jennifer that's very risky. You could have caught an STI or gotten pregnant. Have you had a pregnancy test performed?"

"No, there… he can't. Have kids."

Dr. Rockwell cleared her throat slightly. "Unfortunately, that's often not true. Teen boys have been known to say all kinds of things to get out of wearing-"

"He had a vasectomy just after she was born. When I called to make this appointment I very clearly asked for a note to be made on her file," my mom snapped.

Dr. Rockway furrowed her eyebrows and shuffled through her papers, before pulling out a sticky note that had been moved to the back. The blood drained from her face as she read it. When she finally looked at me, her eyes were full of pity and shame. "I… I understand. I deeply, deeply apologize. The receptionist should have handed it directly to the intake nurse. I… I'm sorry."

"Can we just… Get this over with please?"

"Yes. Of course." She grabbed a pair of gloves. "Go ahead and lay back."

I tried to focus on taking full, deep breaths as she got me settled in the stirrups. I could feel my mom come to stand by my head as I closed my eyes.

"Alright first you're going to feel my fingers pressing." I nodded. I tried to block out everything. "Now, I'm preceding with the speculum. It's going to cold, and you're probably going to feel a pinch."

It was more than a pinch. It was way more than a pinch. I gasped as I felt the sharp pain. "Alright Jennifer I need you to relax. The more you can relax the less it will hurt." The pain connected to something deep within me and the all to familiar terror began to flood through me. My eyes flew open and I grabbed my mom's hand.

"I'm here, honey. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"It hurts," I whispered.

She smoothed my hair down. "Did I tell you what happened last night? You had already went upstairs, but Mark told me the funniest joke-"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about him. About any him."

"Okay! Alright. So you're wanting to go to Elle's party?"

I nodded, grateful for any topic to distract me from what was going on between my legs. "Yeah. I won't drink, I promise."

"It's too bad you can't drive, you'd be the perfect DD."

I gave a very shaky chuckle. "That's what Pen said."

"I guess that's fine. What time does it start?"

"8."

"Okay. As long as you're home by midnight, that's okay."

"Alright, Jennifer. You're done." I breathed a sigh of relief as she removed my feet from the stirrups. "I'll call in the prescription to your pharmacy. You're good to get redressed."

"Thank you, Dr. Rockwell."

"Of course, Sandy. And again, I'm really sorry." She nodded and the doctor left the room.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine."

She wrapped her arms around me and pressed a kiss into my hair. "I'm sorry, JJ."

"It's okay. You tried."

She pulled away with a sigh. "God help me, I tried." Now c'mon. We deserve Mexican food."

X

"Are we allowed to have drinks in here?" I asked.

"Probably not, but for the amount of money they're asking us to spend, I think they can deal with it." She pulled a black and white gown out from the rack. "What about this one?"

"Eh… I'm not crazy about the floral."

"Did you have anything in mind?"

I took a drink of my Starbucks. "Not really. I was thinking probably blue."

"Yeah. Light blue or dark blue?"

"Any of them."

"How about this one? Oh never mind. I don't know how I feel about high-lo on prom dresses."

I laughed. "Yeah. Like either wear a short dress or a long dress, don't go in between." I pulled out a cobalt blue jersey dress to the side. "Oooh look at this!" I held it up against my body for her to see. It had thin straps and a plunging neckline, finished off with a side slit almost up to the hip.

"Oh your brother would just love that. I can just imagine the phone call I would get when he saw the pictures. 'Mom! I can't believe you let her out of the house in that!'"

"Well, I think Will would like it, and that's what matters." I turned the dress around and looked at the back. "Oh never mind it has a weird tie thing." I placed it back on the rack.

My mom smiled. "Is Will excited for the prom?"

"Honestly, he might be more excited than I am," I joked. "Not that I'm not excited! He just turns into the heart eye emoji any time we talk about it."

"Well that's good!"

"Yeah! We're gonna have fun. I don't see anything on this row, let's go to the next one."

I could feel her watching me. "How are things going… y'know physically between you two?"

"It's… good." I gave a little laugh. "I don't know what you're asking, Mom."

"I was just wondering if there had been any developments."

My face got hot. "Well, I already told you that we had sex. That's pretty much as developed as you can get."

She stifled a laugh. "That's… true I suppose. I guess I… I don't know. You guys have again? And it's still good?"

I groaned. "Yeah, Mom. We… it's a thing that we do now, I guess." My blush deepened.

"And he's still being respectful?"

"Mom. You know Will. He's taking care of me, you don't have to worry."

She nodded before pausing a moment. "And he's… 'Taking care' of you during, as well?"

"Mom stop!" I pleaded in a mortified whisper.

"I just remember that when you're starting off it can be very awkward! It can be very hard for everyone to… get where they're going!"

"We are not having this conversation in this dress shop. Scratch that, we are not having this conversation ever."

"All joking aside, it's all okay? No… tears? Flashbacks? Anxiety?"

I shook my head slowly as I perused the dresses. "No… I mean I got a little freaked out the first time, but… Yeah. It's okay."

She smiled. "I'm glad." She turned back to the racks. "Oh what about this one? I know it's maroon and you were thinking blue, but I like the lace."

"Sure! I'll try it." I took the dress from her, throwing it over my arm.

"Oh what about this one?"

I laughed at the poofy tulle gown. "Mom the skirt on that thing is massive, I would look like a cupcake."

"Oh but just picture it! With the updo, and the shoes, and the wrist corsage… Oh honey it would be so beautiful."

"Well maybe you should wear it then."

Mom stuck out her tongue at me. "Careful, or I might." She and Mark had volunteered to be parent chaperones. "I would look great in this dress."

"Seriously though, what are you going to wear?"

"Oh I don't know. Just a dress. What about this one?" I turned to look at the black gown in her hand.

"I like the silver beading," I mused, running my hands over the fabric.

"Try it on!"

I added it to my pile. "Alright let's head to the dressing room."

I tried on dress after dress, coming out to show her each one. She gave her opinion but she seemed a little quiet.

"I like this one but the cut outs are a little- what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" She tried to paste a smile on her face and blink back the tears that had suddenly began to gather in her eyes, but she wasn't fast enough.

"Mom?" I asked, my voice unsure.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I was just thinking about Rosalind."

I sat next to her on the bench. "What about?"

"Just… I don't know. Taking her dress shopping her junior year. How excited she was." She took my hand. "There are… There are all sorts of things that you'll get to experience that she didn't. And each one is a little bittersweet. And I felt the same way with Travis, but… I can't explain it. You were my girls." She took a deep breath. "Sometimes… the older you get, there are times, when I'm barely awake or in a rush, and I just barely catch you out of the corner of my eye, and for just a split second… I swear it's her. Not that- I don't want you to think that I'm, that I don't see you as separate people! I do! You are so uniquely you. You were my serious child, the last to complain, but with such a fiery undercurrent… Even as a little bitty thing, you had this… superhero like thing about you. A fierce need to protect people, to help, to save the day." She tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "It's still there. I am so proud of the person you have become. And I know Ros would be, too."

She shook her head. "Listen to me, getting all emotional. Stand up, let's see the dress!" I did as I was told but reached out a hand, pulling my mom to her feet. I wrapped my arms around her middle and rested my head on her shoulder.

"I miss her too." She breathed in her mom's comforting scent. "I remember her getting ready for her junior prom. I remember thinking she looked just like a princess."

"She did, didn't she?" She pulled back. "I didn't mean to bring us down. Today was supposed to be a good day."

"It is a good day," I corrected gently. I pulled back and face the three way mirror. "I don't think this is the one, though."

"No. It's pretty enough, but it's not right. Try the next one."

"Alright." I went back into her dressing room stripped out of it, picking up the last dress. Suddenly, she knocked on my door. "Hey before you try the black one, I think I found a really good contender." She cracked open the door and passed it in.

A few minutes later, the door opened and I stepped out. My mom covered her mouth as tears threatened to overcome her again. It had a high neck with delicate straps, and a bodice made of dark blue appliques. The skirt was long and silky. The back criss crossed, leaving just enough skin showing without being too risque. I turned to face the mirror and she came to stand behind me.

"You… look absolutely beautiful, sweetheart."

"Do you really think so?" I asked, a shy smile pulling at my lips.

"Yes," she replied, "I really, really do."

X

That night, I found myself under Will's arm on the couch in Elle's basement. It seemed like everyone around us was well on their way to being plastered, but we were still having a good time.

"You came!" I looked up to see Elle smirking at us, drink clutched against her chest.

"Well I did say maybe."

"Will."

"Elle?"

"You better take care of her."

"What?"

I put a hand on his chest. "Elle threatened to cut the brakes on your truck if you screw up."

He spluttered as he looked back and forth between us. "What are you talking about?"

"Or I'll just let JJ take you out. She has a killer right hook. I would know." She ran a hand along her nose,] and I gave a soft chuckle.

"You don't need to worry, Elle. I'm planning on taking great care of her."

She jabbed a finger in his direction. "Good. I'm watching you. Clark! Hey, don't walk away from me!" Her attenton diverted, she left before either of us could reply.

"Are you happy?"

I turned to face him. His eyes were warm and loving. I let my forehead rest against his. "Of course. Happier than I can say."

He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. "Me too"


	59. Chapter 59

**(Please be advised, this chapter has some violence in it. Thanks!)**

On Sunday, Travis called to tell us he had finally popped the question. Mom immediately started crying, repeating over and over how happy she was for him. I couldn't believe it. My big brother, the same guy who had hid my toys and pulled my hair, was getting married. He was going to be somebody's husband. Eventually, he would be somebody's dad. I was ecstatic for him of course; Grace was amazing and I thought they were a great match. But it really hit home just how much we had both grown up. We weren't the feisty little kids duking it out at the christmas pageant any more.

Tuesday afternoon, I decided to hit the weight room after conditioning. I had the place to myself, so I plugged in my phone to the stereo system and blasted music. At first I just focused on single weights. My mind wandered to the University of Pittsburgh. I hadn't received any correspondance from them since we had lost the State tournament. I couldn't help but be disappointed. I had allowed myself to get really hopeful that they would want me, that I would get to fulfill my dream of playing college soccer, but it didn't seem as though that were the case.

"Hey." A voice pulled me out of my thoughts. Ethan was standing just inside the doorway of the locker room. I wasn't sure what to say.

"Oh… hey."

"Here alone?"

"Yeah… Just getting in some extra reps." I wasn't really interested in having a conversation with him.

"Nice." I awkwardly walked toward the bench press."You want a spot?"

His offer caught me of guard. Had he finally realized how much of a dick he had been? Was he trying to make things better? "Sure. Thanks."

I loaded the bar with adequate weight and laid down on the bench. He came to stand just behind me and helped me take the bar down. He stepped back as I began my reps.

"You're really taking care of yourself." Something about that seemed off, but I let it slide, focusing on my breathing. He watched me do a few more. "Of course, I guess Will's really the one taking care of you." My cheeks flushed as he continued. "Someone had to take Daddy's place, I guess."

It hit me like a punch in the stomach. It seemed as though all of my strength was zapped out of my body. The bar was against my chest, but even though I was struggling with all my might, I couldn't push it back up.

"I saw you at Elle's party. Man, does it feel weird to get fucked by someone so young?"

"Stop it," I breathed, but my voice was drowned out by the music.

"I guess it doesn't matter. Gotta take what you can get." My breath was caught in my chest. I couldn't move, I couldn't get the bar off of me. Tears were beginning to cloud my eyes. "Oh, do you need help?" He finally grabbed the bar and lifted it from my chest. As soon as it was back on the rack I sat up and stood from the bench. I hurried over to the stereo. I grabbed my phone and tore out the aux cord, plunging the weight room into silence. I grabbed my water bottle and turned to find him standing behind me.

"Maybe I can help you with something else."

"Leave me alone."

"I don't feel like it."

"What did I ever do to you?"

He didn't answer my question. He took a step forward and I instinctively countered backwards, not realizing my mistake until my back collided with the cold surface of the mirror lined wall.

"Get the fuck away from me." I tried to put as much venom as I could into my voice, but I just sounded afraid.

"You kiss your Daddy with that mouth?" Rage welled up inside of me. I placed both hands on his chest and shoved as hard as I could. He took half a step backwards. Before I had a chance to escape, his fist was already coming towards me. I saw it and ducked, his hand smashing into the mirror where my head had been. My soccer training kicked in and I sprang out of my crouch and tried to run, tried to get away, but just a few steps later, my foot caught on the corner of one of the weight machines and I went spiraling to the floor. Before I could stand up, his hand was gripping my shoulder and flipping me onto my back. I knew the school was probably empty by now, but I screamed out anyway as his knees settles on either side of my hips.

"Help! Please, someone-" His hand came over my mouth, smothering my cries. I yanked my head to one side so that his hand slipped a bit, then bit down as hard as I could.

He yelped in pain, then slapped me across the face. I opened my mouth to yell again and he grabbed my shoulders and banged my head against the ground, the force of the hit making my ears ring. He scrunched my athletics top up to my chin, my turquoise sports bra on proud display. Then a hand was on the tie to my athletics shorts as the other held my hands above my head.

"STOP IT!" He was ripped off of me. I remained completely frozen for a moment, completely unable to move. Then Coach Hotchner's face was above mine. "JJ? Are you okay?"

I managed a nod, pulling down my top. He helped me sit up, and I could see Ethan, pinned against the opposite wall by Coach Cruz. The older man looked shocked, but Ethan's face was unreadable.

"To the office?" Coach Cruz asked.

Coach Hotchner nodded and turned back to me. "Can you stand?"

I nodded and he pulled me upright. "I'm fine." My head was pounding, it felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds.

"C'mon." He led me out of the weight room and down the hall to the office.

"Am I in trouble?"

He gave me a sharp look. "What? No, of course not. We just have to tell Principle Strauss what happened."

"I don't..." I took a deep breath. "I just want to go home."

He stopped and turned to me. "JJ. You need to talk to her."

I stared at my feet for a second, before finally lifting my eyes to his. "Alright."

By the time I reached the principal's office, Ethan was sitting in a chair, Coach Cruz standing beside him to make sure he didn't get up. Mrs. Strauss was standing in front of her desk at a loss for words. Coach Hotchner dragged the second chair further from Ethan and gestured for me to sit, before standing next to Coach Cruz to creat a barrier between us.

"Miss Jareau we've already called paramedics to come look at both of you, and we're calling your parents right now. Why don't you tell us what happened?" I swallowed. I was all at once so tired.

"Miss Jareau?"

"I… I want my mom."

"Sure you don't mean your daddy?" Ethan whispered under his breath. Coach Cruz smacked him behind the head and Principal Strauss fixed him with a cold stare.

"We can wait."

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door, and Mrs. Pavlova poked her head in. "Paramedics are here." Mrs. Strauss beckoned to her and she let them in. The guy went straight to Ethan and started examining where his hand was busted up from hitting the mirror. The woman knelt in front of me.

"Hi there, I'm Stephanie. Can you tell me what hurts?"

"My head," I mumbled. She put on gloves and gently prodded at the side of my face that had taken the brunt of his slap. "It's starting to swell here along the cheek bone. Does it hurt anywhere else?"

"All over. And back here." I showed her where I meant and she felt beneath my hair.

"You have a knot forming, yeah. Did you hit it?" The door opened and my mom and Mark rushed in. Mrs. Cline was just a few steps behind them.

"JJ, honey-"

"Mom, I'm-"

"Ethan-"

"I didn't-"

"Quiet please, let the EMT's finish," Mrs Strauss said.

My mom grasped my hand as the paramedic had me follow a light with her eyes. My head hurt so bad, it felt like everything was swirling around me.

"Is this a bite mark?" The other asked.

"Yeah, that little bitch bit me," Ethan spat.

"Ethan!" Mrs. Cline exclaimed.

"I think you have a concussion. It's minor, but you need to take it easy, alright?"

"Someone needs to tell me what happened."

"She told me to meet her in the weight room after school. She didn't want her boyfriend to see us. We just got a little rough, that's all."

"Are you freaking kidding me?" I spat. I couldn't believe he was actually sinking this low.

"They just happened to come in at the wrong time."

"Miss Jareau?"

"That… That's not what happened. Any of it." I was so mad I was shaking. "I was lifting and he came in. He offered to spot me on the bench press and once I was stuck there he started, started running his mouth."

"Saying what?" I could feel my parents standing behind me. I didn't want to repeat his words in front of them.

"Stuff about Will. And my dad." My mom tried to put her hand on my shoulder but I shrugged her off. "He finally brought the bar up so I could move and I tried to leave. But he blocked me. And he kept talking so I pushed him. And he tried to hit me but I ducked and he hit the mirror."

Mrs. Strauss glanced at the coaches and Coach Cruz nodded. "One of the panels is shattered."

"We were just messing around," Ethan countered.

"I tried to run but I tripped. And he, he got on top of me. And I yelled for someone to help, so he hit me. He covered my mouth and I bit him. Then he banged my head into the ground. And then… then…" I couldn't finish.

"That's about the time we came in," finished Coach Cruz.

"We were walking to the teacher's lounge when we heard JJ yell. We came running and found her on the ground with him on top of her. He… he had her hands pinned and was undoing her shorts."

Both of our mothers gasped. "That's- no! She wanted it!" Ethan protested.

I jumped to my feet. "You're a liar! You attacked me! I didn't want-" The room began to swim around me and my stomach lurched. The paramedic leaned to the side and slid a trash can in front of me just as I began to puke.

"Definitely a concussion," she told my mom. She turned to Mrs. Strauss. "He must have slammed her head pretty hard."

"I didn't slam her head!"

"She must have hit it when they were fooling around," Mrs. Cline protested.

"They were not fooling around," my mom hissed. The paramedic handed me a tissue and I sat back in my chair.

"The concussion must have her confused. It's making her take memories of her other trauma and mix it with this."

"I'm telling the truth," I insisted.

"Your son did this."

"Ethan would never-"

"-he tried to-"

"-just because you were married to a rapist doesn't mean-"

Mark put a hand on my mom's arm as Mrs. Strauss cut Mrs. Cline off. "That's enough." She gestured to both the EMTs. "Can I speak to both of you in the hallway please?"

The male EMT finished wrapping Ethan's hand and they both followed her. My mom crouched in front of me. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"Do you have any water? All of my stuff is in the weight room." She dug around in her bag for a moment then handed me one. Mrs. Strauss came back in as I took a small sip. She settled behind her desk.

"Between what Coach Hotchner and Coach Cruz witnessed, and the way the injuries match up, I have no choice but to believe Miss Jareau." Mrs Cline started to speak but the principal held up her hand. "The paramedics made it very clear that there is no way these injuries could have been achieved through any sort of consensual situation."

She turned to us. "You can take her home. If she needs to stay home tomorrow, we understand, just give the office a call." My mom helped me stand up and Mark held the door for us. Coach Hotcher followed.

"I'll go get your things for you. Just your gym bag?"

"My phone. And my water bottle. I was holding them when… I don't know where they ended up."

He nodded and set off towards the weight room.

My mom took my shoulders in her hands. "Oh JJ. Honey how ae you feeling?"

"I'm-"

"Don't say fine," Mark cut in.

I took a deep breath. "I'm tired." She pulled me in for a tight hug, which I gratefully returned.

Coach Hotchner returned with my things. "Here you go. I put your water and phone in there for you."

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Alright, JJ. Let's get you home." Mark took my bag, and I let them steer me out of the school.


	60. Chapter 60

**(Guys. GUYS. This is the final chapter of Forward. I can't believe this little story nugget that I had been unable to shake morphed into a 60 chapter story with over 140,000 words. I'm proud of the work I've created, and I hope all of you enjoy it as much as I do.**

 **I want to say a huge thank you to Courtney, for helping me riff on ideas and flesh out chapters. You are my favorite person on the entire continent of Australia (other than Oscar).**

 **I also want to say thank you to George, who has been kind enough to give me feed back on chapters, stroke my ego, and most importantly, kick my ass into gear when I caught major writer's block. Thank you for being the Dorothy to my Rose, baby.**

 **And of course, thank you to all of you crazy readers who held on through 60 chapters. You guys are the best.)**

"So what's been going on since we met last week?"

I stared across the desk at Dr. Blake. It had been almost an entire week since Ethan had attacked me in the weight room. My entire body felt heavy. Every breath seemed like a struggle.

"Last Tuesday…. a guy that I go to school with, he cornered me in the weight room and attacked me."

Her eyebrows shot up. "What happened?" I recounted the entire experience and she listened, nodding every now and then or asking for clarification. She sat in silence for a moment after I finished.

"How are you feeling?"

I shrugged. "I'm tired. Tuesday night I had a nightmare, my first one in weeks. I had another Friday night."

"I'm sorry."

I ran a hand through my hair. "I just… It's like I'm starting all over. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life?"

"What do you mean?"

"Am I ever going to feel better? And even if I somehow do get my PTSD under control, is some new guy going to decide that my body belongs to him every six months? Will I ever get to be happy and normal?"

She leaned forward. "I'm sorry that this happened, and I'm sorry that you feel like you're regressing. I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to help any."

"What?"

"This _is_ normal." I opened my mouth to say something but she held up a hand. "I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. It would be wonderful if recovery was just an upward line until it was as if nothing bad had ever happened but that's not how it goes. It's a constant push forward, yes, but there will be times when you feel like you're right back where you started. Even if this hadn't happened, eventually something else would have. You would have smelt you father's cologne on the street, or someone would have recognized your last name and asked rude, nosy questions. It happens. There's nothing we can do to stop it. That's what's so… traumatic about trauma. It comes back, often when you least expect it."

"Then what's the point? Why is my mom blowing all of this money to send me to therapy? If I'm going to be a wreck for the rest of my life, why fight? Why not give up?"

"You're not going to be a wreck for the rest of-"

"Well, that's what you just said isn't it? That it's going to keep coming back for me, no matter what I do. It's pointless."

"I said it's not going to go away, that's correct. But I never said you were hopeless. All I was trying to say is that this is a part of the process. Pain is as due to the process as healing. No matter what you do, the pain will be there. It's up to you how you respond."

"Is sleeping for the next twenty years an option?"

She smiled gently at me. "Unfortunately not."

"Then what do I do?"

"You fight."

"I've been fighting."

"I know. And you've been doing wonderfully. Think about all of the strides you've made since coming forward about the abuse. You're about to finish you junior year of high school. You're able to talk to your mom and step dad, you're even able to be physically affectionate with Mark, which is something you struggled with for quite some time. You said so yourself that you hadn't had a nightmare in weeks. You used to have one every couple of nights, that's amazing progress! Not to mention the strides you made with Will. The fact that you were able to trust someone to get close to you, and even had the want to be sexually intimate with someone? It speaks volumes about how far you've come from the girl who first in my office all those month ago."

"I'm just not sure what comes next?"

"That's completely up to you. This is going to try to drag you under water again. You can either choose to let that happen or you can lean on your support system and let us help you through. You are not alone, JJ. Your mom and Mark have already proven that they are willing to do anything they can to help you through this. You have me, of course. You have Will, you have your friends at school. I'm sure your soccer coach and your other teachers are just a staunchly Team JJ as the rest of us are. You are surrounded by so may people who love you."

I took a shaky breath. "I know. I know that."

"We're here for you. We will do whatever is necessary. But you have to let us. You can't shut down or pull back. Tell us what you need and then let us do it." I nodded, unsure of what to say. "Does that sound like something you can do?"

"Yeah. I can… I don't want to feel like this forever."

"And you won't. It will get better, JJ. Not immediately, but trust it will happen."

X

That night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, all of the emotions I had been pushing back began to swirl in my chest. The rage, the hurt, the fear, the mistrust… It felt as if my ribs would crack from the intensity. I flipped onto my stomach, burying my face in my pillow. I didn't want to face any of it. I just wanted it to go away.

But it wouldn't. Not on it's own. Dr. Blake's words echoed in my head. _You are not alone._ I sat up with a sigh, wiping at my face. I pushed back my blankets and got up.

Downstairs was dark and silent. I padded through the dining room and kitchen, gently pushing open my mom's door. The lights were off, but the TV was on, an old rerun of Sex and the City playing on mute. My mom sat up slightly when the door opened.

"JJ? Is everything alright?" she asked quietly, trying not to wake up Mark on her other side. I started to nod, but then thought better of it and shook my head. She got out of bed and came to me, guiding me back towards the kitchen. She flipped on the light above the stove then ushered me to the kitchen table.

"What's wrong?"

I took a deep breath. "It's just… a lot. And I needed to not be alone. I just need you right now."

She stroked my hair. "I'm right here. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "No! I don't… I don't want to think about it. I just… I shouldn't have came and got you, I'm sorry-" I dropped my face into my hands.

"No! Don't apologize. I'm glad you did."

"But I don't know what you're possibly going to do. I don't want to talk about it."

"Then we won't. We'll talk about something else." She scooted her chair closer to mine and put an arm around my shoulder. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know!"

"Okay. That's fine. Let's see… Did I tell you that Mark wants us to get a cat?"

"No?"

She nodded. "Yeah, of all the crazy things. We're finally a year away from having an empty nest and the crazy man wants us to bring in something else to make our house a mess."

I gave a watery chuckle. "You don't even like cats."

"That's exactly what I told him! But he's been emailing me pictures of them everyday, it's a wonder he gets any work done."

"Are you going to do it?"

She sighed. "Oh I don't know. I love him a lot, but the smell! And I'm sure it would end up clawing the furniture or the curtains."

I folded my arms on the table and let my head rest on top of them. She smoothed her hand down my spine. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just…" I took another deep breath. "I'm trying to stay above water, but it's hard. I'm trying, though."

"I know you are, sweetheart. And that's all we ask."

"It feels like everyone is staring at me."

"Worse than last time?"

"No. But everyone knows that Ethan was suspended and most people know I had something to do with it. The bruised face really didn't help."

"Are people saying things?"

"No. Which is good. But it's still a lot." We were quiet for a bit.

"How's Will?" she asked.

"Angry at Ethan, happy nothing worse happened. Because really, I got lucky. It could have been so much worse. It really wasn't that serious-"

"Hey now, don't brush it off. It was serious. He gave you a concussion and if Coach Hotchner hadn't been walking by…" she trailed off as we both finished her statement in our minds. "You're allowed to be upset."

"I know." I sat up. "I think I can go to bed now."

"Are you sure? You can come crawl in with me if you want and watch TV. Carrie's back with Big again," she said rolling her eyes.

I gave her a small smile. "No, I'm okay. Really. Thank you."

"Anytime, Jayje."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. More than I can possibly say."

X

After school on Thursday, Will had picked me up and taken me out for ice cream. In the aftermath of what had happened with Ethan, he had been especially sweet which I appreciated more than I could say. He also had been respectful of the fact that I didn't want to talk about it. I had said as much when I had texted him the night it happened. The next day, he had winced as he softly caressed my bruised cheekbone, but hadn't asked any questions.

"Can you believe that prom is this weekend?" he asked as he parked his truck behind my car.

"No. I'm excited though."

"Well you should be. I'm going to look pretty bangable in my tux," he teased.

I laughed, taking his hand as we walked towards the front door. "Thank god, that's the only reason I'm attending."

"That and to show off your groovy dance moves."

I pushed upon the door. "Yeah I don't think groovy is the word I would use. Lackluster, maybe."

"Well I think you're great at everything you do."

"That's lucky for both of us."

"Hey did I tell you I got that Chemistry test back?"

"No! Did you pass?"

"You are looking at the proud owner of a 78." he waggled his eyebrows at me.

"What! That's great!"

He wrapped his arms around my waist. "And it's all thanks to you." He bent down and pressed a kiss to my lips. I brought my hand to his hair as it deepened our bodies instinctively pressed together. But then that all too familiar feeling of panic, the one that I had thought I'd left behind, crept into my stomach, making me pull away.

"You okay?" he murmured.

"Yeah," I assured him. "It's just with everything that's happened…"

"I get it. You need to calm things down for a while. It's totally fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive." He pressed a chaste kiss to my forehead. "But you better prepare yourself, because when you see me in that tux, it is going to rock your world."

"I have no doubts," I laughed, kicking off my shoes. "Mom? I'm home! I brought Will!"

She came hurrying in from the kitchen, Mark on her heels. "Something came for you in the mail."

I fought to ignore the flash of panic. "Yeah? From who?"

"Future 500."

My mouth dropped open. "What? Are you serious?"

She nodded, her eyes glittering with excitement. "Dead serious." I grabbed the envelope from her, staring down at it in shock.

"Future… What is that?" Will asked.

I turned to look at him. "It's… It's a summer soccer invitational. You get individual coaching and then coaches from all over the nation attend the end of week scrimmage. It's one of the best ways to get recruited to a collegiate soccer team." I looked back down at the envelope. "Have you opened it?"

"No! We saved it so that you could."

I took a deep breath then tore it open. I unfolded the letter and quickly scanned through it before looking up at my mom. "I got a spot. Coach Hotchner recommended me and sent in videos from some of our games, and they offered me a spot for this summer." My mom shrieked and threw her arms around me. I hugged her tight, unable to believe it. After not hearing anything from the University of Pittsburgh I had been coming to terms with not getting to play college soccer. But this… this could be my shot to chase my dreams.

My mom let go of me and I hugged Mark next. "Oh JJ, we are so proud of you. You… you deserve this. All of your hard work has paid off!"

I pulled back, letting out a shaky chuckle. "I can't believe this." I looked back over at Will and squealed in excitement before throwing myself into his arms. He picked me up and twirled me around, giving me a kiss on the cheek before setting me back down.

I looked back down at the letter, still in shock. This invitational represented everything I had ever hoped for. Joy filled every particle of my being. For so long, everything had seemed so hopeless. Between Ros, the divorce, the abuse, and the aftermath of coming forward, my life had felt like one continuous tragedy. But this… this was a sign. Yes, things had been bad. There had been times when I hadn't thought I would get through it. But I had. I had survived.

I thought back on what Dr. Blake had said. Everyday it was up to me whether or not I would give in or keep pressing toward my goals. I was in control of my destiny, and I was stronger than what my father had done to me. I was not a victim. I was a fighter. I was, and would always be a survivor.

I glanced back up at my mom in time to see her wipe away a happy tear. She held out her arms and I let her pull me in for another tight hug.

I couldn't change the past. The only thing to do, was keep pushing forward.


End file.
